It's gotta happen tomorrow...

*looks at ticker*

You know FF is going to add some effing CD's tomorrow. At least they had faith in me until the very last minute. I wish I could say the same for myself.

Balls to the wall

I bid bon voyage to my dotted CH's this morning. I had a decent temp dip (I woke up 1/2 hour early, but even with adjusting I'm sure I'd still lose them), so I think it's safe to say that the idea of ovulation occuring last week is DOA.

I've been thinking a lot about treatments. For the record, I see absolutely nothing wrong with pursuing treatment and taking fertility drugs. At this point, my RE doesn't seem concerned that my issues are causing permanent damage and my level of baby fever is still pretty mild, so (today) I'm feeling like I can work on a natural plan. And I'm really being honest here, there's still a little part of me that wants to beat this on my own.

So what do they recommend for someone who is anovulatory, elevated estrogen levels (evidence of cysts on ovaries), yet normal FSH/LH levels? Off to Google we go!!

#1 is The Fertility Diet. I actually put a lot of stock into the concept that "you are what you eat" and that what we're putting into our bodies is causing us a lot of problems.

Anyway, the diet focuses on eating lots of fruits and vegetables, smaller, more frequent meals, low animal protein (And hello? Growth hormones!) intake, and sticking with whole grains. Well, for me that's check, check, check, and check! I maintain a pretty darn healthy diet and have for most of the past year. There's little lapses here and there where I eat kinda crappy here and there--but my definition of "crappy" isn't fast food--it's vegetarian frozen meals, pasta, or going out to eat. I used to be a carb-a-holic, but after doing that raw vegan detox last year, I was able to kick the habit.

I learned a method of grocery shopping where I only shop the perimeter of the store (so that's pretty much produce, bakery, dairy case). And I pretty much load up on produce, pick a few whole grain items, and no meat.

Other items on the no-no list in the Avenger household:
High fructose corn syrup
bleached or enriched anything (like flour)
Um... I can't think of the rest of the list at this moment, but I'm a label reader.

Books on the topic that I recommend: Taking Charge of Your Fertility (TCOYF, of course!), PCOS and Your Fertility, and Skinny Bitch. If you want to know more about the Raw Food diet, WATCH THIS or read Ani Phyo's Raw Food Kitchen, Raw: The Uncook Book, or google for Raw Vegan detox blogs.

#2. Exercise. Admittedly, I suck at this. And I need to hop back on it for a few reasons-- First is that estrogen (which I have an excess of) stores itself in fatty tissue. And of course having more muscle ups your metabolism and while I'm not overweight, my muscle tone (and thus metabolism) has been gradually slipping over the years. Add in the fact that I have a herniated disc, which will be a total bitch when PG, so I've gotta get back on the pilates kick.

3rd item that I've heard recommended... Acupuncture. Would anyone like to share their experiences or resources on this one? I'm going to do a little more digging on the topic and look into local treatment facilities.

So if you've stuck with me this long and you're doing a little 1+1+1=3, I feel like I'm coming up with a natural health concoction of doing another raw vegan detox (longer than 30 days), an exercise plan, and some acupuncture.

Now doesn't that sound like a nice little fertility cocktail? Hmm??

A slow descent into hell...

Did you see that temp today? 97.05... I know, right? WTF?

So yeah, this has me down in the dumps. While I know that it seems a wee bit early (first cycle TTC) for me to be feeling this way, it seems like my waiting game started so, so long time ago... Waiting to take provera at the beginning of October, waiting to see what would happen on that cycle (like maybe we'd take a chance that cycle on our big fat European vacation--but no O opportunity), then waiting for that 10/1 cycle to finally end to try a "real" cycle TTC (note: that cycle didn't end until 12/18!), now waiting to see if I can O on my own (not so successful on that last one).

But then when you take into account the past few years waiting to be at the point in my life where I could test the waters and see if I'd be able to conceive, it puts this frustration into better context and hopefully makes me sound less crazy and whiny.

I guess I've been able to mentally put off the strain of being told there's something wrong with me, but not knowing to what extent... but now I'm being forced to deal with it! I keep hearing girls say that there's a voice in the back of their heads saying, "Don't worry, it's normal... It can take normal couples up to a year to get pregnant." HA! Why is it that I only get the voice in my head that says, "...But you're not normal!"

*sigh* I don't know how long it'll take for that to sink into my head--I am not normal. I guess that'll finally happen on the day that the desire to have a baby overwhelms my desire to not ingest fertility drugs and hormones. I'm just not there yet.

The other night DH asked how things were going for us in the TTC department and I just said, "Honestly, I have no idea." He inquired about when would be an appropriate time for him to go and get checked out and I explained that it wouldn't be until after we were pursuing treament for me. He asked if that meant we'd be at risk for multiples and I told him yes. He said he really hoped that it would work out on it's own because of his fear of multiples and complications for both me and the (phantom) babies.

The first thought that popped into my head when he said that was just, "Yeah, easy for you to say... Now!" And it is still easy for him to say and relatively easy for me to hear--because I don't want to be at risk, either. In fact, I don't want there to be anything wrong with me so that we don't have to have this type of discussion. And I know the day will come when we need to revisit the topic because the scales have tipped in the other direction. I just don't know when that day will be.

So every day I just stare at my FF ticker, waiting for the day when it realizes that I'm out of cycle days and then I'm stuck watching it count up to 50, 55, 60, etc. I feel like I'm in a staring contest with it, daring it to blink and add more days, confirming my status as an ovulatory failure.

What happened to my 38 day cycles of yesteryear? Did I somehow take a tremendous step backwards? Was I never one step ahead in the first place?

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies...

I don't know if you've noticed this about me, but I'm a ray of fucking sunshine. No really. I mean, I typed that before I even search Google Images for this image (and an ungodly amount of Cool Points to whoever recognizes the artwork, the book it's referencing, the type of tree it is, or what one would make out of the tree tufts).

I digress... I mean, I know that I use obscenities a lot and have a pretty sarcastic sense of humor, but really? I'm pretty darn optimistic in every single situation. I'd use the term "cock-eyed optimist" but I think there's enough penis references on here already.

Anyway...
I look for the good side of people.
I usually give people the benefit of the doubt and have been loyal to a fault in the past. However, once certain lines are crossed you are dead to me and there's no going back.
I want people to like me.
I want to be seen as honest, trustworthy, funny, and kind.
I want to make every day as fun as it can be.

I want to ovulate so fucking badly that today's temp just pissed me the hell off. I truly cannot believe this chart... Every day that I check in, I feel like my body has disappointed me. Every day I see an October due date slip by and knowing how long my cycles can go on and how long it can take me to ovulate... I realize that Nov/December will quickly slip away as well and then we're into 2010. It's a slippery slope and my usual sunshine self is sliding her happy ass right down it today.

I would say I have a case of the Mondays, but that would annoy myself... Anyway, I leave you with my chart, to save you the effort of clicking my ticker.

Dammit.

Please fasten your seatbelts and place all tray tables in their full, upright postition.

I am preparing for a landing as my temp makes it's final descent into Anovulatory City.



I know it jumped enough to give me CH's and is still pretty high, but I'm not expecting anything to come of this. I'm sure it'll fall more tomorrow. If it doesn't and actually recovers, I might finally believe Fertility Friend. But for now, I shall not be moved.

Fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Fool me... you can't get fooled again!

Give me true CH's.

Through fakeouts untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Fertile City to take back the ovulation that you have stolen. I will not be fooled by your dotted CH's produced by one hangover temp and two elevated ones.

For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great...

*thunder rumbles*
For my will is as strong as yours, my kingdom as great...

Damn! I can never remember that line!

YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME!

Famous last words

Why oh why didn't we BD on CD35? WHY, WHY, WHY? All of the elements for a great romp were there--and hello? I drank some wine, so I was totally ready to roll... if I could have kept my eyes open! Dammit!

So today I had another elevated temp, right up there with my hungover/sleep deprived temp from yesterday. So as you'll see on my chart, I've marked the day that I WISH I would have ovulated and the day that I regret.



*sigh* Boo...

**UPDATE**
If my temp is anything over 96.9 tomorrow, I'll get CH's for CD35. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Fuck!

Stupid, stupid, stupid

*stares at high temp/open circle on today's chart*

*stares at empty bottle of wine from last night*

*stares at EWCM mark from yesterday*

*stares at empty BD chart box from yesterday*

I'm stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

*sigh*

Since I felt all "in the clear" that I indeed haven't ovulated, I went ahead and enjoyed some wine with friends last night. I hosted a little board game get-together and I had a few glasses of wine--which of course threw off my temps, but at the same time, I had EWCM yesterday... And then to compound my stupidity, we didn't BD last night.

So we'll see what tomorrow brings, but for now I'm just had that I had a lovely evening with some friends.

I never thought I'd say this.

Please just let my temps plummet and AF to arrive.

I want a do-over.

I know this much is true:

I am not pregnant.

I know, I checked. Last night I was out shoe shopping and I just decided to swing by the $tree for peesticks because I figured there was no sense in wondering--let's just get this phantom O and phantom symptoms out of my head for good. Yesterday would have been 13DPO if my phantom O was for real, so I figured it wasn't completely unreasonable to test and of course it was negative.

Still no explanation for these weird, constant hunger pains, but at least I don't have my mind racing to come up with oddball reasons like a peanut in my ute.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming... *taps toe impatiently at chart*

Hello, darling internet friends. I'm so sorry for my recent absence--I hope I wasn't missed too terribly. I spent the weekend taking it easy, hanging out with my husband, some good friends, and my family (I think I'm no longer avoiding them.)

But as Ron Burgundy so eloquently put it, I'm trapped in a glass box of emotions right now. I'd be lying if I didn't "discard" the aforementioned hangover temp at least every other day for the past two weeks (Who am I kidding? It was probably once a day!), just to see if it gave me CH's again. And it did. Until today.

I'm a little frustrated that on my first cycle TTC I've been stricken with not only phantom ovulation, but also phantom pregnancy signs. I appreciate this muchly, Fertility Gods. I mean, couldn't I have my first cycle just like I imagined it -- a simple combination of candle-lit romance, heartfelt pre and post coital conversations with DH, making all of my new GP friends on the interwebs, and riding around on a unicorn? I mean, I didn't even have a BFP in this fantasy! Is this too much to ask, pray tell?

So my temps have remained above my phantom coverline (today is 13DP-phantom-O) and last week I started getting these really weird stomach cramps - almost like hunger pains, but they don't go away when I eat. The pain seems to radiate from my diaphragm, but I don't get nauseous. I started noticing them last week and thought it was odd, but I don't remember having them over the weekend, but today it's back full force. I also lost about 2 lbs in the past week and I'm not even trying, which seems odd.

Now here's where you stop rolling your eyes and breathe a sigh of relief that I have not completely lost my mind. Despite all of my chart-looking and blogging incessantly, I am smart enough and reasonable enough to realize that real ovulation and real pregnancy are such ridiculous concepts for me that I have not taken, nor even purchased any pregnancy tests. I did, however, purchase an OV Watch on eBay, so I'm going to give that a shot next cycle.

To add confusion to it all, yesterday when checking my CP, I found a single strand of EWCM. And then I had a temp rise this morning which turned my phantom solid CH's into dotted ones (in which case my timing SUCKED because I chose sleep over lovin' last night which I had a feeling at the time was a stupid, stupid mistake).

But like I said before--it's my blog, so I'm going to tell you everything, whether you want to hear it or not... And that's where I am today.

OV-Watch customer service... Take 2

I have to say, this type of customer service and willingness to say that it might not be the right product for me instills a lot of confidence in what they're selling. With that, I leave you with my last emails with their sales rep. (Note: these emails all transpired in one afternoon, so that's a great response time!)

Kind, beloved OV-Watch rep,

Thank you so much for the speedy and detailed reply. It sounds like you really know your product and you're clearly passionate about it. If you don't mind, I'd like to take another minute of your time to explain my situation to make sure this is the right product for me before purchasing.

I've been off of the pill for several years and at first didn't have regular periods. I was referred to a reproductive endocrinologist for suspected PCOS, but after blood work and an ultrasound, my RE felt that I did not have PCOS, but I do have elevated levels of estrogen, which indicates the presence of cysts and may be anovulatory. I've had a saline ultrasound and endometrial biopsy and my organs look completely healthy.

Over the past year, my periods have regulated significantly (I had 8 periods in 2008, which was a huge improvement for me) and I've also made major changes to my diet in order to reduce the hormones I'm ingesting from meat and diary. I am now trying to conceive naturally before I consult with my RE again, but I also don't want to waste my time without a definitive answer on whether or not I'm ovulating. I'm charting diligently, but have received conflicting information from various charting software.

Do you feel that I'm a good candidate for this product?

Thanks,
MSC
***
Dearest, beloved, and admired MSC (okay, maybe she didn't address it that way...),

If I were you, I wouldn't spend any more money until I had a few things in order....
1. a day 3 FSH test to see what the quality of your eggs are. (Side note: I've had this and my FSH was fine)
2. I would bet that with only 8 periods, you are not ovulating but maybe once per year. Are you open to taking clomid? If so, I bet 100mg could make you ovulate and then you can get pregnant - get pregnant even quicker with a tool like OV-watch to tell you when you are fertile.

When you are sure that you are ovulating, and all of these things are taken care of, THEN I would purchase OV-Watch. I think that you are doing all of the right things but temping and charting is stressful and could be causing more problems then doing good. Please think about taking clomid or femera.....it will speed this up for you and you could be pregnant before you know it.

I had a difficult time getting pregnant also. Then, I used OV-Watch and got pregnant the first month that I used it. IT IS AN AWESOME PRODUCT, but you need to be ovulating to get pregnant so take the steps to get ovulatory and get yourself a sweet baby!!! Don't waste any more time - having a baby is the greatest thing.......being a mommy will be the greatest event of your life!

If I can help at all, please let me know.
VERY sincerely,
Amazing rep
***
Thank you so much for your speedy reply, honesty, and sharing your personal story.

While I've been off of birth control pills for several years and have had diagnostic tests run by a RE, this is my first cycle TTC and I think I am willing to give it some time to see if I can ovulate on my own.

Your input was very helpful (and I plan on sharing it with some TTC friends) and instills a lot of confidence in your product, especially since you were willing to suggest that it might not be the best product for me. I'm in no hurry, so I might just check it out anyway.

Thank you so much,
MSC

OV Watch

The first smart move they've made is by making this watch in a color that goes with all of my pajamas--Tiffany blue. The second is having an amazing customer service rep to answer your questions. Our communication follows below:

Dear OV Watch,

I have read that one of the major drawbacks of OPK's that detect LH surges is that during anovulatory cycles, sometimes your body may have more than on LH surge in an attempt to ovulate, but that ovulation may still not occur (and your temps will show no thermal shift).

My question about OV Watch--is the chlorine ion surge the same - can it be faked out several times? Will each surge be shown on there, without showing an O date? Or will the O only show when it is completely confirmed that you ovulated?

Thanks,
The Anovulatory Avenger

Dear Avenger,

Women will have several surges of Chloride ion during the cycle. One is about 6 days before ov, one is at ov and one is a few days before you get your period. See the graph attached.

The chloride ion surge is not a hormone surge, it is an electrolite metabolite. So, it is unaffected and unrelated to the act of ovulation. It is however, directly linked to estrogen, which makes you ovulate. Let me explain...This is a KEY reason why ov-watch works when other "things" do not. NO matter what kind of hormone "problems" you are having...low progesterone, low estrogen, no LH surge or many LH surges, OV-Watch will be able to tell you when you are fertile because the chloride ion surge happens regardless of hormone fluctuations.

Another key point to mention that answers your question is that it will only come 6 days before you ovulate and on the day of OV, if you are in fact getting the estrogen surge that makes you get the LH surge which makes you ovulate. So, if you see that the watch has read fertile day 1 then you got the chloride surge, YOU ARE FERTILE and you will most likely get the LH surge and then ovulate as long as you are ovulating normally. If you are not, ovulating normally and you are taking clomid to ovulate, your LH levels will rise with clomid and you will almost always be able to get a positive on those urine sticks as they detect LH. So, you will not know when you are REALLY fertile. With Ov-Watch, you will know when you are most fertile on clomid because it is unaffected by LH hormone or any hormones for that matter.

You will not get a false positive with Ov-Watch. Now, the ov-watch will render nothing if it doesn't get a chloride surge at all. So, if you use it and get no reading it probably means that you have high levels of estrogen all the time (which would prohibit the chloride from ever surging) and then you may have another condition that would prevent you from getting pregnant. That is not the issue here so, let's not go there. :)

One thing that I want to clear up is that your body doesn't have several LH surges. If anyone is getting positives on the urine sticks several periods during one cycle, then they likely have elevated LH levels which indicate a few things, most likely, Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. So, that will prevent someone from ovulating and thus, from getting pregnant. There is always the random spontaneous ovulation from women with PCOS, but it is rare. They need to be on Metformin to control the insulin in their bodies and also clomid to make them ovulate. This patient CAN use ovwatch to get pregnant but will not get accurate results with OPK's . There is also the person who has high levels of LH and IS ovulating but they can never tell when they are ovulating because the kits always read positive. That person NEEDS ov-watch to tell when they are fertile. So, no, you don't get several surges during one cycle of LH.

If you are seeing that, let's talk so that we can get you on the right path.
I have to get on the road now but if you have any other questions, email me and I will get back to you later tonight or call my cell.



I sent her a reply with a very brief description of my situation (believe it or not, I can be succinct) to see if OV Watch is a good fit for me. If it is, it might just be the product that single-handedly saves my sanity.

Self doubt

I can certainly see why this state of trying to conceive can wear on a person. Granted I'm new to this, but I entered into this with a skewed view of how this would go based on my reproductive endocrinologist-induced panic attacks, so I probably jumped ahead a few steps and frustration levels. But that's generally how I work--I learn everything I can about a topic and then dive right in headfirst... It usually ends with me forcing things to go my way, but it seems that reproduction may not be so accommodating. Dammit.

This whole back/forth on trying to figure out if I O'd is confusing. With just one discarded holiday hangover temp, I keep my solid crosshairs on Fertility Friend. And any way I enter it in on the Ovusoft software from Taking Charge of Your Fertility (TCOYF from here on out), it shows that I O'd that date.

But I don't know what to think in all honesty. I go back and forth, finding it hard to believe that all of those symptoms were wrong... and I hate to send like someone just whining and fishing for ovulation hope... But here I go anyway!

My temps are awfully low for being post-ovulation, right? Each day I wait and hope that it goes up, but it just sorta bounces around--above the faux coverline, but not in the 98's just yet. That's not high enough, is it?

And say I didn't O on the 5th or 6th... If my CM dried up and my CP went back to "infertile," what is the likelihood that it will return and O later in this cycle? Let's just use my last cycle for comparison--I had a super long cycle and I started charting way late. Due to temps, I got dotted CH's at CD50 and then proceeded to have a 16 day LP--but I didn't have any CM signs at CD50. Or was that just because the whole dang cycle was anovulatory? WTF?

So every day I'm left second-guessing myself, my charts, my reproductive abilities and my sanity. Every day I'm left wondering why on Earth I didn't chart for all of 2008 so that I would have a basis for comparison and save myself this distress. Every day I wonder if I should just call my RE and schedule a TTC consultation.

I think once I have this one cycle under my belt, I'll be able to relax a little. Right now I feel like I'm running against a clock, trying to see if I can conceive and carry a child to term before my 30th birthday. Once that possibility is past, I think I'll be able to calm down and go with the flow for awhile. There's just so much dang pressure...

A bummy Sunday in all respects

So I have the sniffles and I'm being a wee bit of a baby about it. Okay, maybe not "A wee bit." It might be more than that... But not quite to "Man Cold" status.

So I've been blowing my nose all day (but luckily, no fever to mess with my temps) and have just generally been crabby. And DH said he feels like I'm avoiding my family.

Maybe I am. But really TTC is the only thing on my mind right now, so if I can't talk to them about this, I have no clue what to say.

Sorry that this is a pretty lame post. I'll try harder next time. I'm just too dang crabby today.

One last thing--Am I the only one who goes to bed early because they're excited to see what their basal body temperature will be in the a.m.?

I am fully aware of the fact that cheaters never win

BUT! BUT! BUT! I'd like to point out that if I discard the hangover temps, I get my CH's back.



I know I get nothing out of cheating Fertility Friend, but I just wanted to see what would happen. And since you come here of your own free will, you're being held hostage by my newbie dorkiness. Next cycle, I'll have nothing to blame it on, but for now I'm wearing it like a badge of courage.

Just sayin'.

It was fun while it lasted

Yeah, I can't say I'm surprised, but I can say that I enjoyed yesterday--feeling good that my suspected O symptoms had been confirmed and that I was not a) crazy (well, you know. I didn't imagine my symptoms) b) a completely anovulatory failure c) waiting to O. I was apparently wrong on all of these accounts.

"How's your temp?" DH asked, face still completely buried in blankets and pillows.
"Nothing great," I replied.
DH reached over and rubbed my back.
"Aw, I'm sorry, honey..."
"I'm fine. I kinda expected it."

I rolled over and closed my eyes feeling just fine about this and knowing FF would take my beloved and celebrated crosshairs away from me. I was still exhausted and really just wanted to fall back asleep for a few more hours.

But of course I couldn't and it ended up turning into a mental bargaining session of sorts... "Should I take it again? Wait, I swallowed my spit 1/2 way through and my mouth felt colder after that. What if it was my magical saliva that would have kept it warm enough? DH would know if I retook my temperature... He'd hear the beep. What if I rolled over, grabbed the BBT, and took it as I was walking out of the room. He wouldn't hear it beep in the next room when it goes off and would that quick walk affect it that much, would it? Or I could turn on the space heater and fall asleep waiting for the room to heat up more, take my temp later and enter it as a later temp to see what happens.

"C'mon, MSC. You know that's cheating.

"Wait, it rose .2--that's all I need, right? No wait, that's .02. Wait. Carry the 1... Still .02." (What can I say? I was not only seriously groggy, but mathematics doesn't fall under my "super hero strengths" column, okay?)

Then more mental instability set in and I started thinking about last night when we went to bed... You see, we always turn down the heat in the house to like 58, and then we have a space heater in our bedroom that we always use (we're in the attic bedroom and it doesn't get a lot of heat anyway), but it wasn't that cold in our room so we didn't turn it on. I remembered the scene when DH asked me about it like a slo-mo...

DH: "I don't think it's that cold in here, do you think we'll need the space heater?"
My mind: "If it throws my temps off, I swear to jeebus I'm going to be pissed... *deep breath* Okay, let's be reasonable. If a space heater is enough to throw it off, I probably didn't O. I'll be warm under the covers and it'll only make a difference if it's ass cold in here, at which point, I'll know that it's to blame. And if it's cold in here and my temp still rises, I'll be confident in knowing that it was for real."
Me: "Nah, I think we'll be okay."

Eventually I was able to keep my excitable newbie dork at bay and after about 45 minutes of my mind racing behind closed eyelids, I fell back asleep.

Oh, and did I mention that I've been feeling the creepings of a sore throat this morning and now have concerns that my temp rise is a illness farce? It's been so slight that I kinda doubt it, but it's been enough to try to keep me balanced and not get all upset when I lose my CH's.

I can haz ovulashun

Well, well, well. The elusive solid crosshairs have decided to make their way into my life. Never thought I'd see the day, and especially on my first go-round after watching for any potentially encouraging fertility signs for a year.

So do I trust this? Do I allow myself to think this is the 2ww and that I can now relax and enjoy the ride? Do I give into the inclination to totally make out with those crosshairs?

I think my feelings can best be described in song. If I had an option for video, I would include an interpretive dance. Since I don't have that kind of technology available, please envision me, a vision in my superhero leotard, face painted a deep navy blue with silver stars and sparkles. My Aquanet styled hair has been pulled slickly into a bun and for no known reason, I've chosen to do this dance en pointe, although I know no ballet.

I describe this dance as a somber, yet wistful praise dance to the fertility gods. I see it as a glimmer of hope in a cruel world.

AHEM! Me me me... Okay, I think I'm in tune now!

Today you're mine completely
You mark ovulation so sweetly
Today the mark of two week wait is in your sight
But will you move or disappear tomorrow?

Is this fertility's greatest treasure?
Or is it a moment's pleasure?
Can believe the magic of your sights?
Crosshairs, will you be here tomorrow?

Today with your solid token
And you say that I'm the ovulatory one, yeah
But will my heart be broken
When they turn dotted or disappear?

I'd like to know that this thing
Is mark I can trust in
So tell me now, cause I won't ask again
Crosshairs, will you be here tomorrow?
Crosshairs, will you be here tomorrow?

xoxo,
MSC

OMG OMG OMG

2WW BITCHES!

Elvis has left the building

So I was so ridiculously anxious to go to bed last night in hopes that I'd wake to another day of temperatures rising and soaring like a pigeon in a mall parking lot, thus confirming ovulation and proving that not only do I know better than my RE, but I am a wonder woman of superhuman strength and abilities. You know, because I'm awesome and thought that I could beat an anovulatory diagnosis with vegetables... or something like that. Wait, that's exactly it. I guess it just made more sense before I put it in writing.

But alas, it was not in the cards for this infertility crime-fighter. In fact, I have officially been bamboozled by my ovaries. And if you know me, you know that I do not take bamboozling lightly.

So what's a girl to do--languish about my batcave and waiting for ovulation when all of the "normal" body signs point to that train has already arrived, boarded, and departed for sunnier skies? My temps say one thing, my CP and CM say another--who's a girl to believe? Unfortunately for me and my wonky ovaries, the temps cannot lie, so I'm just left a sad little anovulatory kitteh today.

My BBT prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep
and pray the Lord my temps to keep
up above the cover line
because getting crosshairs would be just fine
And if they dip before I wake
I pray the Lord my ovaries to take
back to be repaired at his "Fertile Store"
because EWCM I see no more.

I choose you, dear Internet!

It's funny how swiftly things change and how our minds are so quickly filled with all of this new knowledge of how our bodies work - an acute awareness of our BBT's, CM, CP, luteal phase lengths, etc. It's sort of an isolating thing because it's not something you can share with everyone you meet, yet it's the only thing running through your mind through most of the day. I mean, who really cares that your temp went up .3 today (like mine did) and how you're hoping and waiting to see if tomorrow will be the same?

My family and friends are not aware of the journey we're embarking on. DH doesn't need that sort of deep level of information because hello--that's TMI on the female reproductive system... As he said yesterday in an email, "I still like to pretend babies come from storks and that mating is performed to conjure the mythical creatures with babies born from our DNA that is extracted while we sleep." He's funny, that one!

So who does that leave?

Well, that leaves you, my dearest Interweb! You're the one stuck at my mercy to read my charts and understand where I'm coming from whether you like it or not.

So today I give you my hatred for what the holidays have done (I'm choosing to not take responsibility and you can't stop me) to my otherwise beautiful charts. I give you my chart as it stands now:


A hot mess, right?

Now would you like for me to do a magic trick? If I discard each hellatrocious temperature caused by drinking the night before (with my family--because at my age, that's my definition of fun. That and being awesome at Wheel of Fortune), here's what we have:


Sexy, beautiful, and downright perky, isn't it? You kinda want to make out with it, don'cha?

So while those holidays provided a fond little send-off to being a carefree 20 something who doesn't concern herself with her uterus and potentially growing a child there, I now bid those days farewell. You might see a glass of wine here or there to console me when AF has reared her nasty little head, but I think it's safe to say that those days are over. I'm turning in my superhero drinking powers in order to become The Eagle Scout of TTC.

Let's just hope my temps soar like an eagle tomorrow and all will be right with the world.

TTC Porn

Yesterday morning after I took my temp and noted a slight decrease, I was a wee bit disappointed. I also knew that DH was probably feeling a little tense since it was our first romp that I honestly felt could have resulted in fertilization. You know, because "fertile" is not a word that I thought I'd be uttering in our house.

So I thought I'd calm his fears and the mental freak-out that I knew was ensuing by mentioning that I was most likely wrong-- my temp dipped slightly and what we're looking for to indicate ovulation is a rise. He didn't say much and I didn't expound any further.

And then this morning when I returned to our bedroom after showering, I was surprised that he was awake and getting his things ready for his shower. He gave me a tender hug and asked sweetly, "Did your temp go up this morning?"

SWOON!! I don't care if I already ovulated or if I will ovulate ever-- let's do it again! That gets me hot!

Then as I was leaving for work, he told me he really wants me to drink more water (I really don't drink enough. I swear, sometimes my pee is almost orange in the morning. I'm bad!) Anyway, it was such a sweet, gentle plea for my health and I just know he's going through a mental checklist of what I should be doing in order to conceive and produce a healthy baby.

Double swoon! I think I left for work with a bouquet of balloon hearts bursting over my head. I love that man!

I swear to god...

I swear to god, this adorable photo of this adorable child (with great hair) makes my uterus hurt.

Or maybe it's the random cramping and gas I'm experiencing today...

Oh, and those hammy little legs in those cute little tights. Oy vey, I just want to bite her!

Hmm... I wonder if those boots come in my size?

False alarm

Everyone, back to your stations! Nothing to see here, just keep movin' along. I'm sure you have jobs to do and very important lives to lead, so there's no reason sittin' around here, checking to see if I ovulated.

So I know you're supposed to just go home and jump your DH when you have such obvious fertile signs (not clueing him in on the fact that you may indeed be fertile in order to keep the pressure off), but I felt the need to give him a heads up because despite the fact that we had discussed trying and feeling ready and had been swinging from the chandeliers for the past two weeks, my strong fertility signs yesterday made me feel like we were in need of a little sit-down to confirm how we were feeling before we proceeded. And talk we did. He felt the same panic that I did, along with second guessing, and eventually we just talked it out.

It was a long conversation, examining all of this pressure we're under from all angles to start to reproduce and how we feel about each pressure. I tried to keep my comments to ones that just encouraged him to explore his feelings rather than be an additional pressure to convince him. And when it was all said and done we came out to the same conclusion... We both feel about 85% ready to do this, but can't come up with a single reason not to. It's just the fear of the unknown holding us back.

I guess I just felt like we'd declared that we wanted this in theory, but I needed to confirm it more formally.

And then my temp didn't rise this morning. BOOO!

Could I have been that wrong? Was this just a newbie mistake, getting so excited and rallying the troops? I mean, there was a ton of unmistakable EWCM throughout the day and evening, my temps have been low and consistent since the holidays, my CP seemed right on and surprisingly high... and I'm not a cramping person, but I distinctly felt a sharp pain in my righthand side after I got home that I thought had to be an ovulation pain (seriously, it stopped me in my tracks!) I mean, aren't phantom pains for people who are sitting still, waiting and hoping to feel a pain? Or did my appendix burst? JK.

So here we are today, PNV was taken early this morning and I've waited the required number of hours before I started drinking my mug of green tea (this is my first day adding it to my regimen, for the record). Will I ovulate today? Did my body just try and due to lack/overage of hormones, stopped? Will Wonder Woman bear fruit before her 30th birthday (10/18)?

Stay tuned, kiddies!

Holy EWCM, Batman! No effing joke!

So I'm on CD19, my temps are low and steady (the disruptions in my chart can all be blamed on holiday disruptions and drinking), and my CP is high and soft. I'll take an OPK when I get home.

We've been BD'ing every other day for the past two weeks or so. He's not enlightened on how this whole process works, but I have to give him bonus points for being diligent! LOL

I feel like I'm going to throw up, I'm so nervous that I am/am not ovulating. And if I do, how do I survive the next two weeks??

The big O... and I'm not talking about Oprah or orgasms.

There's too much freaking pressure. Too much shit running wild in my head. I wanted to start this blog as a way to express how I feel about this whole process, but I'm already feeling that I'm censoring myself because the only people I've shared this with are the girls on GP who I am just getting to know and I have some fears about getting flamed for the thoughts I have in my little noggin. But I've also realized that by holding back and editing myself, I'm helping no one--not the women who might have the same feelings and fears and not even myself. So here goes...

When my Dr. first brought up that I might have trouble TTC, I was a worried mess. Something switched on in me-a simultaneous fear and devastation. I had never really had anything "wrong" with me before... And here stood a symptom and a diagnosis to go along with it. It gave me the baby fever something fierce (which I've mentioned in the archives), but in the end, reasoning won that battle and we decided to wait. I told myself I'd be okay and that it was smart to wait.

I sought out solid information and decided to take myself to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) instead of a regular gynecologist. Whenever I hear about other people's ailments, I'm always ultra concerned they're getting the best care, even if there's no emminent danger, so I decided to take my own advice. He made me feel ultra comfortable in rediagnosing me (anovulatory vs. PCOS) and that he would help me to determine the best course of action when the time was right. This meeting caused another flutter of baby fever, but I did my best to hide it and get over it quickly, as DH and I had some very real goals to meet.

But now the goals have been met. And I've had a full checkup with my RE to ensure that all of my organs are in good shape and that it's probably just a hormone imbalance type thing. I've learned how to temp and chart. I've done everything that I can to get myself in the right shape--physically, emotionally, financially, career/marriage, etc.

And now I'm sitting here, waiting to see if I can ovulate on my own. The big O. CD19 for those of you who are keeping track. It's been a week of negative OPK's (I couldn't resist testing early and then it was just a runaway train from there), but my EWCM has appeared, my CP looks good, and tonight I'll test again. Could this be an O? Really?

Part of me still believes that I can do it on my own by maintaining a healthy, animal and hormone-free diet. Part of me thinks we'll need to turn to science to make that happen.

Part of me wants us to knock this out of the park on our first try--an easy and speedy victory to prove my RE and gynecologist wrong... HA HA! Because I kick ass and I've taken care of myself! Part of me knows that we won't.

Part of me wants to tell my family that we're going to start trying, so that they will please stop asking when and making suggestions that we should start. A huge part of me remembers conversations that I tried to hold with them to explain what my gyn/RE have told me, the tests I've taken, and how I feel about it all. That same part of me knows that they don't understand how I feel. I come from a family of fertiles and the idea that one of us could have a hard time doesn't register. There's no "I hope everything goes okay, we're here for you," but instead "Well, you don't know until you try..." type statements. It's frustrating and sometimes I feel like I'm not being heard or what I'm saying can't be comprehended by them.

There--how's that for honesty?

Keeping focus

So at this point, most of DH and my conversations are inundated with baby thoughts and ponderings. Not so much planning ahead, wondering what a little one would look like, but moreso still adjusting to the idea and discussing our fears.

I've spent the day (at DH's suggestion) clearing out our 4th bedroom, lovingly nicknamed my "eBay room" because when we first moved into our home, I was pretty strung out on selling things on eBay. However, the name is a kinder version of saying, "That pit of a catch-all room that seriously needs to be remodeled before we could even ponder it as a nursery. So here I am, boxing it all up, throwing things away, and once it's all done we will look to hiring a contractor to do some electrical and drywall work.

And to those that think we're getting ahead of ourselves, this 4th bedroom is part of a finished attic, but this room was very poorly done with paneling and not drywall. Baby or no baby, it needs to be done and our upstairs was already designated the project for this winter.

So... That's it for the day!

But what does it all mean??

Consider this post to be my very first post in this blog. The "archives" that I've laid before you are in all honesty a wee bit of a fabrication. I took previous posts from my message board of choice and reworked them into blog posts. The dates, information, and feelings remain the same, however.

But where does that leave us? Well, I guess here's where I insert my self-assessment. Hold on to your britches, beeotches, this could be a long one.

When I was first DX PCOS, I got all freaked out and had a pretty solid bout of baby fever. I worried so much about TTC, that I was ready to get myself into the mindset that I should work towards making that happen as soon as possible. I remember those strong urges, those emotions of wanting to feel a baby growing inside me. It was almost overwhelming.

Eventually, good reason and life took over. I managed to talk myself off of the PCOS/anovulatory ledge. I realized there was much more for us to accomplish before we TTC. New career opportunities unfolded before me.

Years passed. I waited for those strong emotions to return, but in all honesty, they haven't. I feel like this time I'm being guided by reason instead of raw emotions. Maybe it was just my youthful impulses that made me feel that strongly. Maybe I'm remember those feelings through rose colored glasses. Or maybe I'm holding this whole situation at an arm's length in order to protect my emotions if DH decides he's not ready yet, or something happens, or if I can't get pregnant.

They say you're never truly ready, and I totally understand that. I think if you don't go through bouts where you're totally freaked out, you're probably not taking this decision seriously enough. We're there financially, age/career/marriage-wise. I'm ready when he is. And I think he is.

I thought after our talks in November that he was cautiously on board. Either way, I was planning on temp/chart properly and I'm kicking myself for not doing so this whole year--then I would have a huge frame of reference to see if I ever ovulate.

I know my RE said from that one set of bloodwork that I had elevated estrogen levels (evidence of cysts), but it seemed that my other levels were okay. This year I've really changed my diet and it appears to have had an effect on having a normal period (they've been averaging about 36-38 days, except one cycle where I ate like crap and one right after the provera--also where I ate like crap due to our trip to Europe and Thanksgiving).

My RE said he wanted to see me again when we decided to TTC, in order to start prescribing drugs. However, due to lots of research and life experience I've come to the conclusion that I'd like to remain as hormone-free as possible, both in my diet and in my TTC journey. I'd like to give this a shot naturally before I go there.

So one of my (many) queries to the ether is how long should we try before I make that appointment? I guess this month's chart will be my first clue and I'll answer my own question.

Last night DH and I had another little chat about this whole TTC journey and his hesitations and fears. He expressed concern that he can't seem to read how much I want this--to which I explained to him what I've said above--maybe after a few cycles of trying I may find that I have that deep yearning released again. But for now, I'm just comfortable and happy with the decision to move forward and give it a shot. I told him it was his call if he wanted to continue to try or not, but that I'm game if he's game.

So... we wait and we chart.