I've been feeling more than a little apprehensive and freaked out over the past day or two. Having our kidney function ultrasound next week has dredged up memories of our anatomy scan last August... And it's left me feeling a little shaken.
I know that it's very unlikely that the same thing happened again or that there's anything else wrong. When those fears surface, I do my best to squash them. But then when I try to envision being given happy news, it's bittersweet that we didn't get good news last time. I hate to be greedy, but I want both of my babies here with me.
But I just had an unexpected interaction in the bathroom with a coworker. She asked me how I was feeling and if we were finding out if it's a boy or a girl. She asked if we found out last time, but then started to stop when she remembered that I hadn't carried the pregnancy to term. I just smiled and replied that yes, we did find out when I delivered and we had a little girl. She said that was sweet and then went on to ask about names and we discussed that for a little bit.
It felt good to say that I delivered a little girl. I may not get to walk around with her in my arms every day, but every day I walk around with her in my heart. And it felt good to say that out loud.
In other news, I've been getting more belly bubbles and starting to get that seasick feeling of something rolling around inside me--but nothing distinct yet. I'll be sure to keep you posted on progress.
Showing posts with label Baby #2. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Baby #2. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Good news
When I went for my NT scan, they said it would take about two weeks for my bloodwork results to come in--that would be this Wednesday. So of course I called today!
The good news is that my bloodwork came back well within the normal range and I'm considered 1/5288 risk for Down's Syndrome and 1/10,000 for Trisomy. Combine this with the good ultrasound results and I'm feeling good. ;-)
16 days until our kidney function ultrasound! I've got sometime going on every night this week (all very fun stuff with friends and a wedding this weekend) and I'm sure next week will fill right up, so I'll be keeping myself busy in the meantime.
xoxo
The good news is that my bloodwork came back well within the normal range and I'm considered 1/5288 risk for Down's Syndrome and 1/10,000 for Trisomy. Combine this with the good ultrasound results and I'm feeling good. ;-)
16 days until our kidney function ultrasound! I've got sometime going on every night this week (all very fun stuff with friends and a wedding this weekend) and I'm sure next week will fill right up, so I'll be keeping myself busy in the meantime.
xoxo
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future
Things continue to move along at a steady pace and for that I am very grateful. But honestly, I have no idea what has come over me that I'm able to keep my spaz-tastic self at bay. I remember all too vividly the way that I used to mentally WILL the clock to keep clicking hours/days during the first trimester of my pregnancy with Jude... But this time it's just very different.
I've had no problems seeing people and not telling them--last time I was bursting at the seams to tell anyone who looked so much as glanced my way. I've been keeping myself occupied and (gasp) sometimes not thinking about it at all.
That said, the secret was let out of the bag last week after a successful NT scan. I went back and forth on whether or not I wanted to post it on Facebook, but in the end decided that I was actually more comfortable with a mass announcement than actually having to tell people. Call me weird, call me crazy, but that's just how my mind apparently is working nowadays.
Like I said, the NT scan was great. The nuchal fold was measuring either 1.1 or 1.5 (they look for anything less than 3) and my bloodwork results will be back in another week or so, but I'm hopeful for good news.
Today marks the 1st day of my 2nd trimester (going by the official 13w3d dating system) and I'm excited to be cruising toward my kidney function ultrasound which is 3 weeks from tomorrow.
Can it really be that I can consider myself out of the woods in 3 weeks? Is this really happening, for real, and for sure? *grabs the light at the end of the tunnel and hangs on for dear life*
I've had no problems seeing people and not telling them--last time I was bursting at the seams to tell anyone who looked so much as glanced my way. I've been keeping myself occupied and (gasp) sometimes not thinking about it at all.
That said, the secret was let out of the bag last week after a successful NT scan. I went back and forth on whether or not I wanted to post it on Facebook, but in the end decided that I was actually more comfortable with a mass announcement than actually having to tell people. Call me weird, call me crazy, but that's just how my mind apparently is working nowadays.
Like I said, the NT scan was great. The nuchal fold was measuring either 1.1 or 1.5 (they look for anything less than 3) and my bloodwork results will be back in another week or so, but I'm hopeful for good news.
Today marks the 1st day of my 2nd trimester (going by the official 13w3d dating system) and I'm excited to be cruising toward my kidney function ultrasound which is 3 weeks from tomorrow.
Can it really be that I can consider myself out of the woods in 3 weeks? Is this really happening, for real, and for sure? *grabs the light at the end of the tunnel and hangs on for dear life*
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Little victories
I had a great doctor's appointment this morning. It was great for the following reasons:
- I was in/out in about 15 minutes.
- All of my bloodwork and tests (usual 1st tri stuff) from my last visit came back a-okay.
- My blood pressure was perfect
- I've gained about one pound at 10 weeks--I think that's pretty darn good!
- I'm scheduled for my NT scan on 3/31... Two weeks from tomorrow!
- I'm scheduled for our kidney function ultrasound on 4/28
- I got to hear a fabulous, strong and steady heartbeat at 160BPM!!
Needless to say, I am a smiling fool today. It's a warm and lovely day here in NEOhio, we're headed out to celebrate my BFF's 30th birthday tonight, and in general all is right with the world.
I hope more good things are on the horizon for my friends and family, too. A nice handful of my awesome friends could really use some good news. Hint, hint, universe!
- I was in/out in about 15 minutes.
- All of my bloodwork and tests (usual 1st tri stuff) from my last visit came back a-okay.
- My blood pressure was perfect
- I've gained about one pound at 10 weeks--I think that's pretty darn good!
- I'm scheduled for my NT scan on 3/31... Two weeks from tomorrow!
- I'm scheduled for our kidney function ultrasound on 4/28
- I got to hear a fabulous, strong and steady heartbeat at 160BPM!!
Needless to say, I am a smiling fool today. It's a warm and lovely day here in NEOhio, we're headed out to celebrate my BFF's 30th birthday tonight, and in general all is right with the world.
I hope more good things are on the horizon for my friends and family, too. A nice handful of my awesome friends could really use some good news. Hint, hint, universe!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
I am not alone. Again.
That feeling--it's back. I finally feel it. I'll have to go back and check my archives to see when it first arrived with Jude (all I remember is the New Kids on the Block concert) but over the past day or two, I finally feel like someone is down there like a Who down in Whoville, letting me know that they're there and they care.
I hear you loud and clear, little bugger. And I'll keep doing what I can to take care of you every day for as long as you let me.
Clearly it's too early for movement or even to have a visible bump (I was also shocked to discover this morning that I haven't gained a single pound--which is bizarre because my hunger pains have me acting more than a little Al Bundy), but there's just something that's different lately. I just have this strong feeling like another soul is taking up residence in my ute, making me feel content and cozy that life is good.
Thanks, little bugger. Momma loves you and appreciates you making your presence known more than you'll ever know. XOXO
I hear you loud and clear, little bugger. And I'll keep doing what I can to take care of you every day for as long as you let me.
Clearly it's too early for movement or even to have a visible bump (I was also shocked to discover this morning that I haven't gained a single pound--which is bizarre because my hunger pains have me acting more than a little Al Bundy), but there's just something that's different lately. I just have this strong feeling like another soul is taking up residence in my ute, making me feel content and cozy that life is good.
Thanks, little bugger. Momma loves you and appreciates you making your presence known more than you'll ever know. XOXO
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Storytelling
Last night I finally started a new pregnancy journal. I wanted this baby to have a record of it's own of our journey together, one separate from Jude's. It was weird to be writing about our reactions to finding out I am pregnant again and our first ultrasound so late after the fact, but I've got some entries planned for the near future to make up for lost time.
I had gone out journal shopping a few weeks ago and didn't find anything I liked, but then last night I remembered that someone had given me a journal after we lost Jude and had included with it these two sweet coins that said hope and love--I tied them to the ribbon bookmark in the center.
In a way, it felt like a lie to not mention Jude because their stories are so interconnected. Still, I felt it was important to start something new, to make it clear that this isn't a replacement baby or Jude 2.0. This life is indeed Baby #2, with it's own story.
Eventually I'll probably give this baby both journals, so I guess it doesn't really matter. I'm also still writing in Jude's journal fairly regularly, even though it's more for my continued healing at this point than for any other reason.
We also haven't decided when or how we'll share Jude's story with our child. But the good news is that we have a long time before we have to decide anything like that.
In the meantime, I'll just try to keep telling both of their stories.
I had gone out journal shopping a few weeks ago and didn't find anything I liked, but then last night I remembered that someone had given me a journal after we lost Jude and had included with it these two sweet coins that said hope and love--I tied them to the ribbon bookmark in the center.
In a way, it felt like a lie to not mention Jude because their stories are so interconnected. Still, I felt it was important to start something new, to make it clear that this isn't a replacement baby or Jude 2.0. This life is indeed Baby #2, with it's own story.
Eventually I'll probably give this baby both journals, so I guess it doesn't really matter. I'm also still writing in Jude's journal fairly regularly, even though it's more for my continued healing at this point than for any other reason.
We also haven't decided when or how we'll share Jude's story with our child. But the good news is that we have a long time before we have to decide anything like that.
In the meantime, I'll just try to keep telling both of their stories.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
8 weeks and counting
Hi all.
I'm sorry that I seem to have gone quiet again. I guess I haven't had much to say--things have been going well and I'm just waiting patiently for this little babe to keep cooking.
For the most part, I feel great. I don't feel particularly anxious--somehow I, Miss Ultra Control Freak, have been able to let go of any semblance of control I may have over this pregnancy. Time seems to be passing relatively quickly and yesterday marked 8 weeks.
I seem to have avoided morning sickness again (WHOOHOO!) and really my only syptoms are being really tired and I have the normal aches and pains. Nothing worth complaining about (well, to you. DH has to hear about it all.the.time!)
For the most part, I've been able to remain positive and confident that everything is going to be fine. Sure, I had a wee bit of a panic attack before our first appointment and I have had moments where I'm just thinking about something simple like an appointment and I realize that my mind has wandered off to thinking about how I'll react when it happens again... I know it may sound a little crazy, but when your only previous experience you have to draw from is an unhappy ending, I think it's fairly normal to have moments when you almost assume it will happen again. I just try not to dwell on it too much and switch my thinking to how great things will be.
I think about Jude a lot, especially her delivery. I can't help but think it's going to make this delivery bittersweet. With any luck, I'm going to be delivering a happy, healthy baby, but I can't help but wish that Jude could have had the same chance.
I think about what it was like to be in the hospital and deliver her, unsure if I wanted her to be born alive or already peacefully passed and anxiously waiting for someone to give me an indication either way and being too terrified to look for myself.
It's hard. It's still really, really hard. I love this little miracle baby that I've been given, but it's just going to make this all so different than what people normally experience. I'm sad that we've lost our innocence. I'm sad that when we hold this baby, I know our minds will go to what it felt like to hold our sweet, silent baby.
Sometimes shit just isn't fair.
I'm sorry that I seem to have gone quiet again. I guess I haven't had much to say--things have been going well and I'm just waiting patiently for this little babe to keep cooking.
For the most part, I feel great. I don't feel particularly anxious--somehow I, Miss Ultra Control Freak, have been able to let go of any semblance of control I may have over this pregnancy. Time seems to be passing relatively quickly and yesterday marked 8 weeks.
I seem to have avoided morning sickness again (WHOOHOO!) and really my only syptoms are being really tired and I have the normal aches and pains. Nothing worth complaining about (well, to you. DH has to hear about it all.the.time!)
For the most part, I've been able to remain positive and confident that everything is going to be fine. Sure, I had a wee bit of a panic attack before our first appointment and I have had moments where I'm just thinking about something simple like an appointment and I realize that my mind has wandered off to thinking about how I'll react when it happens again... I know it may sound a little crazy, but when your only previous experience you have to draw from is an unhappy ending, I think it's fairly normal to have moments when you almost assume it will happen again. I just try not to dwell on it too much and switch my thinking to how great things will be.
I think about Jude a lot, especially her delivery. I can't help but think it's going to make this delivery bittersweet. With any luck, I'm going to be delivering a happy, healthy baby, but I can't help but wish that Jude could have had the same chance.
I think about what it was like to be in the hospital and deliver her, unsure if I wanted her to be born alive or already peacefully passed and anxiously waiting for someone to give me an indication either way and being too terrified to look for myself.
It's hard. It's still really, really hard. I love this little miracle baby that I've been given, but it's just going to make this all so different than what people normally experience. I'm sad that we've lost our innocence. I'm sad that when we hold this baby, I know our minds will go to what it felt like to hold our sweet, silent baby.
Sometimes shit just isn't fair.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Oh hey, guess what?
I'm pregnant!
Yes, really. I found out three weeks ago today, hence the blog background change to make my ticker magically "disappear." OOOOHHH! Fancy tricks!
I'm sorry for holding out on you, but I wanted to wait until our first appointment because there are a few friends that I know IRL who read this blog and I had a few things I wanted to square away before letting anyone know.
You'll probably notice a handful of posts you haven't seen before. I'm about to hit publish on a few I've been writing/saving as drafts since I found out.
See? You can't say I wasn't at least thinking about you, dear readers! ;-)
Yes, really. I found out three weeks ago today, hence the blog background change to make my ticker magically "disappear." OOOOHHH! Fancy tricks!
I'm sorry for holding out on you, but I wanted to wait until our first appointment because there are a few friends that I know IRL who read this blog and I had a few things I wanted to square away before letting anyone know.
You'll probably notice a handful of posts you haven't seen before. I'm about to hit publish on a few I've been writing/saving as drafts since I found out.
See? You can't say I wasn't at least thinking about you, dear readers! ;-)
There s/he is Miss/Mr. America!
So this morning DH and I ventured out to meet with the midwife and have our first ultrasound. Everything looked great and the minute the little nugget was up on the screen and clearly pulsating, DH promptly dissolved into tears. Sweetest!moment!ever! In that moment, I fell in love with him againx7000.
Our little monster is measuring a few days ahead of schedule, which is exciting and promising, but I know that it's easy for measurements to be off by a day or two. I feel like it's cheating, but my new EDD is 10/9/10. Either way, we should be having a little libra in mid-October.
And as for something odd and sweet to file in the "strange coincidences" box, when I got into my car this morning they were playing old interviews on Howard Stern and Julian Lennon was on--the son of John Lennon and the boy that Paul McCartney wrote "Hey Jude" for. Very strange coincidence, right?
I still struggle with the things happen for a reason/there's a greater plan stuff, but for now I'll just take it as Baby Jude giving me the heads up that she's a-okay and on board with this.
Oh and BTW, this new baby is already making his/her presence known--she's giving me gray hairs! I had 3 new ones pop up last week (together, overnight! I check every.single.morning along my hairline PLUS two gray eyebrow hairs! WTF?!?!
*sigh* You know what, I'll take it! ;-)
Our little monster is measuring a few days ahead of schedule, which is exciting and promising, but I know that it's easy for measurements to be off by a day or two. I feel like it's cheating, but my new EDD is 10/9/10. Either way, we should be having a little libra in mid-October.
And as for something odd and sweet to file in the "strange coincidences" box, when I got into my car this morning they were playing old interviews on Howard Stern and Julian Lennon was on--the son of John Lennon and the boy that Paul McCartney wrote "Hey Jude" for. Very strange coincidence, right?
I still struggle with the things happen for a reason/there's a greater plan stuff, but for now I'll just take it as Baby Jude giving me the heads up that she's a-okay and on board with this.
Oh and BTW, this new baby is already making his/her presence known--she's giving me gray hairs! I had 3 new ones pop up last week (together, overnight! I check every.single.morning along my hairline PLUS two gray eyebrow hairs! WTF?!?!
*sigh* You know what, I'll take it! ;-)
Monday, February 15, 2010
(Assuming) No news is good news
Tomorrow marks 6 weeks--and boy does it seem like longer! I guess that's one disadvantage of finding out that you're pregnant at 3w2d... It's a long wait to be out of first trimester.
I'm still feeling pretty good about things. I have the normal random pains here and there and both the fatigue and insatiable hunger have set in... So to me, everything seems pretty normal. I peed on my last stick about a week ago and the test line is now darker than the control line, so I think it's time to just put the peesticks down.
We've told my family, but not DH's. I didn't want to have a big hullabaloo like we did last time, so I told my family and BFF while we were all sitting down on couche together, hanging out. I just didn't want hugs and tears. It didn't seem right to be jumping and down crying over a new baby. I told my dad on the phone a few days later. I spend tons of time with my family, so it would have been nearly impossible to keep it from them--and quite frankly if something went wrong, they'd be the first to know about it.
DH's parents are out of town through March, so I don't know if he's decided when to tell them. I think he's waiting to see how our first appointment/ultrasound goes on Thursday. Cross your fingers for a flickering little heartbeat!
I'm rereading "Still to be Born," a book about infant loss and subsequent pregnancies. I read it a few months ago and got a lot out of it, but I thought it might make sense for me to read it again with fresh eyes. Again, I had to skip the section that talks about all of the different types of loss and risks because I just can't think about it. I can't worry about everything that could go wrong--because in many ways I'm still dealing with what did go wrong. And that's plenty for me thankyouverymuch.
Which brings me to uncomfortable moment #1: I was hanging out with my dad and his girlfriend...wait--My stepmom. (They got married on Friday!) Anyway, she reached over and rubbed my belly (BAH! PERSONAL SPACE INVASION!) and started to talk excitedly about how great it will be that our new baby will be so close in age to my neice--they'll be just under 2 years apart.
For some reason, that hit a raw nerve. I mean, sure--We wanted to start having kids so their cousins wouldn't be too far off from them. I hope they are great friends--but saying it like it was some new great discovery made me feel like it was discounting the child that would have been 1 year, 2 months apart from my neice. So yes, it's good... but in my heart at that moment it just wasn't good enough. I know she was trying to be excited and say something supportive, but it honestly just made me want to say that sure-- just under 2 years apart is fine, but just over 1 year would have been much better. It's not like I need to have my baby acknowledged 24/7, but I don't like it to be ignored.
So in summary - the clock keeps ticking, I keep waiting patiently, I'm still working hard on things, but I'm so grateful to be moving forward.
I'm still feeling pretty good about things. I have the normal random pains here and there and both the fatigue and insatiable hunger have set in... So to me, everything seems pretty normal. I peed on my last stick about a week ago and the test line is now darker than the control line, so I think it's time to just put the peesticks down.
We've told my family, but not DH's. I didn't want to have a big hullabaloo like we did last time, so I told my family and BFF while we were all sitting down on couche together, hanging out. I just didn't want hugs and tears. It didn't seem right to be jumping and down crying over a new baby. I told my dad on the phone a few days later. I spend tons of time with my family, so it would have been nearly impossible to keep it from them--and quite frankly if something went wrong, they'd be the first to know about it.
DH's parents are out of town through March, so I don't know if he's decided when to tell them. I think he's waiting to see how our first appointment/ultrasound goes on Thursday. Cross your fingers for a flickering little heartbeat!
I'm rereading "Still to be Born," a book about infant loss and subsequent pregnancies. I read it a few months ago and got a lot out of it, but I thought it might make sense for me to read it again with fresh eyes. Again, I had to skip the section that talks about all of the different types of loss and risks because I just can't think about it. I can't worry about everything that could go wrong--because in many ways I'm still dealing with what did go wrong. And that's plenty for me thankyouverymuch.
Which brings me to uncomfortable moment #1: I was hanging out with my dad and his girlfriend...wait--My stepmom. (They got married on Friday!) Anyway, she reached over and rubbed my belly (BAH! PERSONAL SPACE INVASION!) and started to talk excitedly about how great it will be that our new baby will be so close in age to my neice--they'll be just under 2 years apart.
For some reason, that hit a raw nerve. I mean, sure--We wanted to start having kids so their cousins wouldn't be too far off from them. I hope they are great friends--but saying it like it was some new great discovery made me feel like it was discounting the child that would have been 1 year, 2 months apart from my neice. So yes, it's good... but in my heart at that moment it just wasn't good enough. I know she was trying to be excited and say something supportive, but it honestly just made me want to say that sure-- just under 2 years apart is fine, but just over 1 year would have been much better. It's not like I need to have my baby acknowledged 24/7, but I don't like it to be ignored.
So in summary - the clock keeps ticking, I keep waiting patiently, I'm still working hard on things, but I'm so grateful to be moving forward.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Do you think this would make me look crazy?
Would I sound crazy to you if I confessed that I want to run right out and buy this pack n play?
When I was pregnant with Jude, I didn't buy anything. Just one shirt that I actually purchased before I was even pregnant because it was so.dang.cute.
As I had progressed further along and was rocking through my 2nd trimester, I took a few spins through Babies R Us and absolutely fell in love with this Pack 'N Play. I mean, it not only matches my living room perfectly, but hello? It's embroidered. And if you know me, you know I'm a sucker for anything embroidered.
UPDATE:
Um, yeah. I was googling around and discovered the pack n play for $80 at Big Lots (originally $179 when it was at BRU last year) and after a few phone calls to my local retailers, found and purchased one.
So maybe I'm crazy. Sue me.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Enjoying what I have while I have it--and hoping it's forever.
Yesterday I decided I would stop testing, but I still have a stack of HPT's at home to waste so this morning I caved and POAS'd again and saw two lovely dark lines! Fingers crossed that it means things are progressing properly.
I finally called my OB's office today and scheduled my first appointment with the midwife--I swear, I have mad pregnancy brain already. I've been forgetting EVERYTHING!
My first appointment is scheduled for 2/18 with the midwife, but I'm waiting for the nurse to call me back to discuss a modified monitoring schedule. I don't need/want all of that extra monitoring again, but I'd really like one early ultrasound. Show me a heartbeat, show me it's growing, and let me get on with my life. Ya know?
They will be checking me at about 16 weeks to make sure that kidneys have developed (the earliest they can verify they're there *and* functioning.) That's probably the day that I'll be sick to my stomach with worry.
I feel like in order for me to not be all freaked out, I need to be 100% positive and proceed as such. I already feel like I've been cheated out of so much with my first pregnancy, I refuse to be cheated out of any single ounce of happiness this go-round.
And if something knocks me on my ass (which I'm fully aware can happen) I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. But at least I won't regret enjoying what I have when I have it.
I finally called my OB's office today and scheduled my first appointment with the midwife--I swear, I have mad pregnancy brain already. I've been forgetting EVERYTHING!
My first appointment is scheduled for 2/18 with the midwife, but I'm waiting for the nurse to call me back to discuss a modified monitoring schedule. I don't need/want all of that extra monitoring again, but I'd really like one early ultrasound. Show me a heartbeat, show me it's growing, and let me get on with my life. Ya know?
They will be checking me at about 16 weeks to make sure that kidneys have developed (the earliest they can verify they're there *and* functioning.) That's probably the day that I'll be sick to my stomach with worry.
I feel like in order for me to not be all freaked out, I need to be 100% positive and proceed as such. I already feel like I've been cheated out of so much with my first pregnancy, I refuse to be cheated out of any single ounce of happiness this go-round.
And if something knocks me on my ass (which I'm fully aware can happen) I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. But at least I won't regret enjoying what I have when I have it.
Friday, January 29, 2010
I refuse to regret this.
I will not be the Jessi Spano of pregnancy. You know, all dancing around a room by myself, hopped up on No-Doz singing, "I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so... I'm so... SCARED, ZACK!"
No, that will not be me.
Something's come over me since I saw that 2nd line on the test and maybe it's just a temporary coping mechanism, but I feel this need to proceed like everything is going to be okay. I want to dive right into my October Mommies group, give up moderator rights to my fav. TTC message board, and talk about the future with certainty. Sure, I don't want to shout it from the rooftops just yet (I mean, hello... I'm still coping with my own shit, I'm not ready to pile anyone else's emotions on top of mine or listen to their fears) but I just want to savor every beautiful moment of this and just believe.
I figure that if I stress and everything goes fine, I'd have worried for nothing and cheated my baby out of every ounce of joy they're due. And if something goes terribly wrong, I will be absolutely devastated again. But why suffer before something actually goes wrong? What good would that do?
Exactly.
I refuse to regret one moment of this or apologize for having hope. Today is a good day and I hope there are many more miracles to follow.
xoxo
No, that will not be me.
Something's come over me since I saw that 2nd line on the test and maybe it's just a temporary coping mechanism, but I feel this need to proceed like everything is going to be okay. I want to dive right into my October Mommies group, give up moderator rights to my fav. TTC message board, and talk about the future with certainty. Sure, I don't want to shout it from the rooftops just yet (I mean, hello... I'm still coping with my own shit, I'm not ready to pile anyone else's emotions on top of mine or listen to their fears) but I just want to savor every beautiful moment of this and just believe.
I figure that if I stress and everything goes fine, I'd have worried for nothing and cheated my baby out of every ounce of joy they're due. And if something goes terribly wrong, I will be absolutely devastated again. But why suffer before something actually goes wrong? What good would that do?
Exactly.
I refuse to regret one moment of this or apologize for having hope. Today is a good day and I hope there are many more miracles to follow.
xoxo
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Pocket full of hope
Yesterday I started to write a blog post about how I'd accepted that our timing was so bad and I was letting go of everything I was crossing my fingers for this cycle - a speedy trip back into the wonderful world of pregnancy and a picture-perfect October due date (potentially my last shot at a 2010 due date, depending on how my next cycle went). I was grateful to be back in the game, to know that my husband wants this as much as I do, and for the sense of peace that I've had for the past month.
And then today happened.
As I woke up this morning, my hand sort of rubbed across my tummy and I immediately thought to myself, "Nope, I'm not pregnant. It's silly to test this early, especially if our timing was that bad." But then as I started to roll out of bed, I knew that while I felt fine this morning, by noon I would be spazzing out at work, unable to concentrate. It would be better to put my mind at ease than to have a midday freak out.
I snagged a test, went to the bathroom, and threw it on the shelf before hopping in the shower, not even looking to see the control line pop up. After my shower I started my normal morning routine and after a minute or two, finally looked at the test...
And saw the faintest of faint pink lines!
Of course I immediately yanked the test apart, turned on another light, and tilted it a bit. Is it a shadow of a line? No, it's not grey--it's pink. I see the slightest bit of pink!
What to do? What to do?
I ran and turned on the coffee and planned on taking up a cup to DH before I left, like I always do. I was determined to stay calm and let him sleep a little while longer.
But when I walked into our bedroom, my alarm clock went off! I apparently had hit snooze instead of actually turning it off, so I ran over to turn it off. DH gave a bit of an frustrated, sleepy grumble and I couldn't resist crawling into bed, telling him that I was so sorry that I didn't turn it off properly and that I hopefully I could make it up to him--that I'd just seen the faintest of faintest 2nd line on a test. He smiled with his eyes closed, and said he loved me.
We talked about it for a few minutes and soon he was up and about. He's feeling nervous and cautious, but I think he sees the same glimmer of hope that I do.
Tomorrow marks 5 months since I delivered Jude and time has been kind to me. What felt like sharp pieces of glass in my heart for so long have softened a bit. Sure, it's not beach glass just yet but I know it's on the way and this news makes me feel like I've been given the most precious gift that I plan on treasuring and appreciating for each moment that I have this sweet baby with me.
Heh. Me--a mother of 2! Who wouldda thunk it?
And then today happened.
As I woke up this morning, my hand sort of rubbed across my tummy and I immediately thought to myself, "Nope, I'm not pregnant. It's silly to test this early, especially if our timing was that bad." But then as I started to roll out of bed, I knew that while I felt fine this morning, by noon I would be spazzing out at work, unable to concentrate. It would be better to put my mind at ease than to have a midday freak out.
I snagged a test, went to the bathroom, and threw it on the shelf before hopping in the shower, not even looking to see the control line pop up. After my shower I started my normal morning routine and after a minute or two, finally looked at the test...
And saw the faintest of faint pink lines!
Of course I immediately yanked the test apart, turned on another light, and tilted it a bit. Is it a shadow of a line? No, it's not grey--it's pink. I see the slightest bit of pink!
What to do? What to do?
I ran and turned on the coffee and planned on taking up a cup to DH before I left, like I always do. I was determined to stay calm and let him sleep a little while longer.
But when I walked into our bedroom, my alarm clock went off! I apparently had hit snooze instead of actually turning it off, so I ran over to turn it off. DH gave a bit of an frustrated, sleepy grumble and I couldn't resist crawling into bed, telling him that I was so sorry that I didn't turn it off properly and that I hopefully I could make it up to him--that I'd just seen the faintest of faintest 2nd line on a test. He smiled with his eyes closed, and said he loved me.
We talked about it for a few minutes and soon he was up and about. He's feeling nervous and cautious, but I think he sees the same glimmer of hope that I do.
Tomorrow marks 5 months since I delivered Jude and time has been kind to me. What felt like sharp pieces of glass in my heart for so long have softened a bit. Sure, it's not beach glass just yet but I know it's on the way and this news makes me feel like I've been given the most precious gift that I plan on treasuring and appreciating for each moment that I have this sweet baby with me.
Heh. Me--a mother of 2! Who wouldda thunk it?
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