Pocket full of hope

Yesterday I started to write a blog post about how I'd accepted that our timing was so bad and I was letting go of everything I was crossing my fingers for this cycle - a speedy trip back into the wonderful world of pregnancy and a picture-perfect October due date (potentially my last shot at a 2010 due date, depending on how my next cycle went). I was grateful to be back in the game, to know that my husband wants this as much as I do, and for the sense of peace that I've had for the past month.

And then today happened.

As I woke up this morning, my hand sort of rubbed across my tummy and I immediately thought to myself, "Nope, I'm not pregnant. It's silly to test this early, especially if our timing was that bad." But then as I started to roll out of bed, I knew that while I felt fine this morning, by noon I would be spazzing out at work, unable to concentrate. It would be better to put my mind at ease than to have a midday freak out.

I snagged a test, went to the bathroom, and threw it on the shelf before hopping in the shower, not even looking to see the control line pop up. After my shower I started my normal morning routine and after a minute or two, finally looked at the test...

And saw the faintest of faint pink lines!

Of course I immediately yanked the test apart, turned on another light, and tilted it a bit. Is it a shadow of a line? No, it's not grey--it's pink. I see the slightest bit of pink!

What to do? What to do?

I ran and turned on the coffee and planned on taking up a cup to DH before I left, like I always do. I was determined to stay calm and let him sleep a little while longer.

But when I walked into our bedroom, my alarm clock went off! I apparently had hit snooze instead of actually turning it off, so I ran over to turn it off. DH gave a bit of an frustrated, sleepy grumble and I couldn't resist crawling into bed, telling him that I was so sorry that I didn't turn it off properly and that I hopefully I could make it up to him--that I'd just seen the faintest of faintest 2nd line on a test. He smiled with his eyes closed, and said he loved me.

We talked about it for a few minutes and soon he was up and about. He's feeling nervous and cautious, but I think he sees the same glimmer of hope that I do.

Tomorrow marks 5 months since I delivered Jude and time has been kind to me. What felt like sharp pieces of glass in my heart for so long have softened a bit. Sure, it's not beach glass just yet but I know it's on the way and this news makes me feel like I've been given the most precious gift that I plan on treasuring and appreciating for each moment that I have this sweet baby with me.

Heh. Me--a mother of 2! Who wouldda thunk it?