The big O... and I'm not talking about Oprah or orgasms.

There's too much freaking pressure. Too much shit running wild in my head. I wanted to start this blog as a way to express how I feel about this whole process, but I'm already feeling that I'm censoring myself because the only people I've shared this with are the girls on GP who I am just getting to know and I have some fears about getting flamed for the thoughts I have in my little noggin. But I've also realized that by holding back and editing myself, I'm helping no one--not the women who might have the same feelings and fears and not even myself. So here goes...

When my Dr. first brought up that I might have trouble TTC, I was a worried mess. Something switched on in me-a simultaneous fear and devastation. I had never really had anything "wrong" with me before... And here stood a symptom and a diagnosis to go along with it. It gave me the baby fever something fierce (which I've mentioned in the archives), but in the end, reasoning won that battle and we decided to wait. I told myself I'd be okay and that it was smart to wait.

I sought out solid information and decided to take myself to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) instead of a regular gynecologist. Whenever I hear about other people's ailments, I'm always ultra concerned they're getting the best care, even if there's no emminent danger, so I decided to take my own advice. He made me feel ultra comfortable in rediagnosing me (anovulatory vs. PCOS) and that he would help me to determine the best course of action when the time was right. This meeting caused another flutter of baby fever, but I did my best to hide it and get over it quickly, as DH and I had some very real goals to meet.

But now the goals have been met. And I've had a full checkup with my RE to ensure that all of my organs are in good shape and that it's probably just a hormone imbalance type thing. I've learned how to temp and chart. I've done everything that I can to get myself in the right shape--physically, emotionally, financially, career/marriage, etc.

And now I'm sitting here, waiting to see if I can ovulate on my own. The big O. CD19 for those of you who are keeping track. It's been a week of negative OPK's (I couldn't resist testing early and then it was just a runaway train from there), but my EWCM has appeared, my CP looks good, and tonight I'll test again. Could this be an O? Really?

Part of me still believes that I can do it on my own by maintaining a healthy, animal and hormone-free diet. Part of me thinks we'll need to turn to science to make that happen.

Part of me wants us to knock this out of the park on our first try--an easy and speedy victory to prove my RE and gynecologist wrong... HA HA! Because I kick ass and I've taken care of myself! Part of me knows that we won't.

Part of me wants to tell my family that we're going to start trying, so that they will please stop asking when and making suggestions that we should start. A huge part of me remembers conversations that I tried to hold with them to explain what my gyn/RE have told me, the tests I've taken, and how I feel about it all. That same part of me knows that they don't understand how I feel. I come from a family of fertiles and the idea that one of us could have a hard time doesn't register. There's no "I hope everything goes okay, we're here for you," but instead "Well, you don't know until you try..." type statements. It's frustrating and sometimes I feel like I'm not being heard or what I'm saying can't be comprehended by them.

There--how's that for honesty?

Keeping focus

So at this point, most of DH and my conversations are inundated with baby thoughts and ponderings. Not so much planning ahead, wondering what a little one would look like, but moreso still adjusting to the idea and discussing our fears.

I've spent the day (at DH's suggestion) clearing out our 4th bedroom, lovingly nicknamed my "eBay room" because when we first moved into our home, I was pretty strung out on selling things on eBay. However, the name is a kinder version of saying, "That pit of a catch-all room that seriously needs to be remodeled before we could even ponder it as a nursery. So here I am, boxing it all up, throwing things away, and once it's all done we will look to hiring a contractor to do some electrical and drywall work.

And to those that think we're getting ahead of ourselves, this 4th bedroom is part of a finished attic, but this room was very poorly done with paneling and not drywall. Baby or no baby, it needs to be done and our upstairs was already designated the project for this winter.

So... That's it for the day!

But what does it all mean??

Consider this post to be my very first post in this blog. The "archives" that I've laid before you are in all honesty a wee bit of a fabrication. I took previous posts from my message board of choice and reworked them into blog posts. The dates, information, and feelings remain the same, however.

But where does that leave us? Well, I guess here's where I insert my self-assessment. Hold on to your britches, beeotches, this could be a long one.

When I was first DX PCOS, I got all freaked out and had a pretty solid bout of baby fever. I worried so much about TTC, that I was ready to get myself into the mindset that I should work towards making that happen as soon as possible. I remember those strong urges, those emotions of wanting to feel a baby growing inside me. It was almost overwhelming.

Eventually, good reason and life took over. I managed to talk myself off of the PCOS/anovulatory ledge. I realized there was much more for us to accomplish before we TTC. New career opportunities unfolded before me.

Years passed. I waited for those strong emotions to return, but in all honesty, they haven't. I feel like this time I'm being guided by reason instead of raw emotions. Maybe it was just my youthful impulses that made me feel that strongly. Maybe I'm remember those feelings through rose colored glasses. Or maybe I'm holding this whole situation at an arm's length in order to protect my emotions if DH decides he's not ready yet, or something happens, or if I can't get pregnant.

They say you're never truly ready, and I totally understand that. I think if you don't go through bouts where you're totally freaked out, you're probably not taking this decision seriously enough. We're there financially, age/career/marriage-wise. I'm ready when he is. And I think he is.

I thought after our talks in November that he was cautiously on board. Either way, I was planning on temp/chart properly and I'm kicking myself for not doing so this whole year--then I would have a huge frame of reference to see if I ever ovulate.

I know my RE said from that one set of bloodwork that I had elevated estrogen levels (evidence of cysts), but it seemed that my other levels were okay. This year I've really changed my diet and it appears to have had an effect on having a normal period (they've been averaging about 36-38 days, except one cycle where I ate like crap and one right after the provera--also where I ate like crap due to our trip to Europe and Thanksgiving).

My RE said he wanted to see me again when we decided to TTC, in order to start prescribing drugs. However, due to lots of research and life experience I've come to the conclusion that I'd like to remain as hormone-free as possible, both in my diet and in my TTC journey. I'd like to give this a shot naturally before I go there.

So one of my (many) queries to the ether is how long should we try before I make that appointment? I guess this month's chart will be my first clue and I'll answer my own question.

Last night DH and I had another little chat about this whole TTC journey and his hesitations and fears. He expressed concern that he can't seem to read how much I want this--to which I explained to him what I've said above--maybe after a few cycles of trying I may find that I have that deep yearning released again. But for now, I'm just comfortable and happy with the decision to move forward and give it a shot. I told him it was his call if he wanted to continue to try or not, but that I'm game if he's game.

So... we wait and we chart.

VICTORY!!

The old skank whore finally decided to show her face... which is good because I wasn't sure if my boobs or my brain would explode first from their respective painful swelling/frustration.

It must've been the cookies that I had last night--apparently the magic recipe to make her appear is 2 gingerbread, 2 no-bake chocolate cookies, and 2 marshmallow holly wreaths.

So now I get to switch to my new BBT and start tracking! Yahoo!

This is the cycle that will not end. Yes, it goes on and on my friends...

I think Provera is what messed me up. My cycles had been about 38 days for awhile now, but my RE wanted me to try Provera to induce a period during the litany of previous visits, but she'd always show up before I could get to it, so I did that in early October and now I'm stuck on a long cycle.

I didn't think it was possible to O on CD 47, but I started temping around CD 35 and entering them into FF, and I had a dip/spike around CD 47 that FF marked as my O day (but it was only dotted CH's, so who knows).

I had about 15 days of elevated temps after that, but they dropped over the weekend, so I'm sure AF will be soon to follow (my bb's hurt like a mofo), but to add to this massive amount of confusion, my temp was back up again today, but not as high as it was.

Seriously, this cycle has to end!

Dear AF,

Dear AF,

I baked cookies. Lots of cookies. Please come home for Christmas.

Love, Me

Seriously... it's CD 63 and I'm sooo ready for this beeotch to arrive. She no-showed for Thanksgiving, the least she could do would be to show me some love by Christmas...

Dearest Aunt Flo,

I'd like to cordially invite you to my Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. I know this seems like a last minute invitation, but really, I promise that you have been on my mind. It's not just that I'm ready to commence with the charting, obsessing and BD'd that I'm sure is to follow, but seriously? I've just become a hormonal, irrational bitch and I'm hoping that your speedy arrival is the case, not the fact that sometimes I'm just cranky and/or an awful person.

But back to the issue at hand--I'm making turkey and stuffing (I know how much you love carbs!) and I'm going to make an attempt to bake a chocolate and raspberry torte. Maybe I'll throw in a glass of wine and something super salty and we can call it a date, yes?

xoxo, Me, my vagina, and my DH's sanity

Was that a false start?

I was a little worried that I'd posted my TTC thoughts too soon--that DH would get cold feet. But I came home today and he was a little sad--one of his friends in NC called to say his wife is PG and he was a little jealous.

I know it's nothing compared to what girls with trouble TTC have gone through, but that little moment where he was sad was super cute and I think it made him further realize how much he wants this. Maybe we really are there.

Is this it? Is it really, really it?

I know I'm probably getting ahead of myself on a lot of this, but since I try to be an organized list-maker, this is what has transpired in my noggin' lately that makes me think that we've reached the cusp of being ready to TTC (please note that this is not in order of importance):

- I'm turning 30 next year... ICK!
- My maternity leave rocks, as does DH's insurance.
- Savings is in good shape.
- Went to Europe, learned that while I enjoy travel, I do not want to sell off my worldly possessions and become a citizen of the world. Settling down and having kids sounds like a better plan.
- Finishing up my dental work that needs to be done (last real "procedure" is Dec. 2nd).
- I already eat a pretty healthy diet with lots of fruits and vegetables. I've cut back on carbs and kept what I do eat to mostly whole grains. I could do better on the low carbs thing, though. I avoid processed foods, too, but could always do better on going out to eat (but I don't eat fast food).
- I don't drink coffee or pop, but I do drink tea. I need to up my water intake on a daily basis. I've cut back on alcohol for the most part, but I'm sure there's going to be some more holiday fun before I'm officially done with it (and officially TTC).
- I've been taking a prenatal vitamin since last January (RE's recommendation), Target brand.
- I need to add some sort of exercise plan, especially including pilates because of my herniated disc... I've heard it's a b*tch while PG.
- I've learned how to check CM, CP, temp and chart. I'm not 100% sure that I've ever detected ovulation, but I do get EWCM sometimes. This year since we weren't TTC, I just kept CM/general cycle info in FF, but I did do a little temping here and there... I know, I know... Unacceptable. Believe me, I regret this now because I could have a whole year's worth of cycle information at this point instead of wondering and worrying.
- I'm not sharing this information with my family in order to avoid unnecessary questions/suggestions from well-meaning loved ones.
- I did that whole check-up series with my RE this summer and it looks like there's no visual barriers to conception, just a chemical inbalance that prevents ovulation. However, my periods have been more regular this year than ever in my life (Almost every cycle was about 38 days instead of the months and months that I've experienced before--I tend to think it's diet related). So do I give it a couple of months on our own and have an appointment set with my RE for Feb/March? He said that when we're ready to TTC to give him a call, but I'm fairly certain that's just to start clomid.

What am I missing to try to increase our chances of this happening naturally? Preseed? Evening primrose oil? OPK's? I know those things can't increase chances of ovulation, but might they give me a better understanding of what's going on in the uterus department? That's all that I can think of for now.

May I please be crowned the valedictorian of TTC? Or at the very least, the Eagle Scout of TTC?

Effing provera!

I'm trying to induce a period with Provera and I'm on day 6 (of a 10 day supply at 10mg) and I don't feel AF coming on at all yet. For some reason, I had it in my head that once I started taking it, AF would appear right away. Apparently I'm delusional in this expectation.

I'm on CD 34 and hoping to have AF and get rid of her before our fabulous European vacation on the 16th. My RE has wanted me to take this for some time in order to see if it induces a period. If I'm recalling his instructions correctly, if it works it means that my (suspected) inability to ovulate is a simple miscommunication between my reproductive organs, which can be remedied with some meds. If not, it's a brain communication issue. So... I'm just hoping this stuff starts working to get that answer squared away.

To add insult to injury, I've been feeling ridiculously bloated since being on this garbage--way worse than AF. Today I stepped on the scale and almost had a heart attack. I didn't expect this AT ALL as a side effect, but maybe that just means that I should have googled more before poppin' these lovely pills. I've been pretty good about eating right and monitoring my salt intake, but I seriously feel like I ate 7 bags of Fritos! Jesus Christ! 2 days left of these bitches... I wonder how fast will this go away??