I'm trying to figure out if this blog will remain private or not--I'm already running into issues with only being able to allow access to 100 people (plus some important people that I have no idea how to contact).
I have a feeling that once I get over having people that I know in real life read this that I'll make it public again. And when I do, please forgive me for having to give you access to get you here. And for those who didn't get access and are reading this after the fact--please forgive me. I'm just... I don't know. I'm not "all there" right now.
I have this quandry because I want to keep coming here and being honest but it's hard sometimes. You want to be able to put things in writing, release them and walk away--and it's hard when it follows you.
I feel like every time I share this story that a little piece of me goes with it. I feel like sometimes on the miscarriage/loss board that there are people watching and lurking who haven't experience loss, which makes me feel like I'm an animal in the zoo being watched and analyzed in my native habitat.
On the other hand, I know that this blog has helped people--I know this because I've been told so by lurker and anonymous commenters. They say they happened upon my blog by accident or that they found my blog through the message boards and that my story has helped them to cope with theirs.
These are the people I can't reach and give access to. And hopefully I won't just be talking about loss forever, but with any luck, they won't either. And then we'll be able to share our stories about moving on.
I'm just really sensitive right now and very emotional. I know that I'm not the best decision maker and sometimes I'm not even that great of a friend.
There have been days that I've not responded to emails because at the moment I didn't want to talk and then forgot to reply completely. There are friends of mine who have suffered loss as well and when they check in on me, I forget to ask about how they're doing. That's shitty. I know it. I hate it and all I can say is that I'm trying.
And then I tell myself that it's only been two months. Shit. Two months tomorrow.
Heck, I know people who weren't over breakups in two months--and the other person didn't die! So I guess expecting me to be over it and ready to deal with things like I used to is a bit much to ask, isn't it?
I'm still standing on my own two feet, so I guess that's good. But I just feel like bad things keep happening to the people that I love and I'm exhausted by it. I've led such a charmed life--why all of this at once?
Maybe once I get a grip on a few of these things, I'll be able to get a grip on the blog. Just hang in there and be patient and understanding with me please.
What you're doing is just fine. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. While you are feeling vulnerable, keep it private. When you feel a little better, maybe make it public. This is a very personal blog, and you obviously use it as a safe place to state your feelings and self reflect. Honestly, IMO (not that my opinion matters), I think one day you will be proud of these blogs (because they are very well written and very heartfelt), and you will WANT to share them with the world. Time. That is exactly what you need right now. Don't be hard on yourself while you are healing. <3 T&P.
ReplyDeleteI don't think there is any reason for being hard on yourself after all you have been through. If making it private is what you need right now, than that is the way it should be. If you think of it is this way, a blog is like your journal. If this was the old days and you had a journal, you would probably hide it under your mattress instead of leaving it wide open on the front stoop for all to look at, and that would be completely normal. Thinking of you...
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