Consider this post to be my very first post in this blog. The "archives" that I've laid before you are in all honesty a wee bit of a fabrication. I took previous posts from my message board of choice and reworked them into blog posts. The dates, information, and feelings remain the same, however.
But where does that leave us? Well, I guess here's where I insert my self-assessment. Hold on to your britches, beeotches, this could be a long one.
When I was first DX PCOS, I got all freaked out and had a pretty solid bout of baby fever. I worried so much about TTC, that I was ready to get myself into the mindset that I should work towards making that happen as soon as possible. I remember those strong urges, those emotions of wanting to feel a baby growing inside me. It was almost overwhelming.
Eventually, good reason and life took over. I managed to talk myself off of the PCOS/anovulatory ledge. I realized there was much more for us to accomplish before we TTC. New career opportunities unfolded before me.
Years passed. I waited for those strong emotions to return, but in all honesty, they haven't. I feel like this time I'm being guided by reason instead of raw emotions. Maybe it was just my youthful impulses that made me feel that strongly. Maybe I'm remember those feelings through rose colored glasses. Or maybe I'm holding this whole situation at an arm's length in order to protect my emotions if DH decides he's not ready yet, or something happens, or if I can't get pregnant.
They say you're never truly ready, and I totally understand that. I think if you don't go through bouts where you're totally freaked out, you're probably not taking this decision seriously enough. We're there financially, age/career/marriage-wise. I'm ready when he is. And I think he is.
I thought after our talks in November that he was cautiously on board. Either way, I was planning on temp/chart properly and I'm kicking myself for not doing so this whole year--then I would have a huge frame of reference to see if I ever ovulate.
I know my RE said from that one set of bloodwork that I had elevated estrogen levels (evidence of cysts), but it seemed that my other levels were okay. This year I've really changed my diet and it appears to have had an effect on having a normal period (they've been averaging about 36-38 days, except one cycle where I ate like crap and one right after the provera--also where I ate like crap due to our trip to Europe and Thanksgiving).
My RE said he wanted to see me again when we decided to TTC, in order to start prescribing drugs. However, due to lots of research and life experience I've come to the conclusion that I'd like to remain as hormone-free as possible, both in my diet and in my TTC journey. I'd like to give this a shot naturally before I go there.
So one of my (many) queries to the ether is how long should we try before I make that appointment? I guess this month's chart will be my first clue and I'll answer my own question.
Last night DH and I had another little chat about this whole TTC journey and his hesitations and fears. He expressed concern that he can't seem to read how much I want this--to which I explained to him what I've said above--maybe after a few cycles of trying I may find that I have that deep yearning released again. But for now, I'm just comfortable and happy with the decision to move forward and give it a shot. I told him it was his call if he wanted to continue to try or not, but that I'm game if he's game.
So... we wait and we chart.
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