I thought I was such a pregnancy overacheiver. In fact, I was ready and poised to be named the valedictorian of TTC and pregnancy.
I got pregnant on the second cycle (4+ months) and got my positive pregnancy test like four days before someone should normally get a positive test. My bloodwork numbers were fabulous--and almost all of them had some weird number significance with me (which I don't normally pay attention to, but in this instance I thought it was so cool). My baby was always measuring a day or two ahead at my ultrasounds, my NT scan was glorious and the chance of Downs Syndrome was super low.
I tried to choose the right foods to balance everything out and get the right vitamins. I forced myself to drink enough water and only allowed an infrequent indulgence of soda--but no alcohol, no coffee/tea, etc. I didn't have morning sickness, I worked through the tiredness, and I tried to keep the complaining to a minimum. I understood the gift that I'd been given and I wanted to do everything in my power to make it a success and keep the good vibes flowing.
Even when I'd get comments about how I hadn't popped yet, I felt this surge of confidence that I looked good for 5 months. I was doing something right! Right?
I didn't do this out of fear--because honestly in my heart of hearts, I knew everything was going okay and I just wanted to give my baby the best start possible--I *LIKED* doing these things. I just knew that I had a good egg in there and that it was nestled in for the long haul. I knew that this baby inside was the perfect mix of myself and my husband and we were going to give it a wonderful, stable, and nurtured life. I knew that I'd continue to keep calm, be confident, and have an amazing, life-altering natural delivery.
*sigh*
Well, apparently I didn't know jack fucking shit...
(Not looking for any reassurances, I just wanted to bitch.)
*whispers* Happy 1 month birthday, my sweet baby. You know, wherever you are...
Yet again, I don't have the right words. Just hugs and for you to know that there's someone *listening*. xo
ReplyDeleteSometimes it's hard to see the forest through the trees. One day...I hope this terrible journey makes more sense.
ReplyDeleteBitch all you want, sweetie. You owe it to yourself to vent. I wish this was easier on you. Just know how many people out here in the WWW are thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie, I am so sorry. Feel free to vent all you want. ::hugs::
ReplyDeleteAs the months pass, I pray this will get a little easier for you. I know it will always hurt, but I hope the pain will ease up some. And FWIW, I think you are more than entitled to bitch, scream, kick, whatever you need to do. No matter what, we'll all keep listening and supporting you the best we can.
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie, I have no words. You did do everything exactly right for your little baby girl and sometimes life is just shitty like this. Vent all you want and we will always be here to support you. I am so sorry this happened to such a wonderful person.
ReplyDeleteI don't have the right words, but I offer big hugs and an open ear. xoxo
ReplyDeleteSo sorry Sweetie.
ReplyDeleteYou were a fantastic mother, I don’t know anyone who was as calm and dedicated to giving their baby the best start ever. And to top it all off, it was like you never took one day for granted, you never doubted the miracle that you had inside you. You were able to enjoy the time you had with your daughter at it’s fullest. That was the gift you and your daughter gave to each other.
ReplyDeleteOy! Thanks for making me totally cry at work, boxie!
ReplyDeleteMuch love to everyone. Really.