More love than we know what to do with

As always, go ahead and hit play... I was recently re-introduced to this song and keep singing it in my head.

Dear Lilly,

Every morning when I hear your little squeaks on the monitor, I can't help but smile to myself as I roll over in the covers, knowing that shortly I'll be seeing your sweet little face, melting my heart completely and washing away any semblance of exhaustion.


You are so magical in the morning! I love your little gasp when you hear me open the door, how you lay there ultra still as I sing you your good morning song, how you break into uncontrollable smiles and wiggles when our eyes meet over the edge of your crib. These are moments that I wish you would be able to remember, but I know I will never forget.


Last night when we returned from my mom's house I carried your tired little body upstairs and my eyes welled up with tears. I remember my dad carrying me to bed after staying late at Grandma and Grandpas--and I can't believe that this little person in my arms is really my daughter and I'm really carrying your amazing little self to your bed. The idea that I make you feel as safe and loved as my parents did back then is almost too much love for me handle.

It's an interesting thing, becoming a parent. Sometimes I just want to call my mom up and ask her how she did it--how she handled us growing up, growing apart, and sometimes us not being all that nice to her. Sure, we have a great relationship now but the teenage years alone were riddled with trying times. I can't imagine how hard that is on a parent when it all starts out with this pure, unapologetic outpouring of love. I hope you never treat me how I've probably treated my parents from time to time. I'm not sure my heart could take it.


We've had some very important conversations lately and while you don't know what I'm saying just yet, I hope someday you'll understand what I've told you:

I love you so simply, so completely, and so endlessly. I will love you until there is no more breath in my body. I will love you even when you are not as perfect as you are now and even when you don't like or love me that much at all. You've always been more than I could ever ask or hope for and I am so, so grateful to you for making me a true momma.


XOXO

Lillian's birth story, unedited

Well, the short version of this birth story would be that I wanted a natural childbirth and I got it... And it was the craziest, most amazing experience of my life. But for posterity's sake (and for those considering natural childbirth who are nuts like me and want to read every.single.detail) I present to you The Longest Birth Story Ever Told.

I mean, considering it took 28+ hours to take place, it's not like one could really do a Reader's Digest version anyway, right? ;-)

The week before my due date, I started having contractions after work each night, exactly at 5:00. They were 5 minutes apart, but would taper off after I'd lay down for the evening. I had them throughout the day (usually whenever I was walking) but I thought it was funny how they would become timeable right at 5:00 on the dot. I'm not exactly known for being punctual!

That Friday, the same thing happened after work. We went to my sister's for dinner and started to watch the documentary "Babies" but they didn't go away. In fact, sometimes they were only 3 minutes apart.

Around 10 p.m., I went to shift my legs on the couch and felt a small gush. I went to the bathroom to determine if it was my water breaking or if Lillian had stepped on my bladder. As I walked around, I continued to leak so I knew it was my water.

I told my sisters that I thought my water had broken. They stared at me in disbelief as I tried to talk out what had just happened and convince myself this was for real. I told them that I was going home to get some rest (I had worked all day and even took a 2 mile walk with my boss at lunch). They were surprised and very excited, but I made them promise not to tell anyone since I wanted to labor at home (in peace and quiet) for as long as possible. Something told me this was going to be a long road.

I tried to stay calm as I drove the few blocks home and told DH what happened. We finished packing our hospital bags and in a panic, called my sister to ask her to pick up some real fruit popsicles to take with me to the hospital--the one item I hadn't purchased yet. I crawled into bed while DH waited for my sister to arrive with the goodies.

We used our Hypnobabies CDs (borrowed from my dear friend Boxie) to fall asleep. I would still wake up every 3-7 minutes when a contraction would start, open one eye to look at the clock, and fall back asleep. I also used this time to practice the relaxation techniques I'd worked on in our Bradley class.

Around 7 a.m. I finally called the midwife to let her know I was in labor. I wasn't thrilled that the on-call MW, Molly, was one that I had never met before but she turned out to be pretty awesome. She said I could go to the hospital, but I explained to her that I would prefer to stay home and we made a plan to check in every few hours.

I made us breakfast (Yes--I am insane) of bacon, eggs, and toast. I labored at home for awhile, listening to Hypnobabies CD's over and over again, trying different positions around the house, bouncing on the birthing ball, etc. The only position that didn't work for me was on all 4's--it was incredibly uncomfortable.

I also discovered that labor was messing with my senses--if there was background noise, something moving, etc. it would make the contraction much harder to deal with.

Also, I found myself focusing on breathing slowly and deeply, imagining that my breath was pulling the power out of the contraction and out through my head. It helped me to concentrate on the contraction losing it's power after the peak and made the spaces between contractions seem a little longer.

We went on 2 long walks--but our neighborhood is pretty hilly so we would drive to the local towpath to walk there. I would have a contraction in the house, then walk out to the car and have one in it, drive the few blocks to the towpath, have another, then get out of the car to walk. What a sight we must've been to the other people walking and riding on the path! We held hands and talked, admired the changing colors on the trees, and how excited we were to meet our little Tigerlily. When a contraction would come on, I would stop, close my eyes, deep breathe, rock my hips, and after it subsided, we'd keep walking and resume our conversation. It was a very special time we spent together and I can't drive past that park without smiling.

DH made us grilled cheese for lunch, but I didn't have much of an appetite. I kept drinking as much water as I could to stay hydrated and even managed to take a few quick naps. My contractions were getting progressively stronger, but were also spacing out a bit.

Every few hours I would take my temperature and call the midwife to check in. Around 5:30 p.m. the midwife finally advised that we head to the hospital. I was laboring in the rocking chair and my legs had started to shake, so I agreed to go. I needed someone to tell me that I was making progress and that she would be on her way soon.

When we arrived at the hospital, the doctor had to check me with a speculum. When he looked, he said that my water was bulging and that I was at least dilated to a 4. He asked DH if he wanted to see and he jumped at the opportunity. I laughed and asked him if he was sure he wanted to see that and he said that he did, but asked if it was alright with me. I agreed and he marveled at how crazy it was to see.

The doctor then checked internally and it turns out that I was at a 6, which was good news--he just hadn't been able to see my whole cervix before. They then checked me into my room around 7:00, put in my heplock (I didn't want an IV so that I could stay mobile) and did some monitoring. That was tough because they wanted me to lay back and strap on the monitors which was unbelievably painful during contractions.

Our midwife arrived and got them to agree to monitoring 1 contraction every 15 minutes, which was tough too. I finally had to ask them to just let me hold the monitor in place instead of strapping them onto me. I could tell that Molly had to argue with the hospital a bit and one of our nurses was being a bit of a bitch about it, but I was too far into labor and concentrating to really deal with her or worry much about it. I'm just glad Molly was able to go to bat for me.

At this point, time became a bit of a blur. We listened to my birthing playlist--mostly soft Beatles music. We spent some time in the birthing tub from around 8:30-9:30, which was a nice distraction. However, it wasn't a whole lot of relief because it made my acid reflux so much worse with my belly floating up higher. Eventually they offered me some Pepcid through my heplock and I conceded. I felt bad--I'd gone through my entire pregnancy just using Tums/Rolaids/papaya enzyme tablets that I wish I could have made it the rest of the way... and the stupid Pepcid didn't help anyway!



I got out of the tub and spent a long time laboring in bed--sitting indian style and just doing my best to relax and give into labor. I was tired, uncomfortable and just wishing I could make more progress. Molly checked me and I'd progressed to a 7, but not much more. Around 11:00 I asked about breaking my water since apparently the "break" I had the night before was either a high leak or had resealed itself.

Molly was wonderful--she said she would suggest breaking my water, but wasn't going to push it because it wasn't in my birth plan. She said that from where Lilly's head was and how much my water was bulging that it was probably preventing her head from pressing on my cervix enough to dilate it fully.

I hadn't wanted any interventions, but something was telling me that this was a smart decision to go ahead and do it. I'd already been laboring for over 24 hours and the hospital was already nervous about me and I wanted things to start moving. However, breaking my water fully was going to make contractions even worse, so I wanted to take a break first to rest up.

I tried to make myself as comfortable as possible (lord only knows how this is possible on the verge of transition). My legs kept shaking mercilessly. I was scared of having my water broken, so I just wanted them to do it quickly. At 11:30 I remember looking at the clock, disappointed that I wasn't going to deliver on my due date (and John Lennon's birthday) but thinking to myself that 10/10/10 was a pretty good consolation prize. I also remember thinking of the clock as a pie chart--I'd already come so far--it couldn't be much longer.

After they broke my water, fluid kept gushing and gushing out. They couldn't believe how much fluid kept coming out of me (delicious, eh?) I sat on the edge of the hospital bed and with each contraction, more would flow and they'd have to change the pads underneath me again. The contractions were more intense and Lilly's every movement more uncomfortable. I had progressed to a 7/8, but not quite an 8.

Molly had me change positions to the midwife position to get Lilly more centered in my pelvis. This was incredibly uncomfortable, but I could tell it was working. Shortly afterwards I was a full 8.

Nothing could have prepared me for full-on transitioning. I totally, 100% understand why people get epidurals--you reach a point where you will do anything to derail that crazy train and make the pain (and the fear, exhaustion, etc) stop.



It takes you to a point where you hit this crazy, impossible wall and you're in this dark standoff with your own body--and letting go at that point and letting your body to take over is the hardest, scariest thing in the world to do. But then you do--and your body responds and you're on your way.

My body completely convulsed with each contraction. I laid on my side, holding the bedrails (trying my hardest not to clutch them for dear life--I didn't want to tense up) and just kept telling my DH over and over that I didn't want to do it, I couldn't do it, make it stop, that I just wanted it all to be over. I never let myself say the word epidural because I knew they'd give me one if I said it.

I kept envisioning the relief of someone running into the room at full speed, stabbing me in the back with an epidural, or wheeling me out of the room and cutting her out of me--anything to make it stop. It's not that it's so painful you can't take it--it's really just an extreme discomfort that you feel like will never.effing.end. (Newsflash: it does! ;-)

But this is what they meant when they talk about giving into labor. I was fighting the convulsions to relax enough to let labor progress. I know this probably doesn't make much sense, but it's what it felt like to me.

I also got a little panicky and when Molly left the room, I had to have DH go and get her and when she got there, I couldn't explain to her why I needed her there. I just did.

Finally I was able to calm down enough for a few contractions that I didn't convulse and suddenly I felt her move down. I couldn't help but shout, "I've gotta POOOOOOOP!" (Yes, we still laugh about that to this day.) Molly laughed and said that was good--and when I felt like pushing to go ahead and bear down a little. She said that when I started making grunting noises that she'd know I was ready to really push. A few contractions later, the grunting started! It was hilarious because it sounded just like she described and just happened naturally.

At 1:28 a.m. I was a full 10 (I kept insisting, "This one goes to eleven!" ala This Is Spinal Tap) and kept pushing as they got the room ready.

When they had broken my water earlier, there was meconium in the fluid, so the NICU team had to be there. Molly explained to us that this meant DH couldn't catch the baby as we'd hoped, but if she came out screaming we could still do skin to skin and delay cord cutting, but if she didn't scream she'd get whisked away by the NICU team to check her out.

When the NICU team arrived as I was pushing, all I could think of was that I didn't want them to take my baby away. They introduced themselves and from my pushing position on the bed I moaned, "I'm MSC... I brought candy!" and pointed to the bag of candy that I'd brought to bribe the nurses into being nice to me. LOL

The contractions kept coming and I kept pushing. Pushing was the most amazing, exhilarating thing ever. Once I was able to let go, let my body and contractions take over, etc--she came out like a champ. The ring of fire was NOTHING at all to me--in fact, they said for a few contractions that I was one push from getting her out, but the contraction was ending, so I just let her go back in. I kept telling myself that stretching like that would help me to prevent tearing as bad. In fact, I think DH, the nurses and Molly were more disappointed than I was when she didn't come out during these contractions!

At one point they asked me if I wanted to feel her head, so I reached down and was shocked to find that it felt nothing like a head at all! It was this crazy, wrinkly ball of mush. Ick! It was more confusing than motivating, but I'm glad I did it anyway.

I was having some problems with the final pushes because on one side they had my foot and on the other they were holding my leg, so I didn't feel like I had good leverage on that side, but I was afraid of being rude and barking orders for them to grab my foot (labor insanity, anyone?) Finally someone grabbed my foot and the next thing I knew I was screaming this crazy, primal, exhilarating scream and she was crowning.

But that final push at 1:53 a.m., the feeling of relief as she came out, the look on her face when she came out, screamed, and then just started looking around at all of us like "WTF, how did I end up here?!" (She is MY kid, after all... She apparently says WTF right off the bat, LOL)... It was amazing!



And then they put that warm, slippery little body on my chest and I was just so overwhelmed--I wish I could remember my first words to her, but we weren't allowed to videotape. I have a feeling it was something along the lines of, "Oh my god! Hi! HIIII!!!"



She looked right at us as we held her--calmly, contemplative. It was magical. She was so sweet and alert.

While we visited with her, I delivered the placenta (which in comparison to a 8 lb, 11.4 oz and 21" baby, felt like a warm massage) and got stitched up. I had 2 1st degree tears and a "nick," which didn't hurt much at all (yes, I took the numbing shot--I'm not a total freak! ...okay, nevermind. I stand corrected!) And then we let in my mom and stepdad who had been waiting in the waiting room (patiently, with no idea that I'd just delivered). We all sat around and smiled, marveling at her size and beauty as she was weighed and checked in the room.

Finally I breastfed her (screaming, "OW OW OW!") and then she was off to the nursery for her bath while we got checked into our post partum room. A few hours later she was brought to our room for our real adventure to begin.

There were so many times that I wanted to stop--to make the pain go away. But I wanted this to be our first gift to her and I'm so glad that I did. She was so alert, quickly latched and nursed like a pro, and just overall thrived from the get-go.

And surprisingly, I felt like a champ! Honestly, I felt like I could have gotten up and drove home that night. My only real pain was in my tailbone and at first we were a little concerned that she had chipped it, but it turns out it was just sore from her essentially using it like a slide to get on outta there. But some ice packs and I was 100% better in about 2 days.

In the end, I think the key for me was reading about a TON of relaxation techniques, practicing them, and then mentally filing them away for potential use. Some things worked in labor, some absolutely didn't. I read a ton of labor stories to hear what other people did, understand their thought processes, and just know that it would not kill me. Also practicing the techniques in early labor helped me to be more prepared and refine what worked before things got rough.

I have to say that going naturally was one of the craziest, most challenging things I've ever done in my life. It's funny--when people find out you want or had a natural childbirth, they're so quick to tell you that they don't give out medals for not having pain meds. Honestly, if I was looking for a medal I would have pursued another endeavor! This was about finally having my turn to deliver a child the way I wanted to for my entire life. It was about testing my physical and mental limits for myself. It was about facing those dark moments in transitioning and still wanting to push forward and give into this physiological process. This was about being able to give this gift to my daughter because both of our health allowed it. It was about all 3 of us, having the most intense, exhilarating, bonding experience possible. That's what I carry with me and that's what I'm proud of.

Welcome to the world, Miss Lillian. I'm so glad you're here! XOXO, Mummy

Playing catch-up

*waves*

Oh hai! I'm the bad blogger who disappeared into mommydom. I continue to mentally write blog posts--witty, informative posts filled with all of my newfound, bountiful wisdom... and then promptly forget them.

So here I am with a few minutes to myself, so I'm going to try to throw together a halfway coherent post to let you know how things are going.

First, the behbeh... She is magical. She eats and sleeps like a champ. We go 3 1/2 hour stretches at night, eat/change dipe, and we're right back to bed. LOVE LOVE LOVE that! And hello? She's hella cute!



However, the one thing I was NOT prepared for was how challenging breastfeeding would be. I took a class before I gave birth that came highly recommended, so I felt pretty prepared and determined... And then my LO arrived with a voracious hunger and vampire-like sucking ability.

The lactation consultants in the hospital were less than helpful (one was downright condescending) so the day after we got home from the hospital, I marched myself (okay, technically DH drove) to the local breastfeeding center where I took my class for some assistance. That plus some YouTube'ing of BF'ing videos and we were back in business--greatly improved, but still painful.

Tonight a friend suggested that I look into a nipple shield to help me out while things are healing up and after seeking further advice from some very helpful friends, I was on my merry little way to Target and returned home with the shield in hand and proceeded to finally have a pain-free feeding. WOOT!

Anyway, let's round out the Mah Belleh Fridays with a final Mah Belleh report...



How far along? Lilly is 2 weeks, 5 days old. By the time I left the hospital, I was down about 14 lbs and probably looked like I did when I was 25-28 weeks pregnant. Within a few days (wearing my beloved Bella Bands and doing the abdomen massage my sister suggested) it has continued to flatten out. I'm actually very pleased with how everything's going back to normal. I'm down about 23 lbs now, with about 10 to go.

Stretch marks? OMG, you guys--none! I'm still waiting for something to appear but so far, so good. Still giving mad props to my Burt's Bees Mama Bee Belly Balm--and I'm still using it. My skin is actually snapping back nicely.

Sleep: 3 1/2 hour stretches, usually from 9 p.m. to 9 a.m. Whoohoo!

Best moment this week: Coming home from Target with my nipple shield and having a pain-free nursing... You have no idea!

Movement: I thought I would miss being pregnant, but having her on the outside immediately erased those thoughts. I don't even think about it because I still feel very much connected to her.

Food commentary: Pardon my voracious breastfeeding hunger. It is so out of control, it's sort of embarrassing, but I'm still losing weight so whatever! I will enjoy this while it lasts.

Labor Signs: I actually didn't have many labor signs. I had Braxton Hicks every night (they'd be 5 minutes apart) and then one night BAM--Water broke!

Belly Button in or out? Mine never really popped out much, it just had a little lip that jutted forward. It's back in, but shall we say... sort of "cavernous"? It's shrinking up, though.

What I miss: Nothing actually. My heart's never been so full.

What I am looking forward to: Every day that I get to stay home with this little bugger. Did I mention that she's magical.

Weekly Wisdom: Make good friends with a wonderful, supportive, smart mommy community. I cannot say THANK YOU loud enough or often enough for all of the insight, support, and love we've been given.

Weekly WTF: WTF breastfeeding? Why do you have to be so painful!? Isn't this supposed to be some beautiful, natural experience? I'm sticking with it, but dang! Can't a girl catch a break?

Nesting madness: We are all nestled in and happy as clams.

Milestones: My baby is up over her birth weight again! We went to the pediatrician's on Monday and she was 9 lbs and measuring in the 90th percentile for height, weight and head circumference. Go Lilly!!

I have written this post a million times in both my head and my heart

And here I am to finally say it--She's here. My baby girl is here!


And there she is, my friends--my 10/10/10 baby (shocking, eh?) All 8 lbs, 11.4 oz and 21 inches of her. And yes, there were 28+ hours of natural labor involved... All totally worth it for my little snuggle bunny.



I'll post a full birth story later, but I felt like I was being totally blog-neglectful by not letting you know that she's here. The past 9 days have been the most glorious, heartwarming experience ever. She eats like a champ, sleeps pretty well, and makes my heart explode with pegasus unicorns and rainbows every time I look at her.

So there we are--one big happy family at last.


XOXO

We've come a long way, baby!

Tomorrow is my due date. I am due with a baby tomorrow. Today is October 8th and tomorrow is the 9th. My pregnancy ticker says I have one day left and my little monster icon has crawled past all of the flying bats and into the creepy tree with the sunset behind it.

No matter how I say it or try to visualize it, it's still very surreal. I guess my continued denial is still a very powerful thing--which is good because I could still be looking at being pregnant for, oh, the next two weeks or so. I have my next midwife appointment on Tuesday and if I haven't had a baby yet, we'll schedule an ultrasound and NST for the next week when I'm 41w. If the testing comes back fine (and continues to) they'd let me go to 42 weeks (maybe +2 days?)

Yes, I'm still at work. Yes, (for the most part) I feel pretty good. No, I'm not terribly anxious or afraid. Just disbelief... Lots and lots of disbelief.

How far along? 39w6d!!

Stretch marks? I have looked and looked, lifted my bump, looked underneath. Every time I *think* I may see one, I can't find it again later or discover it's just a vein. Curious to see if I'll have any "aftershock" stretch marks" or ones that I just can't see yet.

Sleep: Earlier this week was rough. Lilly dropped on Sunday, which sent my hips into a tailspin Monday/Tuesday--but it's gotten better. DH had a hard time sleeping a few nights because I was moaning in my sleep. Oh well--payback for his snoring, eh? Last night I slept well and he said I barely moaned, just a few sighs. Whee!

Best moment this week: DH and I went on a date, held hands and everything. I couldn't help but keep the receipt from the restaurant in case I went into labor that night that I'd have a record of our last meal together before baby. ;-)

Movement: She's slowing down a bit as she's running out of room, which I hate. I like all of the pushes and rolls and it freaks me out if she's quiet for a little while. I'm just so used to her being a bundle of activity and constantly throwing a foot to my left side and watching the foot bump roll around. Hilarious!

Food commentary: Since she dropped, my appetite has been back a bit. I'm more "snacky" than I've been in awhile and since I hadn't gained weight in a few weeks, decided to enjoy it.

Labor Signs: No such luck. I have BH contractions throughout the day and by 5:00 p.m., they're usually 5 minutes apart. Once I lay down for the night--WHAM! Gone. I have not decided if I'm willing to discuss my cervix or mucous plug on here, but suffice to say neither have made significant progress.

Belly Button in or out? AACK! There is a little lip that pokes out sometimes, depending on what position she is in! ICKY!

What I miss: Everyone not looking at me like I'm a walking time bomb.

What I am looking forward to: People not looking at me like I'm a walking time bomb.

Weekly Wisdom: Um... I've got nothing. I'm not that smart, apparently.

Weekly WTF: WTF, due date? HOW ARE YOU HERE?!!

Nesting madness: Oh yeah! Last weekend DH decided to tear apart our bathroom! We had planned on remodeling it earlier this year, but other house issues got in the way, so he decided to suddenly do a "quick refresh." Some spackling, paint, new vanity, hardware and accessories later... We've got a refreshed bathroom! ($5 says he paints our other bathroom this weekend, he is a nesting fool!)

Milestones: MY DUE DATE!!!!!!!!

Wherein you *TRY* not to think of a jack-o-lantern...

Hey lookie lookie! I did my hair and wore my most seasonally festive sweater that I own... just for you! ;-)


Actually, after seeing that last series of photos, I realized how lazy and tired I looked with my hair pulled back, so I've been making more of an effort to get up on time and do my hair instead of sleeping in and just letting it air dry on the way to work... And I'm not going to lie, it actually makes me feel less tired throughout the day.

So anyway, I know it isn't Friday, but since I've been remiss lately and we're approaching the end, I didn't want to miss out on another week of surveys/photos. So here goes!

How far along? *rubs eyes, shakes head* 38w2d... really?!

Stretch marks? Still none... can you effing believe it?

Sleep: Still sleeping better than I thought I would be. I'm up every 2-3 hours to pee, but I usually fall right back asleep. That's about when I'd need to roll over and take some more papaya for my heartburn/acid reflux, so it just makes sense to hit all 3 markers before trying to fall back asleep.

Best moment this week: DH reading his favorite childhood book to her with his head in my lap. My heart about burst with rainbows.

Movement: I still love movement--all of it. The hiccups, the kicks, scratches, and wiggles. It's all pretty great. However, I think I tore something around my belly button last week--I was talking to DH and sneezed and I swear I felt my stomach muscles rip right in the middle. It burns and hurts pretty bad, but is slowly getting better.

Food commentary: Somehow I ate like total crap this weekend and gained no weight. This is not good for my motivation. I've been trying to still keep eating really well (forcing down veggies, limiting sugars) but I'm getting tired of being a good girl.

Labor Signs: None. When I don't drink enough water, I get hella bad Braxton Hicks that don't go away.

Belly Button in or out? Still in, but stretched to capacity. She hasn't put her head towards the back just yet, so there's nothing really putting pressure on it to push forward, but it's just so, so stretched!

What I miss: I'm not really freaking out about missing anything. I like how things are right now--I can still move around, we're in the home stretch, and I'm enjoying our last tidbits of peace and quiet with it being just me and DH... We've waited a long time for this, so in the grand scheme of things the next few weeks/month are no big deal. She'll be here soon enough!

What I am looking forward to: Oktoberfest beers, sleeping on my back, getting off of the couch/out of bed/out of the car within a reasonable timeframe... but really--none of these are that big of a deal to me.

Weekly Wisdom: If I can quote my borrowed Hypnobabies pregnancy affirmations CD, "Babies are born on their birth days, not when doctors say they will be born." I mean, unless there's a scheduled C/S, she's going to show up on the date that she's ready to show up. I'm sure in a few weeks I'll start doing the old wives tales to move things along (I mean, I need to keep myself entertained somehow, right?) but still--she's going to arrive when she feels like it. And if you've ever met me (or anyone else in my family) you should be well aware that this will NOT be on time. ;-)

Weekly WTF: WTF October? How are you right around the corner??

Nesting madness: Miss Lilly's room is all ready for her, but I'm still trying to get the house in order. It seems like whenever I get one room under control, another spirals out of control. Oh well--I'd imagine this will be an uphill battle for awhile.

Milestones: Dude... 38 weeks? I've started to get some "you're about to pop!" comments... Guess I should get used to that for the next few weeks, eh?

Wherein I delight you with mah amazing growing belleh (and finally change my shirt)

So I've been remiss in writing. Again.

I'd make some valiant, dramatic promise to never let a few weeks lapse, but I think we'd both know it's a dirty lie. You know me better than that.

So anyway--here's where we left off (and apparently the precise point when I decided to give up on actually doing my hair).
33w6d


And then the day I was finally arrested for cardigan abuse...
34w6d


And finally Ohio decided to cool off a little bit, so I pulled out one of the three sweaters that fit me (This is actually a Limited Too size 14 sweater dress... judge all you want, it's comfortable even though I look like a walking blob of chewed up Bubbalicious.
35w6d



How far along? 35w6d

Stretch marks? *whispers* No. I'm hiding from them. I mean, I know they'll find me soon, but I'm going to hide out as long as possible.

Sleep: Well, I'm up to pee about 3 times a night now (had been doing well with 1-2 lately). At 4:305:00 I wake up with crazy thirst, then acid reflux, and can't fall back asleep until 20 minutes before my alarm goes off. Oh and my hips crack like they're breaking in half when I roll over to get out of bed. Despite all of that, I'm doing pretty well--and I mean that! Once I'm up and moving, I'm fine.

Best moment this week: I think she's head down again. Just need to confirm on Tuesday at my MW appointment and then I can start trying to move her posterior because this little lady is sunny side up right now!

Movement:

Food commentary: I'm struggling. All I want are waffle fries and ranch dressing and my chicka-cherry-colas. That's it. I'm still eating other things, but they're not what I want.

Labor Signs: Since last Thursday, I suddenly became one big Braxton Hicks contraction. I feel like it's pretty much 24/7. It doesn't hurt, it just feels weird and tight. Hopefully I'll get used to it. I'm using them as an opportunity to practice my relaxation and belly breathing.

Belly Button in or out? Still in! Oh for the love of god, I hope it stays in because honestly, outies gross me the F out.

What I miss: Have I mentioned lately how much I miss sleeping on my back lately? OOOOH! I cannot wait!!

What I am looking forward to: We're finally getting carpeting today, so I get to work on the baby's room all weekend and then get my house back to normal! I AM SO EFFING EXCITED, it's been a state of chaos since like May!

Weekly Wisdom: I took a really great breastfeeding class the other night at a local breastfeeding center. While it's not wisdom to share since I don't have any actual experience in it yet, it made me feel good, supported, and a little bit more prepared for actually feeding my child when they arrive into the world.

Weekly WTF: WTF, time? Why are you going so fast? I'm really going to miss having my little belly buddy around, keeping me entertained with her pushes, punches, and hiccups. Is it wrong that I kinda like being pregnant? I mean, I'm ready for a break (been pregnant 57 of the last 73 weeks or so) but overall pregnancy has been pretty good to me.

Nesting madness: Dude, did you see what I'm looking forward to??

Milestones: Some dr's/hospitals consider 36w full term. I think it's a milestone to hit the point where people won't freak out if you happen to go into labor. And yesterday was Sep 9--one month from my EDD!!

Where there is darkness, only light and where there's sadness, ever joy.

I gave up on religion a long time ago.

I know it raises eyebrows to so openly declare oneself an agnostic heathen, but well... Here I am world, in all my glory!

But after the 9 years of Catholic school (and a nice handful of years after that spent sporadically attending church) I still find many of the traditions of the church comforting. Hence, why I think as we hit the anniversary of saying goodbye to our baby Jude (yet another contradiction, naming her after the patron saint of lost causes), I found myself humming the prayer of St. Francis today.

Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there's despair in life, let me bring hope.
Where there is darkness, only light.
And where there's sadness, ever joy.

But unfortunately (and not surprisingly) there's been some despair, darkness, and sadness in our house lately.

The anniversary has brought every memory--good and bad--rushing back to us. And while today is better/a little more peaceful than the past two days have been, we're still just muddling through it, side by side.

I had my meltdown Wednesday night because Miss Lilly has apparently decided it's a good idea to go transverse instead of just your average stubborn breech. So I started to worry about the possibility that she may decide to stay in the one position that can't be fixed... and it made me so upset! I've already been forced to give everything up before--my baby, my dreams for her, the birth experience I'd always wanted... and here I still might not have it all. Honestly, it was the possibility of getting do things "my way" next time that carried me through my first labor & delivery experience. This was supposed to be my reward.

Which got me thinking about Jude's birth... I've tried to reread her birth story a few times this week, but I just can't get through it. It's like reading my own words makes the experience too real to me again. Every time I read some nuance that I had forgotten about, it just breaks my heart all over.

So then the tears came--ugly, helpless tears that lasted for hours. I went through all of the cards we received, reread my pregnancy journal, looked at her photos, held her little dress and blanket, and just cried.

...grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul.

And speaking of love... My poor love is still so heartbroken over the loss of his little girl. I don't feel comfortable sharing the details of his grief here without his permission, but suffice it to say that he is still very hurt and misses her very much.

So last night we decided to go out on a date. The weather was beautiful so we went to one of our favorite patio restaurants and then the usual married couple voyage to Home Depot (romantic, yes?) It was nice to get out of the house, enjoy some fresh air (that's not 90 billion degrees) and just be together.

While we're not all of the way through this, I feel like we're headed in the right direction. I think we both felt a little more peaceful this morning and heading into the weekend, plan on just sticking together and licking our wounds a bit.

And if you're not familiar with the hymnal version of the Prayer of St. Francis, I'll post it here for you. I went ahead and picked a secular version of it, in an attempt to not offend with my heathen-ness.

For the love of god and everything holy--change your shirt, Charlie Brown!

So apparently I not only need to stop wearing the same outfit on every single Friday, I also owe you some klassy work bathroom photos and an update. ;-)

30w6d...


32w6d...


How far along? 32w6d

Stretch marks? Nope, none. Thank jeebus, genetics, and Burt's Bee's Mama Bee Belly Balm. But I'm sure they'll arrive eventually.

Sleep: My borrowed Hypnobabies CD's have me out like a light in about 5 minutes, but I keep waking up around 2-3 a.m. Oh well.

Best moment this week: Watching this little monster move around like she's trying to climb out through my belly button

Movement:

Food commentary: Mmm... Cherry Coke!

Labor Signs: None whatsoever.

Belly Button in or out? Each week it gets more and more shallow. I am not looking forward to the day that it pops like a turkey. That always grossed me out to see on people. Can I stuff it back in and close up shop with a Band-Aid or something?

What I miss: Sleeping on my back, like a flipped turtle.

What I am looking forward to: Shower #2 is tomorrow! WHOOHOO!

Weekly Wisdom: Friends don't admit to friends that they're waddling. Try as I might to fight it, the waddle is creeping in this week. And every time I start to, a little bit of the pageant girl inside me starts to die. ;-)

Weekly WTF: WTF carpet stores! Why are you soooo expensive and why does it take sooo long to order/install?!

Nesting madness: The nursery has WALLS and they look glorious! DH also primed the room, painted the ceiling, and installed the ceiling fan. Sure it's not as pretty as a chandelier, but it's more practical and can help prevent SIDS. Tonight we're painting the walls!

Milestones: We finished our Bradley birthing classes last night! WHOOHOO!

The simplest terms, most convenient definitions

I know it's been awhile. I'm sorry--I've been busy (with all good things, though!) and blog-neglectful.

I've started to mentally write this post a handful of times, but most often I just find myself thinking the subject line to myself--a line from one of my favorite movies.

You see us as you want to see us--in the simplest terms, the most convenient definintions.

It's funny--now that my pregnancy is pretty obvious, I've been getting a lot more comments and questions from strangers. Luckily, they've all been kind and well-meaning, so I'm not going to rant about people saying I look huge or unsolicited advice... But so often I find myself completely lying to them in response.

They ask if this is my first baby and I smile and nod while they gush about how excited we must be (and we are!). I listen to them tell me what it's like to hold your baby for the first time and the overwhelming feelings of love that you have like I don't know. I listen to their birth stories like I've never had a contraction or ever pulled my own legs back and push. I listen to my classmate in our Bradley birthing class express her fears of how she heard that an epidural can lower your blood pressure if you have existing low blood pressure--and I sit there, unable to tell her that with my epidural I sent alarms off all night and if they would have been concerned for the safety of my child at all, they would have totally carted me off to the operating room. But instead I say nothing, my heart and head burning with my lie of omission.

It's just easier than explaining what we've been through--and I know that it's the simple answer that people want to hear. And in a way, I want them to keep believing to the best of their ability that babies don't die. I wish I wasn't the girl whose baby died. I don't want their fears or their pity because neither of these things will make my heart hurt less or change what happened.

The simplest terms, most convenient definitions.

We are excited, we are grateful, and we love this little girl growing inside me to bits and pieces... But our hearts are still broken for our little girl who didn't make it.

We're creeping up on a year here, which is almost surreal to think about. But every time I see August 26th or 29th on something--the expiration date on a gallon of milk, my husband's oil change reminder, etc. I feel a sick to my stomach. August 26th, the day everything went to shit/August 29th, the day we said goodbye...

I've carved out that weekend as my own quiet time--we have no plans and no expectations, so we'll just play it by ear. The good news is that it will be better than the same day last year... but honestly, it won't take much to improve upon that.

So that's where I'm at right now, amidst all of the fabulous, generous showers and happiness. A (supposedly) glowing pregnant lady with a sad little secret...