A slow descent into hell...

Did you see that temp today? 97.05... I know, right? WTF?

So yeah, this has me down in the dumps. While I know that it seems a wee bit early (first cycle TTC) for me to be feeling this way, it seems like my waiting game started so, so long time ago... Waiting to take provera at the beginning of October, waiting to see what would happen on that cycle (like maybe we'd take a chance that cycle on our big fat European vacation--but no O opportunity), then waiting for that 10/1 cycle to finally end to try a "real" cycle TTC (note: that cycle didn't end until 12/18!), now waiting to see if I can O on my own (not so successful on that last one).

But then when you take into account the past few years waiting to be at the point in my life where I could test the waters and see if I'd be able to conceive, it puts this frustration into better context and hopefully makes me sound less crazy and whiny.

I guess I've been able to mentally put off the strain of being told there's something wrong with me, but not knowing to what extent... but now I'm being forced to deal with it! I keep hearing girls say that there's a voice in the back of their heads saying, "Don't worry, it's normal... It can take normal couples up to a year to get pregnant." HA! Why is it that I only get the voice in my head that says, "...But you're not normal!"

*sigh* I don't know how long it'll take for that to sink into my head--I am not normal. I guess that'll finally happen on the day that the desire to have a baby overwhelms my desire to not ingest fertility drugs and hormones. I'm just not there yet.

The other night DH asked how things were going for us in the TTC department and I just said, "Honestly, I have no idea." He inquired about when would be an appropriate time for him to go and get checked out and I explained that it wouldn't be until after we were pursuing treament for me. He asked if that meant we'd be at risk for multiples and I told him yes. He said he really hoped that it would work out on it's own because of his fear of multiples and complications for both me and the (phantom) babies.

The first thought that popped into my head when he said that was just, "Yeah, easy for you to say... Now!" And it is still easy for him to say and relatively easy for me to hear--because I don't want to be at risk, either. In fact, I don't want there to be anything wrong with me so that we don't have to have this type of discussion. And I know the day will come when we need to revisit the topic because the scales have tipped in the other direction. I just don't know when that day will be.

So every day I just stare at my FF ticker, waiting for the day when it realizes that I'm out of cycle days and then I'm stuck watching it count up to 50, 55, 60, etc. I feel like I'm in a staring contest with it, daring it to blink and add more days, confirming my status as an ovulatory failure.

What happened to my 38 day cycles of yesteryear? Did I somehow take a tremendous step backwards? Was I never one step ahead in the first place?