Everyone, back to your stations! Nothing to see here, just keep movin' along. I'm sure you have jobs to do and very important lives to lead, so there's no reason sittin' around here, checking to see if I ovulated.
So I know you're supposed to just go home and jump your DH when you have such obvious fertile signs (not clueing him in on the fact that you may indeed be fertile in order to keep the pressure off), but I felt the need to give him a heads up because despite the fact that we had discussed trying and feeling ready and had been swinging from the chandeliers for the past two weeks, my strong fertility signs yesterday made me feel like we were in need of a little sit-down to confirm how we were feeling before we proceeded. And talk we did. He felt the same panic that I did, along with second guessing, and eventually we just talked it out.
It was a long conversation, examining all of this pressure we're under from all angles to start to reproduce and how we feel about each pressure. I tried to keep my comments to ones that just encouraged him to explore his feelings rather than be an additional pressure to convince him. And when it was all said and done we came out to the same conclusion... We both feel about 85% ready to do this, but can't come up with a single reason not to. It's just the fear of the unknown holding us back.
I guess I just felt like we'd declared that we wanted this in theory, but I needed to confirm it more formally.
And then my temp didn't rise this morning. BOOO!
Could I have been that wrong? Was this just a newbie mistake, getting so excited and rallying the troops? I mean, there was a ton of unmistakable EWCM throughout the day and evening, my temps have been low and consistent since the holidays, my CP seemed right on and surprisingly high... and I'm not a cramping person, but I distinctly felt a sharp pain in my righthand side after I got home that I thought had to be an ovulation pain (seriously, it stopped me in my tracks!) I mean, aren't phantom pains for people who are sitting still, waiting and hoping to feel a pain? Or did my appendix burst? JK.
So here we are today, PNV was taken early this morning and I've waited the required number of hours before I started drinking my mug of green tea (this is my first day adding it to my regimen, for the record). Will I ovulate today? Did my body just try and due to lack/overage of hormones, stopped? Will Wonder Woman bear fruit before her 30th birthday (10/18)?
Stay tuned, kiddies!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Holy EWCM, Batman! No effing joke!
So I'm on CD19, my temps are low and steady (the disruptions in my chart can all be blamed on holiday disruptions and drinking), and my CP is high and soft. I'll take an OPK when I get home.
We've been BD'ing every other day for the past two weeks or so. He's not enlightened on how this whole process works, but I have to give him bonus points for being diligent! LOL
I feel like I'm going to throw up, I'm so nervous that I am/am not ovulating. And if I do, how do I survive the next two weeks??
We've been BD'ing every other day for the past two weeks or so. He's not enlightened on how this whole process works, but I have to give him bonus points for being diligent! LOL
I feel like I'm going to throw up, I'm so nervous that I am/am not ovulating. And if I do, how do I survive the next two weeks??
The big O... and I'm not talking about Oprah or orgasms.
There's too much freaking pressure. Too much shit running wild in my head. I wanted to start this blog as a way to express how I feel about this whole process, but I'm already feeling that I'm censoring myself because the only people I've shared this with are the girls on GP who I am just getting to know and I have some fears about getting flamed for the thoughts I have in my little noggin. But I've also realized that by holding back and editing myself, I'm helping no one--not the women who might have the same feelings and fears and not even myself. So here goes...
When my Dr. first brought up that I might have trouble TTC, I was a worried mess. Something switched on in me-a simultaneous fear and devastation. I had never really had anything "wrong" with me before... And here stood a symptom and a diagnosis to go along with it. It gave me the baby fever something fierce (which I've mentioned in the archives), but in the end, reasoning won that battle and we decided to wait. I told myself I'd be okay and that it was smart to wait.
I sought out solid information and decided to take myself to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) instead of a regular gynecologist. Whenever I hear about other people's ailments, I'm always ultra concerned they're getting the best care, even if there's no emminent danger, so I decided to take my own advice. He made me feel ultra comfortable in rediagnosing me (anovulatory vs. PCOS) and that he would help me to determine the best course of action when the time was right. This meeting caused another flutter of baby fever, but I did my best to hide it and get over it quickly, as DH and I had some very real goals to meet.
But now the goals have been met. And I've had a full checkup with my RE to ensure that all of my organs are in good shape and that it's probably just a hormone imbalance type thing. I've learned how to temp and chart. I've done everything that I can to get myself in the right shape--physically, emotionally, financially, career/marriage, etc.
And now I'm sitting here, waiting to see if I can ovulate on my own. The big O. CD19 for those of you who are keeping track. It's been a week of negative OPK's (I couldn't resist testing early and then it was just a runaway train from there), but my EWCM has appeared, my CP looks good, and tonight I'll test again. Could this be an O? Really?
Part of me still believes that I can do it on my own by maintaining a healthy, animal and hormone-free diet. Part of me thinks we'll need to turn to science to make that happen.
Part of me wants us to knock this out of the park on our first try--an easy and speedy victory to prove my RE and gynecologist wrong... HA HA! Because I kick ass and I've taken care of myself! Part of me knows that we won't.
Part of me wants to tell my family that we're going to start trying, so that they will please stop asking when and making suggestions that we should start. A huge part of me remembers conversations that I tried to hold with them to explain what my gyn/RE have told me, the tests I've taken, and how I feel about it all. That same part of me knows that they don't understand how I feel. I come from a family of fertiles and the idea that one of us could have a hard time doesn't register. There's no "I hope everything goes okay, we're here for you," but instead "Well, you don't know until you try..." type statements. It's frustrating and sometimes I feel like I'm not being heard or what I'm saying can't be comprehended by them.
There--how's that for honesty?
When my Dr. first brought up that I might have trouble TTC, I was a worried mess. Something switched on in me-a simultaneous fear and devastation. I had never really had anything "wrong" with me before... And here stood a symptom and a diagnosis to go along with it. It gave me the baby fever something fierce (which I've mentioned in the archives), but in the end, reasoning won that battle and we decided to wait. I told myself I'd be okay and that it was smart to wait.
I sought out solid information and decided to take myself to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) instead of a regular gynecologist. Whenever I hear about other people's ailments, I'm always ultra concerned they're getting the best care, even if there's no emminent danger, so I decided to take my own advice. He made me feel ultra comfortable in rediagnosing me (anovulatory vs. PCOS) and that he would help me to determine the best course of action when the time was right. This meeting caused another flutter of baby fever, but I did my best to hide it and get over it quickly, as DH and I had some very real goals to meet.
But now the goals have been met. And I've had a full checkup with my RE to ensure that all of my organs are in good shape and that it's probably just a hormone imbalance type thing. I've learned how to temp and chart. I've done everything that I can to get myself in the right shape--physically, emotionally, financially, career/marriage, etc.
And now I'm sitting here, waiting to see if I can ovulate on my own. The big O. CD19 for those of you who are keeping track. It's been a week of negative OPK's (I couldn't resist testing early and then it was just a runaway train from there), but my EWCM has appeared, my CP looks good, and tonight I'll test again. Could this be an O? Really?
Part of me still believes that I can do it on my own by maintaining a healthy, animal and hormone-free diet. Part of me thinks we'll need to turn to science to make that happen.
Part of me wants us to knock this out of the park on our first try--an easy and speedy victory to prove my RE and gynecologist wrong... HA HA! Because I kick ass and I've taken care of myself! Part of me knows that we won't.
Part of me wants to tell my family that we're going to start trying, so that they will please stop asking when and making suggestions that we should start. A huge part of me remembers conversations that I tried to hold with them to explain what my gyn/RE have told me, the tests I've taken, and how I feel about it all. That same part of me knows that they don't understand how I feel. I come from a family of fertiles and the idea that one of us could have a hard time doesn't register. There's no "I hope everything goes okay, we're here for you," but instead "Well, you don't know until you try..." type statements. It's frustrating and sometimes I feel like I'm not being heard or what I'm saying can't be comprehended by them.
There--how's that for honesty?
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Keeping focus
So at this point, most of DH and my conversations are inundated with baby thoughts and ponderings. Not so much planning ahead, wondering what a little one would look like, but moreso still adjusting to the idea and discussing our fears.
I've spent the day (at DH's suggestion) clearing out our 4th bedroom, lovingly nicknamed my "eBay room" because when we first moved into our home, I was pretty strung out on selling things on eBay. However, the name is a kinder version of saying, "That pit of a catch-all room that seriously needs to be remodeled before we could even ponder it as a nursery. So here I am, boxing it all up, throwing things away, and once it's all done we will look to hiring a contractor to do some electrical and drywall work.
And to those that think we're getting ahead of ourselves, this 4th bedroom is part of a finished attic, but this room was very poorly done with paneling and not drywall. Baby or no baby, it needs to be done and our upstairs was already designated the project for this winter.
So... That's it for the day!
I've spent the day (at DH's suggestion) clearing out our 4th bedroom, lovingly nicknamed my "eBay room" because when we first moved into our home, I was pretty strung out on selling things on eBay. However, the name is a kinder version of saying, "That pit of a catch-all room that seriously needs to be remodeled before we could even ponder it as a nursery. So here I am, boxing it all up, throwing things away, and once it's all done we will look to hiring a contractor to do some electrical and drywall work.
And to those that think we're getting ahead of ourselves, this 4th bedroom is part of a finished attic, but this room was very poorly done with paneling and not drywall. Baby or no baby, it needs to be done and our upstairs was already designated the project for this winter.
So... That's it for the day!
Friday, January 2, 2009
But what does it all mean??
Consider this post to be my very first post in this blog. The "archives" that I've laid before you are in all honesty a wee bit of a fabrication. I took previous posts from my message board of choice and reworked them into blog posts. The dates, information, and feelings remain the same, however.
But where does that leave us? Well, I guess here's where I insert my self-assessment. Hold on to your britches, beeotches, this could be a long one.
When I was first DX PCOS, I got all freaked out and had a pretty solid bout of baby fever. I worried so much about TTC, that I was ready to get myself into the mindset that I should work towards making that happen as soon as possible. I remember those strong urges, those emotions of wanting to feel a baby growing inside me. It was almost overwhelming.
Eventually, good reason and life took over. I managed to talk myself off of the PCOS/anovulatory ledge. I realized there was much more for us to accomplish before we TTC. New career opportunities unfolded before me.
Years passed. I waited for those strong emotions to return, but in all honesty, they haven't. I feel like this time I'm being guided by reason instead of raw emotions. Maybe it was just my youthful impulses that made me feel that strongly. Maybe I'm remember those feelings through rose colored glasses. Or maybe I'm holding this whole situation at an arm's length in order to protect my emotions if DH decides he's not ready yet, or something happens, or if I can't get pregnant.
They say you're never truly ready, and I totally understand that. I think if you don't go through bouts where you're totally freaked out, you're probably not taking this decision seriously enough. We're there financially, age/career/marriage-wise. I'm ready when he is. And I think he is.
I thought after our talks in November that he was cautiously on board. Either way, I was planning on temp/chart properly and I'm kicking myself for not doing so this whole year--then I would have a huge frame of reference to see if I ever ovulate.
I know my RE said from that one set of bloodwork that I had elevated estrogen levels (evidence of cysts), but it seemed that my other levels were okay. This year I've really changed my diet and it appears to have had an effect on having a normal period (they've been averaging about 36-38 days, except one cycle where I ate like crap and one right after the provera--also where I ate like crap due to our trip to Europe and Thanksgiving).
My RE said he wanted to see me again when we decided to TTC, in order to start prescribing drugs. However, due to lots of research and life experience I've come to the conclusion that I'd like to remain as hormone-free as possible, both in my diet and in my TTC journey. I'd like to give this a shot naturally before I go there.
So one of my (many) queries to the ether is how long should we try before I make that appointment? I guess this month's chart will be my first clue and I'll answer my own question.
Last night DH and I had another little chat about this whole TTC journey and his hesitations and fears. He expressed concern that he can't seem to read how much I want this--to which I explained to him what I've said above--maybe after a few cycles of trying I may find that I have that deep yearning released again. But for now, I'm just comfortable and happy with the decision to move forward and give it a shot. I told him it was his call if he wanted to continue to try or not, but that I'm game if he's game.
So... we wait and we chart.
But where does that leave us? Well, I guess here's where I insert my self-assessment. Hold on to your britches, beeotches, this could be a long one.
When I was first DX PCOS, I got all freaked out and had a pretty solid bout of baby fever. I worried so much about TTC, that I was ready to get myself into the mindset that I should work towards making that happen as soon as possible. I remember those strong urges, those emotions of wanting to feel a baby growing inside me. It was almost overwhelming.
Eventually, good reason and life took over. I managed to talk myself off of the PCOS/anovulatory ledge. I realized there was much more for us to accomplish before we TTC. New career opportunities unfolded before me.
Years passed. I waited for those strong emotions to return, but in all honesty, they haven't. I feel like this time I'm being guided by reason instead of raw emotions. Maybe it was just my youthful impulses that made me feel that strongly. Maybe I'm remember those feelings through rose colored glasses. Or maybe I'm holding this whole situation at an arm's length in order to protect my emotions if DH decides he's not ready yet, or something happens, or if I can't get pregnant.
They say you're never truly ready, and I totally understand that. I think if you don't go through bouts where you're totally freaked out, you're probably not taking this decision seriously enough. We're there financially, age/career/marriage-wise. I'm ready when he is. And I think he is.
I thought after our talks in November that he was cautiously on board. Either way, I was planning on temp/chart properly and I'm kicking myself for not doing so this whole year--then I would have a huge frame of reference to see if I ever ovulate.
I know my RE said from that one set of bloodwork that I had elevated estrogen levels (evidence of cysts), but it seemed that my other levels were okay. This year I've really changed my diet and it appears to have had an effect on having a normal period (they've been averaging about 36-38 days, except one cycle where I ate like crap and one right after the provera--also where I ate like crap due to our trip to Europe and Thanksgiving).
My RE said he wanted to see me again when we decided to TTC, in order to start prescribing drugs. However, due to lots of research and life experience I've come to the conclusion that I'd like to remain as hormone-free as possible, both in my diet and in my TTC journey. I'd like to give this a shot naturally before I go there.
So one of my (many) queries to the ether is how long should we try before I make that appointment? I guess this month's chart will be my first clue and I'll answer my own question.
Last night DH and I had another little chat about this whole TTC journey and his hesitations and fears. He expressed concern that he can't seem to read how much I want this--to which I explained to him what I've said above--maybe after a few cycles of trying I may find that I have that deep yearning released again. But for now, I'm just comfortable and happy with the decision to move forward and give it a shot. I told him it was his call if he wanted to continue to try or not, but that I'm game if he's game.
So... we wait and we chart.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
VICTORY!!
The old skank whore finally decided to show her face... which is good because I wasn't sure if my boobs or my brain would explode first from their respective painful swelling/frustration.
It must've been the cookies that I had last night--apparently the magic recipe to make her appear is 2 gingerbread, 2 no-bake chocolate cookies, and 2 marshmallow holly wreaths.
So now I get to switch to my new BBT and start tracking! Yahoo!
It must've been the cookies that I had last night--apparently the magic recipe to make her appear is 2 gingerbread, 2 no-bake chocolate cookies, and 2 marshmallow holly wreaths.
So now I get to switch to my new BBT and start tracking! Yahoo!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
This is the cycle that will not end. Yes, it goes on and on my friends...
I think Provera is what messed me up. My cycles had been about 38 days for awhile now, but my RE wanted me to try Provera to induce a period during the litany of previous visits, but she'd always show up before I could get to it, so I did that in early October and now I'm stuck on a long cycle.
I didn't think it was possible to O on CD 47, but I started temping around CD 35 and entering them into FF, and I had a dip/spike around CD 47 that FF marked as my O day (but it was only dotted CH's, so who knows).
I had about 15 days of elevated temps after that, but they dropped over the weekend, so I'm sure AF will be soon to follow (my bb's hurt like a mofo), but to add to this massive amount of confusion, my temp was back up again today, but not as high as it was.
Seriously, this cycle has to end!
I didn't think it was possible to O on CD 47, but I started temping around CD 35 and entering them into FF, and I had a dip/spike around CD 47 that FF marked as my O day (but it was only dotted CH's, so who knows).
I had about 15 days of elevated temps after that, but they dropped over the weekend, so I'm sure AF will be soon to follow (my bb's hurt like a mofo), but to add to this massive amount of confusion, my temp was back up again today, but not as high as it was.
Seriously, this cycle has to end!
Monday, December 15, 2008
Dear AF,
Dear AF,
I baked cookies. Lots of cookies. Please come home for Christmas.
Love, Me
Seriously... it's CD 63 and I'm sooo ready for this beeotch to arrive. She no-showed for Thanksgiving, the least she could do would be to show me some love by Christmas...
I baked cookies. Lots of cookies. Please come home for Christmas.
Love, Me
Seriously... it's CD 63 and I'm sooo ready for this beeotch to arrive. She no-showed for Thanksgiving, the least she could do would be to show me some love by Christmas...
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Dearest Aunt Flo,
I'd like to cordially invite you to my Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. I know this seems like a last minute invitation, but really, I promise that you have been on my mind. It's not just that I'm ready to commence with the charting, obsessing and BD'd that I'm sure is to follow, but seriously? I've just become a hormonal, irrational bitch and I'm hoping that your speedy arrival is the case, not the fact that sometimes I'm just cranky and/or an awful person.
But back to the issue at hand--I'm making turkey and stuffing (I know how much you love carbs!) and I'm going to make an attempt to bake a chocolate and raspberry torte. Maybe I'll throw in a glass of wine and something super salty and we can call it a date, yes?
xoxo, Me, my vagina, and my DH's sanity
But back to the issue at hand--I'm making turkey and stuffing (I know how much you love carbs!) and I'm going to make an attempt to bake a chocolate and raspberry torte. Maybe I'll throw in a glass of wine and something super salty and we can call it a date, yes?
xoxo, Me, my vagina, and my DH's sanity
Monday, November 17, 2008
Was that a false start?
I was a little worried that I'd posted my TTC thoughts too soon--that DH would get cold feet. But I came home today and he was a little sad--one of his friends in NC called to say his wife is PG and he was a little jealous.
I know it's nothing compared to what girls with trouble TTC have gone through, but that little moment where he was sad was super cute and I think it made him further realize how much he wants this. Maybe we really are there.
I know it's nothing compared to what girls with trouble TTC have gone through, but that little moment where he was sad was super cute and I think it made him further realize how much he wants this. Maybe we really are there.
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