I can certainly see why this state of trying to conceive can wear on a person. Granted I'm new to this, but I entered into this with a skewed view of how this would go based on my reproductive endocrinologist-induced panic attacks, so I probably jumped ahead a few steps and frustration levels. But that's generally how I work--I learn everything I can about a topic and then dive right in headfirst... It usually ends with me forcing things to go my way, but it seems that reproduction may not be so accommodating. Dammit.
This whole back/forth on trying to figure out if I O'd is confusing. With just one discarded holiday hangover temp, I keep my solid crosshairs on Fertility Friend. And any way I enter it in on the Ovusoft software from Taking Charge of Your Fertility (TCOYF from here on out), it shows that I O'd that date.
But I don't know what to think in all honesty. I go back and forth, finding it hard to believe that all of those symptoms were wrong... and I hate to send like someone just whining and fishing for ovulation hope... But here I go anyway!
My temps are awfully low for being post-ovulation, right? Each day I wait and hope that it goes up, but it just sorta bounces around--above the faux coverline, but not in the 98's just yet. That's not high enough, is it?
And say I didn't O on the 5th or 6th... If my CM dried up and my CP went back to "infertile," what is the likelihood that it will return and O later in this cycle? Let's just use my last cycle for comparison--I had a super long cycle and I started charting way late. Due to temps, I got dotted CH's at CD50 and then proceeded to have a 16 day LP--but I didn't have any CM signs at CD50. Or was that just because the whole dang cycle was anovulatory? WTF?
So every day I'm left second-guessing myself, my charts, my reproductive abilities and my sanity. Every day I'm left wondering why on Earth I didn't chart for all of 2008 so that I would have a basis for comparison and save myself this distress. Every day I wonder if I should just call my RE and schedule a TTC consultation.
I think once I have this one cycle under my belt, I'll be able to relax a little. Right now I feel like I'm running against a clock, trying to see if I can conceive and carry a child to term before my 30th birthday. Once that possibility is past, I think I'll be able to calm down and go with the flow for awhile. There's just so much dang pressure...
TTC never gets easier but you do get to a point where you dont think about temps, phantom symptoms and your CM all day. I fondly remember my first cycle and it was a time of carefree baby making sex and none of the stress that comes with the fact that cycle 20 (and my 30th b-day, im so with you on that) is looming. I know your situation is different because you do have a PCOS diagnosis and when I started TTC, I was just a crazy 28 year old with nothing to lose but my one suggestion is not to overthink this whole crazy TTC thing. Its great to be informed and its great to be involved, but the more you overthink it, the more you feel isolated from everyone around you thats NOT part of your TTC world. Trust me, I know :)
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