Nothing to see here, people

Keep movin' along. Nothing to see, nothing to report--business as usual.

And I'm busy as shit at work, so I don't have any playtime. But yay for the Derby this weekend!

I'm not dead yet

Well, after venting on here and on GP, I'm feeling a little better. Like by just letting all of that anxiousness out, I alleviated it a wee bit.

I mean, sure, it's going to be a long week but it's time to put on my big girl panties, be reasonable, and just wait to see what happens. We always tell newbies on GP to suck it up and wait it out, so I guess it's time that I followed my own snarky advice. After all, I have a busy week and a great weekend to look forward to.

I don't have any phantom symptoms, really. I have some boob tenderness like I always do and yesterday I wasn't very hungry (and that always happens to me when I'm anxious), but that's it. My temps usually stay up pretty high right until AF arrives, so it's not like I can read into them. I've got nothing.

So in the famous words of Monty Python, "I'm not dead yet. I think I'll go for a walk. I feel happy."

Cracking up

I'd like to think that I've shown a great deal of patience and restraint this cycle. After a 70+ cycle last time, I patiently waited 40+ days to O this cycle. I was fine the first week of my 2WW and I was fine this weekend...

And now I've lost my goddamn mind! It's like I walked into work this morning and logged onto GP, only to realize this is the week that I can test. Now, my mind tells me that it's still way to early (9DPO) and that it's unlikely to be a positive (no symptoms), so it's really that I want to get onto this next cycle and do a better job at detecting O and taking advantage of it.

I'm feeling more confident in my Nancy Drew style O detection skills. I'm feeling less anxious about having totally anovulatory cycles. I just feel ready to go balls to the wall on Cycle 3.

But in order to get to Cycle 3 (Month 5) I've gotta get through this week. *sigh*

Help!

Nothing to see here, people.

Is this not the most boring chart ever? A few bounces, a plateau... Could it be any less helpful?

It's kinda funny, though-- I think you guys are more excited about this 2WW than me! Sure, I'm basking in the glory of your comments, emails, and pages on GP because I'm a total attention whore, but to ask that burning question you've all been asking me, "Are you sooo excited?" I have to say, "Meh."

Being a long cycle girl sucks. I mean, like sucky-ducky-mucky-yuckus type suckage. The quality and power of suckage usually only reserved for Dysons and sorority girls. (I KID, I KID!)

Waiting to O is pure.effing.torture. You know how they say that a watchful pot never boils? Well, that's just describing how long it seems you're waiting when you're as hungry as a hostage, but it doesn't even begin to describe waiting to ovulate and have the chance to bring a new life into this world and you're only getting 1/4 of the chances other people get. And there's that whole fear of an anovulatory cycle, which is like, so much fun.

So the 2WW? Total breeze. I've kicked back, got my capri pants on and the only things on my mind is my weekend of sunshine and gardening, some dinner dates with friends next week and then going to the KY Derby.

It's like I took an exam and I'm waiting to see if I passed. What's done is done and there's nothing that I can do to guess what grade I'll be given nor to beg (or show a little boobie) for extra credit. It either is or it isn't.

And something tells me it isn't. And that's okay.

You stalk me, you really stalk me!

*Clutches BBT tearfully*

Wow. I don't even know what to say! First, I'd like to thank my mom for bringing me into this world at over 11 lbs (and sans any sort of drugs, no less) and my DH for supporting me through cycle 2 and for doing everything he could in an attempt to impregnate me.

To my ovaries for deciding to step up to the plate, put on their big girl panties, and get into the game. I cannot thank you enough.

And to all of my chart stalkers out there who have pledged their unwavering support and threatened my life if I update Fertility Friend later than 10 a.m. I love each and every one of you.

*Orchestra starts up*

Oh, I just know I'm missing somebody... To my BFPB's boxie, Jennloves and michelleh for POAS pushing and talking me off of the ledge over the past few weeks. I know I can be a bit much in the overanalyzing department and pursuing explanations for every.single.thing, but *MUSIC SWELLS*

BUT! I love you and I can't thank you enough. I couldn't do this without you. Wait, I mean, technically I could, but who would want to? ;-)

POAS countdown: One week!

I'm going to have to word this very carefully, because it might just make me look like a flaming idiot.

So I'm fairly certain that I will not be making my own victory lap Derby weekend. Which is good because the dress that I have purchased looks amazing with 4" heels. And I have a hat, which would totally blow off if I tried to jog.

But the reason that I'm so sure at 4DPO, you ask? I have to warn you that it requires a wee bit of an explanation, suspension of disbelief, and a potentially flame-worthy question(s). (Get ready, GP and BOTB'ers! It's a goodie!)

But you know what? That's what I'm here for. To ask the ridiculous question that I've been trying to research and can't find an answer for, in hopes that it makes someone else feel a wee better about their intelligence level--either by providing snarky material or by someone who has pondered the exact same query. You are not alone, dear e-friends!

Anyway. So I had the same thing happen both this cycle and last. At 5DPO and 4DPO (Cycle 1-2, respectively) I had a pink spotting accompanied by a dark dot about the size of a *.

Now, I'm not asking you to crawl up my vagina and tell me what happened (but if you're going to, please be sure to wiggle around and make it worth my while, mmkay?), nor am I fishing for pregnancy signs. Quite the opposite. What I am looking for is for anyone to tell me if they had this happened to them before and if my hypothesis is even possible.

So here it is. I am well aware that a human egg is smaller than a period at the end of a sentence. I am also aware that said egg is encased in a jelly like substance/membrane, such as was seen in those ovulation photos posted awhile ago.

So if and when an egg is not fertilized, can you see this larger membrane when it is discharged? And is it, say the size of an *? And since it is discharged during your luteal phase and not during your period, would this be proper timing for that to happen?

Interwebs, I cannot find answers to my query. Either tell me what brilliant medical knowledge you have to share, tell me you've experienced this, or talk some sense into me.

Any which way you choose to reply, just know that it's for the greater good.

2WW time!

Hoorah for the 2WW!

Yesterday I got all annoyed that FF wasn't going to give me CH's, no matter what temp I put in. But I was determined to be a big girl and not give myself CH's, no matter how tempting that is.

So this morning I temped and it was still way over my usual coverline, but had come down quite a bit--I suspect that my sunburn had been affecting my temps and I'm much better today.

I logged on, entered my temp and as expected, no CH's. I entered in a temp for tomorrow... Nothing. The day after... Nothing. WTF?

Then I remembered that earlier this cycle I had been given incorrect CH's and had manually gone in and deleted them. So I went over to the tuning/analyzer option and cleared things out again (I think I hit a delete button) and BAM! Crosshairs! They're not solid, but I don't effing care. It's the open circle's fault--which considering the fun that we had on Saturday, it was totally worth it.

So this has my temp falling or me testing right before we leave for the Kentucky Derby next week. I'll either be over the moon or slamming down mint juleps. Either way, I know I'll be a happy little girl.

All's good in MSC land. I'm happy about the O'ing a 21 days earlier than last cycle, I'm pleased that I managed to pull it together for decent timing, and I'm feeling even more confident in my abilities to detect O and not be a total spaz.

Next cycle I would of course like to kick it up a notch in the BD category, especially after playing The Great Sperm Race Game, which really put into perspective just how amazing it is that an egg gets fertilized. WARNING: this game is hella addicting!

But for now... we watch and wait!

That's it. I quit.

It's not me. It's you.

No, really. Don't cry. This is harder for me than it is for you.

Dearest Vitex,

Despite my best efforts to combat my sudden recent weight gain by carefully counting my calories, walking at lunch 4 days a week, and working out twice a week (Hey! It's a start!), I'm.still.gaining.weight. WTF?

So that's it. I'm in the 2WW, so I QUIT YOU, VITEX!!! I'm not sure I can say that you've helped (although, you've alleviated the symptom of my boobs feeling like they're going to explode) but I need to see if you're the culprit. I figure it's safe to quit you for the 2WW and during AF--that'll give me 3 weeks to see if there's a direct correlation.

I figure if I'm looking to acupuncture, they'll prescribe a new slew of herbs anyway, so I think it's safe to say that we really had no future together.

I'm sorry. You and soy isoflavones should get together. I think you'd make a really cute, chubby couple.

It's O Time/Go Time

So I'm fairly positive that I ovulated yesterday. How much fun is that?

My boobs have been hurting a lot over the past few days (like they did last time) and we all bore witness to my crazypants mood swings the other day... and then yesterday my CP and CM were in agreement. TA-DA!!

I wish I could confirm this with a temp shift today, but I've done messed that up with the following factors: A) drank last night B) Got up to pee a hundred times (see A) C) I got hella sunburned yesterday which I suspect would affect my temp because my skin is completely on fire. So 98.34 today. Holy crap. Also, my CP got super low, closed, and quickly hardening today.

But I have a few questions for the universe. It was probably around noon that I got a high/soft/open CP and by the end of the day it seemed to be changing already. We didn't get to BD until pretty late in the evening. Do you think once your CP starts changing that it's too late? How fast do our bodies transition, pray tell?

So I suspect we're officially in the 2WW. Huzzah!!

STUPID!

STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!

So I had a few magazines from work (believe it or not, I'm actually supposed to read magazines at work for story ideas) that I brought home to peruse. They'd made their way through our house--coffee table, nightstand, etc.

Well I brought them back into work earlier this week and left them sitting on my desk. Sticking out of them? My OV-Watch manual. No joke.

Luckily, no one comes that far into my cube that they could see something like that, but seriously? How dumb can I be?

And the Thursday Drama Queen Award goes to...

Guess who completely overreacted last night?

This girl.

I sent DH a note this morning closely resembling my last post to tell him how I felt about what he said and how things are going.

You know what he replied with? When he said routine last night, he just meant our positions... ROFL!!! No joke.

I know. I'm flabberghasted, too. I told him that was an easy thing to fix and I would gladly oblige.

Total.drama.queen.

(Side note: He also said wonderful things about his only fear is having a healthy baby and being a good dad and how great I am for taking this all on myself and how well I'm doing, etc. You know, because he's awesome like that.)

So now instead of wallowing in my pools of self pity, I not only feel a weight lifted since I've laid it all out on the table, but his response has me laughing my ass off at myself.

Time to make sure that chandelier is anchored into a stud! ;-)

I feel like an emotional Goldilocks.

I’ve been in a real funk lately. I think it's a combination of factors - mood swings (O? Are you out there?), the fact that I've somehow gained almost 10 pounds in 3 months, and also trying to sort out some of my most recent TTC feelings.

I was (clearly) pretty upset last night when DH said that he hadn't been in the mood because things had become a routine. I've been trying really hard to keep things pressure-free and not talk about it. I mean, TTC probably only comes up once every other week or so. I thought that was pretty darn good!

But after I gave it some thought, I realized that despite my efforts, it's still a pink elephant in the room. This isn’t about whether or not I’m annoying him by talking about it -- he has his own worries, fears, and mental pressures as a man. I just wasn't in a good place last night to try to take that type of comment constructively.

I'm going through a period where I'm just really sad - not like, OMG, I see a pregnant woman and want to cry or steal her baby because Hello? It has only been a handful of months.

I'm sad that since we knew I was going to have issues going into this, we've been robbed of our excitement about taking this step. To me, it seems like right now we should still be swinging from the chandeliers and whispering to each other in the dark about how great it will be when we're successful.

And a big part of that is my fault--and I don't mean the physiology of TTC. As a defense mechanism, I immediately go into that "manage expectations" mode. You know--don't get too excited, don't get hopeful, don't talk about the future because who knows what will happen, don't be too encouraging because I'll just disappoint you, etc. And in saying all of that and putting up those types of negative walls, I've managed to wall myself in on this one. And isolation is such a mofo.

And when I really dig down to understand why I haven’t told my sisters (who happen to be my absolute best friends), it’s because of this same “manage expectations” thing that I do. They'll expect me to be excited and not understand why I'm not—and I’m embarrassed and afraid that they’ll take this out of context and analyze or judge.

I just wish I had an ounce of excitement instead of just gallons of disappointment that we're so cautious about this instead of excited. Instead I've just filled this whole experience with mediocre (and sometimes downright bleak) expectations.

Let me try an analogy - I feel like a bride who is pulling together a wedding on a budget and everyone around her is so excited about their big weddings, so as a defense I'm always like, "Oh mine won't be that special, it's on a budget. It won't be that big of a deal, I just want you to come and have a good time. Don't expect much." and by placing all of those caveats and setting low expectations for everyone, she actually misses out on the joy and excitement of the occasion. It should be a happy time and yet she ends up looking down on it because the significance of it has been lessened in her eyes.

I think I need to figure out a way to let a little more excitement into this instead of always being on the defensive.

PS - 97.45, mood swings, headaches, and a little boob tenderness and a blank week of BD boxes...again. Seriously?

Really?

I was just informed by my DH that he hasn't been in the mood lately because he feels like things have gotten to be a routine.

Really? Like really?? Are you effing kidding me?

Let's get a few things straight. I don't talk about TTC. I don't bore him endlessly by droning on and on, I put the effort into sex, I've never grossed him out by discussing or showing him my CM and it's not like we're doing it that often. But *HE* was feeling like it was routine.

I wanted to yell at him, "THIS ROUTINE YOU SPEAK OF IS IN YOUR EFFING HEAD!!" I haven't forced shit--hello? That's how we missed our window last cycle. I am not pushy. I'm not obsessed. And you know what? The suggestion that it's stressing *him* out really pisses me the eff off.

So he's not in the mood. Great. Well, I'm now (thanks to this comment and work related items) stressed as shit, I'm officially pissed that I'm somehow gaining weight no matter how healthy I eat and exercise and you know what? I could use a good romp in the hay right now. But am I gonna get it? Noooooooooo.....

*stomps off to bed alone*

Easter? Check. Eggs? Not so much

It's funny--when DH and I had our big "Hey, I might finally be ovulating, I'd like to confirm that we're really ready to TTC" talk, DH asked me if we didn't seize that opportunity, when would our next window of opportunity be?

Knowing my long cycles, I guesstimated March, maybe April. We decided to give it the old hump & hope, but it ended up being a fake O and then we completely missed out real O about a month later.

But when I answered him, I had no idea that I'd be 1/2 way through April still waiting for that 2nd shot. I'm swiftly approaching CD40 with no O in sight.

I feel like Boxie with all of that boob-poking that I've been doing as I wait for signs of ovulation. Last cycle I got hyper sensitive nips about 2 days before I ovulated, but I thought it was AF arriving and I was already so cranky from not ovulating, that I didn't seize the opportunity when I had it.

But I guess what this post is really about today is that it's hard to see other TTC'ers lap me--some more than 3 times in the length of time that I have ONE SINGLE CYCLE. I know that means they've been disappointed with BFN's 3 times to my 1 and that's hard. But at the same time, it makes me feel like less of a TTC'er than them. Like I'm not really in the game.

I know it's not a competition, but I already feel so failed by my body and when I hear people who started TTC at the same time as me and they're on cycle #5, I can't help but feel really left behind--they get so many more chances than I do.

This Saturday is the 4 month mark since cycle 1 began--I think that's weighing on my mind. I know that it can take normal, healthy couples a year, but at this rate it's going to take me almost 3 years to have those 12 cycles/chances.

I know I could alleviate this by turning to modern medicine, but I'm not willing to bring in the risks and side effects just yet. This is just me feeling sorry for myself, feeling a little left behind, and feeling like a little less of a woman.

No, I did not die yesterday

After my temp dive to 96.23 (WTF?) I'm sure you were all concerned for my well-being. Turns out that I'm just fine and I've rebounded to my usual 97.18 this morning. Hoorah.

More later, I'm enjoying my weekend.

I caved

I've been back and forth (and back. and forth. and so forth.) on when I would be ready to look into alternative forms of treatment... Besides taking info from my RE, plugging it into Google, cross-referencing with my homegirls on GP and then coming up with my own little herbal remedy. You know, the herbal remedy that is clearly working soooo well (nods to chart, laughs at FF's CH's).

Anyway, I had been given the contact information for an acupuncturist who helped my friend with her IVF and decided to drop him a line. Of course I wussed out by sending an email instead of calling, but I explained my situation (briefly. Believe it or not, I can be concise. It's only one day a week that I have this power so I have to run with it.) and requested pricing and what an initial consultation would entail.

DH and I had discussed pursuing this for cycle 3 and since I'm already on CD33 with no O in sight, let's assume that I'm on the same path as last time and that we'll be well into May when cycle 3 arrives.

Side note: I am hopeful that even if I O around the same time as last cycle (CD65) that I'm at least I'm 1/2 way there. Time has been flying this cycle, so it's no biggie.

Lastly, I finally finished reading The Infertility Cure this week. It was interesting, but I probably fell asleep reading it about 80% of the time that I picked it up before bed.

Anyway, I enjoyed the opportunity to self-diagnose myself with Liver Qi stagnation, slight Kidney (Yin? Yang? I forget) deficiency, and blood supply issues (I'm again unable to remember what this is called. There's blood stagnation and then something else.)

Man, maybe I shouldn't have been drinking wine and reading this book at the same time, falling asleep in the process. It sounds like I've learned nothing, but I think that just a slight basis of knowledge will help me understand WTF the acupuncturist will be saying to me.

Anyway, that's all of the news that's fit to print.

xoxo,
MSC

A FAIL of epic proportions

I'd really like an explanation for this hot mess. In fact, I think I'm owed one. But in the meantime, I'll do my best to guesstimate what the hell happened for the rest of you on the sidelines, cheering on my ovaries.

Saturday night I had two glasses of wine pretty late in the evening and then fell asleep on the couch, waking up at 3 to move upstairs (6 a.m. temping time) so I knew it would be a smidge off.

Monday morning I just.couldn't.sleep. It started around 4:30 a.m. and I expected my temp to be up, but was shocked by the chaos that ensued.

This morning my BBT didn't save my 6:00 temp, so I had to retake it at 6:30 when I was ready to actually roll out of bed. I also woke up to a stuffy nose and a wee bit of general head congestion.

So to answer the question that is burning through your skull... No. I am fairly certain that I did not ovulate.

Now before I wander off to dance and sing, "Climb every mountain" to my chart, I'd like to invite my body to BEHAVE LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING for once.

GP Tribute song & Illustrated Chart of Fail, Vol. 2

Alright, stop what you're doin'
cause I'm about to ruin
the FF chart that you're used to.
It looks funny,
but yo' I'm TTC, see
so yo TheBump I hope you're ready for me
Now gather 'round 'cause I'm the GP fool in town
And my post lay down with a smack down
I'll drink up all the green tea you got on your shelf
And just let me introduce myself
My name is MSC
Pronounced with an SC
Yo newbies, oh how you love to ::headdesk:: me
And all you PD's in the top 10
Please allow me to ::hug:: thee
I'm steppin AW, ya'll and just like my BFPB
Like JennlovesAustin, we'll get knocked up, see
I like to say box(ie), I like my posts funky
I'm spunky, I don't like my CM lumpy
I'm sick of checking CM.
Time to ovulate, you listenin'?
I'll even buy you preseed and an OV-watch
'Cause you know what, chart
you know what's getting ridiculous?
This chart! Ute, c'mere... are you tickelish?
Yeah, I called you ridic, look at me, I'm MSC
Never stopped me from gettin' freaky
On GP
I like red light girls with booze
I ONCE GOT DH AT A BACKYARD BBQ!
I'm crazy, allow me to entertain thee
They say I'm AW but it just don't phase me
I'm still getting in lyse's pants
And I even got my own dance...

THE MSC dance is the baby dance, do the baby dance
OH, DH, DO ME BABY!!
Do the MSC HUMP, do the MSC HUMP
OH, DH, DO ME BABY!!

GET UP, GET UP, GET UP,
DO THE MSC HUMP, DO THE MSC HUMP...