How do you measure, measure a year?

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife

In five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?

How about love? How about love?
How about love? Measure in love

C'mon now, you know you wanna go ahead and hit play...



You know, I never really liked that song before, but recently a friend used it to describe her journey through infertility and subsequent IVF success and it just warmed my heart, having been there for that year of her life with so many ups and downs. (Congrats again my darling POF! and thank you for the beautiful flowers, you are so sweet and thoughtful!)

And now I find myself with an interesting 365 day, 180 degree turn of my own. And now the song makes a whole lot more sense--and of course, now brings me to tears.

So one year ago today, someone from my doctor's office called me and greeted me with the best news I'd ever heard-- "You're definitely pregnant!" but I think we all know how that story ended...

But today another person from my doctor's office showed me one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen-- my baby, with two glorious, functioning kidneys. Sometimes it *is* the little things in life that matter the most.



*sigh* Two very different April 28th's in my life, 365 days apart. But considering I can't have one without the other, I'll take them both for what they are.

So today with equal amounts of happiness, hope, and bittersweet wishes, we'll keep choosing to hold onto the love for both of our sweet little babies and let it multiply and thrive. And if I could speak to both of our babies right now, I'd thank you for everything you've brought into our lives over the past year and for making us who we are today.

The ultrasound also showed a crazy active little baby who was flopping all around, waving, and really putting on a ridiculous show. DH described it as s/he rebelling like 'NOOOO! I don't wanna take a bath! *insert distraction* Look Mom! Look what I can do!" But it really was glorious to see the little nugget in there, settled in for the long haul. (And hella cute, right?!)



The u/s tech asked if we were going to find out the baby's sex and I was like, "Sure--if it cooperates, after you're done with checking everything else. But if you can't tell, I promise not to cry. I really don't care either way and if all else fails, I'll find out on delivery day." ;-) She thought that was funny and a nice deviation from the usual "I MUST KNOW NOW!" vibe she usually gets.

And for everyone whose curiosity was piqued by mentioning she asked us if we wanted to know, the verdict was that it's too soon to tell. We were given a guess at our NT scan and one today and they're totally conflicting, so we're going back May 24th for a full anatomy scan and most likely it'll be more obvious then. And if not, we'll find out in October. ;-)

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned
Or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned
Or the way that she died

It's time now to sing out
Tho' the story never ends
Let's celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends

Remember the love...Seasons of love
Measure your life, measure your life in love

Mental health day

Today, I gave up. Stress had been creeping up on me over the past week, giving me a wicked eye twitch and yesterday the stress headaches started and won't let up. We also had to attend a funeral yesterday for one of my friend's moms who we adored who passed away after a brain aneurysm.

So this morning when my alarm clock went off and my head was pounding from the tiny bits of light coming through our curtains, I gave up. I texted back and forth with my boss a little bit (seriously, best.boss.ever!) and agreed that I could stay home and do a little work from here. I knew I'd be useless if I went in.

I slept in with a pillow over my head until my eyes weren't bothered by the light anymore and I've spent my morning on the couch, alternating between doing work and just playing around on the computer. All in all, probably more work than I probably would have gotten done in the office.

So maybe this is the easy way out to cheat my way 1 day closer to our ultrasound on Wednesday, but you know what? Fuck it. ;-)

A good pick-me-up

I've been feeling more than a little apprehensive and freaked out over the past day or two. Having our kidney function ultrasound next week has dredged up memories of our anatomy scan last August... And it's left me feeling a little shaken.

I know that it's very unlikely that the same thing happened again or that there's anything else wrong. When those fears surface, I do my best to squash them. But then when I try to envision being given happy news, it's bittersweet that we didn't get good news last time. I hate to be greedy, but I want both of my babies here with me.

But I just had an unexpected interaction in the bathroom with a coworker. She asked me how I was feeling and if we were finding out if it's a boy or a girl. She asked if we found out last time, but then started to stop when she remembered that I hadn't carried the pregnancy to term. I just smiled and replied that yes, we did find out when I delivered and we had a little girl. She said that was sweet and then went on to ask about names and we discussed that for a little bit.

It felt good to say that I delivered a little girl. I may not get to walk around with her in my arms every day, but every day I walk around with her in my heart. And it felt good to say that out loud.

In other news, I've been getting more belly bubbles and starting to get that seasick feeling of something rolling around inside me--but nothing distinct yet. I'll be sure to keep you posted on progress.

Good news

When I went for my NT scan, they said it would take about two weeks for my bloodwork results to come in--that would be this Wednesday. So of course I called today!

The good news is that my bloodwork came back well within the normal range and I'm considered 1/5288 risk for Down's Syndrome and 1/10,000 for Trisomy. Combine this with the good ultrasound results and I'm feeling good. ;-)

16 days until our kidney function ultrasound! I've got sometime going on every night this week (all very fun stuff with friends and a wedding this weekend) and I'm sure next week will fill right up, so I'll be keeping myself busy in the meantime.

xoxo

Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future

Things continue to move along at a steady pace and for that I am very grateful. But honestly, I have no idea what has come over me that I'm able to keep my spaz-tastic self at bay. I remember all too vividly the way that I used to mentally WILL the clock to keep clicking hours/days during the first trimester of my pregnancy with Jude... But this time it's just very different.

I've had no problems seeing people and not telling them--last time I was bursting at the seams to tell anyone who looked so much as glanced my way. I've been keeping myself occupied and (gasp) sometimes not thinking about it at all.

That said, the secret was let out of the bag last week after a successful NT scan. I went back and forth on whether or not I wanted to post it on Facebook, but in the end decided that I was actually more comfortable with a mass announcement than actually having to tell people. Call me weird, call me crazy, but that's just how my mind apparently is working nowadays.

Like I said, the NT scan was great. The nuchal fold was measuring either 1.1 or 1.5 (they look for anything less than 3) and my bloodwork results will be back in another week or so, but I'm hopeful for good news.



Today marks the 1st day of my 2nd trimester (going by the official 13w3d dating system) and I'm excited to be cruising toward my kidney function ultrasound which is 3 weeks from tomorrow.

Can it really be that I can consider myself out of the woods in 3 weeks? Is this really happening, for real, and for sure? *grabs the light at the end of the tunnel and hangs on for dear life*

The weird gets weirder.

For the record, I am NOT a person who typically believes/looks for signs... but seriously so many things have popped up lately, I feel like the universe is sending me a ridiculous amount of messages lately!

So we decide to name our Potters Sequence baby Jude after the patron saint of lost causes, no matter what gender. I grew up a total Beatles fanatic, so it's not long after deciding this that I take a little comfort in the song "Hey Jude," even though it was written for a very different purpose. Later I find out the song "Hey Jude" was originally released on August 26th, 1968... and we found out our bad news about Jude on the anniversary of the song 8/26/09.

On my way to my first ultrasound appointment about 6 weeks ago, Howard Stern was playing an old interview with--who? Julian Lennon, John Lennon's son and the boy "Hey Jude" was written for. Hmm... very weird.

Then I find out my due date is 10.9.10 (due date with Jude was 1.9.10).

THEN I find out that 10.9 is John Lennon's birthday.

Seriously!?! There are too many bizarre connections here and I feel like I can't really ignore them. Maybe I'll just take it as my Jude being on the other side, letting me know that she's okay and is very happy for us.

Little victories

I had a great doctor's appointment this morning. It was great for the following reasons:

- I was in/out in about 15 minutes.
- All of my bloodwork and tests (usual 1st tri stuff) from my last visit came back a-okay.
- My blood pressure was perfect
- I've gained about one pound at 10 weeks--I think that's pretty darn good!
- I'm scheduled for my NT scan on 3/31... Two weeks from tomorrow!
- I'm scheduled for our kidney function ultrasound on 4/28
- I got to hear a fabulous, strong and steady heartbeat at 160BPM!!

Needless to say, I am a smiling fool today. It's a warm and lovely day here in NEOhio, we're headed out to celebrate my BFF's 30th birthday tonight, and in general all is right with the world.

I hope more good things are on the horizon for my friends and family, too. A nice handful of my awesome friends could really use some good news. Hint, hint, universe!

I am not alone. Again.

That feeling--it's back. I finally feel it. I'll have to go back and check my archives to see when it first arrived with Jude (all I remember is the New Kids on the Block concert) but over the past day or two, I finally feel like someone is down there like a Who down in Whoville, letting me know that they're there and they care.

I hear you loud and clear, little bugger. And I'll keep doing what I can to take care of you every day for as long as you let me.

Clearly it's too early for movement or even to have a visible bump (I was also shocked to discover this morning that I haven't gained a single pound--which is bizarre because my hunger pains have me acting more than a little Al Bundy), but there's just something that's different lately. I just have this strong feeling like another soul is taking up residence in my ute, making me feel content and cozy that life is good.

Thanks, little bugger. Momma loves you and appreciates you making your presence known more than you'll ever know. XOXO

Storytelling

Last night I finally started a new pregnancy journal. I wanted this baby to have a record of it's own of our journey together, one separate from Jude's. It was weird to be writing about our reactions to finding out I am pregnant again and our first ultrasound so late after the fact, but I've got some entries planned for the near future to make up for lost time.

I had gone out journal shopping a few weeks ago and didn't find anything I liked, but then last night I remembered that someone had given me a journal after we lost Jude and had included with it these two sweet coins that said hope and love--I tied them to the ribbon bookmark in the center.

In a way, it felt like a lie to not mention Jude because their stories are so interconnected. Still, I felt it was important to start something new, to make it clear that this isn't a replacement baby or Jude 2.0. This life is indeed Baby #2, with it's own story.

Eventually I'll probably give this baby both journals, so I guess it doesn't really matter. I'm also still writing in Jude's journal fairly regularly, even though it's more for my continued healing at this point than for any other reason.

We also haven't decided when or how we'll share Jude's story with our child. But the good news is that we have a long time before we have to decide anything like that.

In the meantime, I'll just try to keep telling both of their stories.

How did I not notice this before?

Jude's EDD: 1/9/10
BabyMSC's EDD: 10/9/10