Hi all.
I'm sorry that I seem to have gone quiet again. I guess I haven't had much to say--things have been going well and I'm just waiting patiently for this little babe to keep cooking.
For the most part, I feel great. I don't feel particularly anxious--somehow I, Miss Ultra Control Freak, have been able to let go of any semblance of control I may have over this pregnancy. Time seems to be passing relatively quickly and yesterday marked 8 weeks.
I seem to have avoided morning sickness again (WHOOHOO!) and really my only syptoms are being really tired and I have the normal aches and pains. Nothing worth complaining about (well, to you. DH has to hear about it all.the.time!)
For the most part, I've been able to remain positive and confident that everything is going to be fine. Sure, I had a wee bit of a panic attack before our first appointment and I have had moments where I'm just thinking about something simple like an appointment and I realize that my mind has wandered off to thinking about how I'll react when it happens again... I know it may sound a little crazy, but when your only previous experience you have to draw from is an unhappy ending, I think it's fairly normal to have moments when you almost assume it will happen again. I just try not to dwell on it too much and switch my thinking to how great things will be.
I think about Jude a lot, especially her delivery. I can't help but think it's going to make this delivery bittersweet. With any luck, I'm going to be delivering a happy, healthy baby, but I can't help but wish that Jude could have had the same chance.
I think about what it was like to be in the hospital and deliver her, unsure if I wanted her to be born alive or already peacefully passed and anxiously waiting for someone to give me an indication either way and being too terrified to look for myself.
It's hard. It's still really, really hard. I love this little miracle baby that I've been given, but it's just going to make this all so different than what people normally experience. I'm sad that we've lost our innocence. I'm sad that when we hold this baby, I know our minds will go to what it felt like to hold our sweet, silent baby.
Sometimes shit just isn't fair.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Oh hey, guess what?
I'm pregnant!
Yes, really. I found out three weeks ago today, hence the blog background change to make my ticker magically "disappear." OOOOHHH! Fancy tricks!
I'm sorry for holding out on you, but I wanted to wait until our first appointment because there are a few friends that I know IRL who read this blog and I had a few things I wanted to square away before letting anyone know.
You'll probably notice a handful of posts you haven't seen before. I'm about to hit publish on a few I've been writing/saving as drafts since I found out.
See? You can't say I wasn't at least thinking about you, dear readers! ;-)
Yes, really. I found out three weeks ago today, hence the blog background change to make my ticker magically "disappear." OOOOHHH! Fancy tricks!
I'm sorry for holding out on you, but I wanted to wait until our first appointment because there are a few friends that I know IRL who read this blog and I had a few things I wanted to square away before letting anyone know.
You'll probably notice a handful of posts you haven't seen before. I'm about to hit publish on a few I've been writing/saving as drafts since I found out.
See? You can't say I wasn't at least thinking about you, dear readers! ;-)
There s/he is Miss/Mr. America!
So this morning DH and I ventured out to meet with the midwife and have our first ultrasound. Everything looked great and the minute the little nugget was up on the screen and clearly pulsating, DH promptly dissolved into tears. Sweetest!moment!ever! In that moment, I fell in love with him againx7000.
Our little monster is measuring a few days ahead of schedule, which is exciting and promising, but I know that it's easy for measurements to be off by a day or two. I feel like it's cheating, but my new EDD is 10/9/10. Either way, we should be having a little libra in mid-October.
And as for something odd and sweet to file in the "strange coincidences" box, when I got into my car this morning they were playing old interviews on Howard Stern and Julian Lennon was on--the son of John Lennon and the boy that Paul McCartney wrote "Hey Jude" for. Very strange coincidence, right?
I still struggle with the things happen for a reason/there's a greater plan stuff, but for now I'll just take it as Baby Jude giving me the heads up that she's a-okay and on board with this.
Oh and BTW, this new baby is already making his/her presence known--she's giving me gray hairs! I had 3 new ones pop up last week (together, overnight! I check every.single.morning along my hairline PLUS two gray eyebrow hairs! WTF?!?!
*sigh* You know what, I'll take it! ;-)
Our little monster is measuring a few days ahead of schedule, which is exciting and promising, but I know that it's easy for measurements to be off by a day or two. I feel like it's cheating, but my new EDD is 10/9/10. Either way, we should be having a little libra in mid-October.
And as for something odd and sweet to file in the "strange coincidences" box, when I got into my car this morning they were playing old interviews on Howard Stern and Julian Lennon was on--the son of John Lennon and the boy that Paul McCartney wrote "Hey Jude" for. Very strange coincidence, right?
I still struggle with the things happen for a reason/there's a greater plan stuff, but for now I'll just take it as Baby Jude giving me the heads up that she's a-okay and on board with this.
Oh and BTW, this new baby is already making his/her presence known--she's giving me gray hairs! I had 3 new ones pop up last week (together, overnight! I check every.single.morning along my hairline PLUS two gray eyebrow hairs! WTF?!?!
*sigh* You know what, I'll take it! ;-)
Monday, February 15, 2010
(Assuming) No news is good news
Tomorrow marks 6 weeks--and boy does it seem like longer! I guess that's one disadvantage of finding out that you're pregnant at 3w2d... It's a long wait to be out of first trimester.
I'm still feeling pretty good about things. I have the normal random pains here and there and both the fatigue and insatiable hunger have set in... So to me, everything seems pretty normal. I peed on my last stick about a week ago and the test line is now darker than the control line, so I think it's time to just put the peesticks down.
We've told my family, but not DH's. I didn't want to have a big hullabaloo like we did last time, so I told my family and BFF while we were all sitting down on couche together, hanging out. I just didn't want hugs and tears. It didn't seem right to be jumping and down crying over a new baby. I told my dad on the phone a few days later. I spend tons of time with my family, so it would have been nearly impossible to keep it from them--and quite frankly if something went wrong, they'd be the first to know about it.
DH's parents are out of town through March, so I don't know if he's decided when to tell them. I think he's waiting to see how our first appointment/ultrasound goes on Thursday. Cross your fingers for a flickering little heartbeat!
I'm rereading "Still to be Born," a book about infant loss and subsequent pregnancies. I read it a few months ago and got a lot out of it, but I thought it might make sense for me to read it again with fresh eyes. Again, I had to skip the section that talks about all of the different types of loss and risks because I just can't think about it. I can't worry about everything that could go wrong--because in many ways I'm still dealing with what did go wrong. And that's plenty for me thankyouverymuch.
Which brings me to uncomfortable moment #1: I was hanging out with my dad and his girlfriend...wait--My stepmom. (They got married on Friday!) Anyway, she reached over and rubbed my belly (BAH! PERSONAL SPACE INVASION!) and started to talk excitedly about how great it will be that our new baby will be so close in age to my neice--they'll be just under 2 years apart.
For some reason, that hit a raw nerve. I mean, sure--We wanted to start having kids so their cousins wouldn't be too far off from them. I hope they are great friends--but saying it like it was some new great discovery made me feel like it was discounting the child that would have been 1 year, 2 months apart from my neice. So yes, it's good... but in my heart at that moment it just wasn't good enough. I know she was trying to be excited and say something supportive, but it honestly just made me want to say that sure-- just under 2 years apart is fine, but just over 1 year would have been much better. It's not like I need to have my baby acknowledged 24/7, but I don't like it to be ignored.
So in summary - the clock keeps ticking, I keep waiting patiently, I'm still working hard on things, but I'm so grateful to be moving forward.
I'm still feeling pretty good about things. I have the normal random pains here and there and both the fatigue and insatiable hunger have set in... So to me, everything seems pretty normal. I peed on my last stick about a week ago and the test line is now darker than the control line, so I think it's time to just put the peesticks down.
We've told my family, but not DH's. I didn't want to have a big hullabaloo like we did last time, so I told my family and BFF while we were all sitting down on couche together, hanging out. I just didn't want hugs and tears. It didn't seem right to be jumping and down crying over a new baby. I told my dad on the phone a few days later. I spend tons of time with my family, so it would have been nearly impossible to keep it from them--and quite frankly if something went wrong, they'd be the first to know about it.
DH's parents are out of town through March, so I don't know if he's decided when to tell them. I think he's waiting to see how our first appointment/ultrasound goes on Thursday. Cross your fingers for a flickering little heartbeat!
I'm rereading "Still to be Born," a book about infant loss and subsequent pregnancies. I read it a few months ago and got a lot out of it, but I thought it might make sense for me to read it again with fresh eyes. Again, I had to skip the section that talks about all of the different types of loss and risks because I just can't think about it. I can't worry about everything that could go wrong--because in many ways I'm still dealing with what did go wrong. And that's plenty for me thankyouverymuch.
Which brings me to uncomfortable moment #1: I was hanging out with my dad and his girlfriend...wait--My stepmom. (They got married on Friday!) Anyway, she reached over and rubbed my belly (BAH! PERSONAL SPACE INVASION!) and started to talk excitedly about how great it will be that our new baby will be so close in age to my neice--they'll be just under 2 years apart.
For some reason, that hit a raw nerve. I mean, sure--We wanted to start having kids so their cousins wouldn't be too far off from them. I hope they are great friends--but saying it like it was some new great discovery made me feel like it was discounting the child that would have been 1 year, 2 months apart from my neice. So yes, it's good... but in my heart at that moment it just wasn't good enough. I know she was trying to be excited and say something supportive, but it honestly just made me want to say that sure-- just under 2 years apart is fine, but just over 1 year would have been much better. It's not like I need to have my baby acknowledged 24/7, but I don't like it to be ignored.
So in summary - the clock keeps ticking, I keep waiting patiently, I'm still working hard on things, but I'm so grateful to be moving forward.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Any renovation/small space experts?
I have a problem. (Besides being fairly-moderately nutty.) It's my kitchen. It sucks.
Yes, I know you've heard people say this. You've heard them say that they have the *tiniest*kitchens*in*the*world. But here's the thing... I actually do!
Yep. That's it. In all of its approximate 8x7 glory. I know you're jealous, right?
A year or two ago, we busted out the soffets above the cabinets to squeeze out a bit more storage space. Whenever we get new ones, I'd like for them to go all of the way to the ceiling. For as small of a space that we have, we do pretty well on cabinets/storage. My issues are no countertop space and *gasp* no dishwasher.
So seriously, if someone would help a sister out to solve these two problems, I'd be forever in your debt.
I'm landlocked and budget locked on expansion (it's wedged between the living room, dining room, and stairs to the basement with no extra room in those spaces available). So with this layout, how would you rearrange things to fit in a dishwasher and squeeze out a little more counter space? Am I missing any floor plan options?
For example, do you think if I moved the doorway to the basement to the dining room, opening up that wall for use, that I could move the fridge over there and slide down the oven, leaving room for a dishwasher to open/close?
Yes, I know you've heard people say this. You've heard them say that they have the *tiniest*kitchens*in*the*world. But here's the thing... I actually do!
Yep. That's it. In all of its approximate 8x7 glory. I know you're jealous, right?
A year or two ago, we busted out the soffets above the cabinets to squeeze out a bit more storage space. Whenever we get new ones, I'd like for them to go all of the way to the ceiling. For as small of a space that we have, we do pretty well on cabinets/storage. My issues are no countertop space and *gasp* no dishwasher.
So seriously, if someone would help a sister out to solve these two problems, I'd be forever in your debt.
I'm landlocked and budget locked on expansion (it's wedged between the living room, dining room, and stairs to the basement with no extra room in those spaces available). So with this layout, how would you rearrange things to fit in a dishwasher and squeeze out a little more counter space? Am I missing any floor plan options?
For example, do you think if I moved the doorway to the basement to the dining room, opening up that wall for use, that I could move the fridge over there and slide down the oven, leaving room for a dishwasher to open/close?
Saturday, February 6, 2010
The meaning of the leaf and the teardrop
When I was in the hospital, they gave me a card with a poem and the meaning of the leaf and the teardrop. I wanted to share it for all of you have experienced losses as well, in hopes that meaning brings you a little comfort.
A growing leaf, green in color, has fallen prematurely. It has separated from the tree of life and landed in a pool of water, of many tears. It is a dark moment. A human tear lingers on the freshly fallen leaf... before it turns brown.
Fallen.
Drifting aimlessly
on a sea of grief and pain
the leaf cradles a teardrop.
Offers refuge.
Embodies hope.
Just as winter awakens to spring,
our deepest sorrow harbors the seed of hope renewed.
Hope renewed.
by Susan Ring.
A growing leaf, green in color, has fallen prematurely. It has separated from the tree of life and landed in a pool of water, of many tears. It is a dark moment. A human tear lingers on the freshly fallen leaf... before it turns brown.
Fallen.
Drifting aimlessly
on a sea of grief and pain
the leaf cradles a teardrop.
Offers refuge.
Embodies hope.
Just as winter awakens to spring,
our deepest sorrow harbors the seed of hope renewed.
Hope renewed.
by Susan Ring.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Do you think this would make me look crazy?
Would I sound crazy to you if I confessed that I want to run right out and buy this pack n play?
When I was pregnant with Jude, I didn't buy anything. Just one shirt that I actually purchased before I was even pregnant because it was so.dang.cute.
As I had progressed further along and was rocking through my 2nd trimester, I took a few spins through Babies R Us and absolutely fell in love with this Pack 'N Play. I mean, it not only matches my living room perfectly, but hello? It's embroidered. And if you know me, you know I'm a sucker for anything embroidered.
UPDATE:
Um, yeah. I was googling around and discovered the pack n play for $80 at Big Lots (originally $179 when it was at BRU last year) and after a few phone calls to my local retailers, found and purchased one.
So maybe I'm crazy. Sue me.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Stupid blog template
So I tried to update with a new background (new year, new look!) but that didn't work properly so I'm stuck with a boring blogger template that you've probably seen waaaaayyy too many times. I'm sorry for my unoriginal state. I'd like to say that I'm going to make up for it in content, but I'm afraid today is not the day!
YAY for it being a new month and for getting a little further into 2010 with nothing shit-tastic happening yet. I've been really busy with work and will be for the next few weeks or so--and you know what that means... minimal blogging/bumping time.
But the good news is that everything's good 'round these parts. I'm feeling happy, content, and positive about what the future may hold for us. Let's keep our fingers crossed that it's smooth sailing from here.
YAY for it being a new month and for getting a little further into 2010 with nothing shit-tastic happening yet. I've been really busy with work and will be for the next few weeks or so--and you know what that means... minimal blogging/bumping time.
But the good news is that everything's good 'round these parts. I'm feeling happy, content, and positive about what the future may hold for us. Let's keep our fingers crossed that it's smooth sailing from here.
Enjoying what I have while I have it--and hoping it's forever.
Yesterday I decided I would stop testing, but I still have a stack of HPT's at home to waste so this morning I caved and POAS'd again and saw two lovely dark lines! Fingers crossed that it means things are progressing properly.
I finally called my OB's office today and scheduled my first appointment with the midwife--I swear, I have mad pregnancy brain already. I've been forgetting EVERYTHING!
My first appointment is scheduled for 2/18 with the midwife, but I'm waiting for the nurse to call me back to discuss a modified monitoring schedule. I don't need/want all of that extra monitoring again, but I'd really like one early ultrasound. Show me a heartbeat, show me it's growing, and let me get on with my life. Ya know?
They will be checking me at about 16 weeks to make sure that kidneys have developed (the earliest they can verify they're there *and* functioning.) That's probably the day that I'll be sick to my stomach with worry.
I feel like in order for me to not be all freaked out, I need to be 100% positive and proceed as such. I already feel like I've been cheated out of so much with my first pregnancy, I refuse to be cheated out of any single ounce of happiness this go-round.
And if something knocks me on my ass (which I'm fully aware can happen) I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. But at least I won't regret enjoying what I have when I have it.
I finally called my OB's office today and scheduled my first appointment with the midwife--I swear, I have mad pregnancy brain already. I've been forgetting EVERYTHING!
My first appointment is scheduled for 2/18 with the midwife, but I'm waiting for the nurse to call me back to discuss a modified monitoring schedule. I don't need/want all of that extra monitoring again, but I'd really like one early ultrasound. Show me a heartbeat, show me it's growing, and let me get on with my life. Ya know?
They will be checking me at about 16 weeks to make sure that kidneys have developed (the earliest they can verify they're there *and* functioning.) That's probably the day that I'll be sick to my stomach with worry.
I feel like in order for me to not be all freaked out, I need to be 100% positive and proceed as such. I already feel like I've been cheated out of so much with my first pregnancy, I refuse to be cheated out of any single ounce of happiness this go-round.
And if something knocks me on my ass (which I'm fully aware can happen) I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. But at least I won't regret enjoying what I have when I have it.
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