Wasted

I feel like I've wasted the entire year of 2009. I've wasted the last year of my 20s.

I spent the first part of the year hanging out on the interwebs and counting down the days until I ovulated. I read, researched alternative treatments for long cycles, talked to my e-friends, and stalked Fertility Friend religiously. I avoided contact with friends and family because I pretty much couldn't think of anything else to talk about... And if I was in the 2ww, I had to hide out because I wasn't drinking.

Then the BFP came--a little more hiding before we told people, as well as counting down the days/weeks until I was out of first tri and "safe." Lots of reading and researching, shopping (but not buying), journaling, and carefully navigating and obeying all of the pregnancy "rules." Then counting down to the big ultrasound and being able to shop.

And now here I am--counting down the days again. But not just until I can try again, but until I feel better and every day doesn't hurt so goddamn much. Until the day that I can tell someone the news of what happened without crying. Until the day that I can put away my baby's mementoes and not instinctively reach for her photo in a folder on my headboard because I need to feel her near me or have a sudden desire to see her cute little button nose. Until I stop tearing up at my cube at work writing effing blogs!

To add to this, I feel ridiculously boring lately, which makes me feel like I'm wasting time again. I mean, I don't mope about or anything like that. I don't cry all of the time. I mean I have my moments, but generally I'm in an okay mood. I'm just not as talkative and have a hard time answering the question, "Hey--what's up?" Because really? I don't have much to say if you're expecting me to carry the conversation.

Weeks are flying by as I look forward to each weekend so that I can be with my husband. I go to work, come home, hang out or watch Grey's Anatomy... But nothing is really going on. It's so quiet.



P.S. - I've decided that Monday's the day. I woke up this morning and after hitting snooze once, thought about temping. It'll give me time to bring it up to DH over the weekend so he knows and isn't awakened to the beeping sound and caught offguard. So there. All decided.