I feel like an emotional Goldilocks.

I’ve been in a real funk lately. I think it's a combination of factors - mood swings (O? Are you out there?), the fact that I've somehow gained almost 10 pounds in 3 months, and also trying to sort out some of my most recent TTC feelings.

I was (clearly) pretty upset last night when DH said that he hadn't been in the mood because things had become a routine. I've been trying really hard to keep things pressure-free and not talk about it. I mean, TTC probably only comes up once every other week or so. I thought that was pretty darn good!

But after I gave it some thought, I realized that despite my efforts, it's still a pink elephant in the room. This isn’t about whether or not I’m annoying him by talking about it -- he has his own worries, fears, and mental pressures as a man. I just wasn't in a good place last night to try to take that type of comment constructively.

I'm going through a period where I'm just really sad - not like, OMG, I see a pregnant woman and want to cry or steal her baby because Hello? It has only been a handful of months.

I'm sad that since we knew I was going to have issues going into this, we've been robbed of our excitement about taking this step. To me, it seems like right now we should still be swinging from the chandeliers and whispering to each other in the dark about how great it will be when we're successful.

And a big part of that is my fault--and I don't mean the physiology of TTC. As a defense mechanism, I immediately go into that "manage expectations" mode. You know--don't get too excited, don't get hopeful, don't talk about the future because who knows what will happen, don't be too encouraging because I'll just disappoint you, etc. And in saying all of that and putting up those types of negative walls, I've managed to wall myself in on this one. And isolation is such a mofo.

And when I really dig down to understand why I haven’t told my sisters (who happen to be my absolute best friends), it’s because of this same “manage expectations” thing that I do. They'll expect me to be excited and not understand why I'm not—and I’m embarrassed and afraid that they’ll take this out of context and analyze or judge.

I just wish I had an ounce of excitement instead of just gallons of disappointment that we're so cautious about this instead of excited. Instead I've just filled this whole experience with mediocre (and sometimes downright bleak) expectations.

Let me try an analogy - I feel like a bride who is pulling together a wedding on a budget and everyone around her is so excited about their big weddings, so as a defense I'm always like, "Oh mine won't be that special, it's on a budget. It won't be that big of a deal, I just want you to come and have a good time. Don't expect much." and by placing all of those caveats and setting low expectations for everyone, she actually misses out on the joy and excitement of the occasion. It should be a happy time and yet she ends up looking down on it because the significance of it has been lessened in her eyes.

I think I need to figure out a way to let a little more excitement into this instead of always being on the defensive.

PS - 97.45, mood swings, headaches, and a little boob tenderness and a blank week of BD boxes...again. Seriously?