Last night I finally started a new pregnancy journal. I wanted this baby to have a record of it's own of our journey together, one separate from Jude's. It was weird to be writing about our reactions to finding out I am pregnant again and our first ultrasound so late after the fact, but I've got some entries planned for the near future to make up for lost time.
I had gone out journal shopping a few weeks ago and didn't find anything I liked, but then last night I remembered that someone had given me a journal after we lost Jude and had included with it these two sweet coins that said hope and love--I tied them to the ribbon bookmark in the center.
In a way, it felt like a lie to not mention Jude because their stories are so interconnected. Still, I felt it was important to start something new, to make it clear that this isn't a replacement baby or Jude 2.0. This life is indeed Baby #2, with it's own story.
Eventually I'll probably give this baby both journals, so I guess it doesn't really matter. I'm also still writing in Jude's journal fairly regularly, even though it's more for my continued healing at this point than for any other reason.
We also haven't decided when or how we'll share Jude's story with our child. But the good news is that we have a long time before we have to decide anything like that.
In the meantime, I'll just try to keep telling both of their stories.
Im so happy for you and your pregnancy! Your baby will really appreciate the journal one day.
ReplyDeleteI think it is so good that you've started a new journal for this new little person. And it will be so special to him/her to have those coins that were meant to remember Jude.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was about 10 I found a toy that was given to my parents for my brother before he was born. My mom kept it in their lock box for all of those years after he died. When I came across it, I felt so connected to him at that point. I never really knew a lot about him (neither did my parents technically since he was only 5 days old when he passed), but having something to remember him by, even though I'd never met him, meant something so special to me.
I still have that toy. It's just a small, plush rattle. But I still pull it out every once in awhile to hold to my heart and remember Dean.
I linked to you from somewhere -- and I want to tell you -- I think that you are amazing. I spent a few minutes reading your story, and you and your husband seem like courageous, amazing people, and you will be wonderful parents. Best of luck to you!
ReplyDeleteYou're beautiful. This post is beautiful. You make me cry all the time because of your strength and courage.
ReplyDeleteYou guys are too much. Too too much! Seriously. This is me just trying to work my schizz out! ;-)
ReplyDeleteI missed the big announcement so let me say this first... CONGRATS!! I am so happy for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm happy you were able to start a new journal. What a great gift to give your child some day.
Hi MSC! Just wanted to let you know that I awarded you on my blog! Hope you are doing well!!!
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