So I'm meeting with my boss and coworker in the central area of our company and our Starbucks is blasting the newly remastered Beatles collection. I was almost sick to my stomach as I knew it was only a matter of time before "Hey Jude" would pop up.
And then there it was. Clear as a bell and reverberating through my brain. Fuck. It's a song that I like to listen to by myself when I'm feeling up to it--those are the circumstances under which I'm comfortable with it! But not like this. Not catching me offguard and holding me hostage during a business meeting!
About 30 seconds in, I can already start to feel my face get hot and I can feel my eyes just darting around, looking for some sort of escape, telling myself to tune it out and be a big girl.
But then my boss looks at me and says, "Yeah. This probably isn't a great song to hear right now."
That was it. Without even thinking, I closed my notebook and put it down and just managed to say, "I've gotta go. I'll be back" before I broke into tears and hurried into the bathroom where I managed to collect myself after a few minutes.
I knew they understood why I left and I knew they wouldn't think less of me for doing it. But I still wasn't sure how to walk back into the meeting and continue without just breaking down into tears again. So you know what? I went to my desk, took one of my prescribed xanax, and just sat there for a few minutes (Hello? The song is like 7+ minutes long.)
I've been doing my best to not use the drugs that have been offered to me, but you know what? Fuck it. Sometimes you just can't be the hero.
Sometimes you can't be the hero, and nor do you need to be. Do whatever it takes to give yourself some comfort.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you had to deal with that today. You do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteNo need to be a hero. YOu are a strong woman as it is. DO w/e you need to do to make you feel better.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Oh God, that song in the middle of a meeting? Im really sorry. The Xanax was 110% warranted and I hope the rest of your day was managable. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. There is a reason they gave you those drugs, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking them.
ReplyDeleteYou do what you need to to get through the moment. After all, they prescribe those for a reason, and there is no shame in using them. ::hugs::
ReplyDeleteNo one expects you to be a hero, and you shouldn't expect it of yourself. You are human, you hurt, feel, and react. You held it together better than I would have.
ReplyDeleteSurviving what you are going through is heroic - it matters not how you go about surviving it. xo
ReplyDeleteYou're already a hero for all that you have bravely endured. You do what you need to make it through the day...
ReplyDelete