What's next?

So I made it to 6 a.m. again--I consider that a good sign. The valium did help me fall asleep and stay asleep most of the night.

Last night after it kicked in, I suddenly had this frenzy to find some things of significance to take to the hospital, just in case I was suddenly overwhelmed with motherly abilities. I threw one of my receiving blankets from when I was a baby into the wash and I pulled out a rosary that my aunt made me for my confirmation that's made of heart shaped beads. I also scribbled in my baby journal for awhile (lord only knows why since I'm the only one who is going to read it now) and wrote out a laundry list of questions (god only knows if they're coherent) for the doctor.

And so here I am, sitting and waiting for this huge question mark of "What's gonna happen?" to reveal itself to me. I know people have gone through this before. I know that it shouldn't be as hard (physically) as full term labor, but I also know it's going to hurt, inside and out. And this labor that I'd longed for isn't going to happen.

It's a means to an end. I know that. And it has to happen. But it still feels like my heart's been ripped out and stomped on. The rug's been completely pulled out from under me and all of these hopes and dreams for what could be have been wiped out.

I know "what's left?" but what's next?

That I can't answer and it absolutely terrifies me.

I don't know if I'll be back before we leave (depends on if I have anything to say) but I'm going to go and spend some quiet time alone with my little love bug to say goodbye while it's just us. I don't think I can speak those words out loud with anyone else around.

Lots of love,
MSC

EDIT:
If there's one bright spot in this to be seen, it's that whenever I look at my dearest husband, I smile. I truly do love that man with all of my heart and I'm so grateful to have him and this wonderful life we have together. (Yes, I do believe that my life is generally wonderful, despite what's happening right now.)

He might not be able to be my rock right now, but he somehow is still exactly what I need. We take care of each other in this amazing, almost completely intuitive way that has made this more bearable. I'm so overwhelmed with gratitude for him that sometimes I almost think it's selfish to ask for anything more.

Audrey Hepburn said it best... "The best thing in life to hold on to is each other."