Holding back

I've said before that I don't feel the baby fever that others describe. I have felt it before (years ago) but now I seem to have developed this guilt which hangs in the back of my head that I don't feel it. I don't want to cry at baby commercials. I've never cried at a BFN. I don't stalk the baby section at Target. It's rare that I feel one of those longings that makes my uterus hurt.

I spend a lot of time exploring these feelings, and recently I feel like I've come up with some answers for them.

While I was excited to finally get on the same page with DH in order to start to TTC, I feel like I've been robbed of that newbie rush and excitement because I already knew that trouble loomed ahead. It's almost like I've been approaching this as more of a "science experiment" than an exciting new step in our life together, so I feel a little cheated in this respect. Like I was robbed of my TTC innocence.

Last week I met my little sister for a dinner and a glass of wine(okay--a bottle, but we split it and didn't finish it!) and I suddenly had this desire to tell her that we're TTC--but of course, I resisted. And it was through my mental back-and-forth on if I should tell her or not that I realized some things.

Earlier in my blog, I tried to explain my feelings about hiding this from my family and my answer was that they wouldn't understand. Then I realized that I've been avoiding my family a bit. My current analysis is that I was hiding from my family because I knew that I'd want to tell them--and they would be excited, but I wouldn't--for several reasons.

First is that they would be really excited and supportive, but they truly wouldn't understand. They would try to make me feel better with those blanket statements about how I won't know until I try, I come from a long line of Fertiles, etc.

Second is that they would think it's weird that I'm not excited. I feel embarrassed that I'm not. I'm sad that I'm not optimistic at the present moment. I also think that I'm holding some of my emotions and maternal desires at bay as a self-preservation measure. It's like I won't let myself "go there."

Lastly, is the realistic side of me that knows that I would then need to manage their expectations and their disappointment would only exacerbate mine--and I have enough on my own with these long cycles and lack of O. And heck, CD54 already feels like a long time to me and I still haven't O'd or gotten AF, so it would seem like ages to them as well--like they'd expect more things to be going on.

A post over on Dooce.com the other day really got to me. It was her month 60 letter to Leta, which truly touched me to read about how much she loves her daughter and the joy she has brought into their lives. In a moment of weakness, I felt all weepy over it. I guess it was one of the brief moments where I finally let the emotions break through.

So I don't have a resolution to all of this, but here's my update. Do with it what you will.

xoxo,
MrsSC