The things we tell ourselves

I've noticed that for the past few months, I keep telling myself that because of what I've been through that I'm going to be rewarded in some manner--like I'm going to have more normal cycles (so far I've had one 33 day cycle--the shortest that I've ever had in my life), I'm going to get pregnant easily and when I want to (no, we're not trying yet), and that everything is going to go smoothly.

See? I'm a positive person. I've always believed that good things happen around us every single day and while we all have to endure pain, we don't have to suffer. (Thanks dad for that gem!)

This past weekend I was chatting with my aunt and she began to speak passionately about the role that the laws of attraction play in her life. I never put much faith in this belief system, but now it irritates me to no end and I found myself unable to even engage in a discussion on the topic.

Yes, it is a good thing to focus on the positive.
Yes, it is a good thing to remove yourself from toxic situations, people and thoughts.
Yes, it is a good thing to say what you want, ask for help from others, and work towards what you want.

But do I honestly believe that the universe will respond to my desires or pull negativity toward me? Oh hell-to-the-no. And quite honestly, to believe otherwise is only the illusion of control--not control itself.

I was confident that my baby was a good egg. I was having a wonderful, symptom-free pregnancy and was sure that things would go smoothly, I'd have a great birth, and I wouldn't obsess over every little thing. I cruised through What to Expect When You're Expecting without a care in the world, understanding risks but without a single thought that something could go wrong. I knew that if I did what I was supposed to do and took care of myself, things would turn out okay.

But you know what I've learned? We don't get to control shit. And just because this happened to me once and I feel that I'm owed a perfect pregnancy again, I know that it's not up to me. When we try again, I'm going to be right in line with everyone else, spinning the wheel and hoping that this time we get a winner. And when you don't know what it's like to pick the winner and all you know is an unhappy ending, it's hard to imagine otherwise.

I mean, so far 100% of my pregnancies ended in death. While that may seem a tad overdramatic to some, it is indeed all that I know at this very moment. Hopefully that will be turned around at some point, but right now that's where I am and I've realized that it's completely out of my hands if/when I will be on the other side of this.

So that's it, universe. I give up. I know that I have no control over the how's/when's/why's in life.

I'm not saying this to be morbid or to say that I honestly believe that this will happen again. I'm just saying that I have a clear understanding that this is completely out of my hands.

I've been told by a handful of my friends that they think I'm brave, strong, etc. But really? Right now I'm just playing the cards I'm dealt--and it's not like I had a choice. My heart (while broken) kept beating. So that's what I do every day--I show up because I didn't die.

I think bravery is actually found in facing these odds and spinning the wheel anyway. While I'm not there yet, I know I'll be there someday.

Then I will make the rounds to collect your compliments. ;-)