What's left? There's life.

Seizing the chance to do something good...

2011-10-18T12:03:00.003-04:00

https://apps.facebook.com/yourlifecontest/content/ebing-mommy
There. I'm putting the link right up front. This is what I'm asking you to do today--vote for that mom. Vote for her once a day and tell your friends.

I'm constantly inundated with request to vote for babies and yes, it can get a little annoying/overwhelming.

But this is different. This little boy has a skin disorder that causes any friction on his skin to cover his body in blisters. He was only expected to live two years. He has lost his eyesight and his mom is now a single mother taking care of him.

This contest could bring her $25,000 to contribute towards his extensive medical bills. She's currently #2 in the contest and quickly trailing on the winner.

I'm also including a link to her blog in case you want to read more, but I must caution you that the story and photos will absolutely break your heart. http://randycourtneytripproth.blogspot.com/

I get so emotional, baby

2011-09-26T23:05:00.004-04:00

I've been thinking about the weaning process for a while now. We've been topping off bottles with whole milk for a few weeks to test the process and see how she does with it--and in true Lillian style she took it all in stride with no issues at all.

So I dropped a morning pumping session--and actually I just get double the milk during my afternoon session, which was kinda cool.

Then I dropped my nighttime pumping session last week. Oh to be able to go to bed early now--I'm positively swooning at the luxury!!

And today I dutifully packed up my pump, took it to work, and decided not to use it. I have enough milk put away for her to get partial BM bottles for our vacation and she turns 1 in two weeks now... So I decided it's time for me and the pump to say goodbye and part ways.

I'm emotional. I'm torn. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing. Or maybe I know it's the right thing but I don't want this to be the end. I don't want for my baby to stop being a baby. I wish that I could be with her during the day and pumping makes me feel like I'm doing something good for her, providing for her even when I'm not physically present.

Whee! Working mommy guilt's such a fucking blast, isn't it??

But anyway. I think this is it for the daytime sessions. Once she hits 1, we're going to go to just a.m. and p.m. nursing sessions for as long as my supply holds out or as long as she's willing.

And all of that said, I should confess that I caved and pumped tonight a few hours after she was in bed. She wasn't able to finish both boobs, so I had one that was still really full and wasn't going to make it till morning.

Tomorrow I'm going to pack my pump and take it to work, but I think I'm going to keep it in the car.

Baby steps. ;-)

Wherein I brag because I'm excited as fvck

2011-08-31T11:03:00.001-04:00

Last night we booked a trip to Turks and Caicos! SQUEEE!!

We've been watching travel deals for a while and finally found a bargain for this fall. After much debate and hand-wringing we decided to leave Lillypants at home with her Auntie that she adores. I think she'll be fine with her normal routine and we'll benefit from some mommy & daddy alone time.

I'm still sort of in shock/disbelief, but I'm so.freaking.excited!

Against all odds...

2011-08-28T21:21:00.003-04:00

I'm having the best weekend ever.

We've been biking and playing, watching movies, sitting in front of bonfires, drinking wine, going to up to the lake, etc. And Friday I had a blast with some great girlfriends at a local winery.

Really. It's way better than I anticipated. While I haven't been 100% unplugged, I've kept my internet time to a minimum and my focus on my family. It's been work to fit everything in, but it's been incredible.

And as I type this, DH is out buying me some lime Tostitos (no idea why, but I've been craving them for at least a day now) and some more wine. Because we always need more wine, right? ;-) He's a good man!

Anyway, tonight I held Lillypants and marveled at the fact that two years ago I held a baby barely the size of her thigh--her sister. Yes I wish with everything that I have that she was here with us--but I didn't cry. Today I was able to accept the hand I was dealt and appreciated the brief moments I had with our first baby, and then felt overwhelmed with this incredible gift that I've been given.

Some days are still easier than others. I'm glad this weekend has proven to be more aligned with the former.

Oh and it sounds like we've agreed to go for #3, so there's that too. ;-)

Today is stupid.

2011-08-26T11:38:00.003-04:00

Yep. That's my attitude at the moment. I fucking hate August 26th. I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns. I hate that it was the day that I was looking forward to and that it became the day that I'll never be able to forget and that I've lived over and over in my mind literally thousands of times. Almost every day, in fact. That's a lie: it has been every day of the past two years.

I'm doing my best to give it the big middle effing finger and go about my business, stay busy, and not look at the calendar. There's this big calendar when you enter my work--this morning as I entered the building I barely caught it out of the corner of my eye and just looked away and started to talk to a coworker.

Fuck it. I'm just not doing it. I'm not going to torture myself. I'm already done with all of my meetings for the day so I'm not even opening my Outlook calendar. No effing way.

Yesterday I was on Facebook and the little "On this day in 2009" thing popped up and it was something about me saying that my clothes didn't match because I was tired and got dressed in the dark. I just sat there and stared at the post--it was just so... superficial. Vain. Unimportant. Naive with no idea the shitstorm of sadness that was about to begin.

So eff you too, Facebook "On This Day..." feature. Eff you in the butt.

I am anxiously awaiting the day that August 26th comes to mean something else to me. I've been rooting with passion and glee for my sister's baby to arrive today. I would like nothing more than for this date to become a happy occasion and a celebration of new life. And at 2 days overdue, I'm sure she'd like nothing more than to oblige me. ;-) But the little man will arrive whenever he feels like it and I will celebrate him all the same. It's a good time of year to finally have something good happen.

So this weekend, we're unplugging. I've already turned off my Facebook wall and comments features. We're taking off Monday (Jude's birth-day) and are just going to hang out, do some fun family stuff, and remember our littlest lady.

It'll be fine, really. I'm way better than I was last year and actually looking forward to the family time. But I just hate this date. It's stupid.

xoxo

Tricks and treats

2011-08-17T22:38:00.003-04:00

We're all learning big lessons in the MSC household!

Yesterday Lillian learned how to undo the velcro on her diaper.

Momma learned to not let Lillian just sleep in a diaper. And to never, ever pick her up in the morning without turning the lights on first.

Yep. That happened.

Awesome.

Things. And lots of them.

2011-07-25T23:10:00.003-04:00

I swear, I've had the best intentions to update. I've mentally written eloquent posts. Hilarious posts. Anecdotes about new parenthood that you would enjoy. And then never posted them. Why?

I've been too busy smooshing these cheeks. And attending showers. And weddings. And planning showers and weddings and parties. 'Tis the season 'round these parts. It's been fun. Exhausting, but fun. And the cheek smooshing keeps me going.

But. There are other things and people on my mind tonight. A friend recently found out that the baby she is carrying will not make it. And while there are a lot of commonalities to this type of loss that I can empathize with, I know her journey has it's own complexities and unique devastation. But I know what that stab in the heart feels like and my heart absolutely goes out to her. I wish there was anything I could possibly do to take even a sliver of the pain away, but I know there is nothing. Nothing but I'm sorry's and a sympathetic ear.

And on a related note, it's almost August... It's been almost two years. While the pain doesn't usually take my breath away like it used to, the ache is there every single day. It's still completely shocking and surreal that I ever lived through that. And having a little one at home who looks so much like her big sister is a bittersweet reminder of what we lost.

I wish I had some way of closing this post off in a coherent manner, but tonight I've got nothing.

Three things

2011-05-10T09:02:00.006-04:00

Lillian's first masterpiece and my first Mother's Day present, proudly displayed on my cube wall:

Photographic evidence of our hammock fun last night:

And lastly (and most importantly) she STTN last night! She went to bed at 7:30 and I barely heard a peep out of her all night. I guess the little slice of an eruption on her tooth was enough to let her sleep peacefully... thank god!

Someone put out an amber alert!

2011-05-09T21:00:00.005-04:00

Seriously--has anyone seen the teething fairy? Because for realz, she needs to march her happy ass right back to my house and let this sweet babe cut her next tooth. About two weeks ago we went through our first round of serious teething hell. She was up all night screaming in pain and couldn't be consoled. Then we saw those two front toofers break through and BAM! Our baby was back! She even slept through the night for 2-3 nights.

And then it all came crashing down. Since last Wednesday (Thursday? God only knows at this point, I'm so effing tired) she's been screaming again. Not quite as loud, but just as consistently. It's draining! This morning we saw the swollen white tooth bud and this afternoon I saw the tiniest little slice in the top of the gum line, so I'm hopeful that my baby is back.

Yesterday was my first Mother's Day, but admittedly it was not celebrated until today. DH had a lot of things going on this weekend with friends and family and apparently it fell through the cracks. I was a little hurt and admitted so last night, but came home to a cooked dinner, my new favorite summer wine (Mouton Cadet white Bordeaux) chilled, a hand painted card from Lilly, and the hammock hung up so that Lil and I could take a nap after dinner. HEAVEN! Absolutely perfect. Exactly what I wanted.

In other news, we are almost 7 months along now and I'm still nursing. I am really proud of this, but have no fear: I am not the person who is running around mentioning this to people. I'm been struggling with supply lately since she started solids and it's started to dip, but apparently her appetite has not wavered just yet. There have been some rough days where it takes me 5 pumping sessions to get the 3 bottles she needs for the babysitter's and I'm operating with no freezer stash to back me up. It's been a wee bit rough.

I tried fenugreek, which produced zero results. However, I was pleased that it made not only my armpit smell like maple syrup, but every other part of my body! WHEE! Isn't that exciting?!?! LOL I guess it could be worse though.

So my 2nd option was to try out the MotherLove herbal products and picked up the MotherLove More Milk tincture. I'll admit it, my cheap ass balked at the $17 price tag because when I did the math it appears to be like a 10-15 day supply. But what can ya do? I'm one committed nutbag!

So I tried it. Within a day, my night and a.m. supply were way better. Midday and afternoon continues to suffer, but this is a big improvement. Next up is to add in the tea, try to increase my water intake some more, and to try the More Milk Plus. I really, really would like the ability to go to bed early instead of staying up until 10-11 to get another pumping session in.

BTW, anyone shopping for this stuff, please know that the tincture is effing disgusting tasting. Like icky faces and 20 minutes of an awful aftertaste that vaguely resembles smoker's breath. Again--what can ya do? Maybe I'll pony up the cash for the pills which are more expensive just to avoid this torture.

Anyway, I should probably get working on her 7 month post and I've also been wanting to write some entries about products that I've completely fallen in love with [without receiving any sort of compensation from the makers because (so far) I am not an asshole like that.] So maybe I'll write those soon, on the off-chance that you give a shit. ;-)

xoxo,

SHE SAID MAMA!

2011-05-02T16:59:00.003-04:00

I swear, I could scream it from the rooftops--and I damn near did this weekend.

I do not care that she's 6 (okay, almost 7) months old and has no idea what she was saying. I DO NOT CARE. It was effing magical. Like unicorns and rainbows and Cabbage Patch Kids being birthed out of mother-freaking-Earth. There were harps playing and special heavenly lighting. And Cheetos falling like raindrops. That kind of magical.

We were hanging out in the living room with her in my lap when DH was assigned the task of suctioning out her nose because she had been so stuffed up she was having trouble nursing. She writhed about, moaning and trying to avoid his nasal secretion removal efforts when suddenly she said very loudly in a voice I've never heard her use, "MMMMM... MAMA!"

Heart.melt.

I'm so glad that there were witnesses to this event to share inthe magic, as my younger sister was there as well. DH damn near cried.

The thing is, we all gasped and started cheering so loudly that I think we scared her into never saying it again. But even if I never hear the word again, that one moment was enough for me. ;-)

Half of a year, all of my heart

2011-04-09T14:07:00.000-04:00

(So forgive me. This was written on 4/9, but I'm only posting it today because I didn't have time to pull photos to include. I promise there are more posts coming soon! xoxo)

Six months. Six amazing months have flown by. The weekdays flip by so quickly--get us all ready in the morning, drop you off at the sitters (stopping to give her the latest Poop Report), go to work, fly home, feed you, feed me, bath and bedtime. Rinse and repeat until the weekend. Oh the sweet weekends when I get to play with you on the floor, decide if I want to shower or not, run to Target or hang out with family. Life is good. Really effing good.

We went through a rough patch where you started to wake up a lot at night again. I'm not gonna lie--I started to lose my mind a little. I was exhausted and disoriented, but we started up solid foods and you snapped right back into only getting up once a night. I can handle that! :-)

Your favorite things are your feet, Sophie, and FOOD! FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD! You'd think we had been starving you the way you eat. You lunge towards the spoon, yell and growl if we aren't going fast enough, and smile smile smile at how much you like it. So far you've had brown rice cereal, oatmeal, and avocado. Next up are sweet potatoes. WHEE!!

We have some new musical discoveries--you love Joni Mitchell and you loathe Dave Matthews. In fact, we were on a car trip together and I was listening to a mix CD and you started screaming every single time one of his songs came on. Hilarious! And sorta brilliant.

You rolled over for the first time almost two weeks ago. I was on my way home from work, but your dad was with you and cheering you on. The funny thing is that you did it in order to see the cat. When I got home you wouldn't roll over again so your dad went and got the cat and FLIP! There you went. A few weeks ago you had no idea the dang cats existed and now you're all ohmygodwhatisthatthingiloveitsomuch!!! It's funny.

Anyway. I just wanted to take a few minutes here on your 6 month birthday weekend and say that I love you, Peanut.
xoxo,
Momma

Dear Peanut,

2011-02-12T11:31:00.016-05:00

Four months. Four glorious months have passed of watching every single magical thing you do in pure awe. I can't tell you how many times we're playing on the floor or you're nursing or falling asleep in my arms and I just keep telling myself over and over to remember and appreciate every single moment of this because I can literally feel the baby in you slipping through my fingers.

The newborn I knew is all but gone now. I can sometimes see a little glimpse of her when you're doing tummy time and your huge cheeks are just sagging and swaying in the breeze, but in the blink of an eye it's gone.

I remember my mom telling me that when I was born (way overdue) that it was because I just wasn't ready--and that the trait of not doing anything until I was ready stayed with me my whole life. But then when I'm ready--look out world! There's nothing stopping me.

I can see a similar pattern in you, my love. My labor with you was a slow start--a trickle of my water, a cramp, and then slowly built. You're the same way with your milestones--I'll get all concerned that you're not reaching for something as actively as you should be (in my head, of course) and then I realize you've been doing it all along without any ability to pinpoint the "first time" you did anything.

One day you'll nonchalantly rest your hand on something. Another day you'll pat it. Another day you'll grasp your chubby little fingers around it and next thing I know, you're shoving it in your mouth with this look on your face like, "What? I knew how to do this all along."

You do things in your own time, but your pace is slow and peaceful not like your momma, Hurricane MSC.

I haven't been good at writing to you as much as I probably should be, but honestly it's because I've been trying to spend every moment making those memories, not recording them. However, our monthly photo shoot have kept going strong and we're really starting to enjoy some creative photo ops. (See my first tribute to Mila's Daydreams.)

In the end, I'm wearing the New Parent badge of honor on my sleeve. I can't apologize or hide the love and pride that's bursting from me. You're such a easy going, loving little nugget and I'm so grateful that you chose us to be your parents.

Back at it.

2011-01-14T13:17:00.007-05:00

Well, I did it. I came back to work almost two weeks ago. I kissed her goodbye and dropped her off at the sitter's without tears--her or me.

And now I'm just stuck sitting here, thinking about her sweet little face and pudgy little body and what we would be doing if I was home with her. I mean, I knew that the day would come and it is what it is, but I wish I had even the slightest option to get to stay home, but there is just no.freaking.way.

I never thought I'd want to be a stay at home mom. I often wondered what SAHM's did all day, how they could possibly enjoy constantly engaging their children in a meaningful way... But then little Miss PJ Rufflebutt came flying out of my vagina and now I'm all like--I GET IT. I can play and engage and teach and snuggle her all.day.long. Even when she's all Fussy Fusspot and screams at me (which thankfully, isn't all that often) I still want to be right there with her. I feel like I'm missing my arm right now. She belongs with me.

So I do what I can to make the nights count--I rush home from work, drop everything (I have even given up watching Wheel of Fortune and if you know me, you know this is my big sacrifice) and play, play, play until she gets all glassy-eyed and it's time for bed.

But still--it's not enough. But c'mon now... With a cutie pie like this I have a feeling that all of the hours in the day would never be enough to shower her with the love that I have inside.

Oh well... wha'cha gonna do? ;-) Keep on keepin' on, I say!

Oh hey! Look who is 3 months old now??

More love than we know what to do with

2010-12-22T00:33:00.011-05:00

As always, go ahead and hit play... I was recently re-introduced to this song and keep singing it in my head.

Dear Lilly,

Every morning when I hear your little squeaks on the monitor, I can't help but smile to myself as I roll over in the covers, knowing that shortly I'll be seeing your sweet little face, melting my heart completely and washing away any semblance of exhaustion.

You are so magical in the morning! I love your little gasp when you hear me open the door, how you lay there ultra still as I sing you your good morning song, how you break into uncontrollable smiles and wiggles when our eyes meet over the edge of your crib. These are moments that I wish you would be able to remember, but I know I will never forget.

Last night when we returned from my mom's house I carried your tired little body upstairs and my eyes welled up with tears. I remember my dad carrying me to bed after staying late at Grandma and Grandpas--and I can't believe that this little person in my arms is really my daughter and I'm really carrying your amazing little self to your bed. The idea that I make you feel as safe and loved as my parents did back then is almost too much love for me handle.

It's an interesting thing, becoming a parent. Sometimes I just want to call my mom up and ask her how she did it--how she handled us growing up, growing apart, and sometimes us not being all that nice to her. Sure, we have a great relationship now but the teenage years alone were riddled with trying times. I can't imagine how hard that is on a parent when it all starts out with this pure, unapologetic outpouring of love. I hope you never treat me how I've probably treated my parents from time to time. I'm not sure my heart could take it.

We've had some very important conversations lately and while you don't know what I'm saying just yet, I hope someday you'll understand what I've told you:

I love you so simply, so completely, and so endlessly. I will love you until there is no more breath in my body. I will love you even when you are not as perfect as you are now and even when you don't like or love me that much at all. You've always been more than I could ever ask or hope for and I am so, so grateful to you for making me a true momma.

XOXO

Lillian's birth story, unedited

2010-12-02T23:45:00.027-05:00

Well, the short version of this birth story would be that I wanted a natural childbirth and I got it... And it was the craziest, most amazing experience of my life. But for posterity's sake (and for those considering natural childbirth who are nuts like me and want to read every.single.detail) I present to you The Longest Birth Story Ever Told.

I mean, considering it took 28+ hours to take place, it's not like one could really do a Reader's Digest version anyway, right? ;-)

The week before my due date, I started having contractions after work each night, exactly at 5:00. They were 5 minutes apart, but would taper off after I'd lay down for the evening. I had them throughout the day (usually whenever I was walking) but I thought it was funny how they would become timeable right at 5:00 on the dot. I'm not exactly known for being punctual!

That Friday, the same thing happened after work. We went to my sister's for dinner and started to watch the documentary "Babies" but they didn't go away. In fact, sometimes they were only 3 minutes apart.

Around 10 p.m., I went to shift my legs on the couch and felt a small gush. I went to the bathroom to determine if it was my water breaking or if Lillian had stepped on my bladder. As I walked around, I continued to leak so I knew it was my water.

I told my sisters that I thought my water had broken. They stared at me in disbelief as I tried to talk out what had just happened and convince myself this was for real. I told them that I was going home to get some rest (I had worked all day and even took a 2 mile walk with my boss at lunch). They were surprised and very excited, but I made them promise not to tell anyone since I wanted to labor at home (in peace and quiet) for as long as possible. Something told me this was going to be a long road.

I tried to stay calm as I drove the few blocks home and told DH what happened. We finished packing our hospital bags and in a panic, called my sister to ask her to pick up some real fruit popsicles to take with me to the hospital--the one item I hadn't purchased yet. I crawled into bed while DH waited for my sister to arrive with the goodies.

We used our Hypnobabies CDs (borrowed from my dear friend Boxie) to fall asleep. I would still wake up every 3-7 minutes when a contraction would start, open one eye to look at the clock, and fall back asleep. I also used this time to practice the relaxation techniques I'd worked on in our Bradley class.

Around 7 a.m. I finally called the midwife to let her know I was in labor. I wasn't thrilled that the on-call MW, Molly, was one that I had never met before but she turned out to be pretty awesome. She said I could go to the hospital, but I explained to her that I would prefer to stay home and we made a plan to check in every few hours.

I made us breakfast (Yes--I am insane) of bacon, eggs, and toast. I labored at home for awhile, listening to Hypnobabies CD's over and over again, trying different positions around the house, bouncing on the birthing ball, etc. The only position that didn't work for me was on all 4's--it was incredibly uncomfortable.

I also discovered that labor was messing with my senses--if there was background noise, something moving, etc. it would make the contraction much harder to deal with.

Also, I found myself focusing on breathing slowly and deeply, imagining that my breath was pulling the power out of the contraction and out through my head. It helped me to concentrate on the contraction losing it's power after the peak and made the spaces between contractions seem a little longer.

We went on 2 long walks--but our neighborhood is pretty hilly so we would drive to the local towpath to walk there. I would have a contraction in the house, then walk out to the car and have one in it, drive the few blocks to the towpath, have another, then get out of the car to walk. What a sight we must've been to the other people walking and riding on the path! We held hands and talked, admired the changing colors on the trees, and how excited we were to meet our little Tigerlily. When a contraction would come on, I would stop, close my eyes, deep breathe, rock my hips, and after it subsided, we'd keep walking and resume our conversation. It was a very special time we spent together and I can't drive past that park without smiling.

DH made us grilled cheese for lunch, but I didn't have much of an appetite. I kept drinking as much water as I could to stay hydrated and even managed to take a few quick naps. My contractions were getting progressively stronger, but were also spacing out a bit.

Every few hours I would take my temperature and call the midwife to check in. Around 5:30 p.m. the midwife finally advised that we head to the hospital. I was laboring in the rocking chair and my legs had started to shake, so I agreed to go. I needed someone to tell me that I was making progress and that she would be on her way soon.

When we arrived at the hospital, the doctor had to check me with a speculum. When he looked, he said that my water was bulging and that I was at least dilated to a 4. He asked DH if he wanted to see and he jumped at the opportunity. I laughed and asked him if he was sure he wanted to see that and he said that he did, but asked if it was alright with me. I agreed and he marveled at how crazy it was to see.

The doctor then checked internally and it turns out that I was at a 6, which was good news--he just hadn't been able to see my whole cervix before. They then checked me into my room around 7:00, put in my heplock (I didn't want an IV so that I could stay mobile) and did some monitoring. That was tough because they wanted me to lay back and strap on the monitors which was unbelievably painful during contractions.

Our midwife arrived and got them to agree to monitoring 1 contraction every 15 minutes, which was tough too. I finally had to ask them to just let me hold the monitor in place instead of strapping them onto me. I could tell that Molly had to argue with the hospital a bit and one of our nurses was being a bit of a bitch about it, but I was too far into labor and concentrating to really deal with her or worry much about it. I'm just glad Molly was able to go to bat for me.

At this point, time became a bit of a blur. We listened to my birthing playlist--mostly soft Beatles music. We spent some time in the birthing tub from around 8:30-9:30, which was a nice distraction. However, it wasn't a whole lot of relief because it made my acid reflux so much worse with my belly floating up higher. Eventually they offered me some Pepcid through my heplock and I conceded. I felt bad--I'd gone through my entire pregnancy just using Tums/Rolaids/papaya enzyme tablets that I wish I could have made it the rest of the way... and the stupid Pepcid didn't help anyway!

I got out of the tub and spent a long time laboring in bed--sitting indian style and just doing my best to relax and give into labor. I was tired, uncomfortable and just wishing I could make more progress. Molly checked me and I'd progressed to a 7, but not much more. Around 11:00 I asked about breaking my water since apparently the "break" I had the night before was either a high leak or had resealed itself.

Molly was wonderful--she said she would suggest breaking my water, but wasn't going to push it because it wasn't in my birth plan. She said that from where Lilly's head was and how much my water was bulging that it was probably preventing her head from pressing on my cervix enough to dilate it fully.

I hadn't wanted any interventions, but something was telling me that this was a smart decision to go ahead and do it. I'd already been laboring for over 24 hours and the hospital was already nervous about me and I wanted things to start moving. However, breaking my water fully was going to make contractions even worse, so I wanted to take a break first to rest up.

I tried to make myself as comfortable as possible (lord only knows how this is possible on the verge of transition). My legs kept shaking mercilessly. I was scared of having my water broken, so I just wanted them to do it quickly. At 11:30 I remember looking at the clock, disappointed that I wasn't going to deliver on my due date (and John Lennon's birthday) but thinking to myself that 10/10/10 was a pretty good consolation prize. I also remember thinking of the clock as a pie chart--I'd already come so far--it couldn't be much longer.

After they broke my water, fluid kept gushing and gushing out. They couldn't believe how much fluid kept coming out of me (delicious, eh?) I sat on the edge of the hospital bed and with each contraction, more would flow and they'd have to change the pads underneath me again. The contractions were more intense and Lilly's every movement more uncomfortable. I had progressed to a 7/8, but not quite an 8.

Molly had me change positions to the midwife position to get Lilly more centered in my pelvis. This was incredibly uncomfortable, but I could tell it was working. Shortly afterwards I was a full 8.

Nothing could have prepared me for full-on transitioning. I totally, 100% understand why people get epidurals--you reach a point where you will do anything to derail that crazy train and make the pain (and the fear, exhaustion, etc) stop.

It takes you to a point where you hit this crazy, impossible wall and you're in this dark standoff with your own body--and letting go at that point and letting your body to take over is the hardest, scariest thing in the world to do. But then you do--and your body responds and you're on your way.

My body completely convulsed with each contraction. I laid on my side, holding the bedrails (trying my hardest not to clutch them for dear life--I didn't want to tense up) and just kept telling my DH over and over that I didn't want to do it, I couldn't do it, make it stop, that I just wanted it all to be over. I never let myself say the word epidural because I knew they'd give me one if I said it.

I kept envisioning the relief of someone running into the room at full speed, stabbing me in the back with an epidural, or wheeling me out of the room and cutting her out of me--anything to make it stop. It's not that it's so painful you can't take it--it's really just an extreme discomfort that you feel like will never.effing.end. (Newsflash: it does! ;-)

But this is what they meant when they talk about giving into labor. I was fighting the convulsions to relax enough to let labor progress. I know this probably doesn't make much sense, but it's what it felt like to me.

I also got a little panicky and when Molly left the room, I had to have DH go and get her and when she got there, I couldn't explain to her why I needed her there. I just did.

Finally I was able to calm down enough for a few contractions that I didn't convulse and suddenly I felt her move down. I couldn't help but shout, "I've gotta POOOOOOOP!" (Yes, we still laugh about that to this day.) Molly laughed and said that was good--and when I felt like pushing to go ahead and bear down a little. She said that when I started making grunting noises that she'd know I was ready to really push. A few contractions later, the grunting started! It was hilarious because it sounded just like she described and just happened naturally.

At 1:28 a.m. I was a full 10 (I kept insisting, "This one goes to eleven!" ala This Is Spinal Tap) and kept pushing as they got the room ready.

When they had broken my water earlier, there was meconium in the fluid, so the NICU team had to be there. Molly explained to us that this meant DH couldn't catch the baby as we'd hoped, but if she came out screaming we could still do skin to skin and delay cord cutting, but if she didn't scream she'd get whisked away by the NICU team to check her out.

When the NICU team arrived as I was pushing, all I could think of was that I didn't want them to take my baby away. They introduced themselves and from my pushing position on the bed I moaned, "I'm MSC... I brought candy!" and pointed to the bag of candy that I'd brought to bribe the nurses into being nice to me. LOL

The contractions kept coming and I kept pushing. Pushing was the most amazing, exhilarating thing ever. Once I was able to let go, let my body and contractions take over, etc--she came out like a champ. The ring of fire was NOTHING at all to me--in fact, they said for a few contractions that I was one push from getting her out, but the contraction was ending, so I just let her go back in. I kept telling myself that stretching like that would help me to prevent tearing as bad. In fact, I think DH, the nurses and Molly were more disappointed than I was when she didn't come out during these contractions!

At one point they asked me if I wanted to feel her head, so I reached down and was shocked to find that it felt nothing like a head at all! It was this crazy, wrinkly ball of mush. Ick! It was more confusing than motivating, but I'm glad I did it anyway.

I was having some problems with the final pushes because on one side they had my foot and on the other they were holding my leg, so I didn't feel like I had good leverage on that side, but I was afraid of being rude and barking orders for them to grab my foot (labor insanity, anyone?) Finally someone grabbed my foot and the next thing I knew I was screaming this crazy, primal, exhilarating scream and she was crowning.

But that final push at 1:53 a.m., the feeling of relief as she came out, the look on her face when she came out, screamed, and then just started looking around at all of us like "WTF, how did I end up here?!" (She is MY kid, after all... She apparently says WTF right off the bat, LOL)... It was amazing!

And then they put that warm, slippery little body on my chest and I was just so overwhelmed--I wish I could remember my first words to her, but we weren't allowed to videotape. I have a feeling it was something along the lines of, "Oh my god! Hi! HIIII!!!"

She looked right at us as we held her--calmly, contemplative. It was magical. She was so sweet and alert.

While we visited with her, I delivered the placenta (which in comparison to a 8 lb, 11.4 oz and 21" baby, felt like a warm massage) and got stitched up. I had 2 1st degree tears and a "nick," which didn't hurt much at all (yes, I took the numbing shot--I'm not a total freak! ...okay, nevermind. I stand corrected!) And then we let in my mom and stepdad who had been waiting in the waiting room (patiently, with no idea that I'd just delivered). We all sat around and smiled, marveling at her size and beauty as she was weighed and checked in the room.

Finally I breastfed her (screaming, "OW OW OW!") and then she was off to the nursery for her bath while we got checked into our post partum room. A few hours later she was brought to our room for our real adventure to begin.

There were so many times that I wanted to stop--to make the pain go away. But I wanted this to be our first gift to her and I'm so glad that I did. She was so alert, quickly latched and nursed like a pro, and just overall thrived from the get-go.

And surprisingly, I felt like a champ! Honestly, I felt like I could have gotten up and drove home that night. My only real pain was in my tailbone and at first we were a little concerned that she had chipped it, but it turns out it was just sore from her essentially using it like a slide to get on outta there. But some ice packs and I was 100% better in about 2 days.

In the end, I think the key for me was reading about a TON of relaxation techniques, practicing them, and then mentally filing them away for potential use. Some things worked in labor, some absolutely didn't. I read a ton of labor stories to hear what other people did, understand their thought processes, and just know that it would not kill me. Also practicing the techniques in early labor helped me to be more prepared and refine what worked before things got rough.

I have to say that going naturally was one of the craziest, most challenging things I've ever done in my life. It's funny--when people find out you want or had a natural childbirth, they're so quick to tell you that they don't give out medals for not having pain meds. Honestly, if I was looking for a medal I would have pursued another endeavor! This was about finally having my turn to deliver a child the way I wanted to for my entire life. It was about testing my physical and mental limits for myself. It was about facing those dark moments in transitioning and still wanting to push forward and give into this physiological process. This was about being able to give this gift to my daughter because both of our health allowed it. It was about all 3 of us, having the most intense, exhilarating, bonding experience possible. That's what I carry with me and that's what I'm proud of.

Welcome to the world, Miss Lillian. I'm so glad you're here! XOXO, Mummy

Playing catch-up

2010-10-29T22:44:00.006-04:00

*waves*

Oh hai! I'm the bad blogger who disappeared into mommydom. I continue to mentally write blog posts--witty, informative posts filled with all of my newfound, bountiful wisdom... and then promptly forget them.

So here I am with a few minutes to myself, so I'm going to try to throw together a halfway coherent post to let you know how things are going.

First, the behbeh... She is magical. She eats and sleeps like a champ. We go 3 1/2 hour stretches at night, eat/change dipe, and we're right back to bed. LOVE LOVE LOVE that! And hello? She's hella cute!

However, the one thing I was NOT prepared for was how challenging breastfeeding would be. I took a class before I gave birth that came highly recommended, so I felt pretty prepared and determined... And then my LO arrived with a voracious hunger and vampire-like sucking ability.

The lactation consultants in the hospital were less than helpful (one was downright condescending) so the day after we got home from the hospital, I marched myself (okay, technically DH drove) to the local breastfeeding center where I took my class for some assistance. That plus some YouTube'ing of BF'ing videos and we were back in business--greatly improved, but still painful.

Tonight a friend suggested that I look into a nipple shield to help me out while things are healing up and after seeking further advice from some very helpful friends, I was on my merry little way to Target and returned home with the shield in hand and proceeded to finally have a pain-free feeding. WOOT!

Anyway, let's round out the Mah Belleh Fridays with a final Mah Belleh report...

How far along? Lilly is 2 weeks, 5 days old. By the time I left the hospital, I was down about 14 lbs and probably looked like I did when I was 25-28 weeks pregnant. Within a few days (wearing my beloved Bella Bands and doing the abdomen massage my sister suggested) it has continued to flatten out. I'm actually very pleased with how everything's going back to normal. I'm down about 23 lbs now, with about 10 to go.

Stretch marks? OMG, you guys--none! I'm still waiting for something to appear but so far, so good. Still giving mad props to my Burt's Bees Mama Bee Belly Balm--and I'm still using it. My skin is actually snapping back nicely.

Sleep: 3 1/2 hour stretches, usually from 9 p.m. to 9 a.m. Whoohoo!

Best moment this week: Coming home from Target with my nipple shield and having a pain-free nursing... You have no idea!

Movement: I thought I would miss being pregnant, but having her on the outside immediately erased those thoughts. I don't even think about it because I still feel very much connected to her.

Food commentary: Pardon my voracious breastfeeding hunger. It is so out of control, it's sort of embarrassing, but I'm still losing weight so whatever! I will enjoy this while it lasts.

Labor Signs: I actually didn't have many labor signs. I had Braxton Hicks every night (they'd be 5 minutes apart) and then one night BAM--Water broke!

Belly Button in or out? Mine never really popped out much, it just had a little lip that jutted forward. It's back in, but shall we say... sort of "cavernous"? It's shrinking up, though.

What I miss: Nothing actually. My heart's never been so full.

What I am looking forward to: Every day that I get to stay home with this little bugger. Did I mention that she's magical.

Weekly Wisdom: Make good friends with a wonderful, supportive, smart mommy community. I cannot say THANK YOU loud enough or often enough for all of the insight, support, and love we've been given.

Weekly WTF: WTF breastfeeding? Why do you have to be so painful!? Isn't this supposed to be some beautiful, natural experience? I'm sticking with it, but dang! Can't a girl catch a break?

Nesting madness: We are all nestled in and happy as clams.

Milestones: My baby is up over her birth weight again! We went to the pediatrician's on Monday and she was 9 lbs and measuring in the 90th percentile for height, weight and head circumference. Go Lilly!!

I have written this post a million times in both my head and my heart

2010-10-19T12:15:00.007-04:00

And here I am to finally say it--She's here. My baby girl is here!

And there she is, my friends--my 10/10/10 baby (shocking, eh?) All 8 lbs, 11.4 oz and 21 inches of her. And yes, there were 28+ hours of natural labor involved... All totally worth it for my little snuggle bunny.

I'll post a full birth story later, but I felt like I was being totally blog-neglectful by not letting you know that she's here. The past 9 days have been the most glorious, heartwarming experience ever. She eats like a champ, sleeps pretty well, and makes my heart explode with pegasus unicorns and rainbows every time I look at her.

So there we are--one big happy family at last.

XOXO

We've come a long way, baby!

2010-10-08T15:00:00.019-04:00

Tomorrow is my due date. I am due with a baby tomorrow. Today is October 8th and tomorrow is the 9th. My pregnancy ticker says I have one day left and my little monster icon has crawled past all of the flying bats and into the creepy tree with the sunset behind it.

No matter how I say it or try to visualize it, it's still very surreal. I guess my continued denial is still a very powerful thing--which is good because I could still be looking at being pregnant for, oh, the next two weeks or so. I have my next midwife appointment on Tuesday and if I haven't had a baby yet, we'll schedule an ultrasound and NST for the next week when I'm 41w. If the testing comes back fine (and continues to) they'd let me go to 42 weeks (maybe +2 days?)

Yes, I'm still at work. Yes, (for the most part) I feel pretty good. No, I'm not terribly anxious or afraid. Just disbelief... Lots and lots of disbelief.

How far along? 39w6d!!

Stretch marks? I have looked and looked, lifted my bump, looked underneath. Every time I *think* I may see one, I can't find it again later or discover it's just a vein. Curious to see if I'll have any "aftershock" stretch marks" or ones that I just can't see yet.

Sleep: Earlier this week was rough. Lilly dropped on Sunday, which sent my hips into a tailspin Monday/Tuesday--but it's gotten better. DH had a hard time sleeping a few nights because I was moaning in my sleep. Oh well--payback for his snoring, eh? Last night I slept well and he said I barely moaned, just a few sighs. Whee!

Best moment this week: DH and I went on a date, held hands and everything. I couldn't help but keep the receipt from the restaurant in case I went into labor that night that I'd have a record of our last meal together before baby. ;-)

Movement: She's slowing down a bit as she's running out of room, which I hate. I like all of the pushes and rolls and it freaks me out if she's quiet for a little while. I'm just so used to her being a bundle of activity and constantly throwing a foot to my left side and watching the foot bump roll around. Hilarious!

Food commentary: Since she dropped, my appetite has been back a bit. I'm more "snacky" than I've been in awhile and since I hadn't gained weight in a few weeks, decided to enjoy it.

Labor Signs: No such luck. I have BH contractions throughout the day and by 5:00 p.m., they're usually 5 minutes apart. Once I lay down for the night--WHAM! Gone. I have not decided if I'm willing to discuss my cervix or mucous plug on here, but suffice to say neither have made significant progress.

Belly Button in or out? AACK! There is a little lip that pokes out sometimes, depending on what position she is in! ICKY!

What I miss: Everyone not looking at me like I'm a walking time bomb.

What I am looking forward to: People not looking at me like I'm a walking time bomb.

Weekly Wisdom: Um... I've got nothing. I'm not that smart, apparently.

Weekly WTF: WTF, due date? HOW ARE YOU HERE?!!

Nesting madness: Oh yeah! Last weekend DH decided to tear apart our bathroom! We had planned on remodeling it earlier this year, but other house issues got in the way, so he decided to suddenly do a "quick refresh." Some spackling, paint, new vanity, hardware and accessories later... We've got a refreshed bathroom! ($5 says he paints our other bathroom this weekend, he is a nesting fool!)

Milestones: MY DUE DATE!!!!!!!!

Wherein you TRY not to think of a jack-o-lantern...

2010-09-27T16:44:00.003-04:00

Hey lookie lookie! I did my hair and wore my most seasonally festive sweater that I own... just for you! ;-)

Actually, after seeing that last series of photos, I realized how lazy and tired I looked with my hair pulled back, so I've been making more of an effort to get up on time and do my hair instead of sleeping in and just letting it air dry on the way to work... And I'm not going to lie, it actually makes me feel less tired throughout the day.

So anyway, I know it isn't Friday, but since I've been remiss lately and we're approaching the end, I didn't want to miss out on another week of surveys/photos. So here goes!

How far along? *rubs eyes, shakes head* 38w2d... really?!

Stretch marks? Still none... can you effing believe it?

Sleep: Still sleeping better than I thought I would be. I'm up every 2-3 hours to pee, but I usually fall right back asleep. That's about when I'd need to roll over and take some more papaya for my heartburn/acid reflux, so it just makes sense to hit all 3 markers before trying to fall back asleep.

Best moment this week: DH reading his favorite childhood book to her with his head in my lap. My heart about burst with rainbows.

Movement: I still love movement--all of it. The hiccups, the kicks, scratches, and wiggles. It's all pretty great. However, I think I tore something around my belly button last week--I was talking to DH and sneezed and I swear I felt my stomach muscles rip right in the middle. It burns and hurts pretty bad, but is slowly getting better.

Food commentary: Somehow I ate like total crap this weekend and gained no weight. This is not good for my motivation. I've been trying to still keep eating really well (forcing down veggies, limiting sugars) but I'm getting tired of being a good girl.

Labor Signs: None. When I don't drink enough water, I get hella bad Braxton Hicks that don't go away.

Belly Button in or out? Still in, but stretched to capacity. She hasn't put her head towards the back just yet, so there's nothing really putting pressure on it to push forward, but it's just so, so stretched!

What I miss: I'm not really freaking out about missing anything. I like how things are right now--I can still move around, we're in the home stretch, and I'm enjoying our last tidbits of peace and quiet with it being just me and DH... We've waited a long time for this, so in the grand scheme of things the next few weeks/month are no big deal. She'll be here soon enough!

What I am looking forward to: Oktoberfest beers, sleeping on my back, getting off of the couch/out of bed/out of the car within a reasonable timeframe... but really--none of these are that big of a deal to me.

Weekly Wisdom: If I can quote my borrowed Hypnobabies pregnancy affirmations CD, "Babies are born on their birth days, not when doctors say they will be born." I mean, unless there's a scheduled C/S, she's going to show up on the date that she's ready to show up. I'm sure in a few weeks I'll start doing the old wives tales to move things along (I mean, I need to keep myself entertained somehow, right?) but still--she's going to arrive when she feels like it. And if you've ever met me (or anyone else in my family) you should be well aware that this will NOT be on time. ;-)

Weekly WTF: WTF October? How are you right around the corner??

Nesting madness: Miss Lilly's room is all ready for her, but I'm still trying to get the house in order. It seems like whenever I get one room under control, another spirals out of control. Oh well--I'd imagine this will be an uphill battle for awhile.

Milestones: Dude... 38 weeks? I've started to get some "you're about to pop!" comments... Guess I should get used to that for the next few weeks, eh?

Wherein I delight you with mah amazing growing belleh (and finally change my shirt)

2010-09-10T16:22:00.006-04:00

So I've been remiss in writing. Again.

I'd make some valiant, dramatic promise to never let a few weeks lapse, but I think we'd both know it's a dirty lie. You know me better than that.

So anyway--here's where we left off (and apparently the precise point when I decided to give up on actually doing my hair).
33w6d

And then the day I was finally arrested for cardigan abuse...
34w6d

And finally Ohio decided to cool off a little bit, so I pulled out one of the three sweaters that fit me (This is actually a Limited Too size 14 sweater dress... judge all you want, it's comfortable even though I look like a walking blob of chewed up Bubbalicious.
35w6d

How far along? 35w6d

Stretch marks? *whispers* No. I'm hiding from them. I mean, I know they'll find me soon, but I'm going to hide out as long as possible.

Sleep: Well, I'm up to pee about 3 times a night now (had been doing well with 1-2 lately). At 4:305:00 I wake up with crazy thirst, then acid reflux, and can't fall back asleep until 20 minutes before my alarm goes off. Oh and my hips crack like they're breaking in half when I roll over to get out of bed. Despite all of that, I'm doing pretty well--and I mean that! Once I'm up and moving, I'm fine.

Best moment this week: I think she's head down again. Just need to confirm on Tuesday at my MW appointment and then I can start trying to move her posterior because this little lady is sunny side up right now!

Movement:

Food commentary: I'm struggling. All I want are waffle fries and ranch dressing and my chicka-cherry-colas. That's it. I'm still eating other things, but they're not what I want.

Labor Signs: Since last Thursday, I suddenly became one big Braxton Hicks contraction. I feel like it's pretty much 24/7. It doesn't hurt, it just feels weird and tight. Hopefully I'll get used to it. I'm using them as an opportunity to practice my relaxation and belly breathing.

Belly Button in or out? Still in! Oh for the love of god, I hope it stays in because honestly, outies gross me the F out.

What I miss: Have I mentioned lately how much I miss sleeping on my back lately? OOOOH! I cannot wait!!

What I am looking forward to: We're finally getting carpeting today, so I get to work on the baby's room all weekend and then get my house back to normal! I AM SO EFFING EXCITED, it's been a state of chaos since like May!

Weekly Wisdom: I took a really great breastfeeding class the other night at a local breastfeeding center. While it's not wisdom to share since I don't have any actual experience in it yet, it made me feel good, supported, and a little bit more prepared for actually feeding my child when they arrive into the world.

Weekly WTF: WTF, time? Why are you going so fast? I'm really going to miss having my little belly buddy around, keeping me entertained with her pushes, punches, and hiccups. Is it wrong that I kinda like being pregnant? I mean, I'm ready for a break (been pregnant 57 of the last 73 weeks or so) but overall pregnancy has been pretty good to me.

Nesting madness: Dude, did you see what I'm looking forward to??

Milestones: Some dr's/hospitals consider 36w full term. I think it's a milestone to hit the point where people won't freak out if you happen to go into labor. And yesterday was Sep 9--one month from my EDD!!

Where there is darkness, only light and where there's sadness, ever joy.

2010-08-27T11:17:00.004-04:00

I gave up on religion a long time ago.

I know it raises eyebrows to so openly declare oneself an agnostic heathen, but well... Here I am world, in all my glory!

But after the 9 years of Catholic school (and a nice handful of years after that spent sporadically attending church) I still find many of the traditions of the church comforting. Hence, why I think as we hit the anniversary of saying goodbye to our baby Jude (yet another contradiction, naming her after the patron saint of lost causes), I found myself humming the prayer of St. Francis today.

Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there's despair in life, let me bring hope.
Where there is darkness, only light.
And where there's sadness, ever joy.

But unfortunately (and not surprisingly) there's been some despair, darkness, and sadness in our house lately.

The anniversary has brought every memory--good and bad--rushing back to us. And while today is better/a little more peaceful than the past two days have been, we're still just muddling through it, side by side.

I had my meltdown Wednesday night because Miss Lilly has apparently decided it's a good idea to go transverse instead of just your average stubborn breech. So I started to worry about the possibility that she may decide to stay in the one position that can't be fixed... and it made me so upset! I've already been forced to give everything up before--my baby, my dreams for her, the birth experience I'd always wanted... and here I still might not have it all. Honestly, it was the possibility of getting do things "my way" next time that carried me through my first labor & delivery experience. This was supposed to be my reward.

Which got me thinking about Jude's birth... I've tried to reread her birth story a few times this week, but I just can't get through it. It's like reading my own words makes the experience too real to me again. Every time I read some nuance that I had forgotten about, it just breaks my heart all over.

So then the tears came--ugly, helpless tears that lasted for hours. I went through all of the cards we received, reread my pregnancy journal, looked at her photos, held her little dress and blanket, and just cried.

...grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul.

And speaking of love... My poor love is still so heartbroken over the loss of his little girl. I don't feel comfortable sharing the details of his grief here without his permission, but suffice it to say that he is still very hurt and misses her very much.

So last night we decided to go out on a date. The weather was beautiful so we went to one of our favorite patio restaurants and then the usual married couple voyage to Home Depot (romantic, yes?) It was nice to get out of the house, enjoy some fresh air (that's not 90 billion degrees) and just be together.

While we're not all of the way through this, I feel like we're headed in the right direction. I think we both felt a little more peaceful this morning and heading into the weekend, plan on just sticking together and licking our wounds a bit.

And if you're not familiar with the hymnal version of the Prayer of St. Francis, I'll post it here for you. I went ahead and picked a secular version of it, in an attempt to not offend with my heathen-ness.

For the love of god and everything holy--change your shirt, Charlie Brown!

2010-08-20T16:27:00.004-04:00

So apparently I not only need to stop wearing the same outfit on every single Friday, I also owe you some klassy work bathroom photos and an update. ;-)

30w6d...

32w6d...

How far along? 32w6d

Stretch marks? Nope, none. Thank jeebus, genetics, and Burt's Bee's Mama Bee Belly Balm. But I'm sure they'll arrive eventually.

Sleep: My borrowed Hypnobabies CD's have me out like a light in about 5 minutes, but I keep waking up around 2-3 a.m. Oh well.

Best moment this week: Watching this little monster move around like she's trying to climb out through my belly button

Movement:

Food commentary: Mmm... Cherry Coke!

Labor Signs: None whatsoever.

Belly Button in or out? Each week it gets more and more shallow. I am not looking forward to the day that it pops like a turkey. That always grossed me out to see on people. Can I stuff it back in and close up shop with a Band-Aid or something?

What I miss: Sleeping on my back, like a flipped turtle.

What I am looking forward to: Shower #2 is tomorrow! WHOOHOO!

Weekly Wisdom: Friends don't admit to friends that they're waddling. Try as I might to fight it, the waddle is creeping in this week. And every time I start to, a little bit of the pageant girl inside me starts to die. ;-)

Weekly WTF: WTF carpet stores! Why are you soooo expensive and why does it take sooo long to order/install?!

Nesting madness: The nursery has WALLS and they look glorious! DH also primed the room, painted the ceiling, and installed the ceiling fan. Sure it's not as pretty as a chandelier, but it's more practical and can help prevent SIDS. Tonight we're painting the walls!

Milestones: We finished our Bradley birthing classes last night! WHOOHOO!

The simplest terms, most convenient definitions

2010-08-18T14:59:00.003-04:00

I know it's been awhile. I'm sorry--I've been busy (with all good things, though!) and blog-neglectful.

I've started to mentally write this post a handful of times, but most often I just find myself thinking the subject line to myself--a line from one of my favorite movies.

You see us as you want to see us--in the simplest terms, the most convenient definintions.

It's funny--now that my pregnancy is pretty obvious, I've been getting a lot more comments and questions from strangers. Luckily, they've all been kind and well-meaning, so I'm not going to rant about people saying I look huge or unsolicited advice... But so often I find myself completely lying to them in response.

They ask if this is my first baby and I smile and nod while they gush about how excited we must be (and we are!). I listen to them tell me what it's like to hold your baby for the first time and the overwhelming feelings of love that you have like I don't know. I listen to their birth stories like I've never had a contraction or ever pulled my own legs back and push. I listen to my classmate in our Bradley birthing class express her fears of how she heard that an epidural can lower your blood pressure if you have existing low blood pressure--and I sit there, unable to tell her that with my epidural I sent alarms off all night and if they would have been concerned for the safety of my child at all, they would have totally carted me off to the operating room. But instead I say nothing, my heart and head burning with my lie of omission.

It's just easier than explaining what we've been through--and I know that it's the simple answer that people want to hear. And in a way, I want them to keep believing to the best of their ability that babies don't die. I wish I wasn't the girl whose baby died. I don't want their fears or their pity because neither of these things will make my heart hurt less or change what happened.

The simplest terms, most convenient definitions.

We are excited, we are grateful, and we love this little girl growing inside me to bits and pieces... But our hearts are still broken for our little girl who didn't make it.

We're creeping up on a year here, which is almost surreal to think about. But every time I see August 26th or 29th on something--the expiration date on a gallon of milk, my husband's oil change reminder, etc. I feel a sick to my stomach. August 26th, the day everything went to shit/August 29th, the day we said goodbye...

I've carved out that weekend as my own quiet time--we have no plans and no expectations, so we'll just play it by ear. The good news is that it will be better than the same day last year... but honestly, it won't take much to improve upon that.

So that's where I'm at right now, amidst all of the fabulous, generous showers and happiness. A (supposedly) glowing pregnant lady with a sad little secret...

Mah Belleh Friday!

2010-07-23T15:47:00.003-04:00

How far along? 28w6d

Stretch marks? Nope, none. I thought my linea negra was starting to show up, but it seems to have haulted operations. I am not complaining.

Sleep: DUUUUDE! I've had a hard time rolling over and felt really weird in my back but this morning I was rolling over and felt/heard this huge POP! AAAAHHHHH--absolute relief! I can turn, twist, and roll over. Fire off the confetti cannons and let's strike up the band--this deserves a parade!!

Best moment this week: My MW showing me where her head and butt are. I pretty much rub her little butt all day long... Is that weird? LOL!

Movement: She really does recognize DH's voice. He always talks to her when I get home from work and when I leave for work in the morning and immediately she goes from being quiet and still to tickling the crap out of me. It's fabulous.

Food commentary: Thank you jeebus for inventing waffle fries and ranch dressing. I'm trying to only allow myself to have them once a week, but when I do, LOOK OUT! There will surely be moaning as I chomp down those tasty f'ers!

Labor Signs: None--let's keep it that way mmkay?

Belly Button in or out? Getting more shallow and now there's a wee bit of a white ring around it where the "don't normally see the sun" parts are turning inside out. But it's not even close to becoming an outie. That shit will freak me out!

What I miss: At this moment, nothing. (Okay, there is a "who," but I don't think that's what this question is referring to...)

What I am looking forward to: Well, clearly meeting this little one, but now that I've seen the invitations to my shower I really can't wait! Kudos to my sisters on making a fabulous selection--I literally squealed with excitement when I spotted it on my sister's fridge.

Weekly Wisdom: The more I let myself think like a pregnant lady, I act like a pregnant lady. I think I've just gotta mind over matter with some aches and pains because really, they're not that bad. I don't want to be a whiner!

Weekly WTF: WTF hormones?! Please let me listen to that effing Michael Buble song without crying. Please! It's embarassing!

Nesting madness: Making some nursery decisions this weekend, drywall repairs in the baby's room are scheduled for the first full weekend of August. Looking forward to checking more things off the list!

Milestones: If my MW/OB office ever calls me back, I'll find out if I passed my gestational diabetes test that I had on Tuesday. I've called daily for the results, but they've been unable to get my MW to sign off on them in order to release them to me. (So I guess this doubles as a WTF?)

Mah Belleh Friday

2010-07-16T15:40:00.000-04:00

I already answered the quiz questions for the week, but I figured I should stay consistent and offer up a belly pic. Here I am, my ghetto bathroom photo and ghetto booty at 27w6d...

Warms me heart!

2010-07-15T16:16:00.003-04:00

Last night when I crawled into bed, exhausted but totally running on adrenaline after an amazing Lady Gaga show, DH rolled over and started running his hands along my shoulders/upper back and told me that he wants to get researching on every chiropractor/acupunturist/version expert in the vicinity and have it on-hand in the case our baby is breech later in our pregnancy.

SWOON!

He then went on to say that I'm the strongest person he's ever met... that I always pull through on things, power through to get the job done, show such determination even when things are tough. He said that he knows if a breech baby isn't in my path, that I can do this whole natural childbirth thing and that I'll be great at it.

DOUBLE SWOON!

I don't know if he had spent the evening reading one of the coaching books and came up with this speech, but I ate up every.single.word of it. Seriously, I could just cry thinking about it. He was just that sweet.

He knows exactly how bad I want this, respects that, and will do anything to make sure I can do it. Makes me love him even more than I already do!

(Now we just have to wait out the next 12+ weeks to see what happens!)

Onwards and outwards

2010-07-13T12:26:00.003-04:00

I've been meaning to blog--so much so that when I logged in to see the last time I did, I was shocked because I had mentally written a nice handful of posts over the past few weeks, but alas they were apparently figments of my imagination.

So here are a few of my klassy missing belly photos:

26 weeks:

27 weeks:

Now for the weekly survey:

How far along? 27w3d

Stretch marks? None yet. Rubbing that Burt's Bees Mama Bee Belly Balm on daily and hoping for a miracle. (A girl can dream, right?)

Sleep: Not bad, actually. I've been doing the Bradley sleep position and have been feeling pretty good. It's getting hard to roll over, though, it's easy to twist myself funny.

Best moment this week: Every moment that she's kicking, I'm in absolute effing heaven. I love watching and feeling her move. Oh and I think I felt my first body part! I couldn't tell if it was a head or a butt, but I felt a larger, rounded item the other night. It sent me in a tizzy of pressing all over my tummy trying to feel other body parts, to which I was unsuccessful.

Movement: Awesome, awesome, awesome. Did I mention awesome?

Food commentary: Thank jeebus for prunes and Fiber One bars. That's all I'm sayin'.

I've also been enjoying an inordinate amount of cereal throughout this pregnancy, especially Frosted Mini Wheats.

WTF trail mix? Why are you so delicious!

Labor Signs: None

Belly Button in or out? Continually getting more shallow, still veering to the right a bit. Comical.

What I miss: I'd like to roll over at night more comfortably, but whatever.

What I am looking forward to: Birthin' this baby somewhere in the next 80+ days.

Weekly Wisdom: Okay, so people weren't kidding about being pregnant when it's hot outside. I take everything I said back about how well I handle heat and how it wasn't bothering me. After we spent almost a week in 90+ degree weather, I just felt sick every day.

Weekly WTF: WTF hospitals? Why do you and your policies scare me so much? Even when I'm reading a pamphlet about how great your natural labor support is, when I see the section about all of your high-tech options, I start to feel a little ill.

Nesting madness: Our porch floor refinishing project is nearing the end, and DH decided to sand/stain the wood instead of repainting. It's been a long process and I'm not quite convinced it's going to hold up to the elements, but we'll see--and DH is so dang proud of it that it makes me smile.

We also have an electrician (finally) coming today to do the work needed in the baby's room, so we can finish the drywall after that. Progress!

Milestones: I AM IN THE THIRD TRIMESTER! DOUBLE DIGITS, YA'LL!! HOLY BALLS, CAN YOU EFFING BELIEVE IT!?!?!?

Sing, Sing a song

2010-06-17T15:32:00.002-04:00

So in all of the pregnancy books they recommend that you start singing and talking to your baby. Well, considering how much I flap my gums all day, she certainly hears enough of me talking--but the singing? It didn't come so naturally.

I normally listen to Howard Stern during my daily commute and we don't listen to a whole lot of music at home, so this has required a conscious effort. But when I thought about the stories of my dad singing Stevie Wonder's "Isn't she lovely" to my older sister when she was a baby, my heart melted all over again and it had me wanting to have the same stories to tell my own child.

So we started out (as expected) with a short, but sweet Beatles tune that just happened to pop into my head one day... I've even found myself humming it in the shower!

And then we expanded our horizons (and come to think of it, dark discussion of alcoholism) with a little Lady Gaga:

Dude--I finally got my copy of the Fame Monster, so you can't really blame me for having this stuck in my head, right? This song is aaaahhhmazing, even if it's not really warm and fuzzy appropriate for a baby! ;-)

Okay, so I guess it's time to get back to baby-appropriate tunes. This week I decided to lighten things it up with a little Buble... Sure, it's about romantic love but I know a lot of people who have found a connection with love for their future children. And hello? It's catchy as hell!

Lastly, this is not really a song I sing to Lil, but I kid you not--my baby loves when I play this freaking song. Every time it's on, she starts jumping around like mad. She's going to LOOOOVE it when we go to see Lady Gaga live this summer! :-)

So that's my Mommy Playlist as it stands now, recorded for posterity!

I dreamed a dream

2010-06-16T11:51:00.006-04:00

I know that hearing about other people's dreams is about as interesting as reading the fine print on a coupon, so let's suffice it to say that I had two dreams about delivering our baby and they were both odd, but not frightening in any way. In fact, I kept commenting that there was no pain, just pressure.

I realize real birth will not be without pain, but I can't say enough how much I'm actually looking forward to it. I know. If you didn't think I was a total nutter before, you are now convinced! ;-)

We're in week 4/12 of our Bradley Birthing classes and I'm really interested to get past general pregnancy topics and into the labor and delivery portion. I find it fascinating!

In the grand tradition of our family, I'll be going at this process without medication. Clearly, I understand that circumstances can arise that can be game-changers, but I'd like to go into this with a no Plan B mentality. Honestly, I will be pretty much devastated if I can't go through with the plan for some unforseen reason, but I guess I'll just have to cross that bridge if I come to it.

I can't say that I've spent my whole life envisioning myself pushing a stroller, but oddly enough I've always envisioned myself pushing out a baby without medication. The reasons why this is the best choice for me are almost endless, but I'm not huge into preaching to people the "why" behind my decision. To me, saying that this is what I've always wanted should suffice, right?

Anyone else out there completely jazzed about delivery?

23w

2010-06-14T16:38:00.005-04:00

How far along? Photo is from 22w6d, today is 23w2d

Stretch marks? None (yet...)

Sleep: Still struggling to become a side sleeper. I usually fall asleep on my side and wake up on my back but I've really been fighting to stay off of my back. I am now using a grand total of 4 pillows--two under my head to combat reflux, on between my legs and one that I either hug or put behind my back. I will probably be adding another very soon for constant back support.

Best moment this week: Feeling/watching/loving her kicking. It's much more consistent, it makes me feel like I'm starting to get to know her a little. She always gives me 3 good kicks right before bed.

Movement: I think I've felt her roll over too. It's interesting that the kicks don't "come out of nowhere" anymore--I can usually feel some pressure from wherever she is and then I know that kicks are soon to follow.

Food cravings: I had too much chocolate this week. I bought a bag from work in May that lasted me the whole month. I think the same bag only lasted me a week this time. No more chocolate purchasing for me! Oh and I'm having a love affair with carrots. Maybe these two cancel each other out? ;-)

Food aversions: None that I can think of.

Labor Signs: None

Belly Button in or out? In, but I think it's gotten a wee bit more shallow.

What I miss: Alcohol. I was at a wedding this weekend and I hate to sound like I need to check myself into Betty Ford, but I just can't get motivated to dance without a drink. I did buy myself some n/a white wine to enjoy on a few summer nights. It's okay--still not quite dry enough for my tastes.

What I am looking forward to: Getting everything ready for a happy, healthy arrival. I'm finally starting to believe that it's really going to happen so nesting has kicked in full-force.

Weekly Wisdom: I don't really have any, but what I do have is an overwhelming urge to slap people for being ungrateful for the blessings they have in their lives and only speak about things in the negative.

And why does everyone only want to mention the awful things about having children and all of those "just you want!" condescending remarks. I'm aware that sometimes you may want to run away or sell off your children--but clearly I've signed up for this (twice) and am looking forward to it. Why urinate in the Cheerios, pray tell?

And if I can go 3 deep on this topic, I'm also confused when people try to complain about pregnancy FOR me. Like they talk about how hot I must be or how I must be so tired, etc. Then I'm like--Nah, I'm fine and they just keep going like they know better. I mean, some people have difficult uncomfortable pregnancies--I get that. But so far, I'm not one of them.

Weekly WTF: So last week DH and I were talking about J.Lo and how she's trying to look all hot and saucy in her skin tight clothes. He made some comment that celebrities should give up the sexpot thing when they become parents because they are someone's mother... And I was like--Wait, are you saying moms can't be sexy? He tried to backpedal, talking about how their bodies change, etc. Backpedal FAIL. I started crying and he was confused. If a celebrity can't be a sexpot, what kind of hope does that give me? We sort of agreed to drop the topic, but it just brought out my fears on having to sacrifice certain parts of my body for a baby. I understand it's part of the tradeoff, but it's not easy.

Nesting madness: Started working on house projects. We have a lot to do in the baby's room, but we're on hold with some electricians. In the meantime, we agreed to tackle a few outside jobs and our porch. The floor of the porch needs to be repainted and some repairs to termite damage we had last year.

DH spent Sunday scraping the paint and I did some spackling, painting of our mailbox, lamp post, and new house numbers, as well as scraping our front steps and side door to prep them for a new coat of paint. DH has forbidden me from painting (*whines* even with no VOC paint and in well ventilated area, even though I've done it before!) so these projects are probably going to take longer than they normally would. I hope he gives in on the paint thing soon--I have a burning desire to wield a roller!

Milestones: This morning I realized that I'm quickly creeping up on 3rd tri--I honestly never thought I'd be here. I tried to believe it, but it never really sunk in. Lately things have been feeling more real.

Mah Belleh

2010-06-04T17:09:00.005-04:00

Admit it... You like the klassy work bathroom cameraphone thing, don't you?? ;-)

How far along? 21w 6d
Total weight gain/loss: You know, I hate this question. I think I'm going to end up redoing this whole stupid quiz.
Maternity clothes? Mostly.
Stretch marks? None, thank god. Just started with the Burt's Bees belly balm today, just to be sure.
Sleep: Didn't get enough this week. If I'm not in bed, asleep by 10-10:15, I'm exhausted the next day.
Best moment this week: Feeling outside kicks!
Movement: Wiggle wiggle, my little worm! I'm loving it. (I promise to come back and reread this when I'm begging her to get the fuck out of my ribs.)
Food cravings: Nah. Just random, "I want a Coke!" moments.
Food aversions: None, but drinking lots of water was a struggle this week.
Gender: As far as I know, she's still a girl.
Labor Signs: None, but I just read in my weekly newsletters that Braxton-Hicks could start soon. That seems crazy!
Belly Button in or out? In, but still veering to the right.
What I miss: Not having to drink a million glasses of water a day.
What I am looking forward to: Everything.
Weekly Wisdom: I've got nothing.
Milestones: Being more pregnant than I got to be with Jude. Last Saturday was the 21 week mark, the same point that I delivered Jude.

Did I forget to tell you something?

2010-06-02T16:33:00.004-04:00

*points at ultrasound photo in sidebar on the right*

We decided to name Baby X Lillian. It's been our favorite girl name for years now. The middle name is still TBD, but we've never wavered in first name choice for a girl.

So sure, this isn't a terribly exciting update, but I know someone asked what we were going to name her--so here it is! My little Lilybear--or as DH has been lovingly calling her, "my little Tigerlily."

MELTS MY HEART EVERY.SINGLE.TIME, I TELL YOU!!

My little Who down in Whoville

2010-06-01T11:10:00.002-04:00

As the weekend approached, I could tell that we were getting closer to feeling outside kicks. I no longer have to be in a perfect sitting position with my pants pressed into my belly to feel motion--sure, it's not as strong when I'm standing, but it's there.

A few times I've felt a little pop and I've wondered to myself if my hand would have been on the outside if I would have felt it--and then on Sunday we were over at my dad's and I could feel tons of rumblings and motion and I had a feeling that outside kicks were soon to follow.

I spent most of the day probably looking like a total weirdo with my hands precariously perched on my lower abdomen, just waiting for the opportune moment. I felt a few rumbles and twitches, but I knew that I was only aware of them because I could feel them on the inside, too.

Then came time for dessert--and I slammed some delicious ice cream and a Coke and WHAM! There she was, in all her glory--making her soccer-loving momma proud. I quickly called DH over to join in the fun and after a minute, there was another kick. He smiled and said he could feel it--then WHAM! She kicked so hard I could feel it through his hand. His eyes lit up in disbelief and we both burst out laughing.

Like I said before, I'm completly and utterly addicted to this. I wish I could chug Coke and ice cream all of the time, but alas I'm being a good little mommy and just waiting for her to keep getting bigger and more obviously active.

Weird to think about

2010-05-29T12:04:00.004-04:00

As of 4:45 p.m. today, I will officially be the most pregnant I've ever been.

I delivered Jude on the day I turned 21 weeks, which was also a Saturday like today. And it's just weird to think that instead of feeling medically induced contractions, I'm feeling a happy, healthy little girl kick and swim around.

Record keeping

2010-05-25T14:33:00.001-04:00

I know these are boring, but I do want to start keeping track of some things. I'll try to post them quasi-weekly.

How far along? 20w 3d
Total weight gain/loss: Ugh--11 lbs. But I guess that's right on track for how far along I am
Maternity clothes? Mostly. I got tired of squeezing into things, so I packed up my skinny clothes, but not everything is actually maternity, but lots of empire waists and loose shirts.
Stretch marks? None, thank god.
Sleep: Still struggling to stay on my side and get used to my back sleeping to be on an angle... Considering breaking down and buying myself a Snoogle off of eBay.
Best moment this week: Having a successful anatomy scan yesterday!
Movement: Yes! I'm loving the little wiggles and punches. Usually I need to be sitting up and feel it right where the elastic on my pants presses on my belly.
Food cravings: I don't know if I've had cravings per se, but there have been days that I'd really like some ice cream or pasta.
Food aversions: I think I can eat everything now. Pineapple was hurting my teeth at first, but it seems to be going away.
Gender: We are having a lovely little girl!
Labor Signs: Thank god I have none.
Belly Button in or out? In--but guess what? It's veering to the right! My belly button is already slightly off center and already it's WAY worse. This may get interesting!
What I miss: I will admit it: I would like a wee bit of tequila. I fell in love with light tequilas on our trip to Mexico and hadn't quite had my fill before I got pregnant. But believe you me, I am not crying over this--I'm much more grateful to be pregnant than pining over tequila.
What I am looking forward to: Working on the baby's room, seeing her little tushy and hammy little legs in cloth diapers and Baby Legs!
Weekly Wisdom: A healthy baby really is all that matters.
Milestones: Reached the 1/2 way point and had a successful anatomy scan--it's a big week in our house!

Drumroll please It's a...

2010-05-24T16:33:00.004-04:00

The mystery of Baby X has been solved! This morning we went in for our full anatomy scan and saw a healthy, active, long-legged little GIRL!

Absolutely every organ and appendage was present and accounted for, as well as measuring right on schedule. The u/s tech commented on her nice long legs and pointed out a million features that just made our hearts swell.

Everyone keeps asking us if we're bursting with excitement and if my credit cards are already smoking, but honestly our hearts are just bursting with overwhelming gratitude--almost in disbelief that we've been so blessed to have a perfect, healthy little baby headed our way.

In fact, instead of shopping on the way home, I might just have a good, happy cry instead.

xoxo to all. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your endless support.

Wanna see my bump?

2010-05-21T16:07:00.004-04:00

I'm not normally into bump photos--taking my own pics or looking at anyone else's. But I figured it's high time that I shared in case you're interested...

19w6d today... Can you believe it?

Tomorrow marks the half way point and Monday is our full anatomy scan. WOOT!

It's funny to have finally "popped" a bit after waiting for the past year for that to happen! ;-)

Irksome

2010-05-21T12:51:00.003-04:00

I hate pregnancy tickers that show "real" images of babies in them. They're getting even worse now that I'm well into my 2nd trimester and seeing a lot of them depicting half-baked babies.

First of all, they're creepy and I especially don't like when they show up on my screen on my work computer. I don't really want to creep out my coworkers innocently wandering by.

Secondly, most of them are GROSSLY inaccurate. I mean, I've seen a 21 weeker and let me tell you--they don't look anything like the little white babe in the ticker you're sporting.

Anyway, just wanted to get that off of my chest.

There's motion in my ocean

2010-05-19T16:54:00.004-04:00

On Monday, I had just finished polishing off some pita and hummus (and firing off an email to Becky with questions about her baby's kicking--she's 10 days ahead of me) and suddenly--Pop!

YES! Kicks! Baby X kept kicking and squirming like mad for the next two hours--so either s/he really likes or really hates hummus. LOL! Either way, I'll take it! It was such a fabulous morning, I was just a smiling fool in my little cube.

Yesterday was pretty quiet, despite my best efforts to entice s/he with more hummus--a random feeling here or there that I wasn't able to really identify and this afternoon I had two nice kicks that made me smile. I know sooner or later, I'll be begging this child to settle down so that I can get some sleep, but for now I'm just 100% in heaven.

Monday is our full anatomy scan, but I honestly haven't really been thinking about it all that much--I'm too fascinated by finally seeing a growing belly and feeling kicks after spending the last year waiting for those things to happen. I've even been tempted to switch it up and go Team Green and not have them tell us, but I think all of our friends and family would lose their minds!

However, if we get there and Baby X isn't cooperating, we might just shrug our shoulders and wait until October. MWAHAHA!! ;-)

Just one more thing to add to the list

2010-05-14T09:23:00.003-04:00

This is probably moreso for my own records than for any of your interest, but I wanted to record this for posterity.

On Mother's Day when we were getting in the car to head over to my mom's, the radio was on the 80s station on Sirius. When the song that was on came to an end, the DJ said that it was "Too Late For Goodbye" by Julian Lennon.

I wasn't familiar enough with his music to recognize it on my own and I was too wrapped up in my emotions at the time to really give it any thought, other than to make a quick mental note of the song title and yet another bizarre Jude-related coincidence--on Mother's Day of all days.

So now with time to reflect on it, I think I'll go ahead and consider that my first Mother's Day present ever. Thanks kiddo, I hear you loud and clear. XOXO

Mother's Day... for the rest of us.

2010-05-11T11:15:00.002-04:00

I have to admit it, I had a total.fucking.meltdown Sunday morning. I wasn't really thinking about Mother's Day being a weird day for me since I'm not a big holiday celebrator, but I slept in and DH started giving me a little crap about being late to my mom's and in my head I was just like... MY FUCKING MOTHER'S DAY, TOO DAMMIT! Just because I didn't get to change any diapers doesn't mean I didn't push a baby out of my vagina and quite frankly, make some parental decisions no parent should ever have to make.

I got in the shower and just started uncontrollably sobbing. I just couldn't stop thinking about how Mother's Day is an entire day dedicated to moms of babies who lived--and how I wasn't one of them. And remember the day that I became a member of the "other" category.

And then I cried more getting dressed... and drying my hair... And finally just marched out of the bathroom, red faced and tearful (scaring the crap out of my husband in the process) and told him that I was sad and needed a hug. He said he felt awful, he hadn't even thought of how I'd feel on Mother's Day and that he felt like a jerk. I didn't expect flowers or a card, but I did sort of expect for him to at least SAY something to me to acknowledge the day--I mean, after all I have been pregnant for the past two Mother's Days.

And I cried a little more driving to my mom's... and then again at my mom's. Ugh. I was a mess, but eventually pulled it together after my sister looked at me with great sympathy and said, "You okay? You want some cheese? Maybe a sooooda?" which made me laugh. And I did enjoy a mini Baybel cheese and a coke and I felt a little better.

But I guess that's all part of the grieving process, but dammit-- sometimes it hits me out of nowhere.

Do they treat this at Betty Ford?

2010-05-10T11:10:00.003-04:00

Friday night I had my first ever, undeniable baby kick... And now I'm addicted.

DH and I went out to dinner and were relaxing on the patio talking when suddenly I realized that I was not only feeling something push in my lower left abdomen, but that it was dragging itself along my tummy for a good 1-2 inches. Then I felt a little tap.

My eyes got wide and I gasped, slapped my husband on his arm and exclaimed that I just felt my first baby kick. I described it to him in agonizing detail (also demonstrating on his arm) and during this process, felt another little tap.

If it wouldn't have made that dragging motion, I probably wouldn't have been paying attention, but that was just so distinct that I was absolutely floored. I kept cheering for the baby to do it again and immediately texted my entire family. I was wigging out like you would not believe!

Since then it's just been back to the popcorn popping feeling and an occasional nondescript squirmy motion feeling (the two things I had with Jude) but the actual kick just floored me. I can't wait to feel it again!

How do you measure, measure a year?

2010-04-28T15:42:00.009-04:00

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife

In five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?

How about love? How about love?
How about love? Measure in love

C'mon now, you know you wanna go ahead and hit play...

You know, I never really liked that song before, but recently a friend used it to describe her journey through infertility and subsequent IVF success and it just warmed my heart, having been there for that year of her life with so many ups and downs. (Congrats again my darling POF! and thank you for the beautiful flowers, you are so sweet and thoughtful!)

And now I find myself with an interesting 365 day, 180 degree turn of my own. And now the song makes a whole lot more sense--and of course, now brings me to tears.

So one year ago today, someone from my doctor's office called me and greeted me with the best news I'd ever heard-- "You're definitely pregnant!" but I think we all know how that story ended...

But today another person from my doctor's office showed me one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen-- my baby, with two glorious, functioning kidneys. Sometimes it *is* the little things in life that matter the most.

*sigh* Two very different April 28th's in my life, 365 days apart. But considering I can't have one without the other, I'll take them both for what they are.

So today with equal amounts of happiness, hope, and bittersweet wishes, we'll keep choosing to hold onto the love for both of our sweet little babies and let it multiply and thrive. And if I could speak to both of our babies right now, I'd thank you for everything you've brought into our lives over the past year and for making us who we are today.

The ultrasound also showed a crazy active little baby who was flopping all around, waving, and really putting on a ridiculous show. DH described it as s/he rebelling like 'NOOOO! I don't wanna take a bath! *insert distraction* Look Mom! Look what I can do!" But it really was glorious to see the little nugget in there, settled in for the long haul. (And hella cute, right?!)

The u/s tech asked if we were going to find out the baby's sex and I was like, "Sure--if it cooperates, after you're done with checking everything else. But if you can't tell, I promise not to cry. I really don't care either way and if all else fails, I'll find out on delivery day." ;-) She thought that was funny and a nice deviation from the usual "I MUST KNOW NOW!" vibe she usually gets.

And for everyone whose curiosity was piqued by mentioning she asked us if we wanted to know, the verdict was that it's too soon to tell. We were given a guess at our NT scan and one today and they're totally conflicting, so we're going back May 24th for a full anatomy scan and most likely it'll be more obvious then. And if not, we'll find out in October. ;-)

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned
Or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned
Or the way that she died

It's time now to sing out
Tho' the story never ends
Let's celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends

Remember the love...Seasons of love
Measure your life, measure your life in love

Mental health day

2010-04-26T12:43:00.003-04:00

Today, I gave up. Stress had been creeping up on me over the past week, giving me a wicked eye twitch and yesterday the stress headaches started and won't let up. We also had to attend a funeral yesterday for one of my friend's moms who we adored who passed away after a brain aneurysm.

So this morning when my alarm clock went off and my head was pounding from the tiny bits of light coming through our curtains, I gave up. I texted back and forth with my boss a little bit (seriously, best.boss.ever!) and agreed that I could stay home and do a little work from here. I knew I'd be useless if I went in.

I slept in with a pillow over my head until my eyes weren't bothered by the light anymore and I've spent my morning on the couch, alternating between doing work and just playing around on the computer. All in all, probably more work than I probably would have gotten done in the office.

So maybe this is the easy way out to cheat my way 1 day closer to our ultrasound on Wednesday, but you know what? Fuck it. ;-)

A good pick-me-up

2010-04-21T16:26:00.005-04:00

I've been feeling more than a little apprehensive and freaked out over the past day or two. Having our kidney function ultrasound next week has dredged up memories of our anatomy scan last August... And it's left me feeling a little shaken.

I know that it's very unlikely that the same thing happened again or that there's anything else wrong. When those fears surface, I do my best to squash them. But then when I try to envision being given happy news, it's bittersweet that we didn't get good news last time. I hate to be greedy, but I want both of my babies here with me.

But I just had an unexpected interaction in the bathroom with a coworker. She asked me how I was feeling and if we were finding out if it's a boy or a girl. She asked if we found out last time, but then started to stop when she remembered that I hadn't carried the pregnancy to term. I just smiled and replied that yes, we did find out when I delivered and we had a little girl. She said that was sweet and then went on to ask about names and we discussed that for a little bit.

It felt good to say that I delivered a little girl. I may not get to walk around with her in my arms every day, but every day I walk around with her in my heart. And it felt good to say that out loud.

In other news, I've been getting more belly bubbles and starting to get that seasick feeling of something rolling around inside me--but nothing distinct yet. I'll be sure to keep you posted on progress.

Good news

2010-04-12T15:13:00.003-04:00

When I went for my NT scan, they said it would take about two weeks for my bloodwork results to come in--that would be this Wednesday. So of course I called today!

The good news is that my bloodwork came back well within the normal range and I'm considered 1/5288 risk for Down's Syndrome and 1/10,000 for Trisomy. Combine this with the good ultrasound results and I'm feeling good. ;-)

16 days until our kidney function ultrasound! I've got sometime going on every night this week (all very fun stuff with friends and a wedding this weekend) and I'm sure next week will fill right up, so I'll be keeping myself busy in the meantime.

xoxo

Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future

2010-04-06T11:11:00.001-04:00

Things continue to move along at a steady pace and for that I am very grateful. But honestly, I have no idea what has come over me that I'm able to keep my spaz-tastic self at bay. I remember all too vividly the way that I used to mentally WILL the clock to keep clicking hours/days during the first trimester of my pregnancy with Jude... But this time it's just very different.

I've had no problems seeing people and not telling them--last time I was bursting at the seams to tell anyone who looked so much as glanced my way. I've been keeping myself occupied and (gasp) sometimes not thinking about it at all.

That said, the secret was let out of the bag last week after a successful NT scan. I went back and forth on whether or not I wanted to post it on Facebook, but in the end decided that I was actually more comfortable with a mass announcement than actually having to tell people. Call me weird, call me crazy, but that's just how my mind apparently is working nowadays.

Like I said, the NT scan was great. The nuchal fold was measuring either 1.1 or 1.5 (they look for anything less than 3) and my bloodwork results will be back in another week or so, but I'm hopeful for good news.

Today marks the 1st day of my 2nd trimester (going by the official 13w3d dating system) and I'm excited to be cruising toward my kidney function ultrasound which is 3 weeks from tomorrow.

Can it really be that I can consider myself out of the woods in 3 weeks? Is this really happening, for real, and for sure? *grabs the light at the end of the tunnel and hangs on for dear life*

The weird gets weirder.

2010-03-31T08:50:00.000-04:00

For the record, I am NOT a person who typically believes/looks for signs... but seriously so many things have popped up lately, I feel like the universe is sending me a ridiculous amount of messages lately!

So we decide to name our Potters Sequence baby Jude after the patron saint of lost causes, no matter what gender. I grew up a total Beatles fanatic, so it's not long after deciding this that I take a little comfort in the song "Hey Jude," even though it was written for a very different purpose. Later I find out the song "Hey Jude" was originally released on August 26th, 1968... and we found out our bad news about Jude on the anniversary of the song 8/26/09.

On my way to my first ultrasound appointment about 6 weeks ago, Howard Stern was playing an old interview with--who? Julian Lennon, John Lennon's son and the boy "Hey Jude" was written for. Hmm... very weird.

Then I find out my due date is 10.9.10 (due date with Jude was 1.9.10).

THEN I find out that 10.9 is John Lennon's birthday.

Seriously!?! There are too many bizarre connections here and I feel like I can't really ignore them. Maybe I'll just take it as my Jude being on the other side, letting me know that she's okay and is very happy for us.

Little victories

2010-03-16T12:46:00.002-04:00

I had a great doctor's appointment this morning. It was great for the following reasons:

- I was in/out in about 15 minutes.
- All of my bloodwork and tests (usual 1st tri stuff) from my last visit came back a-okay.
- My blood pressure was perfect
- I've gained about one pound at 10 weeks--I think that's pretty darn good!
- I'm scheduled for my NT scan on 3/31... Two weeks from tomorrow!
- I'm scheduled for our kidney function ultrasound on 4/28
- I got to hear a fabulous, strong and steady heartbeat at 160BPM!!

Needless to say, I am a smiling fool today. It's a warm and lovely day here in NEOhio, we're headed out to celebrate my BFF's 30th birthday tonight, and in general all is right with the world.

I hope more good things are on the horizon for my friends and family, too. A nice handful of my awesome friends could really use some good news. Hint, hint, universe!

I am not alone. Again.

2010-03-11T14:30:00.002-05:00

That feeling--it's back. I finally feel it. I'll have to go back and check my archives to see when it first arrived with Jude (all I remember is the New Kids on the Block concert) but over the past day or two, I finally feel like someone is down there like a Who down in Whoville, letting me know that they're there and they care.

I hear you loud and clear, little bugger. And I'll keep doing what I can to take care of you every day for as long as you let me.

Clearly it's too early for movement or even to have a visible bump (I was also shocked to discover this morning that I haven't gained a single pound--which is bizarre because my hunger pains have me acting more than a little Al Bundy), but there's just something that's different lately. I just have this strong feeling like another soul is taking up residence in my ute, making me feel content and cozy that life is good.

Thanks, little bugger. Momma loves you and appreciates you making your presence known more than you'll ever know. XOXO

Storytelling

2010-03-02T15:11:00.001-05:00

Last night I finally started a new pregnancy journal. I wanted this baby to have a record of it's own of our journey together, one separate from Jude's. It was weird to be writing about our reactions to finding out I am pregnant again and our first ultrasound so late after the fact, but I've got some entries planned for the near future to make up for lost time.

I had gone out journal shopping a few weeks ago and didn't find anything I liked, but then last night I remembered that someone had given me a journal after we lost Jude and had included with it these two sweet coins that said hope and love--I tied them to the ribbon bookmark in the center.

In a way, it felt like a lie to not mention Jude because their stories are so interconnected. Still, I felt it was important to start something new, to make it clear that this isn't a replacement baby or Jude 2.0. This life is indeed Baby #2, with it's own story.

Eventually I'll probably give this baby both journals, so I guess it doesn't really matter. I'm also still writing in Jude's journal fairly regularly, even though it's more for my continued healing at this point than for any other reason.

We also haven't decided when or how we'll share Jude's story with our child. But the good news is that we have a long time before we have to decide anything like that.

In the meantime, I'll just try to keep telling both of their stories.

How did I not notice this before?

2010-03-01T09:58:00.001-05:00

Jude's EDD: 1/9/10
BabyMSC's EDD: 10/9/10

8 weeks and counting

2010-02-28T18:55:00.004-05:00

Hi all.

I'm sorry that I seem to have gone quiet again. I guess I haven't had much to say--things have been going well and I'm just waiting patiently for this little babe to keep cooking.

For the most part, I feel great. I don't feel particularly anxious--somehow I, Miss Ultra Control Freak, have been able to let go of any semblance of control I may have over this pregnancy. Time seems to be passing relatively quickly and yesterday marked 8 weeks.

I seem to have avoided morning sickness again (WHOOHOO!) and really my only syptoms are being really tired and I have the normal aches and pains. Nothing worth complaining about (well, to you. DH has to hear about it all.the.time!)

For the most part, I've been able to remain positive and confident that everything is going to be fine. Sure, I had a wee bit of a panic attack before our first appointment and I have had moments where I'm just thinking about something simple like an appointment and I realize that my mind has wandered off to thinking about how I'll react when it happens again... I know it may sound a little crazy, but when your only previous experience you have to draw from is an unhappy ending, I think it's fairly normal to have moments when you almost assume it will happen again. I just try not to dwell on it too much and switch my thinking to how great things will be.

I think about Jude a lot, especially her delivery. I can't help but think it's going to make this delivery bittersweet. With any luck, I'm going to be delivering a happy, healthy baby, but I can't help but wish that Jude could have had the same chance.

I think about what it was like to be in the hospital and deliver her, unsure if I wanted her to be born alive or already peacefully passed and anxiously waiting for someone to give me an indication either way and being too terrified to look for myself.

It's hard. It's still really, really hard. I love this little miracle baby that I've been given, but it's just going to make this all so different than what people normally experience. I'm sad that we've lost our innocence. I'm sad that when we hold this baby, I know our minds will go to what it felt like to hold our sweet, silent baby.

Sometimes shit just isn't fair.

Oh hey, guess what?

2010-02-18T14:21:00.002-05:00

I'm pregnant!

Yes, really. I found out three weeks ago today, hence the blog background change to make my ticker magically "disappear." OOOOHHH! Fancy tricks!

I'm sorry for holding out on you, but I wanted to wait until our first appointment because there are a few friends that I know IRL who read this blog and I had a few things I wanted to square away before letting anyone know.

You'll probably notice a handful of posts you haven't seen before. I'm about to hit publish on a few I've been writing/saving as drafts since I found out.

See? You can't say I wasn't at least thinking about you, dear readers! ;-)

There s/he is Miss/Mr. America!

2010-02-18T14:19:00.001-05:00

So this morning DH and I ventured out to meet with the midwife and have our first ultrasound. Everything looked great and the minute the little nugget was up on the screen and clearly pulsating, DH promptly dissolved into tears. Sweetest!moment!ever! In that moment, I fell in love with him againx7000.

Our little monster is measuring a few days ahead of schedule, which is exciting and promising, but I know that it's easy for measurements to be off by a day or two. I feel like it's cheating, but my new EDD is 10/9/10. Either way, we should be having a little libra in mid-October.

And as for something odd and sweet to file in the "strange coincidences" box, when I got into my car this morning they were playing old interviews on Howard Stern and Julian Lennon was on--the son of John Lennon and the boy that Paul McCartney wrote "Hey Jude" for. Very strange coincidence, right?

I still struggle with the things happen for a reason/there's a greater plan stuff, but for now I'll just take it as Baby Jude giving me the heads up that she's a-okay and on board with this.

Oh and BTW, this new baby is already making his/her presence known--she's giving me gray hairs! I had 3 new ones pop up last week (together, overnight! I check every.single.morning along my hairline PLUS two gray eyebrow hairs! WTF?!?!

*sigh* You know what, I'll take it! ;-)

(Assuming) No news is good news

2010-02-15T12:55:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow marks 6 weeks--and boy does it seem like longer! I guess that's one disadvantage of finding out that you're pregnant at 3w2d... It's a long wait to be out of first trimester.

I'm still feeling pretty good about things. I have the normal random pains here and there and both the fatigue and insatiable hunger have set in... So to me, everything seems pretty normal. I peed on my last stick about a week ago and the test line is now darker than the control line, so I think it's time to just put the peesticks down.

We've told my family, but not DH's. I didn't want to have a big hullabaloo like we did last time, so I told my family and BFF while we were all sitting down on couche together, hanging out. I just didn't want hugs and tears. It didn't seem right to be jumping and down crying over a new baby. I told my dad on the phone a few days later. I spend tons of time with my family, so it would have been nearly impossible to keep it from them--and quite frankly if something went wrong, they'd be the first to know about it.

DH's parents are out of town through March, so I don't know if he's decided when to tell them. I think he's waiting to see how our first appointment/ultrasound goes on Thursday. Cross your fingers for a flickering little heartbeat!

I'm rereading "Still to be Born," a book about infant loss and subsequent pregnancies. I read it a few months ago and got a lot out of it, but I thought it might make sense for me to read it again with fresh eyes. Again, I had to skip the section that talks about all of the different types of loss and risks because I just can't think about it. I can't worry about everything that could go wrong--because in many ways I'm still dealing with what did go wrong. And that's plenty for me thankyouverymuch.

Which brings me to uncomfortable moment #1: I was hanging out with my dad and his girlfriend...wait--My stepmom. (They got married on Friday!) Anyway, she reached over and rubbed my belly (BAH! PERSONAL SPACE INVASION!) and started to talk excitedly about how great it will be that our new baby will be so close in age to my neice--they'll be just under 2 years apart.

For some reason, that hit a raw nerve. I mean, sure--We wanted to start having kids so their cousins wouldn't be too far off from them. I hope they are great friends--but saying it like it was some new great discovery made me feel like it was discounting the child that would have been 1 year, 2 months apart from my neice. So yes, it's good... but in my heart at that moment it just wasn't good enough. I know she was trying to be excited and say something supportive, but it honestly just made me want to say that sure-- just under 2 years apart is fine, but just over 1 year would have been much better. It's not like I need to have my baby acknowledged 24/7, but I don't like it to be ignored.

So in summary - the clock keeps ticking, I keep waiting patiently, I'm still working hard on things, but I'm so grateful to be moving forward.

Any renovation/small space experts?

2010-02-11T13:46:00.010-05:00

I have a problem. (Besides being fairly-moderately nutty.) It's my kitchen. It sucks.

Yes, I know you've heard people say this. You've heard them say that they have the *tiniest*kitchens*in*the*world. But here's the thing... I actually do!

Yep. That's it. In all of its approximate 8x7 glory. I know you're jealous, right?

A year or two ago, we busted out the soffets above the cabinets to squeeze out a bit more storage space. Whenever we get new ones, I'd like for them to go all of the way to the ceiling. For as small of a space that we have, we do pretty well on cabinets/storage. My issues are no countertop space and *gasp* no dishwasher.

So seriously, if someone would help a sister out to solve these two problems, I'd be forever in your debt.

I'm landlocked and budget locked on expansion (it's wedged between the living room, dining room, and stairs to the basement with no extra room in those spaces available). So with this layout, how would you rearrange things to fit in a dishwasher and squeeze out a little more counter space? Am I missing any floor plan options?

For example, do you think if I moved the doorway to the basement to the dining room, opening up that wall for use, that I could move the fridge over there and slide down the oven, leaving room for a dishwasher to open/close?

The meaning of the leaf and the teardrop

2010-02-06T15:09:00.004-05:00

When I was in the hospital, they gave me a card with a poem and the meaning of the leaf and the teardrop. I wanted to share it for all of you have experienced losses as well, in hopes that meaning brings you a little comfort.

A growing leaf, green in color, has fallen prematurely. It has separated from the tree of life and landed in a pool of water, of many tears. It is a dark moment. A human tear lingers on the freshly fallen leaf... before it turns brown.
Fallen.
Drifting aimlessly
on a sea of grief and pain
the leaf cradles a teardrop.
Offers refuge.
Embodies hope.
Just as winter awakens to spring,
our deepest sorrow harbors the seed of hope renewed.
Hope renewed.

by Susan Ring.

Do you think this would make me look crazy?

2010-02-04T13:42:00.004-05:00

Would I sound crazy to you if I confessed that I want to run right out and buy this pack n play?

When I was pregnant with Jude, I didn't buy anything. Just one shirt that I actually purchased before I was even pregnant because it was so.dang.cute.

As I had progressed further along and was rocking through my 2nd trimester, I took a few spins through Babies R Us and absolutely fell in love with this Pack 'N Play. I mean, it not only matches my living room perfectly, but hello? It's embroidered. And if you know me, you know I'm a sucker for anything embroidered.

UPDATE:
Um, yeah. I was googling around and discovered the pack n play for $80 at Big Lots (originally $179 when it was at BRU last year) and after a few phone calls to my local retailers, found and purchased one.

So maybe I'm crazy. Sue me.

Stupid blog template

2010-02-02T21:15:00.004-05:00

So I tried to update with a new background (new year, new look!) but that didn't work properly so I'm stuck with a boring blogger template that you've probably seen waaaaayyy too many times. I'm sorry for my unoriginal state. I'd like to say that I'm going to make up for it in content, but I'm afraid today is not the day!

YAY for it being a new month and for getting a little further into 2010 with nothing shit-tastic happening yet. I've been really busy with work and will be for the next few weeks or so--and you know what that means... minimal blogging/bumping time.

But the good news is that everything's good 'round these parts. I'm feeling happy, content, and positive about what the future may hold for us. Let's keep our fingers crossed that it's smooth sailing from here.

Enjoying what I have while I have it--and hoping it's forever.

2010-02-02T13:00:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I decided I would stop testing, but I still have a stack of HPT's at home to waste so this morning I caved and POAS'd again and saw two lovely dark lines! Fingers crossed that it means things are progressing properly.

I finally called my OB's office today and scheduled my first appointment with the midwife--I swear, I have mad pregnancy brain already. I've been forgetting EVERYTHING!

My first appointment is scheduled for 2/18 with the midwife, but I'm waiting for the nurse to call me back to discuss a modified monitoring schedule. I don't need/want all of that extra monitoring again, but I'd really like one early ultrasound. Show me a heartbeat, show me it's growing, and let me get on with my life. Ya know?

They will be checking me at about 16 weeks to make sure that kidneys have developed (the earliest they can verify they're there *and* functioning.) That's probably the day that I'll be sick to my stomach with worry.

I feel like in order for me to not be all freaked out, I need to be 100% positive and proceed as such. I already feel like I've been cheated out of so much with my first pregnancy, I refuse to be cheated out of any single ounce of happiness this go-round.

And if something knocks me on my ass (which I'm fully aware can happen) I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. But at least I won't regret enjoying what I have when I have it.

I refuse to regret this.

2010-01-29T14:41:00.004-05:00

I will not be the Jessi Spano of pregnancy. You know, all dancing around a room by myself, hopped up on No-Doz singing, "I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so... I'm so... SCARED, ZACK!"

No, that will not be me.

Something's come over me since I saw that 2nd line on the test and maybe it's just a temporary coping mechanism, but I feel this need to proceed like everything is going to be okay. I want to dive right into my October Mommies group, give up moderator rights to my fav. TTC message board, and talk about the future with certainty. Sure, I don't want to shout it from the rooftops just yet (I mean, hello... I'm still coping with my own shit, I'm not ready to pile anyone else's emotions on top of mine or listen to their fears) but I just want to savor every beautiful moment of this and just believe.

I figure that if I stress and everything goes fine, I'd have worried for nothing and cheated my baby out of every ounce of joy they're due. And if something goes terribly wrong, I will be absolutely devastated again. But why suffer before something actually goes wrong? What good would that do?

Exactly.

I refuse to regret one moment of this or apologize for having hope. Today is a good day and I hope there are many more miracles to follow.

xoxo

Pocket full of hope

2010-01-28T17:04:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I started to write a blog post about how I'd accepted that our timing was so bad and I was letting go of everything I was crossing my fingers for this cycle - a speedy trip back into the wonderful world of pregnancy and a picture-perfect October due date (potentially my last shot at a 2010 due date, depending on how my next cycle went). I was grateful to be back in the game, to know that my husband wants this as much as I do, and for the sense of peace that I've had for the past month.

And then today happened.

As I woke up this morning, my hand sort of rubbed across my tummy and I immediately thought to myself, "Nope, I'm not pregnant. It's silly to test this early, especially if our timing was that bad." But then as I started to roll out of bed, I knew that while I felt fine this morning, by noon I would be spazzing out at work, unable to concentrate. It would be better to put my mind at ease than to have a midday freak out.

I snagged a test, went to the bathroom, and threw it on the shelf before hopping in the shower, not even looking to see the control line pop up. After my shower I started my normal morning routine and after a minute or two, finally looked at the test...

And saw the faintest of faint pink lines!

Of course I immediately yanked the test apart, turned on another light, and tilted it a bit. Is it a shadow of a line? No, it's not grey--it's pink. I see the slightest bit of pink!

What to do? What to do?

I ran and turned on the coffee and planned on taking up a cup to DH before I left, like I always do. I was determined to stay calm and let him sleep a little while longer.

But when I walked into our bedroom, my alarm clock went off! I apparently had hit snooze instead of actually turning it off, so I ran over to turn it off. DH gave a bit of an frustrated, sleepy grumble and I couldn't resist crawling into bed, telling him that I was so sorry that I didn't turn it off properly and that I hopefully I could make it up to him--that I'd just seen the faintest of faintest 2nd line on a test. He smiled with his eyes closed, and said he loved me.

We talked about it for a few minutes and soon he was up and about. He's feeling nervous and cautious, but I think he sees the same glimmer of hope that I do.

Tomorrow marks 5 months since I delivered Jude and time has been kind to me. What felt like sharp pieces of glass in my heart for so long have softened a bit. Sure, it's not beach glass just yet but I know it's on the way and this news makes me feel like I've been given the most precious gift that I plan on treasuring and appreciating for each moment that I have this sweet baby with me.

Heh. Me--a mother of 2! Who wouldda thunk it?

Come out, come out wherever you are!

2010-01-19T20:59:00.004-05:00

Did you know that it's De-Lurking Week?

Neither did I! Not until I read it on Mrs. Bro's blog.

So here's your chance. Make your presence known in the comments section by asking me a question--anything--that you'd like to know about me or my experiences. I'd be happy to answer to the best of my ability.

You know that I'm an open book, so go for it!

xoxo

A deeper understanding of acceptance

2010-01-07T11:35:00.001-05:00

Everyday when I walk into work, I'm greeted with a huge billboard with the date and a list of employee birthdays. It's a nice touch and I usually give it a glance to see if there are any familiar names, but this morning I paused when I read the date: January 7th, 2010.

I know I've already mentioned that my EDD is approaching and I'd already seen that poster twice this week so I shouldn't have been that surprised, but for some reason the creeping date just made me stop for a moment and let it sink in a little further that it's finally here.

I don't have much to say about it. It's weird, but it's just a part of my life that I can't change. It happened. And 1/9/10 will be no worse a day than 8/26/09 and the days that followed. It's so weird that it's been four months since we let the baby go and thankfully time has been kind to me.

I guess I thought I'd feel worse this week, but I've just been forcing myself to focus on what is vs. what could have been--because what's the point? Wishing and wondering won't change reality. I am not a full term pregnant woman-- and I never was.

I look exactly like I did one year ago, but somehow I've changed. I've been to hell and back and survived.That's still very shocking to me. I'd say it's pretty amazing, but I know that so many people have been through much worse and survived.

When it all first happened, I was sort of thankful that if we were going to lose the baby that we were in a situation with a clear diagnosis and that we wouldn't be jerked around with hope. It was what it was. It made it easy to understand what we had to do--but it wasn't true acceptance.

When I was reading about grief, oftentimes they mentioned denial and bargaining as stages, but it was weird--I never went through that. I kept saying that I accepted it, but only now do I understand what acceptance is. And it's not even something that I'm sure that I can put into words. I had to go through months of sorting out what I felt, what I had lost, and how this fits into my life now. And it made me really sad, realizing the magnitude of what happened and how this will stay with me forever. And it was in that darkness and quiet that I just finally said okay--I give up.

I knew from the very beginning that while it had broken our hearts, it wouldn't break us. We could handle it and we did--even though we didn't want to. We've emerged stronger in many respects and very vulnerable in others--and I don't see anything wrong with being more sensitive to loss. It makes you a better friend and person.

I don't know how or why this actually happened and I refuse to speculate because it won't change anything. I wont say that anything good came out of this because the best thing didn't happen. As much as I hate it (and I hate this phrase), it is what it is.

A brighter tomorrow

2009-12-29T15:02:00.004-05:00

So the weight that I felt lifted a few weeks ago has stayed away--and to that I say hoorah! I'm still feeling good--more myself than I've been in a long time. I feel like it's here to stay.

That said, a very important date/hurdle is approaching: My EDD of 1-9-10. And I'd be lying if I said that I didn't feel more than a little conflicted about this.

On one hand, I've been feeling better and I feel like I can power through it using my holiday mantra of "Today is what it is, not what it was supposed to be."

Part of me is shocked that this day ever came--it felt like something looming off in the distance... An surreal abstract date that would never arrive.

But it's here. And you know what we're going to do? We'll be getting up at the crack of dawn on Saturday, January 9th and we're hopping on a flight to Mexico that will have me with a cocktail in hand by lunchtime.

I figured that if I'm going to be all sad and distraught, I might as well do it on a beautiful beach, surrounded by sand and warmth. And did I mention cocktails?

And all I can say is, "Keep 'em coming!"

My mantra for today/tomorrow

2009-12-24T13:20:00.001-05:00

After two mimosas and a Christmas Ale, I had this revelation in the shower (that's where the magic always happens):

Today is what it is, not what "it was supposed to be."

I think I'm going to live this for the next day or so.

Turning the corner, seeing the light

2009-12-22T09:16:00.004-05:00

It's happened a handful of times that when I vocalize that I'm starting to feel better, a shitstorm blows in and turns everything upside down again.

But it's been 5 days of feeling good--normal, in fact. I think you saw the first evidence of this on Friday when I posted that we booked our trip to Mexico--well, to go along with that I decided that I'm back on my healthy eating bandwagon, so I've been leading a fresh fruit and veggies assault. After a day or two of adjusting, I feel really good physically as well. So we're on our way, yes?

I feel like I've turned a corner. I think the end of 2009 is bringing some closure and I've completed some tasks related to the baby that I wanted to--addressed our medical bills, wrote her birth story, and OH! Wait! I forgot to tell you a few things!

Yesterday DH said he got a call from both the hospital billing department and the genetics counselor. The billing department is going to make some adjustments to our bill (YAY!) and I've been approved by my insurance company for Fragile X testing, bloodwork, and they're working on getting our kidney ultrasounds approved. I had sort of written off genetic testing as a possibility, but if insurance will cover it, why not go for it?

Yesterday was the winter solstice, aka "the darkest night of the year" and I decided to look at this occasion as a renewal of sorts--from here on out, things will get brighter and maybe if I just focus on the light, we'll get there faster.

Thank you for sticking with me in the darkness. I don't even know how to begin to express my gratitude for the endless support you guys have given to me.

xoxo

Wait, can I point out something odd?

2009-12-19T11:08:00.002-05:00

My first cycle TTC started on 12/18/08. Yesterday my period started on 12/18/09 and this could maybe be our first cycle TTC after a loss.

Isn't it weird to start your period on the same day, one year apart, especially I've never been a clockwork person and with a weird 5 month pregnancy interlude and post labor & delivery wait for a period?

Anyway, just wanted to point that out.

Good things! Fun things! Vacation!

2009-12-18T09:55:00.002-05:00

YIPPEE!! Ready for a quick change in tone?

We booked our vacation (for my "fauxternity leave" as I'm calling it) last night January 9-16 for Mexico. Really looking forward to fun, sun, and cocktails! WOOT! We got a great deal on an all-inclusive with great ratings and we're pumped. Now I have less than a month to drop the weight I gained while TTC earlier this year--and I *WILL* do it, even with the holidays in the mix. I'm an excited and determined woman!

AND! I think I've convinced DH to take another trip in May to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary. I really would like to go to Belize, but January's weather there is too iffy, so I mentioned the idea last night and he was super open to it. YEAH!

AND! I got a holiday card from the White House yesterday. How cool is that? I'm on the President's friggin' Christmas card list. Guess those endless hours volunteering with the campaign paid off!

AND! It's Friday and I got an unexpected holiday bonus this week! I was the only one who got one because I'm awesome. Just kidding. We had layoffs last year and they don't normally do bonuses, but they wanted to thank us for working hard with less staff.

AND! Aunt Flo moved into town, so that marks two normal cycles. My ovaries are so awesome, it's like they're a well oiled machine. *pets ovaries* Way to go, girls.

Today marks 1 year since we started to try for a baby and you know what? I don't frigging care. It's a damn good day and I'm going to enjoy it. (And no, I don't have an answer on when we'll be trying again. And I'm okay with that.)

xoxo,
MSC

Jude's Birth Story, finally

2009-12-15T17:34:00.002-05:00

It’s taken me a few months to get to some things with Jude’s birth story being one of those items. It’s not that I didn’t want to write one, but I just hadn’t put all of the words together to properly articulate what it was like to meet my daughter for the first and last time.

So here it goes… Beginning to end. It's going to be a long one--I want every memory of this written down while I can still recall it.

After waking up in the morning, blogging a few times, and talking to my tummy for a bit, I went about my usual routine of showering, getting dressed (wondering if I should wear clothes that I hated in case I never wanted to wear them again because “that’s what I wore to the hospital”), I dutifully packed up some items for a friend’s engagement party that I was supposed to be co-hosting and dropped them off to the other co-host.

Luckily, we decided to take a quick trip through Taco Bell for my final meal, as I figured I wouldn’t be allowed to eat for awhile in case I needed a D&C.

When I arrived at the check-in desk at labor & delivery, the woman immediately looked at me and was like, “You must be MSC.” Apparently having barely a bump at all makes it obvious you’re the 21-weeker who is coming in to say goodbye.

The obgyn from the original office who send us to the specialist spotted us from across the room and came over to tell us that he was sorry to see us there and asked how we were holding up. I’m fairly certain I choked out something like, “This fucking sucks,” because quite frankly—that’s about all I said for the first week or so.

The nurses were wonderful and kind, but I wondered why they kept explaining things to me over and over and asking me the same questions. I realized later it's because they know that you might not be thinking clearly. I had expected things to move really quickly, but in retrospect they really did try to handle me with gentle gloves, not rush things, and not rush us out of there, which I really appreciated.

I seem to recall our arrival time being 10 a.m. or so, but I didn’t have my first cytotech pill until 1:00... Something like that. The timetables are hard to remember now. Anyway, they put a pill in to soften and dilate my cervix and then I'd wait an hour before I could move around.

After we were settled and the images of a speedy, dramatic delivery were out of our heads, we called our families and allowed them to come and visit. I had initially resisted this because I didn’t want to infect them with what I assumed would be a horrific, traumatic memory.

Both sides of our families visited and during that time I felt surprisingly good—I was able to chat, crack jokes, and remained very, very calm and relaxed. I kept focusing on keeping myself from tensing up because I did not want to fight the cytotech and make this a longer process than it had to be. I even got to catch Wheel of Fortune, where I got almost every single puzzle before the contestants. (Go me!)

I didn't have any effects from the pill until 9:00 p.m. or so. As my sisters left for the evening and I went to make a bathroom run, I started shaking like crazy and freaked out a little. DH called to the nurse who said it was a normal side effect, so I was able to calm down enough to get myself out of the bathroom and back into bed. Turns out I was running a fever, so they covered me in a ton of warm blankets.

They kept having to up my doses, eventually taking the drug in maxed out doses both orally and vaginally (crushed). The cramping was super light and mild--kind of like a period, no biggie. I kept saying that I had a cervix of steel. It made me feel better to know that my body was operating in the proper manner and trying to keep this little one inside of me like a good mommy.

Somewhere around midnight the anesthesiologist came in to see if I wanted my epidural. They said because of how many doses they gave me that they wanted to go ahead and do it early because you can go from zero pain to a "10" pain really quickly and without warning. I went ahead and did it, but I kind of wish I would have held off--the epidural made it impossible for me to move one of my legs, which was painful during the night. I had to call the nurses every 2 hours or so to help me flip over. As you can imagine, I don’t do well with feeling helpless, so my self esteem sort of took a hit here.

I started to have a panic attack before they put the epidural needle in because I was terrified. I didn’t want to be there and I never wanted an epidural for any childbirth experience. It made me feel like things were finally happening and progressing and that the moment of truth was coming closer, despite my best efforts to stay mentally in my happy place.

The nurse, Melissa, was so wonderful. She told me about losing her daughter after a year in the NICU and how she understood what the loss of a baby was like. I told her that I had been trying to treat this like a miscarriage (and I recognize how awful miscarriages are, I just mean in the terms of not seeing the baby afterwards. Miscarriages are also heartbreaking losses of a child—we are in the same awful club here.) and she was just like, This is not a miscarriage or something that’s going to just disappear. This is your baby and you’re her mom. And the sooner you act like it and treat it like it, the better off you will be.

Truer words were never spoken. It changed everything for me. I think I needed someone to validate that this was my daughter and that I should say goodbye to her instead of pretending this all never happened. After that they gave me a shot in my IV to calm me down and in went the epidural.

There were a few things I was scared to ask for because DH didn't want to see the baby, so during one of my checks where he left the room, I explained to my nurse Melissa about my apprehensions about seeing the baby. She promised me that if it was deformed she would tell me. She told me that if I couldn't hold/see the baby that she'd still do photos and footprints in case I changed my mind one day. And if I didn’t want to take that box of photos and clothes home, they would keep it for me at the hospital indefinintely.

I have low blood pressure to begin with and the cytotech made it worse, so alarms kept going off all night, even though I was okay. DH would only get 15 minutes of sleep at a time because he would have to get off of the pull-out couch to reset the machine—I felt awful for him. I knew he was an emotional wreck, he didn’t need to be sleep deprived on top of that. Anyway, I seem to recall my lowest blood pressure being something crazy like 58/30. LOW!

There are more details about the cytotech making me sick, but quite frankly I’d like to forget that.

I was in/out of it all night and through the next day. I didn’t feel any contractions unless I was holding my tummy, which I most certainly did not want to do, so I just tried to stay relaxed and breathe.

At one point, DH came into my room and told me that I wouldn’t believe who he just ran into in the hallway—his cousin. His cousin and his wife were giving birth to a healthy baby in the same hospital and the same day, right across the hallway. How bizarre is that? I immediately was like, “That’s great! Congratulations! Go and get him a card in the hospital shop!” but he was a little shaken up by this.

I didn't feel anything until the middle of the afternoon the next day--I had started to get sick and when I tightened up, I felt something drop. That’s it. I flipped my lid. I was convinced that my baby was in the birth canal and that this was it. My mom was in/out of the room, but trying to get the nurses to help me with the sickness and I just kept bawling and saying, “I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to do this. I don’t want this to be it.”

Soon afterwards, the doctor came in and checked me and said the baby was low, butt down, and starting to move a little, but not in the birth canal yet.

When they came to check me around 4:15 p.m. (so we were over the 24 hour mark at this point), the doctor said that it was time. My mom and husband had cleared out of the room for my check and I didn’t ask for them to come back—I just wanted to do this. They got everything ready and soon afterwards I was pushing--it wasn't hard at all and quite frankly I had no idea what I was doing or feeling. I didn’t even know when I was done because everyone was so quiet. Finally I just asked, should I keep pushing or am I done? I sort of saw someone wrap something up and walk it out of the room, but I couldn’t really see.

The doctor explained that I had passed everything at once—the placenta, the sac, and the baby, so he didn’t think I’d need a D&C, but he gave a quick look to make sure I was alright (and I was… finally some good news.)

The nurses helped to clean up and I heard one of them ask the other if they needed to use the green form for the certificate. The other one responded yes, so I was just like, So that means it was stillborn, right? They said yes—and I cried a little more and in a weird way I was grateful that she had passed peacefully in the only warm and wonderful environment she’d ever known. She’d never struggled for air or hated the sudden cold. They don’t monitor the baby's heartbeat in these types of situations (probably not to freak you out when they do pass), so I don't know when she died. But you know what? That’s okay with me.

Apparently my mom was there when they came through the hallway with the sac, so she followed them and watched them pull her from it, clean her off, and held her until I was ready. Later she told me that she sang her “our songs” aka the German lullabies that she sang us as children (we’re not German, but somehow it’s still a family tradition! We’re oddballs like that.)

The doctor came in and told me that they weren’t quite sure what the gender was because of the nature of the condition and that our paperwork would say gender unknown. I was okay with this because I had told them that we didn’t want to know either way—we had selected a name that we’d be using either way – Jude – after the patron saint of lost causes.

A little while later my mom brought her to me and I just burst into uncontrollable tears that I could barely see through. At first I could only uncover her face a little, let that absorb, then her hands, feet, etc. It definitely took awhile.

At 21 weeks, they're young—red and splotchy, but she was an amazing, adorable little baby and like all parents, I was instantly in love—but heartbroken. She was on her way to being such an beautiful little girl. And how could she look so perfect on the outside with so much wrong on the inside?

I counted ten fingers, ten tiny little toes (with tiny fingernails! Can you believe it?) and the most adorable button nose, full lips, and very chubby cheeks! Her ears and top of her head had loose skin from being pressed in my uterus without fluid, but I just kept the blanket over it. She was 10 inches long and 12 ounces—not bad at all for 21 weeks! Like I’ve always said, we make big babies in our family!

I can’t remember who visited when. I know my sisters came in together and we cried and marveled at how perfect she was in her own way. All we could do was stare and comment on all of the little things we noticed—like cute little eyebrows (DH’s hair color), my chin and chubby cheeks, DH’s nose, my slender fingers and bubble toes. There was so much to absorb in so little time.

DH’s mom and sister came in and it was sort of the same thing again… What do you really say at a time like this? She was beautiful. She was sweet. She was gone.

DH didn't want to see her at first, but changed his mind when our families had been in/out and said good things. I think it also became obvious to him that she wasn’t going to be whisked away immediately and that I was probably going to spend some time with her—and I think that was torture for him. I could hear him at the door and someone asked if he was going to go in. The curtain partition was up, so I was just like, “Okay. I’m going to describe the baby and you can decide if you want to come in.” After explaining her skin and saying she had my cheeks and his nose, he entered.

I had to do the same thing with him—only show a little at a time and he didn’t want to hold her. My dad came to visit and I started crying all over again and just choked out, “So I had a baby today…” After we visited for awhile, I asked him if he wanted to hold her and he said that he would if I wanted him to—which I couldn’t tell if that was his way of saying yes or no, so I just handed her to him.

DH came in while my dad was holding her and stood around for a while and finally said that he’d like to hold her. It was sweet and precious, but so hard to see him hurting so badly. I knew that I’d already been taking lots of steps toward dealing with this because I was the one who had to physically do this, so I knew he was a little behind in his grieving.

Throughout the process we had changed our minds on a few things—we were going to go ahead with the local funeral home’s offer to cremate her free of charge and DH wanted to have her blessed. When our nurse, Chantel, came in to fill out the paperwork for the blessing, she caught herself calling the baby “she” and when we sort of stiffened, she was like, I’m sorry—they’re not quite sure, but it looks like it was a baby girl.

More tears. Yes, I did sort of want a girl. But I would have cried a little more if she said boy at that point because I know DH sort of wanted a boy. We both would have been happy either way—we just didn’t want this ending.

Our families came in for the blessing and I could barely say or do anything—just looked at my baby and cried. I didn’t want to look at anyone else—I would see them again, but not my little girl. If this was all of the time I was going to get with her, I was going to savor every last moment. They had put her in a sweet, soft little dress—god only knows where they order them from, they’re so tiny.

They took the baby for measurements and photos and family started to trickle out after awhile—everyone was emotionally and physically drained. While I appreciated every ounce of their love and support, it was nice to have it just be the 3 of us for a little bit.

At one point I had to go to the bathroom, so I handed her to DH and when I returned, he was laying on the couch with her carefully perched on his chest and he said, “I just wanted to see what it was like.”

As if my heart hadn’t already broke into a million pieces that day, it happened all over again a million times over in that moment. I’ll never forget it and I’ll never be able to speak those words, look at them, or type them without crying for the rest of my life.

Our nurse Chantel came back with a digital camera (Thank god! I didn’t bring one because I thought it was weird and morbid, but now I’m so grateful for those photos) and we snapped a handful of us with the baby, her hands and feet. Unfortunately, the lighting was awful, so they’re hard to see and very discolored, but I’d rather have them than nothing.

All in all, we spent about 5 hours with her before we gave her back to go to the funeral home. I could see that her color was changing fast (getting more red/splotchy) so I felt like it was time to let her go.

The hospital staff was amazing. I really cannot say enough good things about them. They were unbelievably sensitive, attentive, etc.

The hospital gave me a lovely box that ties with a white ribbon—the symbolism being that when it’s untied, you’re opening your heart to your feelings and when it’s tied, you’re closing the book (for the time being.) In the little box, they wrote her name, birth stats, footprints and it has her photos, baby blanket (which was actually my baby blanket), her dress, and the shell they used for her blessing.

Seeing her, taking photos, and having these mementoes seemed so morbid going into the whole process. I am not the type of person to dwell on things. But I'm glad that I forced myself through it. I know what my baby looks like, I know that I touched, held, and sang (well, kinda. I tried and cried instead) and gave her everything I could offer. That is what makes me smile instead of cry today. But it's one of the things that got me through—to remember that I had a baby that I loved and gave the best life I could give, even if she couldn't stay.

The things we tell ourselves

2009-12-02T16:26:00.002-05:00

I've noticed that for the past few months, I keep telling myself that because of what I've been through that I'm going to be rewarded in some manner--like I'm going to have more normal cycles (so far I've had one 33 day cycle--the shortest that I've ever had in my life), I'm going to get pregnant easily and when I want to (no, we're not trying yet), and that everything is going to go smoothly.

See? I'm a positive person. I've always believed that good things happen around us every single day and while we all have to endure pain, we don't have to suffer. (Thanks dad for that gem!)

This past weekend I was chatting with my aunt and she began to speak passionately about the role that the laws of attraction play in her life. I never put much faith in this belief system, but now it irritates me to no end and I found myself unable to even engage in a discussion on the topic.

Yes, it is a good thing to focus on the positive.
Yes, it is a good thing to remove yourself from toxic situations, people and thoughts.
Yes, it is a good thing to say what you want, ask for help from others, and work towards what you want.

But do I honestly believe that the universe will respond to my desires or pull negativity toward me? Oh hell-to-the-no. And quite honestly, to believe otherwise is only the illusion of control--not control itself.

I was confident that my baby was a good egg. I was having a wonderful, symptom-free pregnancy and was sure that things would go smoothly, I'd have a great birth, and I wouldn't obsess over every little thing. I cruised through What to Expect When You're Expecting without a care in the world, understanding risks but without a single thought that something could go wrong. I knew that if I did what I was supposed to do and took care of myself, things would turn out okay.

But you know what I've learned? We don't get to control shit. And just because this happened to me once and I feel that I'm owed a perfect pregnancy again, I know that it's not up to me. When we try again, I'm going to be right in line with everyone else, spinning the wheel and hoping that this time we get a winner. And when you don't know what it's like to pick the winner and all you know is an unhappy ending, it's hard to imagine otherwise.

I mean, so far 100% of my pregnancies ended in death. While that may seem a tad overdramatic to some, it is indeed all that I know at this very moment. Hopefully that will be turned around at some point, but right now that's where I am and I've realized that it's completely out of my hands if/when I will be on the other side of this.

So that's it, universe. I give up. I know that I have no control over the how's/when's/why's in life.

I'm not saying this to be morbid or to say that I honestly believe that this will happen again. I'm just saying that I have a clear understanding that this is completely out of my hands.

I've been told by a handful of my friends that they think I'm brave, strong, etc. But really? Right now I'm just playing the cards I'm dealt--and it's not like I had a choice. My heart (while broken) kept beating. So that's what I do every day--I show up because I didn't die.

I think bravery is actually found in facing these odds and spinning the wheel anyway. While I'm not there yet, I know I'll be there someday.

Then I will make the rounds to collect your compliments. ;-)

Coming to you from the bottom of a well... or so it seems

2009-11-15T21:34:00.003-05:00

This past week I felt myself turning into a total Bitter Betty--a person that I've never been before. Case in point: when I'm asked how I am in casual conversation with acquaintances I'm completely unable to offer the usual, "I'm fine/good. How are you?"

Instead I'm all, "Meh." or "I'm okay..." This is usually met with a blank stare while I try to muster up a smile or some type of half-hearted reason like, "Oh, we've just been really busy lately" instead of just blurting out, "My baby died," which is pretty much running on a loop when I run into people that I haven't seen in awhile.

Even when I'm posting on my beloved message boards, I feel like I'm this sad panda wandering around, bringing everyone else down by talking about how sad she is. And I wish I had more than that to talk about right now, but I really don't. This is my life.

Fuuuuucccckkkk... How is it possible that I'm feeling even worse right now than I was a month ago? Why does it feel like I'm living my life at the bottom of a well? I keep staying active, hanging out with friends, etc. but what I really want to do is just sit by myself and listen to some music (currently strung out on the Dixie Chicks and playing "It's so hard" over and over. I know... I'm a walking cliche.)

Today I googled around and was reading about the stages of grief, since I've been feeling so bitter lately--methinks it's my way of processing anger since I'm not a very angry person to begin with. So I've been trying to recognize my triggers, talk them out, and release them. So far it's working.

But as I was reading, this little tidbit came up:
Stage 4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

OH HEY! I know that girl! That's me and my deep dark well, isn't it?

So I'm glad to see that this is normal and that my knee-jerk reaction to be by myself is a not seen as a unhealthy choice. It made me feel justified in turning down dinner at my mom's tonight because honestly I just wanted to work in my yard, just me and my iPod.

The good news is that the next steps are an upward swing and acceptance.

So maybe I'll see ya 'round the bend. In the meantime, no throwing pennies down the well... I don't want to be pelted with loose change while I'm down here.

xoxo

$2079.56

2009-11-12T12:55:00.002-05:00

Just in case you were wondering, that's the total of the medical bills that I have sitting on my desk as we speak between my OB, the specialist, the hospital, the anestesiologist, and labor and delivery--$2079.56.

Say it with me: Fuuuuuuck!

Not too long after we got home, we got the bill of what insurance didn't cover, which was about $1,300. Okay, not great, but something I could deal with. I understand that even though we had a negative outcome, people need to be paid. People die all of the time and their families have to pay mountains of medical bills--I'm no exception to the rule.

But then more and more bills keep appearing, with a bulk of them arriving last week.

When DH told me on the phone what the running total was, I had a meltdown. Luckily I was stuck in some traffic so I wasn't really driving at the time, but I just started bawling. All I could think of was, "How much does it cost to have a dead baby? Over $2,000? Really? I'd rather be spending that money on a baby who gets to live."

So I told him that was all we were discussing for the evening--I was done for the night. I had to let that number sink in so that I could deal with it.

I've been walking around for a week with the stack of bills and insurance claims in my purse and today I finally took them out, coallated them together, and read through them. I called the anestesiologist's office first to ask a few questions (left a message), so maybe I can just take it a few each day--calling the doctor's office first to see what else could be covered, and then call my insurance company after that. Baby steps.

Worst case scenario is that we have to pay the full amount. Best case would be that someone, somewhere takes a little pity on me.

How do people get through these types of things without insurance? This would have been almost $16K if we didn't.

*insert big heaving sigh here*

Like looking in a mirror.

2009-11-11T16:30:00.000-05:00

I met a girl on the loss board last week who was going through something very similiar--she went in for the big ultrasound and it was discovered that the baby probably only had one kidney and it was covered in cysts as well as not working properly because she had almost no amniotic fluid. She was given some really awful advice by the first doctor she saw, so when I saw her post on the loss board, I had to find her and talk to her before any action was taken.

It took some hunting, but I finally tracked her down through her local board and someone was kind enough to share her email address with me. We emailed back and forth the rest of the day about everything--the condition, the prognosis, delivery options, what labor and delivery was like... everything. I had never put the entire birth story into words before, but I felt the need to do whatever I could to try to keep her from having the same fear of the unknown that I did.

She's since had her peaceful little girl, we've talked a few times and I would imagine that we'll stay in contact for some time. And in this totally selfish way, I felt an immense amount of relief in being able to talk to someone about my story who truly understood what I felt while all of those fears and thoughts were still fresh in my mind. I hope that I was able to help her navigate a scary situation and make it just a *teensy* bit less frightening and maybe impart some of what I learned from it all.

It just I think this is truly one of those situations that you cannot prepare for. You can not really know how you'll react, what you'll want to do, and what you'll need from people until it's staring you in the face. The best you can do is talk it out, prepare for any result/reaction, and then go with your gut when the time comes.

Kristen, I am so unbelievably sorry for your loss and I hope that you will think of every moment you had with your precious, perfect little girl and smile--even if some tears fall as well. You did an amazing thing and you're an incredible mother. xoxo

Coming out (again)

2009-11-10T11:22:00.003-05:00

Okay, the blog is going public again. The good that comes of it outweighs how hard it can be to put my feelings in such a public forum, although I have tried to do so anonymously.

Here's my request--if you know me in real life and have been given this address by me, please do not share it with anyone else. There is too much here that I'm trusting you with and need to be able to continue to trust that it will remain private.

And if you know me in real life and have gotten this address through other means, please delete the link. I need this secret space to heal and I need to protect it so that I can continue to feel safe and honest here.

This is my life and my baby. Please respect this.

Nice quote.

2009-11-09T15:13:00.001-05:00

I just thought I'd share one of the quotes from one of my loss books, "Still to be Born" that made me smile.

As for me,
I would rather be able to love
things I cannot have,
Than to have things
I'm not able to love.

-Merrit Malloy

Be careful what you wish for

2009-11-05T17:10:00.001-05:00

This is a post that I wrote after getting home from Vegas, but I hadn't finished it yet and thought I'd share anyway...

I always say if you're not around for your birthday, it doesn't count. So by that strategy, I'm technically 25--three tips to Canada, one to France and one to Vegas.

I just still have so much swirling around in my head and some of that is guilt--I wanted to have a baby before I was 30 so badly. And I did, but not exactly the way I would have liked for it to turn out.

I wanted to have one more vacation with DH before we had a baby at home, but he was concerned about vacation days and finances--and now I can.

I wanted to be like everyone else in my family and have a little girl, and they "think" that I did--but they were never 100% sure because with no renal system, there's no urethra to push through and make the sex organs more prominent. So I most likely got my little girl, but she's dead. And if it was a boy, that's a whole 'nother ball of issues since I had any sort of preference to begin with.

I guess in the future I should be a lot more careful and specific about what I wish for, shouldn't I?

I know, I know. It sounds nuts. But those thoughts are up there. I have to let them out to be able to recognize how unreasonable they are. But when they're up there together--that little list of all of the things that I asked for--they make you feel like a shallow piece of shit.

I know that deep down all I wanted was a healthy baby. I know that I would have loved any child at any time. But it's just all too weird that I actually did get the things that I asked for--just with a fucked up ending.

Just For Today

2009-11-04T10:19:00.002-05:00

Sometimes it's hard for me to find poems of comfort that aren't overly religious, but I read this one today on the loss board and thought I'd post it here as well. Sorry if this offends anyone, but hearing people talk about angels and god's glory does not comfort, heal or strengthen me.

But this--this made me feel a little better.

Just For Today
~by V.Tushingham, the Bereaved Parents of the USA Tampa Bay Newsletter, Sept 2001.

Just for today, I will try to live through the next 24 hours...not expecting to get over my child's death, but learning to live with it...one day at a time

Just for today, I'll remember my child's life, not his death, and bask in the comfort of the treasured days and moments we shared.

Just for today, I will forgive all the family and friends who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.

Just for today, I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child. For they are hurting too, and perhaps we can help each other.

Just for today, I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt. For deep in my heart, I know if there was anything in this world I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.

Just for today, I will honor my child's memory by doing something with another child, be it my own, or someone else's, because I know that would make my child proud.

Just for today, I will offer my hand in friendship to other bereaved parents, fo I DO know how they feel.

Just for today, I will smile...no matter how much I hurt on the inside...for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Just for today, I will allow myself to be happy and enjoy myself, for I know I am not deserting my child by moving on.

Just for today, I will accept that I did NOT die when my child did. My life did go on and I am the ONLY one who can make that life worthwhile again.

Decisions

2009-10-28T12:33:00.006-04:00

I'm trying to figure out if this blog will remain private or not--I'm already running into issues with only being able to allow access to 100 people (plus some important people that I have no idea how to contact).

I have a feeling that once I get over having people that I know in real life read this that I'll make it public again. And when I do, please forgive me for having to give you access to get you here. And for those who didn't get access and are reading this after the fact--please forgive me. I'm just... I don't know. I'm not "all there" right now.

I have this quandry because I want to keep coming here and being honest but it's hard sometimes. You want to be able to put things in writing, release them and walk away--and it's hard when it follows you.

I feel like every time I share this story that a little piece of me goes with it. I feel like sometimes on the miscarriage/loss board that there are people watching and lurking who haven't experience loss, which makes me feel like I'm an animal in the zoo being watched and analyzed in my native habitat.

On the other hand, I know that this blog has helped people--I know this because I've been told so by lurker and anonymous commenters. They say they happened upon my blog by accident or that they found my blog through the message boards and that my story has helped them to cope with theirs.

These are the people I can't reach and give access to. And hopefully I won't just be talking about loss forever, but with any luck, they won't either. And then we'll be able to share our stories about moving on.

I'm just really sensitive right now and very emotional. I know that I'm not the best decision maker and sometimes I'm not even that great of a friend.

There have been days that I've not responded to emails because at the moment I didn't want to talk and then forgot to reply completely. There are friends of mine who have suffered loss as well and when they check in on me, I forget to ask about how they're doing. That's shitty. I know it. I hate it and all I can say is that I'm trying.

And then I tell myself that it's only been two months. Shit. Two months tomorrow.

Heck, I know people who weren't over breakups in two months--and the other person didn't die! So I guess expecting me to be over it and ready to deal with things like I used to is a bit much to ask, isn't it?

I'm still standing on my own two feet, so I guess that's good. But I just feel like bad things keep happening to the people that I love and I'm exhausted by it. I've led such a charmed life--why all of this at once?

Maybe once I get a grip on a few of these things, I'll be able to get a grip on the blog. Just hang in there and be patient and understanding with me please.

My birth story, courtesy of me madre...

2009-10-25T11:10:00.002-04:00

My mom posted this on her blog as a tribute to me, so I thought I'd share it here with you guys. I think it's an interesting story with a happy ending!

Happy Birthday, #2!

[This is a couple of days late but still, very heartfelt...]

Wow, I can't believe it...MSC is 30. Three-zero. Zero-to-thirty in the blink of an eye.

You know, it's funny--I recall the early portions of my labors with #1 and #3 with relative ease. However, with MSC, her birth was so outstanding of an event that some of the early moments seemed to have faded. Yes, there are colorful graphic slides of this birthing experience safely tucked away in their special carousel...more slides than anyone should have. But MSC's arrival was one helluva trip and I'm glad there's some documentation because, frankly, sometimes I have trouble believing that it really happened!

I was due to deliver on September 30, 1979. Yet in August, because of my ballooning belly, the doctor hinted that I "couldn't get much bigger" and that I might deliver sooner than we thought--maybe even in August. Then throughout September, I continued to grow and was told the same thing: "soon, very soon." I had outgrown most of my maternity clothes, which were summer-y, and in the cooler fall, began to put together strange combinations of turtleneck sweaters that barely stretched to the top of my big belly, strappy voluminous maternity sundresses, knee-high cableknit socks, and Dr. Scholl sandals.

I was quite a sight. I clearly remember walking through a mall with my mother-in-law who was delighted in noting the stares of people walking by us--"Did you SEE how that person looked at you???" Well, having the appearance of a person who was very likely to drop a monster watermelon from between her legs at any given moment *did* get me out of paying some library fines. (She [looking straight at my huge belly]: "OH! When are you due?" me: "Today." She: "OOHH! OOOHHH!!" me: "I have some fines to pay on these books I'm returning." She: "No, NO--nevermind! Please. You should probably just GO HOME!!")

In mid-October, I was given a "non-stress" test to be sure that all was well with the baby--the verdict: "unbelievable, but still cooking." Late at night, I had visions of scenes from the movie "Alien" in which the creatures came bursting out of the humans' abdomens...I mean, how else was this child going to emerge?? Finally, on the evening of October 17, I felt the welcome labor pains. Woo hoo! We were going to have a baby!!

The details of the labor were a little clouded behind the 3 hour transition--especially since the transition phase is supposed to last about--oh, 45 minutes! But once I was "cleared" to push, it was like the heavens parted and the sun began to shine and I could hear choirs of angels rooting me on: "Push, PUSH!"

Yay, me! FINALLY!! Bloooop--there SHE was: MSC! (And they told me to expect a boy--HAH! WE don't do boys in this family--at least, not yet!) MSC with the chubby cheeks--well, chubby everything!--long straight silky black hair and eyes so very dark brown they looked black instead of regular "new-baby-blue." With no signs of being overdue, she weighed ELEVEN pounds THREE-and-a-half ounces--a hospital record-breaker! The pediatrician who examined her told me: "Ma'am, you've just given birth to a perfect three-month-old!"

Here is where I should probably explain myself. I had MSC naturally--no drugs and no anesthetics with the episiotomy. My parents were with us, as was my mother-in-law, dear sister-in-law, a friend who was a midwife and toddler #1, who handled the proceedings like a seasoned champ. So when you have an 11# 3.5 oz. baby under those circumstances, you say it just like that: "my largest baby weighed ELEVEN pounds THREE-and-a-half ounces and I had her naturally." That's how I say it. You want credit for every single bit of baby that emerged. Just saying "more than eleven pounds" just doesn't cut it. See, just 11 pounds might've been a bit easier--3.5 oz. easier. But she weighed ELEVEN pounds and THREE-and-a-half ounces!

The day we brought her home, the leaves were in "fall peak" yet it was unseasonably warm and sunny...a perfect golden day to bring home a perfect baby!

We were incredibly lucky that she was so large and healthy at birth because at 3.5 months, she was Ohio's first case of Infantile Botulism, a rare neurological disease. She was in the hospital, paralyzed, for four weeks. For the first week the doctors were stumped--they had never seen such a thing and it wasn't until later that a resident read about it in a medical journal. With no muscle activity, her face dropped like she'd had a stroke, her heart stopped at one point and her lungs collapsed, along with other related problems. All we could do was wait and hope--there were no antibiotics to help MSC fight it. But she was a fighter! Happily, after 4 weeks of waiting, MSC began to move and was released to go home soon after she began nursing again.

Following MSC's illness, she was a bundle of movement. She would wake early in the morning and sing with the birds. Too early, actually, and after singing her jibberish songs, she would fall back to sleep until a more reasonable hour. She walked early--she talked early--and having had quite enough time at home with Mom and Dad--she began preschool early. As we expected, she endeared herself to her preschool teachers--she was the bright, cheerful girl with the open face and deep dimples with pretty black hair that curled uncontrollably around her face as the day went on.

She was my "Little Chairman" who turned into a beautiful woman. MSC always fights for what she believes is right, she has a sensitive streak that remains close to the surface, she is extremely loyal to her family and friends, and she believes that being 'different' is more-than-okay. I am so proud of her--as I am of her sisters. And truth be told, the three of them helped make me into who I am today. I am always grateful for their company and their love.

So, happy birthday, MSC--you deserve it. And, of course, I'm so happy you're here...
xo mummy

My evening update

2009-10-22T22:22:00.003-04:00

Lindsy passed away a little before noon today. I ended up leaving work and got to say goodbye to her before they took her to the funeral home, though. We spent the afternoon/evening with her boyfriend and family.

*sigh*

It's just weird. I can't believe she's really gone, but the stillness in her room and body was one of the craziest things I've ever experienced. Apparently I'm sort of over my fear of dead things since losing Jude and being able to hold her, so I was able to sit by Lindsy and hold her hand. Crazy how things change.

But it's crazy-- since she hasn't looked like herself for awhile and she looked so weird this afternoon, it's like it wasn't her. I don't think this has really sunk in at all.

DH isn't home yet, but my cats are snuggled into bed with me to keep me company. I feel like I'm going to have nightmares tonight. Ugh.

You know that "good stuff" that I mentioned yesterday?

2009-10-22T10:30:00.004-04:00

Yeah. I don't have any today. UGH, WTF?!

Our friend Lindsy has been battling cancer for the past 4 years or so and sadly she is losing her battle--very quickly. A few weeks ago they sent her home from the hospital, saying there was nothing more they could do. When we saw her shortly after that, she was swollen and in pain. It was hard to see her like that.

Well this morning DH got the call that she's been out of it for the past day and they're expecting her to go soon. He went out to his hometown to be there and just called a little while ago and the picture he painted me was really upsetting.

Apparently she's laying in bed, not blinking but tears streaming down her face. Her tongue is hanging out like she has cotton mouth and she's panting/moaning.

I've heard people say how cancer is a vicious, painful disease, but I had no idea that this was what the end could look like. It's awful and I can't get it out of my mind. I feel sad and trapped right now in my little cubicle.

On one hand I want to rush out there and be there for her, but at the same time I don't want to see it--and I can't help but think that she's already gone. And in a weird way, I kinda hope that she is so that she isn't aware of any pain and anguish.

Ugh. I don't want her to die! This is just so awful. She's so sweet and kind and should have such a beautiful life ahead of her...

I want bad things to stop happening to the people that I love. Like, now.

I'm sorry.

2009-10-21T17:13:00.004-04:00

I'm sorry, you guys. I've been using this blog only for venting and exploring this cornocopia of emotions that I've been having and not taking the time to talk to you about all of the good things that are happening in my neck of the woods.

Maybe it's time for a little "State of the Union," oui?

Things are good. Really, despite my mini-meltdown this weekend and despite the fact that I've posted lengthy diatribes about my feeeeeeelings, I'm okay. Really. This has been hard, but it hasn't broken me or my DH. We are indeed stronger than ever and working every day toward this goal.

I have plenty of days that I think of my baby and smile. I have days that I'm grateful to have had her at all. And some days I actually do feel like me.

But for some godforsaken reason, on those days I apparently decide not to blog--maybe I've been only looking at this as an outlet for the sad. You're stuck with the short end of my emotional stick--and that really isn't fair, is it?

So here's my commitment to you--I promise to share some fun stuff soon. I promise that as more good stuff happens, I'll make sure you're at the top of the list to hear about it. I just don't want you to worry your pretty little heads in the meantime...

xoxo

Happy birthday to me

2009-10-18T12:27:00.003-04:00

I was supposed to be pregnant for my 30th birthday.

We had planned this trip to Las Vegas to visit my brother in law and see a few shows. We checked and double checked the dates and talked about what we'd do if I couldn't go because of any pregnancy complications, but again--I was confident that everything would be great and I'd be waddling myself around Sin City 28 weeks pregnant.

Earlier this trip we went to see The Beatles Love Cirque de Soliel (which, by the way, was FABULOUS!) but all of The Beatles music was getting to be a bit much for me to handle--and of course the nagging fear that if they did Hey Jude that I'd cry (which they did, and I did) but it seems like these feelings and sad thoughts are brought out by a ton of songs--Something in the Way, Yesterday, etc. So yeah. I teared up a bit, but held it together.

Then there was the Divine Miss M, Bette Midler (WHO IS FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!) Now anyone who knows me knows that I can be brought to tears by seeing someone perform that I adore, even if they're not particularly famous, so I knew tears would fall... but here I was again tearing up all of the way through The Glory of Love, The Rose, and Wind Beneath my Wings.

So here I am in Vegas, seeing great shows, drinking lots of beer and having a great visit, but inside I'm just so fucking sad that I'm here, having fun and drinking beer.

I knew it was the reason that I wasn't getting excited about leaving for Vegas, but it all came to a head last night. We had been out to the Hoover dam during the day, visited a brewery, and then decided to see the pirate show at Treasure Island and play around on the strip a bit.

At first I just felt a little bad about myself--how I look right now--and we were all just wearing shorts and t-shirts and we kept walking past people dressed up, waiting to get into clubs. You want to roll your eyes at them but inside you know you're a wee bit jealous, even if you'd never be caught dead dressing like that.

Then a few pregnant bellies waddled past me, the clock clicked midnight and here I was--30. Looking like shit, not pregnant, drinking beer in Las Vegas. Not how things were supposed to go.

Yeah. I lost it. I teared up walking through the casinos, so we headed for the car where I proceeded to bawl the entire drive home. This morning I still feel on the verge of tears and will probably have another good cry in the shower.

Further proof that when everyone thinks you should be all better, you aren't. It's been 7 weeks but passing a milestone like this has brought me to my knees and it feels like it was yesterday.

The good news is that today will be over soon and we head home tonight.

Welcome Aunt Flo!

2009-10-12T16:58:00.001-04:00

Never thought I’d say that, but I guess never say never, right?

While I expected this to be a bittersweet moment, I’m doing okay today. In fact, I feel pretty darn good. My body’s working within a reasonable amount of time and while I didn’t temp since I had the baby, I did temp this morning, so I’m starting from CD1.

Also, this gives me a little breathing room to have a fresh cycle (or two… or more…) until we start to try again. In a way, AF arriving on her own in a reasonable amount of time has made me feel optimistic about moving forward and less stressed.

But I still feel like in a way I’m going to be playing hopscotch for the next few months. If we try in early December, I could end up with a due date close to August 29th (uuummm, NO!) You don't want your kid's birthday to be celebrated around the anniversary of a sad occasion.

I'm willing to try later in December/Jan/Feb, but then I'd want to quit for most of March/April/May so that I don't end up with a similar due date to the one that I had with Jude. Having similar appointment dates would be like déjà vu, which would freak me out a little.

So that kinda leaves a narrow window, doesn't it? I mean, I know I’d be thrilled to have a happy, healthy baby at any point, but from everything I’ve read it just seems like the smart thing to do for now. Who knows? Maybe I’ll throw those ideas out the window later in the game, but for now that’s my plan.

Wasted

2009-10-09T12:28:00.003-04:00

I feel like I've wasted the entire year of 2009. I've wasted the last year of my 20s.

I spent the first part of the year hanging out on the interwebs and counting down the days until I ovulated. I read, researched alternative treatments for long cycles, talked to my e-friends, and stalked Fertility Friend religiously. I avoided contact with friends and family because I pretty much couldn't think of anything else to talk about... And if I was in the 2ww, I had to hide out because I wasn't drinking.

Then the BFP came--a little more hiding before we told people, as well as counting down the days/weeks until I was out of first tri and "safe." Lots of reading and researching, shopping (but not buying), journaling, and carefully navigating and obeying all of the pregnancy "rules." Then counting down to the big ultrasound and being able to shop.

And now here I am--counting down the days again. But not just until I can try again, but until I feel better and every day doesn't hurt so goddamn much. Until the day that I can tell someone the news of what happened without crying. Until the day that I can put away my baby's mementoes and not instinctively reach for her photo in a folder on my headboard because I need to feel her near me or have a sudden desire to see her cute little button nose. Until I stop tearing up at my cube at work writing effing blogs!

To add to this, I feel ridiculously boring lately, which makes me feel like I'm wasting time again. I mean, I don't mope about or anything like that. I don't cry all of the time. I mean I have my moments, but generally I'm in an okay mood. I'm just not as talkative and have a hard time answering the question, "Hey--what's up?" Because really? I don't have much to say if you're expecting me to carry the conversation.

Weeks are flying by as I look forward to each weekend so that I can be with my husband. I go to work, come home, hang out or watch Grey's Anatomy... But nothing is really going on. It's so quiet.

P.S. - I've decided that Monday's the day. I woke up this morning and after hitting snooze once, thought about temping. It'll give me time to bring it up to DH over the weekend so he knows and isn't awakened to the beeping sound and caught offguard. So there. All decided.

Baby steps

2009-10-08T11:42:00.001-04:00

Last night before I went to bed, I pulled my basal body thermometer out of my nightstand.

Then this morning when my alarm went off, I stared at it for a minute, thinking about temping.

And then I got into the shower.

The end.

Kudos to my ute

2009-10-07T11:32:00.001-04:00

I added my ticker to the top of the blog again, I haven't decided if I'm going to link it to my chart again or not. I'm not temping yet, so it doesn't really matter at this point. I was, however, shocked to log into Fertility Friend and realize that I had Jude 40 days ago. That's crazy.

I had my post partum checkup yesterday and my OB says that my ute and cervix are all healed and back to normal size/location. He also clarified on the timing in light of my long cycles--I don't have to wait two full cycles to try again, we should just wait about 12 weeks total. He said that's just a general timeframe that they give out for healing, but that I looked good already...

When I was in the hospital, I cracked a few jokes about having lady bits of steel because it took over 24 hours of cytotec doses and they kept having to up my dose... So it looks like I'm retaining my rockstar cervix status. I mean, I need *something* to be able to brag about, right?

So if I don't get AF by the end of the month, I can call for provera and after AF arrives would have me at the 12 month mark. I still don't know if we're going to TTC right away or not. At the moment my gut is yes, but things seem to change on a daily basis so I'm sorta reserving the right to change my mind. DH hasn't expressed his opinion other than this hasn't changed his desire to have children, but I know he has more issues to be working out right now.

The one thing I have realized and made clear is that I cannot have a similar due date to Jude--for a nice handful of reasons. In fact, I may need to block out a 3 month due date period (Dec/Jan/Feb) just to avoid it. So if we do try and don't get lucky right away, there will probably be a March/April/May break.

Granted, I understand that life has it's own funny sense of humor and could pull a fast one on me, but I just need to do anything in my power to not have similar pregnancy timing. I think it would just be too much for me. Jan 2011 should be Jude's 1st birthday and also? I was reading last night in one of my pregnancy/infant loss books about how it can make the 2nd child feel like more of a "replacement child" and that it's normal to be sad at that time of year, so it may make it hard to celebrate another child's birthday.

So... that's where I'm at with this whole "When will you have another baby?" conversation, so I just thought I'd share.

Dear 2009, Screw you. kthxbai!

2009-10-05T12:15:00.000-04:00

Yesterday my sister cracked a joke that 2009 needs to get the fuck over with before more bad shit happens. I cannot echo this sentiment enough.

For a year that started out so great, so full of possibility, it certainly has turned into a turd sandwich rather quickly. Not long after Jude's passing, one of our dear friends was rushed into the hospital due to complications from her cancer and cancer treatments and has now been sent home from the hospital with hospice coming in because there's nothing more they can do for her.

Are you kidding me? She's twenty-fucking-nine!! This battle with cancer has been going on for five years (it's a rare form) and if there was anyone I thought could beat it, it was her. All I can say is, "What the fuck?"

Really--Anything can happen to any of us, at any time. There's no rhyme or reason, no hiding from it, and nothing you can do to prevent it. This is disturbing yours truly (aka Polly Positivity) in a very deep way.

Last week we went to see a grief counselor for the first time. Unfortunately, neither of us liked her all that much and she said a few things that made me give her the ::sideeye::

First off, she didn't read any of my paperwork that clearly states that we're there for grief counseling. She was super weird with us in the waiting room like she didn't understand who we were or why we were there and then when we went into her office, she started to talk to us about what would happen if we got divorced--Yeah, um, lady? This is not an issue. Despite how hard this all is, we're openly communicating and madly in love. We're just really effing sad right now and want to make sure that we're moving through this all in the right way.

So that wasn't exactly a good start, but then throughout the rest of the appointment it just seemed like she wasn't following what we were saying, despite the fact she repeated every.single.thing. we said. It was really irritating. Plus, she said some kinda judgemental stuff to my husband, which had me annoyed on his behalf.

Anyway, today I called my insurance and got a new authorization to see someone new and cancelled our appt for this week with the old counselor. I'm not sure how someone goes about therapist shopping, but I guess it's something that I'll have to figure out on the fly.

My confidence is shot

2009-09-29T16:08:00.001-04:00

I thought I was such a pregnancy overacheiver. In fact, I was ready and poised to be named the valedictorian of TTC and pregnancy.

I got pregnant on the second cycle (4+ months) and got my positive pregnancy test like four days before someone should normally get a positive test. My bloodwork numbers were fabulous--and almost all of them had some weird number significance with me (which I don't normally pay attention to, but in this instance I thought it was so cool). My baby was always measuring a day or two ahead at my ultrasounds, my NT scan was glorious and the chance of Downs Syndrome was super low.

I tried to choose the right foods to balance everything out and get the right vitamins. I forced myself to drink enough water and only allowed an infrequent indulgence of soda--but no alcohol, no coffee/tea, etc. I didn't have morning sickness, I worked through the tiredness, and I tried to keep the complaining to a minimum. I understood the gift that I'd been given and I wanted to do everything in my power to make it a success and keep the good vibes flowing.

Even when I'd get comments about how I hadn't popped yet, I felt this surge of confidence that I looked good for 5 months. I was doing something right! Right?

I didn't do this out of fear--because honestly in my heart of hearts, I knew everything was going okay and I just wanted to give my baby the best start possible--I *LIKED* doing these things. I just knew that I had a good egg in there and that it was nestled in for the long haul. I knew that this baby inside was the perfect mix of myself and my husband and we were going to give it a wonderful, stable, and nurtured life. I knew that I'd continue to keep calm, be confident, and have an amazing, life-altering natural delivery.

*sigh*

Well, apparently I didn't know jack fucking shit...

(Not looking for any reassurances, I just wanted to bitch.)

*whispers* Happy 1 month birthday, my sweet baby. You know, wherever you are...

Weekend update

2009-09-28T12:54:00.002-04:00

My weekend was productive, if nothing else.

A few tears here and there, but no major crying bouts. Friday night we assembled our new dining room chairs (part of our retail therapy spending spree which is about to come to a screeching hault). Saturday was rainy and gloomy so we went to to lunch, ran a few errands, and then spent the rest of the afternoon taking naps and watching Grey's Anatomy in bed. We visited with my aunt and BIL in the evening.

Sunday I went on an overdue, mad cleaning spree. My house got very cluttered this summer with party supplies from summer events that I had started to clean up after we had the baby, but it never got fully completed and things were still piling up too fast for us to keep up with it. So I put in a full 8-9 hour day sorting, scrubbing, hauling trash, doing laundry and organizing. Much progress was made and with a little more effort I'd give my house the "Houseguest Ready" stamp of approval.

So that's my weekend.

It's still hard and some days I feel like I take steps forward or backward, but since the weekend seem to be just standing still, I'll take it!

A poem

2009-09-25T14:43:00.003-04:00

I'm not a religious person and usually angel baby/god stuff sort of turns me off, but I absolutely cannot get through this poem without crying. I found it on a message board, but if anyone knows the source I'd be happy to cite it.

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today,
I asked "What makes a Mother?" and I know I heard Him say,
A Mother has a baby, this we know is true,
But God, Can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you?
Yes you can, He replied, with confidence in His voice,
I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice,
Some I send for a lifetime, others for a day,
And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this Lord, I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw the tear,
I wish that I could show you what your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile with other children and say,
'We go to Earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly, my Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day,
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay,
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.'
So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are ok,
Your babies are here in my home, and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with me, until your lesson's through,
And on the day I call you home, they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you know what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of, right from the very start.
Though some on Earth may not realize until their time is done,
Remember all the love you have,
And you ARE a special mom!!

whispers

2009-09-25T14:41:00.002-04:00

I feel like myself today!

I woke up alert, chipper, and clear headed. Who knows how long it'll last, but for now I'll take it!!

You know how they say

2009-09-24T10:18:00.003-04:00

You know how they say that right when everyone else thinks you should be getting better, suddenly you're not?

Welcome to my life right now. I thought it was just meeting with the genetic counselor on Monday that had me down, then Tuesday I just chalked it up to being Monday's leftovers, but this morning I just didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to sleep all day and pretend this all never happened.

DH suggested that I call off, but in my head I was like--this was all 4 weeks ago now. I don't have an excuse, I'm not sick... I have to go to work.

So I guess the good news is that I did drag myself out of bed and made it to work--on time!

It really is over, though. I'm not going to wake up and pick up where I left off. I really do have to wait for months to try again

Time is a variable

2009-09-24T10:15:00.003-04:00

Ready for some more of my dad's wisdom?

When I was younger and complaining about waiting too long for something or that a great vacation was too short, my dad would always say, "You know M, time is a variable." And of course I'd roll my eyes--because duh--time itself does not vary. There's only 24 hours in a given day. It's science, dad. Look it up.

But guess what? I walked into work the other day and a calendar caught my eye, revealing to me that it's almost the end of September. Really? Has it been four weeks since all of this madness started and not 2? Has it been 3 1/2 weeks since I saw my baby's face for the first and last time?

Time is a variable. And it can fast forward and rewind in the blink of the eye.

Labor and delivery seems so long ago, but yet I can close my eyes and I'm right back in the specialist's office 4 weeks ago, sitting across her huge desk with a box of cheap kleenex on it, wearing her white coat explaining to us that the baby had no kidneys or bladder, that there was absolutely no chance that our baby could survive and that now we had to make our decision on how to proceed.

Were we in her office for 5 minutes? 3? 10? I have no idea. Time and space stood still. How many times did she repeat herself? How long did it take for me to speak? It was like there was a pressure in the air that paused everything while the weight of this crushed us. But the meaning of what she was saying was still there. It was clear--this was it.

She explained our options and what would happen with each one and then she sat there looking at us with great concern and sympathy. The other doctor stood leaning on a hutch, saying that we'd talk the next day about what we'd decided. But then there was silence. Were they waiting for more questions? More tears? For us to ask for a minute alone (even though it was her office?) I had no idea what to do, so I just thanked them, stood up, and left.

We walked out of the office together, rounded a corner and collapsed into each other's arms, sobbing uncontrollably. We did this same routine most of the way to the car--arms around each other, almost dragging one another forward to the parking deck.

We tried to collect our selves, but as he started to back the car out of the parking space, I lost it again, sobbing so hard that I started gagging and dry heaving. I opened the door to try to vomit, but nothing came. I pulled myself back together with a clear mission in mind: Just get home.

It's all too vivid and when I think about all that's happened, that's the moment that I go back to--where time and space ceased to exist and where the nightmare began.

What I'd give to rewind to that day and have a different outcome or to wake up one morning and be right back where we left off.

Genetic counselor

2009-09-22T14:08:00.000-04:00

We met with a genetic counselor yesterday for some peace of mind and confidence moving forward. While they can't tell us definintely why this happened, they can help us to rule out a few things.

A few potential causes:
1. Nature. Sometimes things just don't develop--probably the most common. Nothing can be done about it.
2. Genetic kidney disorder that was passed down and manifested in it's worst case.
3. Chromosomal abnormalities that extend beyond the renal system, but affected it's development.

While they say that Potters sequence typically isn't a genetic condition, a small percentage of people with the condition actually do inherit it. If either parent carries a gene abnormality for kidney malfunction, it can be passed onto the child. Sometimes this means the child will have kidney issues, varying from mild (abnormal tubes, etc) to severe (no kidneys). You can usually tell if a parent has this by having an ultrasound done on your renal system, showing any abnormalities. They actually said some people can be missing a kidney their whole lives and have no idea.

Also, we did a full medical history on both of us, and our families extending to 1st cousins, aunts/uncles, and grandparents. While I have a pretty darn healthy family (DH's family has some cancer, mostly lung from smoking), there are some red flags raised of course with my irregular periods, so they're suggesting some bloodwork to further explore the issue to rule out a chromosomal disorder as being the cause of my hormonal imbalances.

Lastly, they are recommending that I get tested for Fragile X syndrome, one of the most common causes of mental retardation and autism. I think this is a little bit more of a stretch, but the best assurance they can give us to rule out issues moving forward.

Right now they're doing some legwork with our insurance to see what they'll cover and what we'll have to pay out of pocket for. After that, we'll evaluate what we want to have done.

So if they find nothing wrong with us, the chances of something like this happening again are somewhere in the 3-8% range. If they find something wrong with either of us, it would be more like 15-20%. With our next pregnancy, they will suggest an ultrasound around 15-16 weeks--the earliest that Potters can be detected. Luckily, they didn't suggest any other sort of testing (amnio, CVS, etc) in future pregnancies.

None of it seems particularly complicated or invasive and actually a few of these items would serve us well not just for peace of mind, but to be able to offer our future children this information for their medical histories. i.e. --if one of us has a kidney issue and that's what caused our baby's death we could go on to have a child who appears completely healthy, but they will carry this gene and it can manifest itself in a variety of ways, but it will most likely show up in some form. But that would give them the heads up to examine our child for any potential issues so that they can be addressed early.

So I'm glad we went to get an idea of what our options are and to talk about the likelihood of it happening again. I just wish that any of this offered us an ounce of prevention, but it just doesn't.

Vanity

2009-09-21T14:58:00.000-04:00

I still look like I looked while pregnant. My belly hadn't popped (even at 21 weeks) but I definintely looked like I'd gained weight. My pregnancy acne has lessened, but hasn't gone away completely.

I gained 10 lbs while pregnant and while I lost 5 of that so far, I have another 10 or so that I gained while TTC from the herbs that I was taking. So I'm stuck between maternity clothes that need to be lasso'd onto me and prepregnancy clothes that look like I'm squishing myself into a tube of toothpaste. I have bulges in places I've never had bulges before. I have a fear that as my hormones continue to go back to normal, I'm going to continue to lose breast volume and they'll sag.

I know everyone says to not let these things bother you, that it's just what happens when you get pregnant... but what about when you're not pregnant anymore and you have nothing to show for it?

I don't feel attractive and I'm daunted by the task of losing the weight. I'm normally a very healthy eater (even while pregnant), but since this all happened, it's been restaurants, take-out, and heat n' eats--none of which is very good for me. And the cycle continues--the food makes me feel lazy, so I'm too lazy to get back on track.

What to do, what to do...

Controversial consent

2009-09-18T12:05:00.000-04:00

The day before I went in to be induced, I had to go to my doctor's office to sign a consent form for the procedure. Luckily, the person on the phone had already kindly warned me what the form would say--that I was consenting to an "elective abortion," even though she understood that this was not my true choice.

Still--really?!

I understood why I needed to sign a release form that stated that I was willingly having my baby removed from me, but I wish they would have had a "no way out!" stamp they could have put on the top or some kind of "fatal condition" checkbox marked. Because lord knows I really need to feel judged at this moment and to have "elective abortion" listed in my medical records.

So I feel this should be addressed. While I don't really feel the need to defend what we chose to do, I will elect to explain.

Some people find out their children have fatal conditions and choose to carry them to term (or until nature takes its course), giving them every second of a good life that they can give them. I'm glad that they have the right and ability to choose what was best for them--legally, mentally, physically, and (if applicable) religiously. Taking a child to term with a fatal condition is an amazing, selfless act and my heart goes out to everyone put in this situation, no matter what they decide.

When we found out what had happened and understood the particular details of Potters sequence, it was clear that letting her go immediately was the route for us to give our baby the best life that she could have had. She had already swallowed all of my amniotic fluid and without any renal system, she couldn't pee it out to make her comfortable, expand my uterus, and recycle the fluid to develop her lungs.

So no fluid, no moving, no comfort, slowly deforming in a uterus that won't expand... I couldn't do that to her. I couldn't crush her to death with my own body. I also couldn't wait and allow her to get to the point that she would try to gasp for breath upon delivery with undeveloped lungs. That was not the life that I wanted for my baby, even if it meant keeping her with me longer.

Call it what you want, but I'll always believe it was the right thing to do and that I gave my baby the best life possible for every single second of it. If the circumstances would have been different, I honestly can't say what I would do because it truly is a situation that you can't comprehend until you're in it. And I hope you never are.

How are you doing?

2009-09-17T12:05:00.000-04:00

First off, I apologize if I haven't replied to a message that you've sent me. I've been trying to reply to everything, but I know some things have fallen through the cracks along the way. I'm sorry. Please know that I appreciate your thoughtfulness very much. I don't know how I'd be doing without the constant flow of love and support that I've received from all of you.

How am I doing? If you ask, I usually reply with, "Okay." but I don't know if that really gives you any description, so I'll give it a shot here.

Considering the circumstances, I think I'm doing pretty decent. I'm not laying in bed, listening to sad music and crying--not that I think there's anything wrong with that. I get out of bed, go to work, usually manage to get some work done, and by the end of the day I'm pretty drained. I've spent lots of quality time with friends and family, asked for help when I needed it, and generally feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

Sometimes I still feel a little out of it or distracted, but most of the time I feel like me. I'm able to laugh, chat with people about other things, and usually I can focus on a task.

But it's still hard. There's a lot of talk about the baby and what happened. Sometimes I feel guilty for dominating conversations and for bringing it up when I want to talk about it, like I'm being an attention whore. But I still feel like there are explanations to make to people and keeping them up to date on how I'm doing both physically and emotionally.

So while I think we're going through a normal grieving process and that's good news--it still pisses me the hell off that we're in this situation to begin with.

I've had more flashes of anger when I think about how excited we were for our big ultrasound and how we got the rug pulled out from underneath us. Even when I was cautious at the beginning of our pregnancy, I honestly never thought that anything would go wrong. This has shaken my faith to the core. I'm not a particularly religious person, so I don't mean "faith" in that way--I'm moreso referring to the immense amount of fear that I now have as I realize that anything can be taken away from me--from any of us.

Anything, at any time.