Happy CD1 to me!

Sound the alarms! Ring the bell! Start the parade!

Hooray for The Cycle That Will Not End actually ending! YAY ME!!!!!!!!

Three more days...

Wow. Is this chart overlay thing like eerily accurate or what?

Yay for moving onto cycle #2! I'll be really happy if this stays on track and she arrives in two days. While I'd always like for her to bump it up and arrive early, it would be nice for me to have some part of my cycle that's consistent!

Happy Thursday, everyone!

PS - 97.18? Welcome back! I (kinda) missed you!

I'll tumble for ya

As expected, my temps continued to decline this morning. I kept waking up between 3:00-6:00, just long enough to look at the clock or push the cat off of my face, but enough that I'm sure if I would have slept peacefully that my temp would have been even lower.

Ironically, today FF decided to award me 5 days of VIP service--5 days too late in my book! We'll just be hanging out, my VIP service and I, having a drink and waiting for AF. Furthermore, it's stupid that his free trial doesn't give me access to searching their chart gallery--so it's pretty much useless to me.

That said, the chart overlay feature helped me to confirm for all of you that this is the end of the road for Cycle #1. Can you believe that Cycle 1 started on Dec. 18th? Pray tell, how many cycles have most of you TTC'ers been through since Dec. 18th?

Anyway, I have to say that I feel really good about ovulating, which makes me infinitely less anxious about next cycle. There's been a huge pressure lifted now that there's no chance that I can have a baby before my 30th birthday. I feel a little more confident in my chart reading abilities and that I'm on a good path with vitex, soy, and fertilitea until I pursue acupuncture later this spring.

So I've done my laundry and all of my black underwear is ready to go for AF's arrival later this week. Also, my sister is having an 80's prom party this Saturday, so I'll be having guilt-free cocktails all evening.

Speaking of which, I got my costume last night! I was going for a Jem look, but it's actually kinda Misfits because I found this amazing/awful purple silk wrap dress and Jem was all pink. It'll be a nice parting gift since I wasn't the grand prize winner.

Anyway, for those of you die-hards who are still thinking "It could still happen!" type thoughts, I POAS this morning so that Jenn can sleep tonight (and I got to say I told you so!) and here's my chart for confirmation:

Can you bounce wit me, bounce wit me

Hey there, temps! Are you having a good time? It looks like you're enjoying a fine progesterone roller coaster o' fun. I've added illustrated lightening bolts to my chart for emphasis, I hope you enjoy them.

Now I shall record my phantom symptoms of the month, so that in future months when I'm feeling optimistic I can come back here for a reality check, knowing that these are just LP/AF's arrival symptoms.

My boobs are huge (for me), painful, and hard as rocks. One of my friends even commented on them last night, which was pretty funny (he's gay). I had pink tinged CM on Friday night, along with one darker, more concentrated spot of pink. Sunday I had some weird cramping, but it went away quickly.

I haven't been voraciously hungry, like I usually am. And I eat a ton of fruits and vegetables and I've been sorta constipated for the past two days. I have an all fruit and veggie meal plan for the day, so that should kick start things.

I've always been a gagger when I brush my teeth and DH bought a different kind of toothpaste (I hate gel!!), so I've been gagging for the past 4 days or so.

Today marks 11DPO and because my temps started a descent today, I resisted testing. When I got up this morning, I thought to myself that I should grab one, but then I gave myself a stern talking to and reality check and I marched myself to the potty as fast as I could to rid myself of FMU. YAY ME, right?

I'm expecting my temp to tumble tomorrow based on the only LP reference that I have. I'll keep you posted.

Dear Chart,

Dear Chart,

I know that I've been hard on you. I mean--let's not kid ourselves--it's been a long road to get here. 65 days to ovulate is a wee bit ridiculous--especially since most of my GP buddies and blogs that I stalk are on their third cycle by now--and some already with BFP's. Not to rag on you, but sometimes your slowness makes me feel like a serious underacheiver.

But let's not dwell on that. Let's talk about how great you're doing! I'm so proud of those rising temps and that we're on 10DPO and still going strong. The only other cycle that I have an estimated O date gave me a 16 day LP, but I'm not sure if that's even accurate, so I will be very happy to confirm that I have a nice, long LP. I mean, it's not like I expect O to occur and suddenly you're Speedy Gonzales, but at least in this instance, the fact that you're a wee bit more Slow Poke Rodriguez is now a good thing.

Life is what happens to you while you were busy making other plans

So I've mentioned that I'm feeling good now that I've ovulated--and my temps keep going up, so I'm no longer questioning my CH's. Whoohoo!

DH and I had a few nice, long talks over last weekend. On Friday we discussed the options out there for next cycle - try it again naturally, check out acupuncture, or see my RE. I explained to him what each of these options meant.

He expressed some concern about seeing my RE, knowing that he'll just push for clomid, which DH would really, really, like to pursue as a last resort. And I agree with him--we're sorta crunchy like that and since we just started and don't have extreme baby fever, we're willing to give this awhile to work.

We had a wonderful weekend together working on projects, hanging out, etc. By Sunday I'd come up with a nice mental plan that I shared with him and we're both very comfortable with.

We're going to do another cycle naturally--just doing the herbs and teas that I've been doing. Since my cycles have been in this 70 range, that will take us through March and April for sure.

I'm also cracking down on my diet and going vegan (however, I'm saving one meal a week in case I want to have dinner with friends and this can't be accommodated). In all honesty, I'm hoping to drop a few pounds during this time to make myself feel a little bit more comfortable in my own skin. Plus I'm going to try to add some sort of workout regimen.

I'd then like to reward this hard work with a vacation (I don't want to jinx myself with the word "babymoon" but let's just call a spade a spade, mmkay?) in April or May and when we return, pursue acupuncture.

I don't feel a need to make plans beyond that--not because I think that I won't need them, but because who knows how I will feel at that point.

You know how I said I'd been feeling embarassed about TTC and the guilt that I've been having because I don't have baby fever? Well, I'm feeling better about both of those items. I feel really great about the path that we're on. Dare I say that I actually feel excited about this now? I think ovulating has given me the glimmer of hope that I needed.

Thanks for listening, interwebs.
xoxo,
MrsSC

First clear ovulation photographs

While this is probably not safe for work viewing, this is totally fascinating if you ask me.

Not what I pictured at all, but still very cool! I wonder how far away the fallopian tubes are and how the egg finds its way there. I also thought that ovaries could mature several follicles, but only one would release the egg--so I guess I'm surprised not to see other follicles. What would an ovary look like if that egg wasn't released and it was turned into a cyst?

Or maybe I'm just a wee bit too fascinated by this?

But I would like to point at these photos and proudly shout from the rooftops, "MY OVARIES DID THIS, TOO!!"

Okay, I give up. I'm convinced

Dear FF and ovaries,

Now that I'm finally giving into your crosshairs, I would like to ask that you not mess with me this time. I'm content that I ovulated, even though there's no chance of conceiving with our timing so I'd really appreciate it if you'd just let me have my glory.

I am not throwing myself a pity party over timing. In fact, I feel really great about the plans that DH and I have been talking about (and which I'll share shortly). Don't get me wrong, an immaculate conception BFP would be welcomed to our home, but there's zero expectation for it.

And if you could just ease up on this boobie pressure, that would be great. DH hugged me last night and I sorta wanted to die. I'm sleeping in a bra and I'm walking around my house holding my boobs. It's ridiculous.

Still not convinced

I'm not sure at what point I'll actually believe my CH's - my temp was up again today, but my cats started waking me up about a 1/2 hour early so I might need to check that sleep deprived box. Also, when it was time to temp, I realized my thermometer had fallen off of my nightstand and it took me about 30 seconds to locate it.

So I was thinking about these factors while I was in the shower, so when I went back upstairs, I temped again to see how much it had risen over the past 20 minutes of being up and it was exactly the same.

It's funny. At the beginning of this cycle, I was on here trying to convince all of you that I had O'd and now I'm on here asking you to believe that I didn't. It's funny how things work, yes?

The biggest factor that has me thinking that I did is that my boobs feel like they're going to freaking explode! For the two days before my temp rise, I had a tingly sensation, but then the day of the temp rise the pain set in full force and they get more painful and heavier (but not any bigger, dammit!) each day.

But who knows.

Don't believe the hype. Yet.

*stares at chart*

Yeah, I'm not convinced.

Sure, it's a nice temp rise. I mean, I'm not one to knock the possibility of a functional babymaker. I mean, I think we all know I'd be the first one to set up a parade in my living room if I thought an egg could be released from my cyst-ridden ovaries.

So at the risk of being crowned MrsDebbie Downer, I think we should recognize and take heed of the the mounting evidence against me:

- It's barely above the coverline.
- I drank both Friday and Saturday night. Now, I didn't get bombed or go to bed even tipsy, but I think both nights I was in the 3-4 drink range (spread out over a few hours).
- Sat and Sun nights DH had our space heater on in our room. While I didn't get excessively hot, I wonder if the air in the room could affect my temp that slightly.
- Let's not fool ourselves. This has happened before (CD's 20 & 35).

The only evidence in favor of these CH's being even moderately factual is that my CM has totally dried up, my CP is low and closed (so far), and my boobs feel like they're going to explode. Isn't that a sign of the progesterone phase of the cycle? Or am I imagining that I read that somewhere?

And FYI, if this indeed was the real deal, our timing was completely non-existent, as we only BD'd the morning of my temp rise. And seriously, I'm not upset about this at all. If indeed it turns out to be an O, I'm gonna be dancing in the streets based on this fact alone.

I'm not gonna lie, though. It feels good to see 3DPO next to my ticker. It makes me feel like a 2nd or 3rd string player instead of just sitting on the sidelines.

"How do I know if I have a fertility problem?"

You know how FF always posts a "helpful faq" (note Airquotes Of Anger) when you enter in your data for the day? Well, mine was less than helpful this past week.

How do I know if I have a fertility problem?



Your doctor can help you determine whether or not you have a fertility problem. You should seek your doctor's help if you are concerned about any aspect of your health or fertility, if you suspect you could have a fertility problem or if your timeframe for conception does not allow you to wait.

While you should seek help whenever you are concerned, and not all issues can be seen on your chart, there are some things that you may see on your chart that should be discussed with your doctor:

-charts that show no ovulation detected
-no period
-delayed ovulation and no pregnancy over several cycles
-ambiguous charts with unclear ovulation patterns over several cycles
-charts that show very high temperatures throughout the cycle
-charts that show very low temperatures throughout the cycle
-charts that clearly show luteal phase is consistently shorter than 10 days
-post-ovulation high temperatures for more than 18 days with no period and no positive pregnancy test
-unexplained mid-cycle bleeding or spotting
-extended menstrual bleeding
-temperature does not show clear shift over several cycles
-charts show a clear ovulation pattern, well-timed intercourse and no pregnancy over several cycles
-scant or no fertile cervical fluid over several cycles
-no pregnancy after trying to conceive for several cycles
-anything that is causing you concern

What kind of fertility tea do you drink?

I don't know if you've noticed, but I try to be a bit of a health nut. It's served me well over the past year or so and I definitely feel the difference. Granted, I do fall off of the wagon, but usually it's pretty easy to get back on and I just feel so much better when I'm eating healthy.

So whilst at my local organic food market, I purchased some Women's Liberty Tea from Traditional Medicinals. It's mostly licorice root, wild yam, don quai root, fo-ti ruber (WTF?), angelica root and then a small blend of sweet orange peel, ginger, cinnamon, and clove.

The labeling says that it promotes a healthy hormone balance (whoo hoo!) by combining herbs to suport the production and regulation of hormones and that it's formulated according to Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM henceforth) to nourish and warm the blood and regular menses.

Dong quai comes up a lot in TCM anovulatory articles, but it seems that it's something that really should be administered by a herbalist, but the teas are pretty light in how much you're actually consuming, so I thought I would add it to the routine. I can't say that I'm in love with the taste, but it's way better than the colon cleanse tea that I tried to choke down last year. ICK!

So what tea do you drink?

Your thoughts: A poll for my gentle readers

I'm well over the 2 month marker since my last period, so I'm getting to the point that I need to decide what to do next.

My choices at this point are to:

1) Wait it out and see what happens (which could be another month or so).

2) Fill my prescription for provera to induce a period (which is what I suspect threw off my cycle in October--but of course I can't prove this. I had been pretty regular at about 38-40 days until I took that and the next cycle was 73 days)

After that decision is made, the next decision would be to:

1) give it another natural shot to let things happen

2) consult a natural health specialist and look into more herbal supplements or acupuncturee

3) call my dr. for a consultation

I've been fairly inclined to talk to a natural health specialist considering the good things I've been reading about it. I called two today to get an idea of how things work and what they run. One of them costs $175 for an initial consultation and testing to get your hormone levels. They seemed to really know their shit.

Acupuncture runs $70/visit or 10 visits for $500. So the whole natural health route seems more expensive than I initially thought it would be, but I guess in the grand scheme of things, the last round of tests that I had with my RE easily ran me $500 with copays and deductibles.

What would you do, gentle readers? Poll's on the right.

Crazy is as crazy does

AF *MUST* show up soon. This is not negotiable. Something or someone has taken over my body and I want them to kindly leave, please!!

I'm generally a happy-go-lucky kind of person, but yesterday I had a mood swing hit me that made me want to MURDER SOMEONE! Death and destruction! Violence and fires! RRRRRAAAAWWWWWRRRR! *RIPS SHIRT, BEATS CHEST*

Phew! I think that was either a flashback or some residual anger. I think I'm okay now.

Anyway, it started innocently enough...

I made us omelets for dinner and they turned out crappy (I had some Velveeta leftover in our fridge from a recipe for a party, so I threw it in and HOLY HELL IS THAT STUFF DISGUSTING! NEVER AGAIN!)

So I was grossed out by the taste and Dh took one bite and stopped dead in his tracks. I don't know if he was even chewing or breathing, but I was just waiting to hear what he'd say. Usually when I have a cooking mistake we laugh about it and instead he was so silent that it made me feel terribly judged and like he was questioning my sanity in what I put into it. Sure, that's okay for me to do but I just wanted a little, "Aww, honey! Thanks for the effort!" which I didn't get.

Well, that sent me over the edge.

Next thing you know, I'm angrily cooking up crepes (can one actually cook up a delicate french confection with anger? YES, I SAY! Indubitably!) and I totally burn mine, make his too thick, so by the time I got to make myself another he was sitting at the dining room table, just starting at me in the kitchen in disbelief. I seriously had to eat standing up in the kitchen with my back turned to him because I was afraid that if I made eye contact with him I was going to accidentally set him on fire and thus, be responsible for his untimely death. And who would care for the cats while I'm in jail and he's 6 feet under, pray tell?

To make me sound even more insane, I also feel compelled to share with you that while I was waiting for the crepes to cook in the pan, I seriously just wanted to start beating the stove with the spatula and then pick up the pan and start beating the stove with it as well. Until it was dented and bruised, like my precious brain was feeling. It was one of those moments that I just needed the house to myself and my anger and there was no way that I was going to get that.

So mood swings? Could ya let up a bit? I am *not* this person. Dh did nothing wrong. I was overwhelmed by hormones and was totally incapacitated by their strength.

WTF, I say! WTF?

An open dialogue...

In reference to yesterday's posts, here are my replies to your comments.

Angie,

We are totally in the same boat! A year and a half ago I was saying, "Let's sell our worldly possessions and become citizens of the world! Who needs a house and babies" but yet last spring I was trying desperately to change jobs for a more family-friendly environment.

And sometimes I still look at my DH and think, I love our life right now. I love having the time and energy to do special things for him. To throw parties for our friends. I love that I can be counted on to add special touches to things or make events more special.

But will that actually go away? Or will it just become less important to me?

Will I wake up at 50 and think, Dang it! I'm not hot anymore and I don't know what I've been doing for the past 20 years. And who is this guy next to me? Why does he look like an aging Mark Wahlberg?

But I also think some of my mental teeter tottering is a coping mechanism for if shit *does* go wrong. If things don't work out.

And I don't know that feeling in your heart to gaze at your own child or hear them say I love you mommy. I don't miss what I don't have... yet.

###

Blue,
Whoohoo! New commenter! *Kisses!*

I think it's all about if that friend can be trusted and if they'll annoy the crap out of your or understand--and if you're ready to share? I'm not of the mindset that it needs to be absolutely secret and that no one has the right to ask you ever (I'm not that harsh. I think there's a time, place, and sensitivity level that should be observed.)

###

Boxie,
It is hard. It keeps everything at an arm's length. It's weird to want to have a chance to fail--and we're sorta being cheated out of that if we can't friggin' ovulate.

Then again, we're being saved from disappointment after disappointment (we're just in one big disappointment) and it's probably a bit easier for us to forget about it and go about our daily lives since we don't have our hopes up.

I think it just sucks for everyone.

###

Lady,
What is it about TTC that makes me feel like a dirty, unwed teen? Is it all of those years of making out the back of cars? Of hiding sex from our parents, siblings and some friends? Is it just that we're trained that sex is dirty and we just can't get over it? "WTF," I say! WTF?

And the isolation thing is a vicious cycle--THANK JEEBUS GOD for GP! A whole bunch of ladies to chat it up with, obsess, and ask our stupid questions. And if we're sick of them, we log off and vice versa. It's a win-win!

###

Katy,
I wish I had your obsession for motherhood. I carry this guilt that I don't have this pull in my heart and I don't know why it's not as natural for me. I feel guilty that I'm in this TTC club, but I can't chime in when people say how much they want it. I want it, don't get me wrong. But I'm not bitter, upset, or obsessed.

Well, at the same time I see how it would make TTC worse for me to want it so badly and so openly. The last 64(? I'll have to check my ticker) would have been all the more traumatic.

<-- Recovering Catholic, here. I'm all about the guilt.

###

Melania,
I'm glad I'm not alone in this DEFLECT! DEFLECT! game of cat and mouse. It's just easier to divert than to deal with it head-on.

###

Mrs Bro,
I'd love to have a close friend to confide in--but seriously, nobody I'm close with IRL is in the same boat as me. We're all still at pretty different life stages--some single/dating/newly married/got KTFU without trying/not having kids... It's all over the place. I actually have 2 friends who know for various reasons (*waves*), but it's just not their bag.

Who I really wish I could tell is my sisters. They're my BFF's and they know me so ridiculously well, but I just can't bring myself to do it. They just wouldn't get it.

###

Lindsay,
I'm so glad that you get where I'm coming from on this and feel my pain. Why is it so hard to admit? Why does it feel embarassing?

###

To the rest of my readers,
Join in the conversation. I think this is a good one!

Anyone feel embarassed?

Does anyone feel embarrassed admitting that they're TTC? Like admitting that you want it is embarrassing?

I've been feeling that way lately--you know, amidst sorting out this plethora of feelings that I seem to have. I saw a friend from college the other day who is expecting and she asked if we were ready yet (in a very polite, encouraging and friend-like manner) and I immediately launched into my usual "OH MY GOD ARE YOU KIDDING?!" shtick that I use to ward off the barrage of pressure that I've gotten from people over the years.

I don't know if it's because of the possibility of failure, the fact that I've joked that I'm not ready with people to ward them off and how they'll take my change of heart, fear that someone wouldn't understand my situation, or if it's that I'm just not ready to talk about it yet.

I feel very alone in this and could use someone else telling me it's okay...

That's where you come in, Internet Friends: Tell me your feelings.

I totally understand if you feel compelled to buy this for me.

Since I can't buy this for myself and put it away (because that's weird), I want you to understand that you can go ahead and buy this for me. I mean, you know it's totally cute and totally appropriate for my wannabe-fisherman husband, our nautical little love cottage house, and my little ticker schooner.

But you know, since I'm all crunchy (aka ecological and economical), maybe I should just pick it up at Old Navy and put it somewhere safe.

You know, to save you the shipping...

Was it something I said?

Don't go! Was it too soon? Did I say too much? Did I scare you off?

Ahh, little boat, little boat... My precious schooner ticker! I fear that if you sail too much farther, you might just fall off of the face of the planet and we don't want that, do we? So seriously, dude--let's ovulate or menstruate. It's your choice. You just have to pick one or the other.

Oh, and for those of you who were completely grossed out by yesterday's post (and yes, there were literally HUNDREDS of you sick little puppies who read about my bladder and turds yesterday), I just want to say that you can rest assurred that I will hold nothing back from you. At least you know that with MrsSC, you'll get honesty and a wee bit of sarcasm.

Now if only my cycle was that dependable...

TMI to end all TMI's: You've been warned.

A GP question today (what I've learned charting) led me to decide to disclose to you something that I discovered this week in checking my cervical position. I share this with you for no other reason than I am completely insane. So if you're weak stomached or think your vagina is disgusting, I suggest you wander on to someone else's blog.

That said, I will probably still regret this. But I keep telling myself that if my discovery can help just one TTC'er, it's worth it. (RIGHT?) And this blog is anonymous and with moderated comments, so plbbbbt!

So I usually check my CP right before I pee because I'm all icked out at the idea of shoving my finger up my hole with all of that fresh urine having just exited the vicinity. Well, yesterday morning I had to pee so badly that I barely had a moment to check my CP and I thought to myself, WOW! That is super high! WTH? I could also feel a swelling coming from the front of my body.

After I peed, I thought about it and decided to check again and it was WAY lower! The swelling was gone as well. So I guess I now totally understand why pregnant women pee themselves so often. LOL

Are you disgusted? Ready to run for the hills? Well, fasten those seatbelts because I'm about to take that TMI and raise you ONE MILLION TMI's! 'Cause this one is really groty!

So last week I was rushing to check before I had my morning poo and as I reached up, I thought to myself, No way. I cannot feel a turd through the back of my vag wall... can I?

Guess what? YES YOU CAN! Awesome, right?

So that's what I've learned about my body since charting. If you don't want to be my friend anymore, I understand.

Dear chart,

Please allow me to explain this to you. My tribute to 97.18 was meant to be a SATIRE, not an invitation to stay at that temperature indefinitely. Because seriously? That was just like rubbing salt in a wound this morning.

To further illustrate this point, I'm going to have to get visual on you, as rhetoric apparently isn't doing the job.

You're supposed to look line this:


NOT THIS:

Thankyouverymuchly,
MrsSC

PS - This morning DH gave me an adorable drawing of him and our two beautiful cats and it said, "Happy Valentine's Day, from your boys." It was so freaking adorable and sweet and it kinda simultaneously warmed and broke my heart, knowing that it's a very real possibility that it'll still just be the three of them in next year's drawing.

PSS - Congratulations to my BFPB, JennandAustin, on her BFP today--I am so excited for you!