Wherein I brag because I'm excited as fvck

Last night we booked a trip to Turks and Caicos! SQUEEE!!

We've been watching travel deals for a while and finally found a bargain for this fall. After much debate and hand-wringing we decided to leave Lillypants at home with her Auntie that she adores. I think she'll be fine with her normal routine and we'll benefit from some mommy & daddy alone time.

I'm still sort of in shock/disbelief, but I'm so.freaking.excited!

Against all odds...

I'm having the best weekend ever.

We've been biking and playing, watching movies, sitting in front of bonfires, drinking wine, going to up to the lake, etc. And Friday I had a blast with some great girlfriends at a local winery.

Really. It's way better than I anticipated. While I haven't been 100% unplugged, I've kept my internet time to a minimum and my focus on my family. It's been work to fit everything in, but it's been incredible.

And as I type this, DH is out buying me some lime Tostitos (no idea why, but I've been craving them for at least a day now) and some more wine. Because we always need more wine, right? ;-) He's a good man!

Anyway, tonight I held Lillypants and marveled at the fact that two years ago I held a baby barely the size of her thigh--her sister. Yes I wish with everything that I have that she was here with us--but I didn't cry. Today I was able to accept the hand I was dealt and appreciated the brief moments I had with our first baby, and then felt overwhelmed with this incredible gift that I've been given.

Some days are still easier than others. I'm glad this weekend has proven to be more aligned with the former.

Oh and it sounds like we've agreed to go for #3, so there's that too. ;-)

Today is stupid.

Yep. That's my attitude at the moment. I fucking hate August 26th. I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns. I hate that it was the day that I was looking forward to and that it became the day that I'll never be able to forget and that I've lived over and over in my mind literally thousands of times. Almost every day, in fact. That's a lie: it has been every day of the past two years.

I'm doing my best to give it the big middle effing finger and go about my business, stay busy, and not look at the calendar. There's this big calendar when you enter my work--this morning as I entered the building I barely caught it out of the corner of my eye and just looked away and started to talk to a coworker.

Fuck it. I'm just not doing it. I'm not going to torture myself. I'm already done with all of my meetings for the day so I'm not even opening my Outlook calendar. No effing way.

Yesterday I was on Facebook and the little "On this day in 2009" thing popped up and it was something about me saying that my clothes didn't match because I was tired and got dressed in the dark. I just sat there and stared at the post--it was just so... superficial. Vain. Unimportant. Naive with no idea the shitstorm of sadness that was about to begin.

So eff you too, Facebook "On This Day..." feature. Eff you in the butt.

I am anxiously awaiting the day that August 26th comes to mean something else to me. I've been rooting with passion and glee for my sister's baby to arrive today. I would like nothing more than for this date to become a happy occasion and a celebration of new life. And at 2 days overdue, I'm sure she'd like nothing more than to oblige me. ;-) But the little man will arrive whenever he feels like it and I will celebrate him all the same. It's a good time of year to finally have something good happen.

So this weekend, we're unplugging. I've already turned off my Facebook wall and comments features. We're taking off Monday (Jude's birth-day) and are just going to hang out, do some fun family stuff, and remember our littlest lady.

It'll be fine, really. I'm way better than I was last year and actually looking forward to the family time. But I just hate this date. It's stupid.

xoxo

Tricks and treats

We're all learning big lessons in the MSC household!

Yesterday Lillian learned how to undo the velcro on her diaper.

Momma learned to not let Lillian just sleep in a diaper. And to never, ever pick her up in the morning without turning the lights on first.

Yep. That happened.

Awesome.

Things. And lots of them.

I swear, I've had the best intentions to update. I've mentally written eloquent posts. Hilarious posts. Anecdotes about new parenthood that you would enjoy. And then never posted them. Why?



I've been too busy smooshing these cheeks. And attending showers. And weddings. And planning showers and weddings and parties. 'Tis the season 'round these parts. It's been fun. Exhausting, but fun. And the cheek smooshing keeps me going.

But. There are other things and people on my mind tonight. A friend recently found out that the baby she is carrying will not make it. And while there are a lot of commonalities to this type of loss that I can empathize with, I know her journey has it's own complexities and unique devastation. But I know what that stab in the heart feels like and my heart absolutely goes out to her. I wish there was anything I could possibly do to take even a sliver of the pain away, but I know there is nothing. Nothing but I'm sorry's and a sympathetic ear.

And on a related note, it's almost August... It's been almost two years. While the pain doesn't usually take my breath away like it used to, the ache is there every single day. It's still completely shocking and surreal that I ever lived through that. And having a little one at home who looks so much like her big sister is a bittersweet reminder of what we lost.

I wish I had some way of closing this post off in a coherent manner, but tonight I've got nothing.

Three things

Lillian's first masterpiece and my first Mother's Day present, proudly displayed on my cube wall:


Photographic evidence of our hammock fun last night:


And lastly (and most importantly) she STTN last night! She went to bed at 7:30 and I barely heard a peep out of her all night. I guess the little slice of an eruption on her tooth was enough to let her sleep peacefully... thank god!

Someone put out an amber alert!

Seriously--has anyone seen the teething fairy? Because for realz, she needs to march her happy ass right back to my house and let this sweet babe cut her next tooth. About two weeks ago we went through our first round of serious teething hell. She was up all night screaming in pain and couldn't be consoled. Then we saw those two front toofers break through and BAM! Our baby was back! She even slept through the night for 2-3 nights.

And then it all came crashing down. Since last Wednesday (Thursday? God only knows at this point, I'm so effing tired) she's been screaming again. Not quite as loud, but just as consistently. It's draining! This morning we saw the swollen white tooth bud and this afternoon I saw the tiniest little slice in the top of the gum line, so I'm hopeful that my baby is back.

Yesterday was my first Mother's Day, but admittedly it was not celebrated until today. DH had a lot of things going on this weekend with friends and family and apparently it fell through the cracks. I was a little hurt and admitted so last night, but came home to a cooked dinner, my new favorite summer wine (Mouton Cadet white Bordeaux) chilled, a hand painted card from Lilly, and the hammock hung up so that Lil and I could take a nap after dinner. HEAVEN! Absolutely perfect. Exactly what I wanted.

In other news, we are almost 7 months along now and I'm still nursing. I am really proud of this, but have no fear: I am not the person who is running around mentioning this to people. I'm been struggling with supply lately since she started solids and it's started to dip, but apparently her appetite has not wavered just yet. There have been some rough days where it takes me 5 pumping sessions to get the 3 bottles she needs for the babysitter's and I'm operating with no freezer stash to back me up. It's been a wee bit rough.

I tried fenugreek, which produced zero results. However, I was pleased that it made not only my armpit smell like maple syrup, but every other part of my body! WHEE! Isn't that exciting?!?! LOL I guess it could be worse though.

So my 2nd option was to try out the MotherLove herbal products and picked up the MotherLove More Milk tincture. I'll admit it, my cheap ass balked at the $17 price tag because when I did the math it appears to be like a 10-15 day supply. But what can ya do? I'm one committed nutbag!

So I tried it. Within a day, my night and a.m. supply were way better. Midday and afternoon continues to suffer, but this is a big improvement. Next up is to add in the tea, try to increase my water intake some more, and to try the More Milk Plus. I really, really would like the ability to go to bed early instead of staying up until 10-11 to get another pumping session in.

BTW, anyone shopping for this stuff, please know that the tincture is effing disgusting tasting. Like icky faces and 20 minutes of an awful aftertaste that vaguely resembles smoker's breath. Again--what can ya do? Maybe I'll pony up the cash for the pills which are more expensive just to avoid this torture.

Anyway, I should probably get working on her 7 month post and I've also been wanting to write some entries about products that I've completely fallen in love with [without receiving any sort of compensation from the makers because (so far) I am not an asshole like that.] So maybe I'll write those soon, on the off-chance that you give a shit. ;-)

xoxo,

SHE SAID MAMA!

I swear, I could scream it from the rooftops--and I damn near did this weekend.

I do not care that she's 6 (okay, almost 7) months old and has no idea what she was saying. I DO NOT CARE. It was effing magical. Like unicorns and rainbows and Cabbage Patch Kids being birthed out of mother-freaking-Earth. There were harps playing and special heavenly lighting. And Cheetos falling like raindrops. That kind of magical.

We were hanging out in the living room with her in my lap when DH was assigned the task of suctioning out her nose because she had been so stuffed up she was having trouble nursing. She writhed about, moaning and trying to avoid his nasal secretion removal efforts when suddenly she said very loudly in a voice I've never heard her use, "MMMMM... MAMA!"

Heart.melt.

I'm so glad that there were witnesses to this event to share inthe magic, as my younger sister was there as well. DH damn near cried.

The thing is, we all gasped and started cheering so loudly that I think we scared her into never saying it again. But even if I never hear the word again, that one moment was enough for me. ;-)

Half of a year, all of my heart

(So forgive me. This was written on 4/9, but I'm only posting it today because I didn't have time to pull photos to include. I promise there are more posts coming soon! xoxo)


Six months. Six amazing months have flown by. The weekdays flip by so quickly--get us all ready in the morning, drop you off at the sitters (stopping to give her the latest Poop Report), go to work, fly home, feed you, feed me, bath and bedtime. Rinse and repeat until the weekend. Oh the sweet weekends when I get to play with you on the floor, decide if I want to shower or not, run to Target or hang out with family. Life is good. Really effing good.


We went through a rough patch where you started to wake up a lot at night again. I'm not gonna lie--I started to lose my mind a little. I was exhausted and disoriented, but we started up solid foods and you snapped right back into only getting up once a night. I can handle that! :-)


Your favorite things are your feet, Sophie, and FOOD! FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD! You'd think we had been starving you the way you eat. You lunge towards the spoon, yell and growl if we aren't going fast enough, and smile smile smile at how much you like it. So far you've had brown rice cereal, oatmeal, and avocado. Next up are sweet potatoes. WHEE!!


We have some new musical discoveries--you love Joni Mitchell and you loathe Dave Matthews. In fact, we were on a car trip together and I was listening to a mix CD and you started screaming every single time one of his songs came on. Hilarious! And sorta brilliant.


You rolled over for the first time almost two weeks ago. I was on my way home from work, but your dad was with you and cheering you on. The funny thing is that you did it in order to see the cat. When I got home you wouldn't roll over again so your dad went and got the cat and FLIP! There you went. A few weeks ago you had no idea the dang cats existed and now you're all ohmygodwhatisthatthingiloveitsomuch!!! It's funny.

Anyway. I just wanted to take a few minutes here on your 6 month birthday weekend and say that I love you, Peanut.
xoxo,
Momma

Dear Peanut,

Four months. Four glorious months have passed of watching every single magical thing you do in pure awe. I can't tell you how many times we're playing on the floor or you're nursing or falling asleep in my arms and I just keep telling myself over and over to remember and appreciate every single moment of this because I can literally feel the baby in you slipping through my fingers.


The newborn I knew is all but gone now. I can sometimes see a little glimpse of her when you're doing tummy time and your huge cheeks are just sagging and swaying in the breeze, but in the blink of an eye it's gone.

I remember my mom telling me that when I was born (way overdue) that it was because I just wasn't ready--and that the trait of not doing anything until I was ready stayed with me my whole life. But then when I'm ready--look out world! There's nothing stopping me.

I can see a similar pattern in you, my love. My labor with you was a slow start--a trickle of my water, a cramp, and then slowly built. You're the same way with your milestones--I'll get all concerned that you're not reaching for something as actively as you should be (in my head, of course) and then I realize you've been doing it all along without any ability to pinpoint the "first time" you did anything.

One day you'll nonchalantly rest your hand on something. Another day you'll pat it. Another day you'll grasp your chubby little fingers around it and next thing I know, you're shoving it in your mouth with this look on your face like, "What? I knew how to do this all along."



You do things in your own time, but your pace is slow and peaceful not like your momma, Hurricane MSC.

I haven't been good at writing to you as much as I probably should be, but honestly it's because I've been trying to spend every moment making those memories, not recording them. However, our monthly photo shoot have kept going strong and we're really starting to enjoy some creative photo ops. (See my first tribute to Mila's Daydreams.)



In the end, I'm wearing the New Parent badge of honor on my sleeve. I can't apologize or hide the love and pride that's bursting from me. You're such a easy going, loving little nugget and I'm so grateful that you chose us to be your parents.