There's too much freaking pressure. Too much shit running wild in my head. I wanted to start this blog as a way to express how I feel about this whole process, but I'm already feeling that I'm censoring myself because the only people I've shared this with are the girls on GP who I am just getting to know and I have some fears about getting flamed for the thoughts I have in my little noggin. But I've also realized that by holding back and editing myself, I'm helping no one--not the women who might have the same feelings and fears and not even myself. So here goes...
When my Dr. first brought up that I might have trouble TTC, I was a worried mess. Something switched on in me-a simultaneous fear and devastation. I had never really had anything "wrong" with me before... And here stood a symptom and a diagnosis to go along with it. It gave me the baby fever something fierce (which I've mentioned in the archives), but in the end, reasoning won that battle and we decided to wait. I told myself I'd be okay and that it was smart to wait.
I sought out solid information and decided to take myself to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) instead of a regular gynecologist. Whenever I hear about other people's ailments, I'm always ultra concerned they're getting the best care, even if there's no emminent danger, so I decided to take my own advice. He made me feel ultra comfortable in rediagnosing me (anovulatory vs. PCOS) and that he would help me to determine the best course of action when the time was right. This meeting caused another flutter of baby fever, but I did my best to hide it and get over it quickly, as DH and I had some very real goals to meet.
But now the goals have been met. And I've had a full checkup with my RE to ensure that all of my organs are in good shape and that it's probably just a hormone imbalance type thing. I've learned how to temp and chart. I've done everything that I can to get myself in the right shape--physically, emotionally, financially, career/marriage, etc.
And now I'm sitting here, waiting to see if I can ovulate on my own. The big O. CD19 for those of you who are keeping track. It's been a week of negative OPK's (I couldn't resist testing early and then it was just a runaway train from there), but my EWCM has appeared, my CP looks good, and tonight I'll test again. Could this be an O? Really?
Part of me still believes that I can do it on my own by maintaining a healthy, animal and hormone-free diet. Part of me thinks we'll need to turn to science to make that happen.
Part of me wants us to knock this out of the park on our first try--an easy and speedy victory to prove my RE and gynecologist wrong... HA HA! Because I kick ass and I've taken care of myself! Part of me knows that we won't.
Part of me wants to tell my family that we're going to start trying, so that they will please stop asking when and making suggestions that we should start. A huge part of me remembers conversations that I tried to hold with them to explain what my gyn/RE have told me, the tests I've taken, and how I feel about it all. That same part of me knows that they don't understand how I feel. I come from a family of fertiles and the idea that one of us could have a hard time doesn't register. There's no "I hope everything goes okay, we're here for you," but instead "Well, you don't know until you try..." type statements. It's frustrating and sometimes I feel like I'm not being heard or what I'm saying can't be comprehended by them.
There--how's that for honesty?
I love your honesty and hell, its your blog so feel free to ramble about anything and everything that goes through your head!
ReplyDeleteIn reading, I had a couple opinions that I wanted to share:
1. Dont tell your family are at TTC, atleast not yet. Once people know, they feel like it gives them free reign to ask any question and share any piece of info they want. If you have friends to go through the journey with, or the girls on GP or heck, just DH- Id stick with that for awhile.
2. Not that any problem with TTC is "ideal" but an ovulation problem is not a huge issue. I mean, I know how scary it is to be told you have an issue (I was scared, too) but in the grand scheme of things, its not a huge issue. There are alot of things that can be done to correct ovulation and so many people with ovulation issues go onto get pregnant, some dont even have to use any fertility drugs. So its not like you're missing a tube/tubes or DH's sperm is all out of wack. I think that ovulation issues, although scary, are one of the easiest things to work on and correct. And from experience, I had anovulation issues and with a few cycles of Clomid, have moved back into full ovulation for 12+ cycles on my own. So it can happen!
I wish you luck and hope that you DO prove the RE wrong! :)