8 weeks and counting

Hi all.

I'm sorry that I seem to have gone quiet again. I guess I haven't had much to say--things have been going well and I'm just waiting patiently for this little babe to keep cooking.

For the most part, I feel great. I don't feel particularly anxious--somehow I, Miss Ultra Control Freak, have been able to let go of any semblance of control I may have over this pregnancy. Time seems to be passing relatively quickly and yesterday marked 8 weeks.

I seem to have avoided morning sickness again (WHOOHOO!) and really my only syptoms are being really tired and I have the normal aches and pains. Nothing worth complaining about (well, to you. DH has to hear about it all.the.time!)

For the most part, I've been able to remain positive and confident that everything is going to be fine. Sure, I had a wee bit of a panic attack before our first appointment and I have had moments where I'm just thinking about something simple like an appointment and I realize that my mind has wandered off to thinking about how I'll react when it happens again... I know it may sound a little crazy, but when your only previous experience you have to draw from is an unhappy ending, I think it's fairly normal to have moments when you almost assume it will happen again. I just try not to dwell on it too much and switch my thinking to how great things will be.

I think about Jude a lot, especially her delivery. I can't help but think it's going to make this delivery bittersweet. With any luck, I'm going to be delivering a happy, healthy baby, but I can't help but wish that Jude could have had the same chance.

I think about what it was like to be in the hospital and deliver her, unsure if I wanted her to be born alive or already peacefully passed and anxiously waiting for someone to give me an indication either way and being too terrified to look for myself.

It's hard. It's still really, really hard. I love this little miracle baby that I've been given, but it's just going to make this all so different than what people normally experience. I'm sad that we've lost our innocence. I'm sad that when we hold this baby, I know our minds will go to what it felt like to hold our sweet, silent baby.

Sometimes shit just isn't fair.